It Satisfies, It is Great
by impatient14
Summary: All Castiel Novak ever wanted was someone to love him, really love him. When Sam Winchester comes into his life, that void is finally filled. He is beautiful and kind and Castiel falls for him quickly. But when Castiel meets Dean, Sam's older brother, Castiel is forced to re-examine everything he thought he knew about life and love. Chapter Titles are song titles, look up lyrics:)
1. Solitude

_February 3, 2012_

 _There's something incredibly tragic about a love that you can't express. Cant or wont. Either way, the love may not be unattainable, but it is a black hole. Its a never ending cycle of pain and look. One touch. One smile. Its enough to completely unravel your entire psyche, your reason to inhale. You can never look for too long, too hard. It needs to be calculated. Down to a science._

 _And its hard to decide which is worse, your unexpressed feelings, roaring to a steady bubble- threatening to spill over; or knowing that your love- your devotion- is returned. Neither can vocalize their hearts desire, but its there. Its readable in the space between your bodies. Its undeniable in the connection of your eyes._

 _You are haunted. You are overcome with devastation. You are together in your tragedy, but you are always alone._

 _This is the pain we share. This is the way we will live our whole lives. Sharing the same space, but never together._

 _/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/_

 _December 26th 1997_

 _Anna gave me a journal for Christmas. She said it will help me get out of my own way._

 _I didn't realize i was in my own way...but i think maybe i understand what she is trying to imply._

 _I do like to write. This will be a collection of my thoughts and creations._

 _Gabriel if you are reading this, I would prefer if you put my journal back where you found it._

 _Thank you._

 _\- Castiel Novak_

Castiel couldn't remember the last time he actually enjoyed going to a Christmas party. For one thing, he was not a Christian anymore. He had given up on the idea of the Christian God when he was eight. It didn't make sense to him why a higher power would create a world, give it a set of arbitrary rules, let his son die, then go missing. For awhile he played around with being agnostic, holding on to hope that there was something greater out there. Life and the difficult circumstances surrounding it, however, pulled him into ambivalent atheism. So Christmas was sometimes a difficult time for Castiel, with the mandatory church service and overall religious themes.

He also never found himself enjoying being around a bunch of people who he was supposed to care about just because they shared blood. He had never related to anyone in his rather large extended family, aside from his own siblings. His brother and sisters would find themselves huddled in the basement of his grandmother's house during the annual Christmas party, passing a bottle of something cloyingly sweet around and pretending to be drunk. His cousins were nothing more than a bunch of assholes, except maybe Balthezaur, but even he got on Castiel's nerves most of the time.

The year he got the journal he was ten years old, and Balthezaur was fifteen. He had found Cas in an empty bedroom upstairs at the their grandparents house and brought him a bowl of M&Ms.

"Well aren't you a sad sight." Balthezaur slurred with a kind smile. It was obvious he had been getting into grandma's brandy.

"I'm not sad." Castiel replied, keeping his eyes down on his journal as he continued to write.

"It's an expression Cas." Balthezaur said with a roll of his eyes. "Here, i brought you some dinner." He placed the bowl of M&Ms next to Castiel on the floor, and sat next to him.

They sat between a set of twin beds, their backs to the one with cowboy bed sheets. It was usually the one Castiel chose to sleep in when he would stay over. His mother would sometimes leave him there, and sometimes he would just stay upstairs, expecting she wouldn't remember to wait for him when the time came to leave.

"Your mother is going on about your deadbeat of a father again." Balthezaur breathed out a sigh and laid his head back against the bed.

"She does that when she's drunk." Castiel grabbed a few pieces of candy and popped them into his mouth.

"She blames you, you know?" He had an incredulous look on his face, his eyes were bloodshot with intoxication. "She isn't shy about sharing that either."

"Yes. I know." Castiel said coldly. He was aware of his mother's hatred of him, he didn't need any reminders. "Colic."

Balthezaur's head snapped up quickly. "Wait. You're telling me your father left because you fucking had colic?" He barked out a laugh. "That's bullshit Cas. People don't leave because their baby cries too much." He shook his head and brought the bowl of M&Ms into his lap. "He was going to leave either way." He began picking out the red pieces of candy and sliding them between his lips.

"You cant know that." Castiel said softly, finally looking up to his cousin and closing his journal. He placed it beside him.

"Shit Cas. She really is screwing you up something awful isn't she." It wasn't a question, Cas' mother's effect on him was noticeable the moment you looked into his baby blues.

Balthezaur sighed deeply and placed a hand on Castiel's knee.

Cas instinctively flinched away and his cousin's eyebrows raised. "She isn't hitting you, is she?"

Castiel shook his head. "Sometimes i think that would be better though."

Balthezaur stared at him for a moment before turning his gaze to the bowl of candy again. "I don't think that's right Cas."

They sat there in silence, eating chocolate and listening to the roar of his mother's ranting through the floor for another few minutes. Finally the sound of his mother was replaced by something much more soothing. Billie Holidays' sultry voice began crooning up the stairs.

"Ahh. Simon has spoken." Balthezaur said with a smile.

Their grandfather was known for breaking up his daughters rants with just a stern look and the start of some music. He had raised his children to speak their mind, no mater the consequences but there were times when he would intervene. The only times Cas could remember though, were when his mother was being excessively mean to Castiel. He wished his grandfather would say more, that he would defend him more, but Castiel knew it wasn't his grandfather's style. He wanted Cas to be strong and defend himself. Castiel however, had no interest in doing so.

When he was eight, Castiel built a large city of Lincoln Logs and was playing quietly in the corner of his grandparents living room while his cousins played Atari in the basement. His grandfather had walked past him and when Castiel showed him his city his grandfather had given him a wide smile and a wink.

"That's one hell of a city you got there boy. Maybe you ought to think about being an engineer or an architect." Castiel beamed up at him, soaking in the compliment like it was the only one he would get that year.

"You call that a city?" A drunken mumble came from the recliner across the room. "I shit out better logs than that this morning."

Castiel's face fell but he kept the tears in check. This wasn't unusual, in fact his mother's torture of him had increased as he got older. His grandfather continued to stare down at him for a moment longer, his face stern. Finally he turned and looked over to Castiel's mother, his youngest daughter.

"You're supposed to be the boy's mother, Naomi."

Castiel's mother was stunned at her father's words, her eyes looked like they might pop out of her head. The entire room had silenced the moment Simon Novak had opened his mouth to speak. Castiel stared up his grandfather in confusion for a moment before a hint of a smile pulled at his lips. There was a relief that washed over him in that moment, a feeling that he had been saved, finally. He dared look over to his mother who was staring at her youngest son with violence in her eyes. Cas gulped audibly and looked back down to his city.

And that was it. His grandfather said nothing more and Naomi never treated Cas poorly in front of her father again. She just ignored him entirely, which Castiel wasn't sure he preferred. At least when she was mean to him, she was acknowledging his existence. At least when she was calling him a worthless shit, she was looking at him.

Before the moment Castiel would since refer to as the "Lincoln Log disagreement', Castiel often wondered why his mother was allowed to be so mean to him. With his grandmother's meek disposition and hatred of confrontation she was of no help, although she would baby him incessantly whenever he would come to visit. Sometimes Castiel hated his grandfather for not doing more, for not telling his mother off and shaking her senseless. It wasn't until he was older that Castiel understood why his grandfather didn't interject his thoughts or opinions on a subject unless expressly asked. He wanted you to work it out for yourself, he wanted his children to be independent thinkers and come to their own way of things. Castiel was sure that shouldn't include child abuse, but then again he wasn't sure of many aspects of human nature.

He did rather enjoy his grandfather's company, though. He was a hard working man and tolerant of pretty much anything that came out of Cas' mouth. It seemed Simon Novak rather enjoyed listening to Castiel rant about the random things that bothered him or the things that perplexed him about life. Simon rarely spoke, but when he did, Castiel remembered. His words were firm but kind, and his advice was never unsolicited..He was the kind of man you looked up to, even if you hated everything around you.

And growing up, Castiel did. He hated everything. His father left just after he was born and he was fairly sure most of his family blamed him for the abandonment. His mother used him as an emotional punching bag though never laid a hand on him. He would often lock himself in his closet with a notebook, pen, and a flashlight, writing out his escape plans or releasing the anger that tore at him. His sister Anna would find him after a few hours and just sit with him, sometimes taking his hand and other times bringing her sketch pad inside and drawing next to him.

 _February 20th 1998_

 _My mother called me a waste today._

 _I think its probably accurate, but Anna disagrees. She claims i will find my place._

 _I see no reason to find a place for myself though if i'm not meant to fit into the surroundings i was born into. That is natural selection after all. We learned about that in school and I am convinced i am the giraffe with the short neck. I will not be able to reach the leaves and I will die. My brother with his ability to charm a room and calm my mother's soul- he will reach the leaves. Anna will be well fed as well, unless of course her generosity prevents her from taking some leaves herself. Lucy will survive by attacking taller giraffe's and stealing their leaves._

 _My bones will be ground into dust just inches from the watering hole._

 _Anna says i'm being dramatic._

Of all of Castiel's siblings, Anna was his favorite. And not just because she was good to him, but because she was just _good_. She joined just about every community outreach program she could in school and volunteered the rest of her spare time to homeless shelters and animal rescue hospitals. Sometimes it made Cas hate her, how good she was. He was never going to be that good, never going to be that selfless. Despite his jealousy, Castiel looked up to his big sister. She inspired him and showed him that good people do exist, no matter how stunted he himself was.

He was constantly in his own head, failing to notice the plight of others until it was too late. It may have been a defense mechanism at first, always looking inward instead of really examining and appreciating the world around him. He thought by focusing all of his intention on his own inner monologue, he could defend himself from whatever unpleasantness life threw at him.

But eventually Castiel found it to be a character flaw he would have rather not honed so vehemently. He wished his first thought when seeing an old woman struggling to cross the street was to help her, but instead he would first think of why she was wearing two different pairs of socks, or why her hair was tinged a light shade of blue. He hated himself for not being more like Anna, but was happy he was nothing like his brother.

Castiel was the youngest of four. The oldest Novak children were a set of twins, Gabriel and Lucy. Gabriel's ability to turn everything- including the worst kind of heartache- into a joke astounded Cas, and it made him bitter. Gabriel would tease Castiel about the way he spoke, his prosody never quite normal, his tone always too serious. His brother would poke fun at how long it took Castiel to grasp the idea of sarcasm, often letting Cas go days before putting his little brother out of his misery and clarifying himself. Over the years Castiel learned how to deal with his brother's sense of humor though, with the help of Anna. He even developed his own dry wit that eventually brought him closer to his older brother.

Of course, getting along with Gabriel was a sliding scale and Castiel never quite knew where they stood. One minute they were playing video games and Cas found himself relaxing into his role as the little brother, the next moment he was jumping back from a slammed door in his face. Sometimes Gabriel would react really strongly to things at first, only to laugh it off a second later. Castiel figured it was his brother's own carefully honed system of psychological defense, but he had become used to the mood swings that raged in the Novak house.

"Castiel are you fucking dense? How many times have i told you not to answer the phone when Nira is calling?" Gabriel's face was red as he threw the phone back into its holder.

Castiel barely looked up from his homework. "It was ringing. I didn't check the caller ID. Sorry Gabriel."

Gabriel stared over to his brother for a moment before sighing and leaning against the counter of the kitchen. "Yeah. Well, the girl is straight up crazy town. I keep trying to let her down easy but i think i'm going to have to go nuclear on her."

"Why not just tell her you don't appreciate her advances? Honesty is supposed to be the best thing in relationships." Castiel said quickly, his eyes finally meeting his brothers.

"What do you know about relationships Cassie? I doubt you've even begun your relationship with Jill." Gabriel snickered, "I'm sure you two will be very happy together when the time comes though."

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. "Jill? I don't know anyone named Jill."

Gabriel threw his head back in a laugh.

Castiel was used to his brother's insults that he didn't understand. He shook his head and stood up, intending to get himself a glass of water. As he made his way to the cabinet Gabriel moved towards him.

He held out his hand and pointed to his thumb. "Jill. J-" He slide his finger down the groove between his thumb and pointer finger. "I-L-L." He pointed to each successive finger until he was finished spelling.

Castiel's brow furrowed and his head tilted again. "Why are you using your fingers to spell a girl's name?"

"Oh Cassie. You'll figure it out soon." Gabriel said with a huff, his hand slapping his little brother softly on his face.

 _May 18th 1998_

 _My nose is bleeding. Gabriel punched me for standing too close to him when i asked him what we were having for dinner. He says it was for my own good. I do not see why being hit in the face is good for me, but i do know how i felt afterwards._

 _I liked it. I assume i am not in the majority with that. It felt like relief. For all of the horrible things mother has been saying to me, sometimes i wish she would just hit me. I think that would feel better._

 _Anna says that wishing physical violence on myself is absurd and then stared at me for a very long time. I think maybe some thoughts should be shared only here, in my journal. Keeping what Anna calls 'my dark thoughts' in here would probably save me from being stared at so much._

Anna was two years younger than the twins. Their father's absence and their mother's verbal abuse damaged Anna just as much as it did the rest of them, but she turned her pain around and used it to help other people. She claimed that the life they led was no where near as horrible as it could be, and sometimes chastised Castiel for indulging in so much self-pity.

 _October 31st 1998_

 _I do not see the point of dressing up this year. Mother is drunk already and Gabriel claims he is too old. Lucy already left, but she wasn't wearing a costume. A guy in a van picked her up and I'm pretty sure there was some sort of fire inside because when he opened the door a whole lot of smoke came out._

 _Anna of course is going, but she is collecting candy for the kids at the children's hospital. I do not wish to hear about how helpful i would be if i gave away my candy as well. If i make the effort of establishing a character for myself for the evening, i feel it is my right to the rewards._

 _Anna says I'm selfish. I know she is right, but i cant seem to care enough to change_.

Lucy, Castiel's sister, was Gabriel's twin. Gabe and Lucy were very similar in their early years. However, where Gabriel dealt with life's hurdles through humor, Lucy acted out. She lied and cheated her way through school, she was constantly fighting with their mother, she even got arrested a few times for drug possession and robbery. When she was around though, she never let their mother get away with being mean to Castiel. Lucy scared him sometimes, she had a darkness in her eyes that sent shivers down his spine, but Cas was pretty sure he loved her. Lucy was affectionate with him and Castiel craved physical attention. She would run her hands through his hair when he ate his cereal in the morning or sometimes kiss his forehead after yelling at their mother to back off.

The fights with his mother Castiel noticed got worse and worse as Lucy grew more and more impatient with her life. He could smell alcohol and smoke on her everyday now and wondered how someone her age could have such easy access to those things.

There was one fight in particular that Castiel had seared into his brain. He replayed it over and over for weeks, wondering if there was anything he could have done to change the outcome. If there was anything he could have done to make Lucy stay.

He had been washing dishes after dinner when his mother came stumbling into the kitchen. Lucy was sitting at the table, her feet propped up and her head tilted back as she watched Castiel wash. She sang softly a song Castiel didn't recognize and he smiled her perfect pitch.

"What are you doin' you little shit?" Naomi grabbed the steak knife Castiel was washing and jerked it away from him. "Just put the damn thing in the dishwasher."

She threw the knife inside the opened dishwasher and sauntered to the fridge. The door swung open and slammed against the wall, making Castiel jump slightly. He slid his arm out slowly and pulled the knife his mother had thrown into the dishwasher into his hand to finish washing it. When he was finished he put it in the drying rack.

Naomi stood in front of the open fridge for over a minute just staring. Castiel thought maybe she was blacking out and would soon fall over. It had happened a few times recently, and Castiel was looking around for something to break her fall when his mother finally pulled a beer from the fridge and slammed the door shut. She spun around, her eyes unfocused and lazy.

Castiel glanced at his big sister at the kitchen table, who was now sitting straight up and on the edge of her seat. She bore hole into the side if their mother's head, waiting for Naomi to do something stupid.

As Naomi passed the sink, she pushed her way passed Castiel, not bothering to step an inch to the left so that her body wouldn't crash into her little boy's. His mother stopped short then. Her eyes on the drying rack.

"What the fuck did i tell you? Huh?" Her voice climbed quickly. "What the fuck did i tell you boy?" She slammed the beer on the counter.

Castiel followed his mother's gaze to the knife.

"Mother, it's not good to put knives in the dishwasher- it causes them to dull at a faster rate." Castiel said quietly but confidently.

"Don't throw your fancy learning at me you little shit. You think you're better than me?" She was yelling then but her body was suddenly dragged away from his. Lucy had her by the shirt and was hauling her from Castiel.

"Back off you fucking drunk." Lucy growled. "Go to bed."

"Don't you fucking-" Naomi started.

"No! Don't talk to him like that you sick fuck! You're his mother not some third grade bully!" Lucy screamed.

Castiel heard thundering on the stairs and he knew Gabriel was on his way down. Anna was at the hospital and he was grateful. She was never useful in moments like these, she would just stay silent and hug the wall unless his mother was particularly nasty and then she would calmly ask her to stop and lead Castiel away.

"Luc?" Gabriel was running into the kitchen, his breath ragged from the sudden activity.

"It's fine." Lucy spoke through her teeth. "Mother here was just leaving."

"Ha!" Naomi yelled. "I'm not going anywhere you little slut. You think you can talk to me like that? You think you are worth a damn?" Naomi leaned in closer to her eldest daughter. "You ain't worth shit either."

Lucy swallowed a lump that had risen in her throat at her mother's words. She stayed silent as Gabriel came to stand next to her.

"Mother-" He tried to stay calm.

Naomi ignored him. "You think i Don't smell the booze on you? You Don't think i cant see the cum that stains your jeans? You're just a fucking little whore aren't you?"

"Stop it." Lucy said quietly.

"Oh no darlin' I'm just getting started." Naomi smirked. "You want to defend your worthless Castiel? Fine, defend that little fucker. But you honey- You got nothing going for you. You ain't got shit for brains, the only way you'll get a man is to suck him off, and my guess is that you already know that."

"Stop!" Gabriel yelled, stepping in front of Lucy.

"Oh you gonna defend her? Are you fucking her too then?" Naomi laughed.

Gabriel's face contorted in disgust. "Just stop mother. Just stop."

Gabriel couldn't see it, but Lucy was shaking behind him. Castiel watched as his big sister swallowed back screams and tears and whatever else was bound to come pouring out of her any minute. He wanted to go to her, hug her, make her feel safe the way she had done for him so many times. But he didn't. He stayed rooted in his spot, too scared to move.

"Go on Lucy- no ones stopping you girl. Let me have it hunny, we both know you want nothing more than to fuck me up good and proper." Naomi leaned into Gabe's chest, her head over his shoulder and taunting her daughter.

Lucy's hands were clenched so hard her arms were shaking. Castiel could hear the grind of her teeth as she pushed her jaw forcibly into her skull. Her eyes were wide and Castiel had never seen anything so terrifying than the look his sister was giving to his reminded him of the martial arts movies Gabriel liked to watch and his instinct was to hide anything that could be used as a weapon. There was a moment Castiel was sure he saw Lucy move, her hand coming up and slamming into his mother's face, the scene unfolded so naturally in his mind that Castiel was stunned with what happened next.

Lucy turned around in a fast spin and walked out the back door leaving Gabriel to support their now passed out mother. Castiel thought about running after her, he thought about thanking her for saving him again and telling her that she wasn't any of those things. He thought about following her out onto the street and holding her hand as she ran away.

He didn't though. Instead, Castiel helped Gabriel put their mother in her bed and then went outside to the neighbors garden. He picked some flowers quickly, not wanting to get caught by the mean old lady they called 'crabby old Miss Patty.'

He went into Anna's room and found some ribbon to tie around the stems. Castiel placed the flowers on Lucy's pillow, thinking when she got home it would make her smile.

Lucy never saw the flowers though, and Castiel never took them off her bed.

 _May 12th 2000_

 _Lucy left. She hasn't been home in a week. I wish i had said something._

 _I hope that she finds peace...or perhaps a will to fight against the demons that so obviously pull at her. I hope our mother's words do not affect her now that she is no longer here._

 _I will miss her ability to make mother shut-up and leave me alone. I am bracing myself for a very difficult next few weeks. Anna says that Lucy was good to have left, her presence was destructive. I think that means mother should leave as well then._

 _Gabriel is very sad. He hasn't come out of his room since she left and sometimes i think i hear him crying. Anna went in there an hour ago. I hope she is helping him. I wouldn't know how._

Cas was constantly finding more and more reasons to hate himself as he grew up. As Gabriel loved to point out, he wasn't exactly a social butterfly, and as Anna's extracurricular activities constantly reminded him, he wasn't as good of a person as he could was always this feeling inside of him that made him feel like he wasn't living the way he was supposed to. It itched and burned and there were times he just wanted to scratch it out. That feeling of emptiness and nothing, it dragged him deeper and deeper into a kind of depression Castiel didn't understand. He would lie in bed at night and think of all the things he could have done differently that day. People he could have spoken to, smiles he could have returned. He would stay awake thinking of Lucy and if she was alright. His guilt was so heavy it threatened to drown him, but he never cried.

Crying was something you did when you had no other way of processing an emotion. Growing up, Castiel had learned a lot of different ways to process his expanding library of emotions and found crying to be the least effective. As his depression grew stronger, and his self-loathing grew deeper though, his emotions began to retreat. They locked themselves away one by one until Castiel was soon left with only a bitter ambivalence towards life.

Eventually, Castiel began looking for a way to get back those feelings that evaded him. As high school began and hormones raged, Castiel found the thing that brought him back to life.

Sex.

Castiel hooked up with just about anyone who would take him. The slightest smile his way and Cas would fall all over himself. He didn't have a type, Cas was attracted to all different kinds of people. Both men and women, even a few who he wasn't entirely sure what they identified as. He didn't care what they had between their legs, he just wanted s _omeone._

 _February 11 2002_

 _I blew Gadreel on the slide at the playground. I think he liked it, I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but we have been meeting there to kiss for a few weeks now._

 _His father hits him. I told him that i wished my mother hit me and he gave me a strange look. I think that makes sense, but i'm not sure why._

Usually that someone wasn't anyone special. Castiel would latch on to a good quality or two and try to convince himself that someone was worth all the trouble, all the heartache. He gave his heart away so easily he was practically shoving it at people as he passed them on the street. Of course, his approach left him only with the kind of people who didn't want Cas for who he was, but for what he was offering.. Castiel didn't know this, and it took him a very long time to realize that people will take you, use you, and spit you back out.

 _February 15, 2002_

 _Gadreel hasn't spoken to me since our meeting at the playground. I saw him holding hands with Rebecca in the bus line. Hannah told me they are going out, have been for a few weeks now._

 _I feel..something. I would say dirty but that would seem too obvious. I thought perhaps we had a connection, that we could have had something more. I was mistaken apparently._

 _Hannah was nice. Perhaps I will be able to get to know her better._

Without strong attachments to his family, Castiel searched for some sort of connection elsewhere. He saw sex as a doorway to love though, and wasn't mature enough to realize that sex didn't equal anything resembling a profound bond. Castiel found himself alone, time and time again. He of course blamed himself for this, always assuming it was something about him that turned people away. He couldn't help but think if he had been better, they would have stayed. That maybe his father would have stayed. Castiel wasn't sure but felt that maybe if he had never been born, then his family would have been happier.

 _April 13th 2002_

 _I don't think any of this is worth it. Why do i even write these things down? Anna claims it helps me think and sort out what goes on around me, but i think its because its the only time i can be honest. If i let myself say what i really wanted to...or told people the things i do sometimes...i think they would hate me._

 _Anna doesn't journal because she thinks letting herself think about herself that often is selfish, but for me its okay. I think that says a lot about how she views me. I don't really care._

 _I could die tomorrow. That would be fine i think._

 _I had sex with Hannah. I think she likes me._

Castiel continued to struggle with depression throughout adolescence and if it wasn't for Anna and his grandfather, he may have very well found his end at an early age. However, he found the process of suicide too troublesome. He didn't care enough about dying to deal with the mechanics or the fallout if he was unsuccessful. It was a constant battle within himself. He cared enough to hate himself, but not enough to do anything about it.

Once the notion of suicide was put aside, Castiel made it his mission to find happiness. He knew that the source of all of his problems was his unhappy family so he convinced himself that having a family of his own was the solution. His relationship with his mother was far too wrecked to ever be salvageable so Cas was determined to make a family of his own. That combined with his growing need for physical affection kept leading Castiel from partner to partner, hoping someone would fit into the puzzle that he had created for himself.

 _July 4th 2002_

 _The fireworks were loud but i enjoyed the shadows they created in the sky. The smoke cleared slowly and made the most interesting shapes. I wonder what it looks like from above. If there really was a God and it could look down at us, would it care to witness the fireworks display?_

 _I Don't think a God that likes to look at fireworks exists. Perhaps there is a creator...but i do not believe that creator is being described accurately in the Bible. It seems very unlikely._

 _I don't think I will call Hannah anymore.. Her teeth scrape mine every time we kiss and i'm growing tired of it. I wish she would use her tongue more when she goes down on me too._

 _The cashier at the grocery store winked at me yesterday. Maybe he uses his tongue more efficiently._

He would spend hours writing in his journal, sometimes attempting to pass off his teenaged angst as poetry. Journaling became so important to him that a career in writing became the only possible avenue for Cas to pursue. He imagined himself in a big library at some prestigious university, reading books his town library didn't carry and sipping espresso. He saw himself writing into the wee hours of the morning, his hair sticking up in all directions and his mood sour like the whiskey taste in his mouth. He wanted to be Paul Sheldon in Stephen King's Misery, naturally replacing Annie Wilks with a loving partner. Someone who would clean him up after her passed out in front of his laptop, someone who wouldn't mind him reeking from his lack of showers or love-affair with Jack Daniels.

 _August 3rd 2002_

 _When I'm in New York, writing my third novel and watching my kids play on the terrace, I will be happy then. Mother says that's a pipe dream and that I'm an idiot if i think i could have that. I think she could be wrong. Anna told her to be quiet. We were all stunned...i sometimes forget how strong she can be._

 _Gabriel says he is moving to New York too, he wants to be a stand up comedian. I think i could live with him as adults. I think we would be friends as adults. He hasn't hit me since i was a little kid, and lately his insults have been more playful than mean. I think he is maturing and I'm grateful. His dip into maturity doesn't stop him from putting plastic wrap over the toilet seat though._

 _The cashier's name is Eric and he is closeted despite his overt flirtations. I let him fuck me in the storage room anyway. I thought maybe i could get him to come to terms with his sexuality, but i haven't heard from him since._

A piece of Castiel always knew how unlikely that was that he would find that perfect person. His current relationship track record showed no signs of love or commitment. He hadn't spent more than a few months with someone, and rarely enjoyed anyone's company much longer than a few weeks. It was as if he was waiting for someone in particular, someone to change the way he saw the world. Someone to pull him out of the misery he found himself in on a daily basis, and bring him into the light

 _January 25th 2003_

 _My smile lures you, my eager kiss keeps you close_

 _Your eyes are kind but i know_

 _This isn't really about you, our night is just a lie,_

 _I've got a closet full of reasons why._

 _Ill slip out these clothes, just like a thousand times before_

 _Ill take down one more drink, hoping to feel a little more_

 _When we're through, i pray for an effect_

 _But in the end There's nothing of me left._

 _I keep telling myself, to hold out for something more_

 _Something honest and strong to shake me to my core,_

 _Can you be that for me?_

 _Can you set me free?_

 _I don't love you,_

 _but you'll do_

 _I cant love anybody_

 _So you'll do_

 _\- C. Novak_


	2. I Cover the Waterfront

Castiel would read when he wasn't writing, drawing inspiration from the writers he connected with most. No matter how many stories he read, he couldn't face the tragedy of his own situation though. He lived in the delusion that his pursuit of happiness wasn't leading him down the loneliest path of them all. No matter how many people he invited in his heart, he always felt alone. The only time he felt anything is when he had his tongue down someone's throat. It gave him a sense of control, to be able to make the bodies under him shiver and writhe. He thought if he could give them this happiness, then maybe they would make him happy in return.

 _May 14th 2003_

 _I Don't think any of it matters. No matter what i do, it ends. I leave the ones that are willing to stay. Why do i do that? Why cant i latch on to the ones that want me back?_

 _I tried. I really did. Adam was a good guy. He was kind to me and when he told me he loved me I'm pretty sure he believed it was true. I got to call him my boyfriend. It was nice, I have never had a boyfriend before. I thought Gabriel might make fun of me, but he was oddly accepting. He did put an industrial sized bottle of lube on my nightstand and a stack of gay porn in my backpack though._

 _I let Adam call me his boyfriend for four months. I think i only really liked it for two...but i couldn't just end it. He wanted to be with me. But then when he touched me i started to cringe, I actually cringed away from him. Why did i do that?_

 _Anna says its because once i knew he loved me, i no longer wanted him. His love for me disgusted me. She says its because i hate myself._

 _If she is right, i think that will be a problem in the future._

 _I broke up with him and he cried. I cried too actually. It was a strange sensation, i Don't know why i was crying. I think i was mourning the loss of what could have been if i wasn't so royally fucked up._

High school was a series of hookups with a smattering of short relationships. Castiel found himself breaking up with most of his partners, always feeling repulsed after a few months with the person. It was becoming a major block in his life goal of getting married and being happy. It terrified him that he apparently had commitment problems, but all he wanted out of life was a family of his own.

Castiel worked hard in certain classes and barely showed up for others. It depended greatly on the teacher, and he felt an obligation to impress the ones he respected. His favorite english teacher was an old man who resembled a Santa Claus on cocaine and he worked his ass off for him. Mr. Clawson was probably the only teacher in school who would give Castiel high marks on stories that used more profanity and gratuitous sex scenes that was necessary.

 _September 19th 2004_

 _Mr. C liked my short story about the man with two families and a drug addiction. He said my protagonist had more heart than the average disney princess. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing._

 _Anna put the story on the refrigerator like it was a kindergarteners fingerpainting. I loved her for it._

 _I haven't seen my mother in a few days. She yelled something at me from the toilet earlier this week but i have learned to ignore her when she is taking a shit. Usually anything that comes from her mouth is vial, but if she is speaking from the bathroom I know its something especially horrible. that's where she snorts something and thinks we cant hear her._

 _I think i'll write a story about it._

Castiel's grades weren't as good as they should have been, his effort in math not earning him the marks he could have received if he had done even a quarter of his assignments. He didn't appreciate the language math tried to speak, its unfailing and absolute nature irking him for some reason. However, when it came time to take tests, Castiel found himself able to figure out enough on his own to pass. Gabriel hated him for that.

When it came time for Castiel to apply to college, Gabriel was already gone. He moved to New York City the day after he graduated. He would write to Anna and occasionally jot a few lines for Cas to read. They were usually quick pieces of advice or words of encouragements disguised as insults. It made Castiel laugh.

 _April 3rd 2005_

 _Gabriel thinks i should apply to William and Mary and University of Virginia. He says they are both full of pretentious assholes and that i'd fit in perfectly._

 _I haven't gotten my SAT scores back but i feel confident. My PSATs were 1320, so i think i've got a good chance at either. I should probably go to my math classes more often though so that my grade stays above a C._

 _If i had to choose now, I think I'd prefer W &M. Their English program is impressive and I think it'd be a good place to meet people. UVA seems to be filled with a large about of douchebags._

 _I got a little fat this year. I Don't really mind but i think i'll start running to lose weight. I haven't gotten much attention lately and i'd like to have sex again. Anna says that if someone doesn't like me with a little extra weight then they aren't worth my time. I think she is probably right but i Don't care._

The summer before senior year Castiel met April. She was beautiful and athletic and she smiled at Cas like he was the sexiest person she had ever laid eyes on. She was tortured, a life full of problems that made her bitter and cold at times, and Castiel loved it. She told him stories of her absentee father and the mother who worked three jobs to keep food on the table. She never cried, but Castiel could tell she wanted to most of the time. She was angry a lot and would blow up at him for the simplest things. Castiel found himself provoking her at times, enjoying the rush of her passion.

 _July 9th 2005_

 _April pushed me today. Just like when Gabriel hit me when i was ten, I liked it. I know i shouldn't, and when she apologized that felt nice too, but i did enjoy the force of her anger. It felt good to know that i had that power, that i am capable of making someone feel so strongly._

 _Sometimes i imagine what life would be like with her. If we have children would she calm down? I think she would, children do that to people. As of now, i Don't want her to change. Yesterday we had sex on the roof of her parents minivan and i Don't think i'll ever get tired of this feeling. She wants me, she loves me, and she hates me. I think i love her too. I've never felt this way before...its as if she is capable of anything and i just want to watch her unravel around me. I think this must be what a real relationship is._

 _I am thin again. I've been running every day and doing sit-ups and pushups to define my muscles. April says I look hot._

Castiel's style progressed slowly over his adolescence. By the time he was towards the end of his high school career he had ditched matching tracksuits and velour pants for skinny jeans, buttons down shirts, and occasionally a sweater or vest to wear on top. He sometimes wore black rimmed glasses he found at a costume shop, even though he didn't need them to see. Although he styled his dark brown hair in the morning in an attempt to accomplish the 'barely tried' look, Cas usually looked like he had just finishing getting fucked into a mattress. He was proud of his appearance, but not vain. He liked to make sure he looked good, but never spent more than ten minutes getting ready in the morning. This was a quality Anna commended Castiel for, his lack of vanity.

Anna joined the peacecore right out of high school and was gone before Castiel started his senior year. He didn't realize he would miss her so terribly until she was gone. He was now alone in a house with a woman who either acted as if he didn't exist or berated him for his use of oxygen. He had developed a carefully formulated system by then though, so that he was only in the house when she was passed out or too high to speak. He also spent most of his time at April's apartment. She had graduated the same time as Anna and was working as tech support at a Best Buy. Castiel had gotten a job at the Old Navy next door so that they could see each other as much as possible. They had sex in the backrooms, dressing rooms, or sometimes in April's car during their lunch hour.

 _September 8th 2005_

 _I love her. that's the only possible explanation for this. This feeling of being absorbed by thoughts of her, wondering what she is doing, who she is with, if she is thinking of me. I cant stop. Why cant i stop thinking about her? This is love? This is what i should have felt with all of the others? It actually hurts sometimes when i'm not with her. I think that's wrong...i Don't think people are supposed to feel this way. But i cant stop._

 _My mother was arrested for public drunkenness. I didn't bail her out for three days. When we got home she hit me for the first time. I didn't like it as much as i thought i would. I called grandpa and he told me i could come live with them. He has offered this for years but i always declined for Anna. I wanted to be here to protect her if something ever happened. But now, I'm thinking that when i leave for college i will come back to my grandparents house on breaks instead of here. I think that makes most sense._

Castiel was accepted to all the colleges he applied to, a fact that genuinely surprised him. When he called Gabriel to tell him he was rewarded with a cheer and a warning not to fuck it up. The financial aid came through thankfully, and he had saved enough over the summer to pay for the first semesters books and school supplies. He knew if he needed more his grandparents would help him out but didn't want to ask unless necessary.

He sent William & Mary his acceptance reply as soon as he got his letter and began planning out his first semester's classes as soon as he read through the course descriptions. April was quiet through the whole process, almost indifferent to Castiel leaving and it began to eat at him.

 _October 14th 2005_

 _If there was a moment in time i could go back to, it would be the moment i met her. I would turn around and walk away. I would leave her where she stood and never look back._

 _What is it about me that makes me so easy to leave? What is it about me that only wants the people who want to leave me? I would think i have gotten enough practice by now...but this one hurt. April built me up and then pulled be so far below the earths surface i'm afraid i wont be able to claw my way back up. If someone like her, just as broken as i am, cant love me...who the hell will?_

After his breakup with April, Castiel threw himself into reading and writing. He was usually drunk when he wasn't in school so a lot of his stuff came out more morbid than intended. Sometimes when he read back over some of the things he had written, Cas didn't even know where the thoughts had come from. He would black out and the next day there would be pages of writing. Sometimes it was illegible and other times he felt it was publishable.

January 4, 2006

 _There comes a time_

 _The knobs no longer want to be turned_

 _The knocks gets quieter, disappear_

 _Empty windows and turned over pots_

 _This is the inside, this is the truth_

 _Bring me down with you_

 _Pull me into the storm_

 _A sound that only whispers_

 _Bleeding down the door_

 _-C. Novak_

 _February 20th 2006_

 _I Don't like when they stick their tongue in my ass. It feels disgusting but i am afraid to stop them. It seems many other people enjoy this and when i'm drunk enough i'll try it from time to time. But i cant help but remind myself while i'm down there, that this hole i am licking and fucking with my tongue...it was the canal for feces probably just hours before._

 _Could I get ? I should probably look that up._

"Castiel I wish you would consider saving yourself for someone special." Anna's voice spoke softly through the phone's receiver.

"How do I know they are special?" He asked, standing still as a statue in his kitchen.

"It takes time Cassie. You cant know someone from the short conversations you have between sex acts."

"April was special." He said, his tone calculated.

"No, Castiel. She wasn't." Anna replied slowly. "If she was, things would have been better between you."

"Our relationship was normal." He said it as if he really believed it, some part of him hoping Anna would agree.

She stayed silent for a moment.

"Are you being safe?" She finally asked.

"Safe?"

"Are you using condoms?" Her voice was patient.

"Yes. Of course." Castiel nodded into the phone. "And I've already been to the free clinic twice for check-ups."

"that's good." She sighed. "I just want you to be happy Castiel, and i think if you really thought about it...this life you're leading wont bring you anything but heartache."

Castiel stayed silent. He turned to face the window above the sink in his stark white kitchen. A bird was perched in the small birdhouse he had made as a child that Anna had put on the side of their house. It was pecking furiously at the seeds Castiel had left out for it. When he finally spoke he kept his voice even.

"I'm glad you called Anna."

"Take care of yourself Castiel."

 _March 31st 2006_

 _Anna called today. She is in Guatemala and seems very happy with her current position. I find it odd that she was asking if i was having safe sex. Why would anyone not have safe sex? The risk of disease and unwanted pregnancy is certainly not something to be casual about._

 _Gabriel has a weekly gig at a comedy club so he is happy as well._

 _I think when i get to college i will be happy. There will be many more people there, i can find someone more like myself. Someone to stay up late with and share my thoughts with. I will be nice._

Castiel did find someone that first semester in college. Her name was Amelia and she was transgendered. They met in an astronomy class and hit it off right away. Castiel had developed a very dry sense of humor by the time he had made his way to college and Amelia thought he was hilarious. They struck up a playful banter almost immediately and Castiel had never had more fun with someone. They met up to play soccer in the quad in front of Amelia's dorm and went for runs together around campus. He found life with Amelia to be incredibly easy.

She hadn't gotten the gender reassignment surgery she was saving for yet, and would sometimes feel very insecure during sex, but Castiel did his best to put her at ease. He certainly knew his way around a penis and it didn't bother him at all that she identified as female despite the appendage between her legs. She was a good person, albeit somewhat self-absorbed at times. Castiel suspected it was a defense mechanism for the underlying insecurity about her gender, but he didn't press it. Anna had taught him that even though something about a person's personality may seem obvious, it doesn't mean the person wants you to know about it, and they certainly Don't want you to bring it up. Cas was grateful to have learned so much from his brother and sister, otherwise he wondered how he would ever find a partner.

Life with Amelia wasn't meant to last though. Castiel was swept up in typical freshman escapades not too long after they started dating and found himself in the arms of a few different people. He never wanted to be a cheater, it wasn't something he was proud of, but his impulse control when it came to sex was very low. The thought that someone wanted him was such a turn on, Castiel had trouble taming his dick. He wanted to though, he really wanted to. He kept dating Amelia despite his random hookups until eventually his conscious got the better of him. He knew he couldn't keep cheating on her, it wasn't right. He also knew he still wanted to sleep with other people.

 _November 3rd 2006_

 _I broke up with Amelia. I feel very sad about it. I really like her, she was easy to be with. She made me laugh and i loved how she looked at me when i made her laugh. I felt special. She did get on my nerves though, sometimes her haughty nature would irritate me quite a bit._

 _And she always wanted to shower after sex. That bothered me._

 _She loved me. I'm sure of it. I couldn't stay with her knowing that she wasn't the one though. It wasn't fair to her._

 _When will i meet the person who will save me from myself? When will i meet someone i will easily stay faithful to? What is wrong with me?_

 _I knew it wasn't going to last forever, it never does._

Castiel continued to sleep around his freshman year. There were some he had a sort of relationship with, some he kept to one night stands. One guy in particular got under his skin and he found himself following the guy around, trying to make a relationship out of the meaningless sex they were having. It didn't work and the guy eventually cut ties with him completely. As it turned out, the guy had given him a fake name to begin with so when Castiel began asking around about him people gave him a sad expression before smirking.

Apparently Jim Kirk is a character in a show he never watched, and not a student at William & Mary.

He studied very hard though, despite his heartache, and managed a 3.8 GPA by the end of the year. When he went home to McClean, Va where his grandparents lived, he found Anna waiting for him. She had also decided that going back home to their mother was something she wouldn't have to do anymore and took up residence in the twin bed next to Castiel's.

 _June 3rd 2006_

 _Anna is home for the summer._

 _I told her about Amelia and most of the others when i was drunk. I thought she would be disappointed but she only looked sad. She told me that if i loved myself more, that i wouldn't set myself up to fail. She told me that if i let myself believe i'm worthy of the love people are trying ot give me- that i'll accept it and commit to them._

 _I Don't know. I find it incredibly difficult to stay faithful to one person. Even April, i cheated on her once with my manager at Old Navy. It was a one time thing, but it happened. Anna says its self sabotage, that i think i Don't deserve happiness._

 _That would be rather stupid of me, which makes it all the more likely._

 _So what do i do? Act better until i am better? I want to be a good person, i want to be the kind of person that is committed to his relationships and never strays. I want a happy family and i'm fairly certain happy families Don't have cheating spouses._

Castiel spent the summer working for his grandfather at the local newspaper. He mostly did administrative work but sometimes he was pulled in to help copy-edit. He loved it and was extremely grateful to his grandfather for the opportunity, it would look good on his application to the W&M newspaper.

At night, Castiel's grandfather would pour them both a glass of whiskey and insist on Castiel talking. He would listen to his grandson go on about his life goals and the things he was doing to try and get himself there, leaving out the more sorted details. Simon didn't speak much, he would just nod or ask questions, but sometimes he would interrupt Cas with a look that made him rethink just about everything he was saying.

August 3rd 2006

 _When I asked Grandpa about what he was thinking tonight, he said staying faithful to a spouse isn't about being a better person. He says that's bullshit. Its a choice. He chooses to stay faithful, he chooses to be a good partner to his wife, he chooses her everyday._

 _I think that's romantic. I think that is exactly what i want for myself. I want to make that choice. I want to meet someone and choose to be with them, not just fall into bed and see where it takes us. I want to do things right this time. I want to take it slow- i want to do it better._

 _I want to be good enough for a relationship like that. I want to earn it. I want to be better._


	3. Sunshine of Your Love

_December 24th 2008_

 _Christmas._

 _Fuck._

 _This time last year I was about to get very drunk off of Grandma's hidden brandy and pretend not to hate absolutely everyone._

 _This year...well this year, Novak Family Christmas can kiss my ass_.

Despite his hatred for Christmas party's, this year Castiel was positively beaming standing in front of the largest wreath he had ever seen hang on a door. For one, he wasn't at his grandmother's house this year. He wasn't about to walk into the torture chamber that was the Novak family Christmas. He wasn't about to have to listen to his cousins debate about whose biceps were bigger or who could drink who under the table. He wasn't spending a single moment with his family this year and Castiel couldn't stop smiling.

A hand intertwined with his and he looked up to meet the eyes of its owner.

Sam Winchester.

Without a doubt the best thing that had ever happened to Castiel.

By the time Castiel started his sophomore year he was extremely well read and sailed through most of his English classes. He even led a study in a class of mostly upper classman. Castiel was nervous at first, seeing as how most of the people in his group were at least a couple years older, but he found out quickly that his knowledge base was far superior to theirs and fell easily into the role. It was in that study group where Castiel met Sam. He noticed him immediately, his eyes raking over his perfectly chiseled features for a moment before snapping back up to his face. Sam had smiled at _him warmly, and it made Castiel feel like he was being wrapped in a blanket that had been left by the fire._

 _September 8th, 2007_

 _Happy?_

 _Its not a word i would use often to describe myself. But that smile. That smile did something to me right away. It was wide and unhindered. It was warm and kind and i felt myself melt. Fucking melt? Really?_

 _Yes. Melt._

 _He is gorgeous of course, but really...there was just something else about him. I cant help but feel happy, like its the only emotion i'm capable of when I'm around him._

Cas couldn't help but take pity on the tall, broad chested Adonis who was floundering with prose. Despite his fondness for Sam's smile, Cas also enjoyed the crinkle in his forehead when he was struggling with an assignment. He would find excuses to talk to Sam right as they were finishing up with study group, that way they would end up in the study room alone for a moment before calling it a night.

He found it incredibly easy to talk to Sam, like the guy was ready to listen to Cas rattle on for years to come. They started out just discussing topics related to English, but soon they found themselves staying after group much longer, talking about their day and whatever else was going on in their lives at the moment. Cas couldn't tell if Sam was into guys though, so he always kept his distance, putting a chair or the table between them whenever they talked.

 _September 29th 2007_

 _Sam and I talked for an hour in the study room at the library after the session. He laughed at my dry comments and his eyes do something akin to a puppy dog when he his confused. Its the sweetest thing i've ever seen._

 _He told me about his brother tonight. Sam admires him greatly, and from the way he describes him i think its justified. He mentioned briefly that his parents had passed away, he looked away quickly though so i took it as a sign not to ask more about that._

 _I like that he is letting me get to know him. Even if he were just to be my friend, i would enjoy that._

 _I think i'd like to make a friend._

After a few weeks though, Sam started giving off signs that he was definitely interested in something more than friendship. He would watch Cas explain a passage in Walden like he was god's personal gift to him, and Cas couldn't help but get off on it. There were moments when they were supposed to be working on an assignment individually, and Cas would look up and find Sam staring at him. Sam would immediately blush and turn back to his notebook, but Cas would continue to stare at him, hoping Sam would look back up to see his encouraging smile. Sometimes their knees would brush under the library's table and Castiel eventually stopped pulling his away.

 _October 3rd 2007_

 _I'm fairly certain Sam is attracted to me._

 _Normally i would pursue him immediately but this time i think i'll let him come to me._

 _I want things to be different this time and i can tell Sam will be worth it. I am going to make the right choices this time. I am going to choose to be good, to be good enough for him._

Cas liked the person he was when he was with Sam. Confident, witty, and much more socially capable. He felt high when Sam would look at him like he was actually something special, which floored Castiel because Sam was so clearly out of his league. From the few weeks they had spent getting to know one another, Cas had surmised that Sam was as close to perfect as a human being could get. He was a junior and pre-law but not pretentious, he played lacrosse but wasn't a douchebag, he read to senior citizens a few times a month at the local senior center, and he was an avid animal rights activist. Castiel couldn't help but feel like all the things that made Sam the amazing man he was, was somehow rubbing off on him too. It was like being around Sam made Cas into a better person by proximity alone.

 _October 13th 2007_

 _Sam asked me out. At least I'm assuming its a date. He asked if I'd like to grab dinner. Its possible I'm misinterpreting the signs but I feel like the nervous smile he wore when he asked is a good indication of his intentions._

 _We are meeting for dinner tonight after his last class._

 _Holy shit._

 _Probably not a good conversation starter._

Castiel didn't hesitate to kiss Sam goodnight that evening. Kissing was something he was good at and it didn't have to end in sex, despite a long history of it doing exactly that. The dinner had gone perfectly, never a break in the conversation and Cas was confident that Sam was into him by the time he was walking Sam to his door. Sam had laid his hand over Cas' during dinner after a particularly dry remark from Cas had sent him into a laughing fit. He let his hand linger there for a moment, before pulling it back into his lap awkwardly. Castiel thought it was adorable.

He had to almost go on the tip of his toes to reach Sam's lips though, terror seizing him for a moment at the thought he wouldn't be able to reach. He was able to connect their mouths easily though, as Sam dipped his head to meet Cas in the middle. It was sweet and Castiel felt butterflies, something he had long since forgotten he was capable of. Years of hooking up with people had eventually numbed Cas to kissing, his body almost bored with the sensation.

That wasn't the case with Sam though. Standing outside his front door Castiel could feel the familiar flutter and he almost gasped. He knew it was because there was more here than just kissing. Sam was far better than any other person he had locked lips with before and suddenly Castiel was terrified of screwing it up.

He wrapped his hands around Sam's neck just as Sam was pulling Cas closer to him, his own arms around Castiel's waist. Cas let Sam slide his tongue between his lips and massaged it with his own for a moment, letting a slight moan escape his mouth before pulling back gently.

The fear he felt kept him from going any further. He didn't want to sleep with Sam. At least not yet. Sam was too good for that, and Castiel was determined to do things right this time. So he pulled back but kept his hands around Sam's neck. He smiled up at the greek god and felt the return of those fluttering butterflies as Sam smiled down at him warmly.

"Thank you for tonight Sam, I had a really nice time." Castiel spoke softly, he looked up at the gorgeous man above him through his lashes.

"I did too." Sam replied, his smile growing wider. His hands were still wrapped around Castiel's waist and it took every ounce of strength he had to step back. Sam dropped his hands but kept his smile.

"I'd like to do it again, if you're available."

"Yes. I am definitely available." Sam pushed his shoulder length locks behind his ears, his eyes looked down to the floor for a moment in a shy display.

"Wonderful." Castiel grinned widely. "Goodnight Sam."

"Goodnight Castiel." Sam replied back before watching Cas turn and walk away.

It was pretty perfect as first kisses go and when Castiel told Sam he would call him, Sam's eager smile made Castiel feel like he was walking in the clouds.

Rainbow colored, fluffy, glitter filled clouds.

 _October 13th 2007_

 _That was the best date- correction...that was the only date I've ever been on._

 _I guess meeting up at parties and having intercourse in a closet or hanging out with someone who is already your partner, doesn't count as a date._

 _The best and only date I've ever had._

 _This guy is incredible. He wants to be a lawyer so he is smart enough to keep up with just about anything that isn't american literature._

 _He is so kind, he reminds me of Anna sometimes. It would be irritating if i didn't find it so damn perfect._

 _He's good, It's incredibly clear to me- Sam Winchester is good._

 _I need good. I deserve good for once._

He would never openly admit it, but Castiel didn't really believe he deserved a guy like Sam. Sam was the kind of person you dream about owning a colonial and a white picket fence with. He was the kind of person that would never hurt you, never let you down. He was the kind of person that Castiel had dreamed would sweep him off his feet and take him away from the life he had made for himself. He knew deep down that Sam was too good for him, that if this went south it would be him who screwed it up. It would be him who hurt Sam. Cas wasn't going to let that stop him from pursuing him though. He believed that if a guy like Sam was interested in him, Cas couldn't be that bad of a a guy to begin with. Maybe he could even earn redemption for all of the other crap.

 _November 28th 2007_

 _We have spent just about every weekend together for the last month and a half. I think this could really be something._

 _Sam is opening up to me in ways no one else has. I think i know more about him and his family than I've ever told anyone about myself. I find it easy to talk when I'm with him, but i'm not always honest. I assume its because i still fear that he will realize i am not the man he thinks i am and i will be alone once more._

 _This is probably something i should work on._

 _I saw Amelia today in the cafeteria and asked her to join me for lunch. I think we are going to be friends._

They fell into a relationship easily. Castiel would spend most nights in Sam's off campus apartment, happily escaping his dormmate Crowley as often as possible. The sex, when Castiel finally gave in and went for it, was incredible. It was like he had never actually experienced it before, and he hadn't. Not like this at least. His feelings and respect for Sam made the intimacy that much deeper and Cas had never had it so good. Sam definitely knew his way around the bedroom, despite his shy nature. Castiel found it incredibly sexy when he could make sweet Sam scream his name between curses.

Sam's roommate Meg never minded their less than quiet activities. In fact, she offered to join them a few times but Sam shot her down repeatedly, an annoyed look on his face. There was a time when Cas would have welcomed her in, but now he couldn't imagine having to share Sam. Besides, Sam was gay and entirely uninterested in Meg aside from her ability to make a killer margarita.

When Castiel's sexuality came up one night, he found it difficult to explain to Sam. But Sam, being the thoughtful and considerate listener he was, let him describe his thoughts on the subject in detail before weighing in.

"I think that means you're pansexual." He said with a thoughtful expression after Castiel had been silent for a long moment.

They were laying across Sam's bed, naked and a mess of various forms of salt, but too tired to get up and clean themselves. Castiel's head was resting on Sam's shoulder and he arched his back so his face could turn up to Sam's.

"They have a name for that?"

Sam smiled and rolled his eyes. "They have a name for everything babe." He leaned down and kissed Castiel's head softly. "People aren't happy unless they can label themselves."

"I think that's entirely pointless." Cas said with a sigh. "Why label yourself, why limit yourself to one thing?"

"I'm perfectly fine with my label." Sam said jokingly. "I like my one thing."

"I know- that's not what i mean. I just think that if you are comfortable categorizing yourself one way, then you absolutely should. But if you aren't, if you would prefer to remain category-less, i think that should be acceptable too." Cas turned his head back so that it was nuzzling into Sam's neck. He placed a soft kiss below his ear.

Sam hummed into the kiss and nodded slightly. "I think so too." He squeezed his arms around Castiel and pulled him on top of him. "You really are something else, you know that?"

"I can be a great many things Sam Winchester." Cas said with a glint in his eyes.

"Oh yes, I think you proved that with your naughty professor routine earlier."

Castiel laughed against his boyfriends chest. He could see Sam's eyes drooping slightly and knew it was only a matter of time before he fell asleep, possibly mid-sentence. Cas reached up and kissed Sam's lips gently before nuzzling into his body again and preparing for his own sleep to take over.

 _February 14th 2008_

 _This is the first year I am celebrating Valentines Day. I never wanted to before, usually finding excuses not to engage in the gift exchange expected of couples. I had asked April about it once but she said it was stupid and i let it go. I thought it was stupid too._

 _This year though, Sam is making me dinner. He claims he isn't much of a cook, and so far i think he may be right, but i am excited. It could be burned and flavorless and it will be the best meal I've ever had i think. I wanted to bring him something, a token of affection in appreciation, so i picked up a stuffed animal i saw that reminded me of him. Its a sweet looking moose with wide eyes and a dopey grin. It made me smile when I saw it. I hope he likes it._

It had been seven months and Castiel had no doubt that he was head over heels in love with Sam Winchester. Everything about him made Cas smile in delight. For a man who used to drink bottles of whiskey alone at the bottom of his closet, Cas was actually turning into quite the well adjusted human. Despite his own problems with self-worth, he let Sam love him. He let him love him, because he wanted it so badly. It was the dream, the thing he had been searching for. It wasn't hard for him to stay faithful to Sam either. The idea of hurting him kept him completely uninterested in other people. He had even been propositioned by a very drunk and sexy professor outside of a bar one night and politely declined.

"She did what?" Sam asked, a surprised but amused expression on his face.

"She offered to take me home." Castiel said through a wide grin. "I declined of course, you should have seen the look on her face."

Sam's body shook the bed as he laughed into the darkness of his bedroom. "I cant believe Professor Johnson hit on you. How drunk was she?"

Castiel rolled over so that he was leaning over Sam's. "What? She had to be drunk to proposition me?"

"Well...yeah!" Sam laughed again. "Not like she couldn't want you babe, but for her to actually hit on you, yeah- she had to be loaded."

Castiel smirked and flopped back down onto his side of the bed. "Yes. She was highly intoxicated."

"Are you going to confront her about it?" Sam asked, turning over and propping himself up on his elbow.

"No. If she remembers i suspect she will be embarrassed. I Don't think it would be wise to bring it up." Castiel replied, turning to face his boyfriend.

"Yeah." Sam laughed again. "You might have just earned yourself a free A in her class."

Castiel joined him in his laughing fit until their bodies moved together and effectively ended it. They made love slowly that night, Castiel wanting to savor every second with the amazing man he had fallen for.

 _April 3rd 2008_

 _If I ask you to stay, will you hesitate?_

 _If i let myself smile, will my frown grow rust?_

 _Time is on our side, a lifetime spent in foreign beds_

 _Now it is just us, our sheets are briny with happiness_

 _Is it too soon to hope, to dream?_

 _My feet are happily cemented,_

 _My heart is soars with purpose_

 _June 3rd 2008_

 _We went to the beach together last weekend. Just the two of us._

 _I've never gone on a vacation before. It was nice, it was...comfortable and relaxing._

 _Sam is so easy to be with, I light..like a balloon with a long string, floating in the breeze.._

 _He tells me he loves me all of the time. I should say it more often too, he deserves to hear it and i really do love him._

When school resumed in the fall, Sam renewed his lease with Meg and Castiel moved in with them. It was Meg's suggestion, considering Cas was there every night anyway. Cas jumped at the chance before really thinking about it. This is what he has always wanted. A real relationship, progressing and moving forward. He had never been in a relationship this long and was eager to continue hitting milestones.

Sam agreed to the move after a few moments of careful deliberation. He was like that, always thinking things through before acting. Castiel was usually that way too, except with Sam. With Sam he wanted it all and he wanted it now. Sam's ability to over think most things was one of the first things that Castiel noticed he didn't like. At first it terrified him. He worried that it was the beginning of the end and that soon Castiel would cringe away from Sam the way he had with past lovers.

He found though, that he could dislike an aspect of Sam's personality and still love him. He could roll his eyes and let out an exasperated breath when Sam took too long to come up with his thoughts on a topic, and it was okay. It was okay that their thought processes worked differently, and Castiel realized he could stand to take a lesson from Sam's thoughtful approach to discussing hot topics. Castiel was prone to speak his mind on something the moment he was asked, not thinking about what he would say. Sometimes he found that meant he would say things he wouldn't have if he had thought about it first, and other times he impressed himself with his ability to think so cleverly on his feet. He had far too much trouble reigning in his tongue, to ever be as thoughtful a thinker as Sam was. Which meant that sometimes, Cas was waiting days before he got answers out of his boyfriend.

 _December 8th 2008_

 _Sam wants to bring me home for Christmas. He actually wants his family to meet me. Of course, its just him and his brother but they have a lot of friends who Sam calls family. He had mentioned it off hand a few weeks ago but since he didn't ask me formally i assumed he was thinking it over more before extending the invitation._

 _He told me i was an idiot and that when he mentioned it awhile ago, that was the invitation._

 _I'm terrified. And thrilled._

 _He keeps going on and on about his older brother. Sam looks up to him so much, I'm extremely nervous to meet him. His brother raised Sam after their parents died in that fire and i cant help but feel like i'm about to walk into a father holding a shot-gun type scenario._

 _From the way Sam describes Dean, that is probable._


	4. Who Made Who?

"So, are you ready?" Sam asked quietly beside him.

Castiel took in a deep breath and smiled as he let it out forcefully. His eyes were peering through the glass of the door under the large wreath and he could make out a few bodies talking animatedly behind it. "Yes."

He could feel his hands shaking inside of Sam's, but he did his best to calm the nerves that began coursing through his body. He feared that he would walk into this house and everyone would immediately recognize him for what he was. A nothing. A wicked sorcerer who had somehow bewitched Sam Winchester into falling in love with him. He was still unsure how he had accomplished that feat, a fact that pecked at the back of his brain.

"Alright, Don't worry. They're going to love you." Sam said with an excited smile before he reached out and opened the door. Castiel stepped aside to let Sam enter first and followed in behind him after another deep breath. He could hear a bunch of voices, all of them cheerful despite the bickering notes in their tone.

"I Don't care what you say Bobby, I am going to baste this thing the way I want to damnit. Now get out of my kitchen!" A woman's voice could be heard over the hum of other conversations and Cas could see a scruffy lumberjack looking man crossing the hallway's opening before turning around to face the direction he had come from.

"Fine Ellen, but Don't come crying to me when that thing is as dry as the backwoods of Kentucky." The man huffed, though the warmth in his voice betrayed any notes of irritation.

Sam snickered and shook his head as he moved towards the end of the hall. Castiel immediately felt uncomfortable with the good natured ribbings that were taking place. The same words could be said at his family's Christmas but they would be uttered in an entirely different tone. It dawned on Castiel that this was his opportunity to be with a family who truly loved one another. His palms began to sweat at the thought.

The bearded older man turned back towards the hallway and his eyes brightened a fraction. "Sam! Thank god boy- Ellen here is ruining our dinner."

"Hey Bobby." Sam moved forward and pulled the man into a bear hug. The man he called Bobby hugged him back for a moment before pulling back and taking a good look at Sam.

"Leave Ellen's cooking alone will you? She wont want to do this anymore if you keep dogging her."

"Yeah, yeah." Bobby waved Sam away and was about to move but then caught a glimpse of Cas over the mountain that was Sam's body. "Oh, that's right. You brought someone home with ya." Bobby moved out of the narrow hallways opening to allow Sam to move through and into the larger room. Castiel followed and took in his surroundings.

He was standing in a breakfast nook of sorts, the kitchen to his right and a large living room to his left. He let his eyes pass over the living room quickly, where he found multiple men in baseball caps holding a bottle of beer and watching a football game. That was pretty familiar to him. In the kitchen he saw an older woman fussing over a ham she was currently basting in the oven. She was humming to herself softly and Castiel smiled at the purity of the sight.

The kitchen was decorated in warm tones of reds and yellows and there was a child's painting of a rooster on the wall. The breakfast nook held a small round table that had salt and pepper shakers that looked liked Santa and Mrs. Claus. The temperature was a little bit warm from the oven's hard work through out the day and Castiel shrugged his coat off and folded it over his arm.

There was a crash from a room off the right side of the kitchen and Castiel jumped slightly.

"I'm alright...everything...everything is good." A man's voiced called into the kitchen. There was an echo in is words that made Cas think he was in the garage. The voice itself was husky and deep, although it didn't compare to the deep cavernous tone that Castiel felt he was cursed with. He vaguely heard an exchange between Bobby and Sam but was more concentrated on finding the source of the voice he just heard.

"My God- that boy manages to break something every time he comes here." Ellen said with a smile on her face as she closed the oven door.

He brought his attention back to Bobby who was staring at him, apparently waiting for Cas to say something. He looked to Sam who was also looking at him expectantly.

"Oh- I'm sorry-" Cas started.

"It's okay babe," Sam placed a hand on his arm. "I was just introducing you to my sort of Uncle Bobby."

Castiel plastered his family smile on his face and reached out a hand. "I'm sorry, Its really nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you. I'm Castiel."

Bobby took Cas' hand and shook it roughly for a moment before letting go and nodding. "Yeah, I heard a good bit about you too. Hopefully Sam here was as nice to me as he was to you."

Cas laughed, the sound coming out more strained than he would have liked. "I assure you, he had only good things to say."

"Well right back at you." Bobby began walking towards the living room where a crowd of people were huddled around a small television. "Beer?"

"Uh- yes, thank you." Cas said quietly. He wasn't technically of age yet, but Sam had explained to him that their family didn't really put much emphasis on adhering to what Bobby liked to call ' _arbitrary no good government trying to take over our lives_ ' laws. Bobby was a strong believer that ' _if you were old enough to die for your country then you were old enough to have a goddamn beer_ '. Castiel respected the hell out of that.

"Hey Dean! While you're out there grab Sammy and his fella a beer!" Bobby yelled out to the garage before turning back to the living room.

Cas looked over to Sam who was smiling widely and looking down at him.

"What?" Castiel asked quietly.

"I'm just really glad you're here." He said before dipping down and kissing his cheek.

Cas leaned his face into Sam's lips. "Me too."

And he was. Not just because it meant he didn't have to see his own family this Christmas, but also because this was just another step towards his perfect life with Sam. His family was already far superior to his own and he could tell he could be happy there. Bobby and Ellen shared the same warmth that radiated so effortlessly off of Sam and Castiel just wanted to bathe in it. He could feel the love in this house and it made him eager to make a home for himself.

"Sorry Ellen, the damn dog jumped on me and i dropped a few beers." The voice from earlier rang behind Castiel and he turned to find its source.

"You know where the broom is Dean." Ellen said hotly.

Sam had told Castiel about Dean plenty of times before. He had even seen him in a few pictures, but seeing him in person was something different. Coming from the same bloodline as Sam, Dean was of course ridiculously good looking. He wasn't as tall or as broad shouldered as his younger brother, but his body was just as perfectly sculpted. His hair was lighter than Sam's and cut shorter, but long enough to run your hands through. He couldn't tell what color his eyes were from across the room but immediately appreciated the small crinkles that formed around them when he smiled at Ellen. There was magnetism about him that kept Castiel staring, hoping to make eye contact and praying not to simultaneously.

Dean turned back around and went back to what Castiel assumed was the garage. He found himself staring blankly in that direction for another moment before bringing himself back.

"You must be Castiel!" Ellen was walking towards him, wiping her hands on a dish towel that she threw to the counter before standing in front of him. She brought her arms up and pulled Cas into a hug that he was entirely unprepared for. Hugging wasn't something Cas really did. At all. It was ironic because Gabriel had complained about Cas' inability to respect personal space when they were growing up, but hugging was never something Cas came to easily. Through a lot of self- monitoring he was eventually able to naturally keep a respectable distance when he was having a conversation with someone, but hugging someone he wasn't sleeping with, he never did warm up to.

Ellen had his upper arms pinned, so he moved his hands up to her back as much as he could manage. Cas was sure the hug looked awkward as hell but when Ellen pulled back her smile was wide and bright.

"I'm so glad you could make it. Our Sammy has just gone on and on about you." She turned around then and pulled Sam down to kiss his cheek. Sam smiled adoringly down at her.

"Alright, Alright. Mess is cleaned up and I'm bearing gifts." Dean sauntered into the kitchen from the garage with a smirk on his face. " Hi-ya Sammy." His eyes roamed over his brother for a moment. "You get shorter?" He placed a case of beer on the ground.

"Jerk." Sam rolled his eyes at his brother's wide grin and moved past Castiel to hug his brother.

"Ah now, Don't go saying nasty things about me when we've got company." Dean said, his gaze turning to Cas over Sam's shoulder.

When their eyes met, Cas felt something inside of him shift- like a missing beat of his heart suddenly began pumping in rhythm. He pushed away the feeling and strode forward as casually as he could manage with his hand outstretched.

"Hello, Dean."

Dean's eyes, which Cas was now close enough to recognize as green, were positively sparkling. as they took in Cas' presence. Dean blinked forcibly a couple times when he met Cas' crystal blues, as if his eyes needed to adjust to a bright light. A bewildered expression graced his features for a split second before Dean slipped an easy smile to his lips.

"Hey, Cas." Dean stepped around his brother and brought his hand up to meet Cas'. "Sammy just wont shut up about you."

Cas let out a shaky laugh, "Yes, I could same thing about you."

Dean's hand was warm in Castiel's, a lit flame that shot up his arm and made his chest flutter in its flames. His skin was rough, and his grip on Castiel's hand was firm, but there was something incredibly gentle about the handshake. It was comforting even. Their eyes locked and Castiel wasn't sure how long they looked at each other before he dropped Dean's hand. A panicked smile pulled the corners of Castiel's lips up, he feared he had held the greeting for too long.

Dean didn't seem to notice though.

"Well then, either we're awesome or Sam is batshit." Dean joked and Castiel's smile relaxed. They held each other's gaze for a long moment before Sam came to Cas' side and slung his arm around him. Cas broke away from Dean's stare to look up to his boyfriend. He smiled sweetly up at him.

"You'll have to excuse my brother, he can be an ass." Sam's amused expression betrayed his feigned annoyance.

Dean brought his eyes up to meet his brother's and let his carefree smile fall into a dramatic frown. "Alright. I see how this Christmas is going to go." He nodded slightly, sniffing and thumbing the side of his nose. "We'll see Sammy."

Castiel couldn't help but laugh at the fake threat Dean threw at his brother.

"Dean, where are those beers boy?" Bobby shouted from the living room.

Dean rolled his eyes and brought his attention to the room full of football fans. "I got a little distracted." His eyes wandered over Castiel's face for a moment before smiling shyly and ducking his head down. He brought his hand up to his neck as he walked over to the group with the case. "I'm comin', keep your seat."

Cas watched Dean start handing out beers, trying not to notice the way his jeans fit perfectly around the lower half of his body. Dean smiled brightly as he popped the tops for everyone, throwing a joke or two at the recipients. Cas shook his head slightly and looked up at Sam.

"Your brother is..." Cas began, unsure of how to finish that sentence as soon as he had started.

"A dumbass?" Sam smirked.

"I was going to say humorous." Castiel clarified with a grin. "Less dumb, less ass."

Sam laughed and pulled Castiel close to him, bringing his lips to his forehead.

"Come on- come meet the rest of the group."

They walked towards the large living room that had two couches angled around the television and a bunch of folding chairs scattered around them. Castiel was immediately astounded by how comfortable everyone seemed. They were talking easily, no yelling or threats of arm wrestling tournaments over Grandma's place settings.

"Everyone this is Castiel, my boyfriend." Sam announced as they crossed the threshold into the living room.

Cas was greeted with friendly smiles across the room and a smattering of hello's.

Sam walked towards the guy sitting closest to them on the left. "This here is Garth- he is a friend from high school and Bobby's actual nephew." Garth waved a hand and gave Cas a wide smile that almost made Castiel chuckle. His face was so gaunt that the spread of his lips in his smile covered about half of his face.

"Next to him is Jo, that's Bobby and Ellen's daughter." Jo craned her head around Sam to see the TV, sparing Cas a glance and a smile before turning her attention back to the game. She was pretty, sandy blonde hair that fell around her shoulders and a face that Cas felt ran a fine line between angelic and sultry.

"Oh come on!" Jo yelled into the screen. "What a shit call."

Sam raised his eyebrows and continued to walk around the room. "Anyway- this is Victor, Bobby's older brother." The way Sam said his name made Cas believe Victor wasn't really one of Sam's favorite people and the hard stare Victor gave him all but confirmed that. Cas smiled politely at the bald and harsh looking man before following Sam to the next person.

"Kevin here grew up in the apartment across from ours when we were growing up. He is like a little brother to me and Dean...but Don't believe anything he tells you." Sam said as he pointed to a short asian guy sitting with his legs crossed on the second couch. Kevin rolled his eyes and waved before bringing his attention back to the laptop he was currently typing on. "Kevin's a writer too, although he does mostly non-fiction stuff."

Castiel's face brightened and gave Kevin a genuine smile. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about his passion. There weren't a lot of people that he could relate to on that level and seeing as how Kevin was currently writing furiously on his laptop, Cas was pretty sure they would have a good bit to talk about.

"Saving the best for last Sammy?" A cheerful red-headed girl stood up and wrapped her arms around Castiel. "I'm Charlie. I'm awesome, and I'm pretty sure we will be best friends."

"Careful Charlie- the man's taken and I'm pretty sure he don't got your required equipment." Cas almost jumped at Dean's voice behind him and when Charlie let him go, Cas stepped back right into him.

"Oh- Sorry." Cas said as he moved away, the brick wall of Dean's chest like a gust of fire on Castiel's back. He could feel his face flushing slightly as he brought his hand to Sam's and intertwined their fingers.

"S' alright." Dean said with an easy smile and handed him a beer.

"Thank you." Castiel said quietly as he took it.

"Charlie here works with me down at The Bunker." Dean said as he popped the top off of their beers. "Taught her everything I know."

"What did you do with all of that free time then?" Sam teased as he took a sip of his beer.

"Ha." Dean grimaced at his brother. He shoved the bottle opener into his front pocket. "I'll have you know, this one couldn't mix a rum and coke when i got her. Now, the girl can make an old fashioned that rivals mine."

Castiel furrowed his brow slightly. Dean brought his eyes to his and watched in bemusement as Cas tilted his head slightly. "I'm sorry- The Bunker?"

"that's where we work." Charlie piped in. "Its a bar in Arlington."

"Oh, right. Actually, now that I think of it- that sounds familiar. My family is from that area. Its not too far from here right?" Castiel questioned, his gaze focused on Charlie.

"Yeah, only about an hours drive." She answered.

"Yeah Bobby and Ellen moved to Berryville when we were kids." Dean explained. "They wanted me and Sammy to come with em', but the schools out here are shit and there was no way Sam was getting into W&M without a better education."

Sam sighed and lowered his head slightly. Castiel knew this already. Sam and Dean's parents died when they were both in elementary school. They stayed with Bobby and Ellen until Dean was fifteen and Sam was twelve. Bobby and Ellen wanted to move out to the country and away from the city's increasing crime rates but Dean had insisted on staying in the better school district. He could barely afford the one bedroom on the salary he was getting at the car shop though, even with the money Bobby was able to send him. He worked as a mechanic after school and on weekends before finally dropping out and getting his GED so that he could work full-time. Dean's father had taught him a good bit as a kid, and then after he died Bobby had taken it upon himself to teach Dean everything there was to learn about cars.

Then on Dean's sixteenth birthday, Bobby rolled up to their shack of an apartment in Dean's father's 67' Chevy Impala, fully restored. Castiel remembered smiling as Sam described the way Dean's draw dropped and tears formed behind his eyes when he saw the car he would then dub 'Baby.' Bobby had told Dean they had sold the car out of necessity when times got hard, but he had in fact been working tirelessly to keep it in running condition until Dean was old enough to have it.

"Alright over there- Don't go knocking my kid's schoolin." Bobby chastised from a chair in the corner.

Dean held up his hands in surrender. "I'm just saying."

Sam shook his head and took another sip of his beer. He knew how much his brother had sacrificed for him. He was so grateful for everything that Dean had done to get him to where he is, sometimes Castiel wondered if there was a single thing Dean could do that would make Sam turn his back on him.

"Well I think it's very noble of you to take responsibility of Sam, Dean." Castiel said smoothly.

Dean felt his cheeks get hot and took a quick sip of his beer. "Oh- yeah, well uh. You know, its no big deal."

Castiel could tell how flustered Dean was at the compliment and found it endearing. He felt happy knowing Sam wasn't exaggerating about his big brother.

"Hey Dean." Jo called from the couch, standing up to mark the beginning of half time. "How's Lisa doing?"

Dean shot her a look and then evened out his expression and shrugged. "I Don't know, you'd have to ask her boyfriend."

"Ooo. Sorry man." Jo said with a pat on Dean's shoulder. "That's rough."

"She cheat on you?" Sam asked, concern in his voice.

"Nah- just didn't work out. Met another guy a week later." Castiel watched as Dean blinked a few times and shuffled his feet, his eyes finding the floor. He could tell Dean was uncomfortable talking about this.

"Her loss." Castiel found himself saying before the words had time to register in his mind. His face flustered for a moment but tried to even it out as quickly as possible.

Dean's eyes shot up at Castiel, surprise lighting his features. Cas held Dean's gaze for what felt like a much longer moment than was necessary.

Dean cocked his head slightly and brought his hand up to the back of his neck, his eyes moving to Sam and Castiel's interwoven hands and then back up to Cas. "I think that's up for debate man."

Sam let out a laugh and squeezed Cas' hand. "Its well known around here that Dean cant take a compliment. Its actually pretty funny to say something nice to him and see him get all flustered and then insult you."

Cas smiled into the opening of his beer, his lips curling around the bottle in an amused smirk. Watching Sam and Dean together made him miss his own siblings. Despite their shortcomings, he did love them.

Dean's hand jutted out quickly and smacked Sam playfully in the face. "Watch it Sammy. You may have filled out a bit since I was carting your ass to playgroup, but i can still take you."

Sam chuckled again, bringing the hand that held his beer up in submission. "Yeah, sure Dean."

"Alright y'all, dinner's on the table." Ellen called from the kitchen. "Garth go get that bottle of wine you brought, we'll put it on the table."

Sam looked down at Cas and raised his brow's slightly. "No matter what, you tell her you love it."

Castiel smirked and nodded. "Got it."

Dean leaned in then, his face coming dangerously close to breaking that personal space bubble Castiel had honed so perfectly.

"He's serious Cas, Ellen has killed men for less." His smile was sinfully playful and Cas could feel his heart rate climb at his proximity. With him so close, Castiel could now see the light freckles were decorated across Dean's nose and across his cheeks. His breath hitched slightly at the sight.

Castiel managed a polite smile though, and held his place, even though his instinct was to duck his head and step back from the older Winchester.

Dean's face transformed slightly before pulling back and gave Sam a quick glance. His expression was unreadable. He took a step back and turned away towards the kitchen, taking a long sip from his beer as he walked away.

Castiel began to follow when Sam pulled his hand back. "How are you doing?"

Cas shrugged. "Fine, surprisingly. Your family is...well, you're a very lucky man Sam."

Sam beamed down at him, glancing up at the crowd gathering in the kitchen for a moment before turning his attention back down to his boyfriend. He leaned down and kissed him chastely.

"Yes, I definitely am."

 _December 28th, 2008_

 _Christmas was everything i knew it could be. It was like watching one of those movies Gabe insists are classics. Sam and his family were lovely, far better than my own. that's for sure._

 _Bobby and Ellen had the kind of relationship i long for, playful bickering over domestic life and the comfort of being loved unconditionally. I see the way Sam looks at them and i think he wants that too._

 _To live that life, to be happy with a family of my own, its all i've ever wanted._

 _It should be strange to think about living that life with Sam when we haven't been together for much more than a year. But its not. Its not strange at all- it seems simple even. We love each other. We want the same things. Being only 20, it could seem like i'm rushing it but when you find the right person...why wait?_

 _Sam is applying to GW law school. After i graduate, we talked about me moving into the city to be with him. If he doesn't get into GW, i Don't know what we'll do. Sam wants to be close to his brother, so i'm hoping it works out._

 _Meeting Dean was interesting. He's not what i expected, and yet I Don't know what i should have anticipated. Sam had told me so much about him, i shouldn't be so thrown...but i am. There's just something about him...Its interesting._

 _He didn't confine himself to the social norms Gabe had instilled in me. Through the whole weekend he would stand incredibly close to me at times. It became so common that I was worried it was I who was initiating it. When I was washing dishes in the morning, Dean stood right next to me to dry them. I mean right next to me. His arm brushed mine repeatedly as i scrubbed plates clean and he dried them with a dish towel. I didn't think it would be good to ask him to step away, i figured it would draw more attention to the moment than was necessary. Maybe he has always been someone who stands too close. I would be the same way if Gabriel hadn't taught be differently._

 _But Dean would also look at me. I Don't just mean put his eyes on me, I mean that he would really look at me. I found myself unable to tear away from his gaze a lot of the time and that makes me...i Don't know how i feel about it. He is Sam's brother so i want to have a good relationship with him, but i need to be careful here. He is extremely attractive and with my past experiences... i Don't want to develop and attraction to him. That would be extremely inconvenient._

 _I cant imagine the reason he was looking at me so much was because he finds me attractive. Not that someone finding me good looking would be unusual, but he is Sam's brother. I have a strong feeling that the last thing Dean would want is to think of is brother's boyfriend that way. He wouldn't want to hurt Sam. Besides, although Sam has never said so explicitly- i think Dean is a heterosexual. I have only ever heard girlfriends mentioned._

 _But still...i wonder...why was he looking at me so much?_


	5. Autumn Leaves

_March 5th 2009_

 _Sam was accepted to G.W. His face lit up so bright when he read the letter i think i fell in love with him all over again. He is going to leave soon after graduation to get settled into the apartment he is renting in the city and start studying. From what i've heard about law school, i am anticipating that he will be spending the majority of the next four years studying. That is alright though because i plan to devote myself to writing after i graduate next year._

 _I have summer internship at a local paper here. I should have thought more about that before accepting. Maybe i could have worked at my grandfather's paper again and been closer to Sam this summer._

 _I have a plan to turn my story that Mr. C liked into a novel. I think it will be the perfect story for a debut novel. I will probably have to do some more research about drug addiction to make it as accurate as possible. I may consider trying a few as well, just as research._

Sam and Castiel had settled into a comfortable denial about him leaving in a few weeks. They carefully avoided the topic whenever it arose and did their best of steering clear of any major relationship conversations. They had already decided to continue their relationship through long distance but the closer that reality came, the more scared Castiel got.

He was making coffee one morning, carefully scooping the exact amount of grounds into the maker when something in him snapped. It hit him so hard he actually froze before pressing the start button.

"Cas?" Sam was frying eggs and noticed his boyfriend's sudden change in demeanor.

Castiel's voice was a whisper when he managed to speak. "You're leaving."

Sam just stared at him for a moment, thinking thoughtfully before speaking.

"You'll meet me there."

Cas pressed start on the coffee maker and sighed. He turned around and let his waist rest against the kitchen counter. "Yes. I will."

Sam took in the sadness in Castiel's eyes and put down the spatula he was holding. He moved into Cas' body and wrapped his arms around him. It felt like he was being engulfed by the fluffy stone wall. Cas put his cheek to Sam's chest and felt an overwhelming urge to cry, something he hadn't done in quite a while. He knew if he let himself cry, if he opened that door, it would be a major moment for him. Not just in his relationship with Sam, but within himself.

He wanted Sam to know him, he wanted to be as close as he possibly could with him. He wanted them to share everything, and he was sure that crying on your partner's shoulder was something normal couples would do. So he did. He felt the wet heat behind his eyes and blinked out the first of many tears. He stayed silent at first, clenching his lips together making them shake violently at their restraint. Soon, he could feel himself letting go completely, the strength of Sam's arms around him coaxing him into submission. Castiel didn't just cry, he sobbed. Not just because soon he would be living separately from the person who loved him, really loved him, but because he could. He could cry and it was alright. Sam was there, and he wasn't going to let him go.

 _May17th 2009_

 _Sam left today. I tried not to cry, I didn't want to make it harder, but i saw tears in his eyes when i walked him to his car and i couldn't hold them back. They were different than the last time i cried. They collected and flowed more slowly than before. I think i like this way of crying better._

 _He said he would call me when he got there. I Don't think i will ever appreciate a call more. I keep thinking about what could happen on his way there. A tanker explosion, a four car pile up, a fucking banana peel in the road. If something were to ever happen to him, i Don't think i would recover._

 _I am so much better when I'm with him. I think i like myself now. I Don't know when that happened, i Don't even know if i will still feel the same when he isn't here. Its nice not making so many mistakes. Its nice not having to feel bad about my choices._

Castiel continued to live with Meg in the apartment they had shared with Sam. He did grunt work for the local paper and found himself staying up most nights working on his novel. He slipped into a steady routine that summer. During the day he would work then come home to go for a three mile run around campus. He would sometimes see Amelia while he was running the paths and they soon began running together again. He enjoyed her company and was pleased to have a friend.

In the evenings Castiel would switch off between getting drunk off cheap whiskey and watching crappy television with Meg, working on his novel (which usually involved more expensive whiskey), or talking to Sam. They would sometimes email each other back and forth throughout the day, sending interesting or funny articles they had read and talking about them. Other times they would just put each other on speaker phone as they went about their normal routines. It wasn't uncommon for them both to fall asleep while they were on the phone, each of them enjoying the sound of even breathing coming from the phone's speaker.

It was one of those nights that Castiel had woken up to the sound of beeping in his ear. His eyes opened a fraction, groggily coming awake while he attempted to find the source of the obnoxious sound. He adjusted his vision to the his phone that was propped up next to his head on the pillow next to him. He grabbed for it jerkily, squinting as the backlight came on and blinded him. He was still connected to Sam, despite having fallen asleep hours before. The beeping sound was his call waiting. He could see at the top of the screen that he had five missed calls.

Castiel's heart began to pound as his finger slid quickly to the accept button on his phone.

"H-Hello?" His voice was still heavy with sleep, despite the growing anxiety he felt.

"Cas." A woman's hoarse voice came through the receiver. It was familiar, although distant in his mind.

"Yes, this is Castiel...who is this?" He was sitting up in bed now and the sheets were twisted around his waist.

"Its me, Cas. Its Lucy."

Castiel was out of bed in an instant. He somehow avoided being tripped by the sheets that pulled at his feet as he jumped out of his bed and he was pacing as soon as they hit the floor.

"Lucy? What is it?" He was fully awake now. "Where are you?"

"Denver."

Castiel could hear sirens in the background, but they were distant. His big sister's voice both soothed and grated at him from thousands of miles away.

Hearing it again made him flashback to the times where she would sneak back into the house from Castiel's window because it was closest to the ground. She would sometimes crawl into bed within, her hair smelling of smoke and sweat, her breath heavily coated in alcohol. She would sing in his ear softly and hold him close to her. He wasn't sure if it was because she knew he needed it, or because she did, but those moments spent together meant the world to Castiel. When she left, Castiel felt a piece of him go with her. It took him a long time before he stopped smelling her in the moments before he woke up in the morning.

No matter her issues, Lucy Novak had always loved her siblings. She loved them fiercely and would have protected them with her life. There came a time though, that she couldn't keep it all together anymore. Her anger and bitterness at the mistakes her father made, the choices her mother continued to make, it weighed her down so much that she couldn't be strong enough for Castiel anymore.

She did come home once though. She slipped back into the house the night she stormed out of the house. Castiel had left his window open for her, a fact that made her smile and broke her heart at the same time. She collected a bag of her things quickly, never noticing the flowers that decorated her pillow.

When she left, she kissed Castiel on his forehead while he slept.

"I'll always love you Castiel." She whispered into her slumbering little brother's ear.

Lucy didn't get all the way out of the house before tears were falling down her face, knowing that would be the last time she climbed through that window.

"Denver? Lucy...Are you ok?" Castiel didn't know what to say, she was calling him, his sister was calling him and he didn't know where to begin. She sounded rough, she sounded like she definitely was not okay.

"Yes. I-I just...i miss you Cassie." Her words were raspy and feather light. It occurred to Castiel that she probably wasn't sober. "You've really done it. I'm...God Cassie...good for you."

"What? How do you- Lucy where did you even get my number?"

"Its on your facebook profile little brother. Never thought i'd see the day...little Castiel on social media."

He let out a sigh as he nodded to himself. He hadn't checked the account since Sam set it up for him. He didn't see the point of the website, but Sam insisted on Castiel creating a profile. He told him it was good for keeping in touch with friends and Cas didn't want to have to admit to him that there wasn't anyone he could reconnect with. It felt pathetic and he didn't want Sam to look at him with his sad eyes.

"Yeah- Sam...my phone number is on there?"

"Obviously."

Castiel didn't know what else to say. He hadn't seen or talked to his sister in almost ten years. He wanted to ask her why she left, why she never called before, why she was calling now, but he knew he probably wouldn't get an answer. He stayed silent.

"You still there?" There was a note of desperation in her voice.

"Yes."

Silence.

"Are you happy Castiel?"

Cas closed his eyes and sunk to the edge of his bed. He felt himself take in a long, deep breath, and let it out slowly.

"I think so. Yes." He paused. "Are you happy?"

"Sometimes." She whispered after a moment. "I have a daughter."

Castiel blinked rapidly, a lump forming in his throat that he tried to swallow down.

"A baby? You had...a baby?"

"Yes. She is six now."

"I-I that's..." He trailed off. What was he going to say? Wonderful? Was it really wonderful? Probably not.

"Yeah." She sniffed. "Her name is Claire."

"Claire."

"Yes."

"The father?"

"Gone."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Castiel paused again. This was how stories went. Everything is circular. Of course Claire's father left her, just like Lucy's father left her. It was not surprising that Lucy's voice was dripping with whatever she is high on either, because if Castiel called his mother right now, he was sure she would sound the same way. It was a devastating realization and Castiel could feel tears begin to form.

"I'm sorry."

"It happens."

"Yes. Yes it does."

Castiel could hear more sirens in the background and he guessed she was standing on the street somewhere. A gust of wind into the speaker of her phone confirmed this and Castiel thought maybe he could see her. She was wearing something that showed more skin than the average mother would and she was too thin. Her hair was deep brown like his, or perhaps bleached with dark roots peeking through. She stood on the street with her arm across her stomach, hiding herself from the world. There was loneliness in her eyes, sad wrinkles formed around their edges.

"Come home Lucy."

A sound close to a huff came through the phone and Castiel knew she was shaking her head.

"I'm glad you're okay Cassie. I worried about you the most."

"Lucy-"

"Tell Gabe and Anna I'm okay." She kept her tone soft as she cut him off.

"Lucy-" He tried again, he didn't want this to be over.

"I love you."

"I Lo-" He tried to get out, he wanted her to hear it. She needed to hear it.

Click.

 _August 15th 2009_

 _I wonder if she will call me again. I keep my phone on ring all the time now, hoping i wont miss her call. What if she needs help? Is there something else i could have said to make her...i Don't know...make her come home? Make her listen? I still cant believe she called me._

 _Sam says i did all i could. He suggested I try to find her on facebook since that's where she found me._

 _I miss him. God i miss him. I bought his brand of shampoo at the store so i could smell like him. Its pathetic. If classes didn't start next week I'd probably go to D.C to surprise him._

 _I miss him and a I miss sex. I Don't know if its possible, but i feel like i'm always full, like i'm ready to explode in orgasm at any moment. I've never been one for masturbation, since i've never really had a hard time finding a sexual partner. I'm thinking though i should get used to relieving myself while Sam is gone._

 _Jill._

 _Jesus Christ. I get it now. I have to call Gabriel._

Castiel spent an entire Saturday afternoon on facebook searching for his sister. It took him awhile to figure out how to use it in the first place, first glancing over his own profile that Sam had put together for him. The picture was a candid one Sam had taken when they were at the beach. His hair was mussed and his eyes were bright as he stared out into the ocean. He wore a shy smirk, that he recognized as the look he wore whenever his picture was being taken against his will.

His eyes moved down the page to find the information Sam had written out for him.

 **Bio: I'm a dry son of a bitch, but I'll make you laugh harder than you ever have before. I want to be a writer, I haven't figured out that I already am one. My eyes are so blue, you'll wonder if I'm wearing heaven colored contacts. I read books bigger than my boyfriend's biceps. I love cheeseburgers and hate mushrooms. I like to blast Muse at ridiculously high volumes when I have writers block. If for some reason my boyfriend is stupid enough to let me go, I'm pansexual- so whatever you're selling- I'm buying. Talk to me. I love that.**

 **Favorite TV Show- That one with the babysitter and the pizza man**

 **Favorite Band/Musician: Billie Holliday**

 **Favorite Book- Walden**

 **Favorite Movie- ...More books please...**

 **Relationship Status: In a relationship with Sam Winchester**

Castiel was practically in tears, he was laughing so hard. He knew Sam was funny, he made Cas laugh all the time. But sometimes, when he had time to think over his words carefully, Sam could be brilliant. The birthday cards so far had been something straight out of a comedy movie. Castiel was the one with the quick wit, he would kill with one liners and his dry sense of humor, but Sam was a comedy genius when he had time to really think about it.

Cas clicked on the link that led him to Sam's facebook page.

He smiled easily the moment his boyfriend's face graced his computer screen. Cas was standing next to him in the picture, Sam's arm draped over his shoulder casually while Cas kissed his cheek.

 ** _Bio: Law student- but not that kind of law student. Trust me. Long walks on the beach are my PB &J and I like classic rock. Led Zeppelin classic...not Pearl Jam classic. Not that Jeremy isn't a great song or anything. I read a lot, but not as much as my boyfriend. I eat a lot of protein so i Don't waste away. Spinach likes to live in my teeth. I wont exist for the next four years...I am a slave to the LSATs._**

 **Favorite TV show: Law & Order**

 **Favorite Band/Musician: Eric Clapton**

 **Favorite Movie: The Departed**

 **Favorite Book: Anything by C. Novak**

 **Relationship Status: In a relationship with Castiel Novak**

The last line had Castiel grinning so hard his cheeks were starting to burn. He clicked on the link to see more pictures of his handsome man. The first few were of ones of the two of them. One of them hiking in great falls when they went home to his grandparents house one weekend. A few of them out at parties where Sam looked amazing in a series of button down shirts that clung to his chest.

Castiel could feel himself harden at the sight of boyfriends perfectly sculpted body. He was alone in the apartment for the day, Meg had a hospital rotation that would go into the night. He thought about it for a moment then decided now was as perfect time as any to have a date with Jill.

He palmed himself through his jeans for a moment, feeling his dick flick to life under his hand. He moved his left hand over the cursor on his laptop to flip to the next picture of Sam. It was from the beach and he wasn't wearing a shirt. With a soft groan Castiel unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out and into his hand. He began stroking it lightly as his eyes roamed over Sam's chest. He imagined flicking his nipples with his tongue and pulled harder at himself. Castiel moved his thumb over the tip of his dripping cock and smoothed his precum over his shaft, lubricating himself.

He flipped to the next picture.

This one Sam was obviously laying in bed, his hair spread out around the pillow and the camera focused above him. Castiel remembered when that was taken. They had just finished executing the 69 position perfectly and were laughing and congratulating each other on a job well done. Castiel could feel Sam's lips around his shaft then, the memory pulling him closer to his release. He began stroking faster, tugging at himself viciously as he flipped to the next picture. He could feel himself getting closer, he was panting as his hand moved over his length in earnest. As the next picture loaded Castiel felt the heat from his abdomen start to spread, tingles shooting from his dick through his whole body.

He searched for his boyfriend's face as he began to fall over the edge. Sam was wearing a wide grin in the picture, his arm slung over the shoulders of his big brother. Castiel tried to focus on Sam, but Dean's emerald eyes called to him and he found himself unable to pull his attention away from the elder Winchester as he came. He took in the soft stubble decorating Dean's cheeks, the crinkling lines around his eyes as he smiled into the camera. He looked so beautiful and Castiel said Dean's name as he grunted out the last of his orgasm into his hand.


	6. Good Morning Heatache

_October 19th 2009_

 _Sometimes I stare at the cursor in my word processor and feel like throwing my laptop into the kitchen sink. I used to do that with ice cream when I was trying to be healthier. Pouring water over it, took its power over me away. If I poured water over my laptop, I would be out of a laptop, but at least I wouldn't have to look at the fucking cursor mocking me with its incessant blinking. I cant think. I cant write anything that doesn't make me want to vomit._

 _To make matters worse Meg was kicked out of her nursing program and now she is constantly around the apartment. I keep asking her what she is going to do next and she just shrugs and lights another joint. If i didn't plan on asking her to share her stash at some point (for research purposes) I would ask her to stop smoking in the house. The smell is pungent and i'd rather not get kicked out of our apartment. She wont tell me what happened at the hospital, i imagine that means its pretty embarrassing._

 _Sam is doing well so far in his classes. He feels prepared for his first exams so that's good. I miss him everyday. I printed out a few of his facebook pictures to put around the apartment. I found one of them with black marker drawn over his teeth the other day. I think i can safely assume it was Meg._

 _I have purposely not looked for anymore pictures of Dean. I felt pretty horrible after what happened. I cant do things like that. Not to Sam. Never to Sam. He doesn't deserve that._

 _I'm so terrified i am going to find a way to screw this up. I always do. Its inevitable, that downward spiral I am so comfortable with. I Don't know how, but time and time again i am seduced by my own destruction. I like to pretend it drags me, but in truth i willingly crawl on my hands and knees down that path._

 _I do not wish to do that again. I want to walk hand in hand with Sam. I want to walk in the light of everything my darkness tries to desperately to destroy._

 _God damnit it, I miss him so fucking much._

As Castiel expected, Sam was very busy studying when classes started. If it wasn't for Cas finally breaking his writers block and his own classes, he would have been more anxious over their lack of contact. Sam still called a few times a week, and texted throughout the day though. Even quick emoji kisses kept Castiel sane enough to get him to December when he would see Sam for Christmas.

Being alone though, even with the E! network constantly streaming through his living room, was wearing Castiel down. He craved to be touched, to be kissed. He would put pillows behind him at night to simulate sharing his bed, he masturbated every morning in the shower, he even started running twice a day so he could get out his excess energy.

None of that helped with his state of mind though. Being unable to talk to Sam as often as he would like, Castiel began to worry that their separation would soon drive a wedge between them. If Castiel wasn't there to make him laugh, to push his hair out of his eyes, to kiss his shoulder when they walked down the street, would Sam forget he liked those things? Would Sam forget why he was dating Castiel? Would he forget why he loved him?

These were the things that kept him up at night. These were the things that helped him finish a bottle of whiskey one Wednesday night. He didn't have class in the morning and he hadn't heard from Sam all day. Meg was out with the strange people she called her friends and Castiel decided getting drunk and writing bad poetry would make for a very entertaining evening. He was just about to lay his head down on his keyboard when his phone began to buzz in his pocket.

Cas fumbled with his jeans pocket. He pulled his phone out, only to drop it on the floor under the table. He reached forward to grab it but bumped his head on the table then fell out of his chair. His shoulder slammed into the cheap carpet and thought he might fall asleep right there if it wasn't for the buzzing phone under his ear.

After groping along the floor until he reached his own head, Castiel pulled the phone from under him and turned to lay flat on his back. He squinted at the screen and then smiled a wide gummy grin.

"Baby!" Castiel shouted into the phone's microphone.

In his drunken haze, Cas didn't register Sam's laughter. "You're drunk."

"Yes. Quite a bit actually."

"Aw, I miss drunk Cas." Sam said sweetly. Castiel pictured the smile his boyfriend would be wearing right now.

"Drunk Cas misses naked Sam." Castiel slurred, his mouth puckering into pout.

Sam laughed again and Castiel groaned. "Stop laughing. I miss laughing Sam!"

"I'm sorry babe, no more laughing. Promise." Sam promised. Castiel was sure he could still hear him snickering.

"Sam?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Do you still love me?" Castiel didn't know why he asked him that. He didn't know how the words had formed and blurted out of his mouth before he gave them permission. He assumed Jack Daniels gave them permission.

"Yes." No hesitation, Sam's voice light and effortless. "I Don't see that changing anytime soon. Especially when you call me all drunk and cute."

"Cute? I Don't think i want to be cute Sam." Castiel grunted into the phone as he tried to sit up and failed. He let out a loud breath. "I Don't want to be cute, i want to be..." He trailed off.

"You want to be...what?" Sam asked patiently, still enjoying his boyfriend's intoxication.

"Everything."

Silence.

"You are." Sam finally said. His voice had changed from playful to contemplative. Even over the phone and through a haze of whiskey, Sam could tell when something was brewing beneath Castiel's surface.

"Why?" Castiel pressed, the whiskey letting him finally ask the questions that had kept him awake over the last few months.

"Why what?"

"Why am I everything?"

A long pause.

"Sam? Did you die?"

A soft chuckle. "No babe, I'm still kickin.'"

"Oh good. I would be sad if you died." Castiel could hear Sam moving papers through the phone. "Would you be sad if i died?"

"How much whiskey did you drink?"

"Enough."

"I see." His playful tone had returned. "Why not call me in the morning. I can blast Justin Bieber through the phone and you can tell me again why he is the fifth horseman of the apocalypse."

"No. No Sam. I-I have to ask you...well how else to explain his superior drum skills and hair style? The two things Don't go together Sam. They just don't."

Sam snickered again and if Castiel could see him, he was sure Sam would be shaking his head and smiling from ear to ear.

"What is it you want to ask me?" He finally said, pulling Castiel back from his near comatose state.

"Huh? Oh- Yes. Sam. Very Important. Why...Sam...why do you love me?" As the last words left his mouth, Castiel knew it was an odd question to ask. But he didn't care. Jack had given him courage, but he had also taken away a certain amount of his pride.

"Why do I love you..." Sam said it as a light question to himself, not in repetition of Castiel. "Let me see...well this- this is one reason i love you. Because when you're drunk, or sober, or screaming your head off at the improper use of accept and except- you make life so much more fun."

"I'm fun? that's why you love me?" Castiel sounded offended.

"Its just one reason Castiel." Sam rolled his eyes. "I love you for a whole lot of reasons."

"I think i'd like to hear those reasons Sam."

Silence.

"Is everything alright?" Sam's more serious tone had returned.

"No everything is not ...fucking okay." Castiel wined into the phone, a yawn breaking up his words. "I hate this. I hate not being with you. You're going to forget why. You will because...because fuck Sam...it doesn't make any fucking sense... none of this makes sense."

Silence.

"Do you think now is the best time to have this conversation?"

"You thought about that for ten fucking minutes and that's the best thing you could come up with?"

"Come on, I just- I miss you too. God i miss you so fucking much. I'm sorry, its just you're drunk and you probably wont remember any of this tomorrow and i just-"

"You don't want to waste your best material on a drunk call?"

Sam laughed. "Yeah, something like that."

"Hmm." Castiel's eyes were closed now. Despite his tortured thoughts, the alcohol in his blood was pulling him into unconsciousness.

"I cant wait to see you at Christmas." Sam's voice was distant in his ear.

Castiel's words were a whisper now. "Don't wait then."

"If I wanted to have phone sex right now, could you get it up?" Sam teased.

"Mmm." Castiel mumbled something else indiscernible before finally blacking out.

Castiel awoke to light pressure pushing down on to his groin. He could feel a headache threatening his temple and wondered how long he had been asleep. He groggily blinked his eyes open, feeling comfort in the darkness that greeted him. He was still laying down next to the kitchen table and he could tell it was still dark outside through the slits in the blinds that covered the window.

His attention was drawn back quickly to the movement above him, and the twitch of his cock as it was rubbed again. His head was swimming, still unsure if he was awake but positive he was still very drunk. He felt what he thought was a hand slipping under the waistline of his jeans. He wanted to push it away, but couldn't pull his own hand off of the floor.

"Stop." He groaned, barely able to get the word to form on his tongue.

"Ah come on, sweetheart - I figured we could drown our sorrows together." Megs voice was raspy above him and Castiel tried to sit up but only managed to lift his head before letting it fall back to the ground in a loud thud.

"I already drowned."

"Well, how about I bring you back to life then?" He could feel the button of his jeans go undone and the zipper being pulled down.

"No." Cas almost whined as he shifted to his side, rolling Meg off of him. "Lea-me alone." He grumbled into the floor.

"Are you sure Cassie?" Meg was above him again, this time her face next to his and her mouth brushing against his ear. "I could make you forget all about that boyfriend of yours." She flicked her tongue against the ridges of his ear.

God that felt good. He hadn't been touched by someone else in months and in that very drunk moment Castiel was tempted to roll Meg over and fuck her senseless.

"Sam." Castiel breathed out his decent.

"Sam who?" She whispered again, bringing her hands around to Cas stomach and dipping one of them into his pants so quickly Cas didn't have a chance to move away before his cock was in her hand. Castiel let out an involuntary moan at the feeling of someone else's flesh on his length. He dick came to life easily, despite the copious amount of alcohol still flowing through him.

"I-I...can't." He said through gritted teeth, slamming his forehead into the floor.

"Say's who?" Meg countered, her hand stroking his length between his body and the floor. Castiel's hips bucked into her hand involuntarily for a fraction of a second before the weight of the moment caught up with him. He kicked his legs out quickly, pushing himself up to stand. His head slammed against the front of Meg's and she let out a pained grunt as she fell off of him.

"I said no Meg." Castiel said, his voice unsteady and his body wavering. He reached out a hand to the countertop to balance himself but fell forward when the countertop wasn't as close as he had thought. His head went flying into the counter top's edge and he slumped to the ground once more, stars in his eyes.

"Jesus Christ Castiel, I think you broke my nose." Meg yelled, though Castiel could barely hear her. His vision still hadn't cleared from his fall and the booze still affected his ability to process what what happening fully.

"Huh?" He grunted, putting a hand to his forehead.

Meg was up then, her hand over her face and red seeping between her fingertips.

"My nose god damnit." She spat at him as she walked into the kitchen to get a dishtowel. She pushed against her nose and held her head back.

"Well, you started it." Cas replied, his voice mimicking that of a fifth grader. He did his best to stand again, using the wall for support. He began walking slowly to his bedroom, knowing if he could just get inside and lock the door, this night could finally end.

He heard a series of curses from the kitchen but ignored them as he finally found his door knob and turned it. It was with great effort that Castiel remembered to shut and lock his door, his bed looking as close to nirvana as anything else he had ever seen. He did manage to seal himself off from his handsy roommate though and fall into his bed, sleep taking over before his head hit the mattress.

 _December 20th 2009_

 _My grandfather died._

 _Heart attack._

 _I cant...i don't know how to feel. I am so very sad. I didn't know i could feel this kind of sadness. There's no guilt, not self-loathing in this sadness. Its just heavy and crushing and I don't know how to deal. When Anna called to tell me, I didn't know what to say to her so i just asked if he was alone when it happened. She said he wasn't, that he was at work. Dead in minutes, nothing anyone could do._

 _I am going back to my grandparents house tomorrow. Sam said he would meet me there. Its good to have a partner when you are sad. I am so grateful he will be there to hold my hand as we bury my grandfather. I expect that moment to be incredibly difficult._

Despite Sam's own baggage with death and funerals, he was an incredible support system, not just for Castiel but his siblings too. During the funeral, Cas had cried a great deal and Sam kept his arm around his shoulder the entire time. He knew how difficult it was to say goodbye to family. Sam also found himself wrapping Castiel's sister into a strong hug when she broke down next to Simon Novak's grave. It looked almost absurd, Sam's large frame enveloping the tiny frame of Cas' older sister, but the sight warmed his heart.

Anna took to Sam very quickly, despite the depressing circumstances of their introductions. She could tell just as quickly as Castiel had that Sam was a good man. She never doubted his genuine concern for their family, and immediately understood what Cas saw in him.

Gabriel had flown down from New York the morning of the funeral and arrived just in time for the service. He didn't say much before hand, but did pull Castiel into a surprising hug, something Cas was unprepared for but appreciative of nonetheless.

Their mother had managed to stay sober enough to make it through the service but by the time the wake back at their grandparents house began, Sam had her draped in his arms. Castiel led him to the bedroom he slept in while he stayed there and motioned for Sam to lay her down on the twin bed.

"I'm sorry." Castiel said quietly. "She...well...you know."

Sam stared down at Cas' mother for a moment before shrugging and giving Cas a sad look. "I know." He pulled his boyfriend into his arms and rubbed his back through the coat of his suit jacket. "How are you? Can i do anything for you?"

Castiel sank in Sam's strong arms. "I-I Don't think so. I don't know. Is there something i should be doing?"

"No. This is it." Sam soothed.

Castiel just nodded against his chest, pulling his arms up against his own body and letting Sam pull him against him tighter. "Thank you."

"Shoulda known you'd turn out to be a fag." A heavily slurred voice came from behind Sam.

Sam's grip loosened but he kept his arms around Cas as he turned his head around to face Castiel's drunk mother. "Mrs. Novak-" He started.

"Don't Mrs. Novak me. Get the fuck out." She rolled over and closed her eyes again. "And take that piece of shit with you."

Castiel's heart broke at the look on Sam's face. He had told Sam about his mother, he had warned him that his mother was probably the worst person he would ever meet. But he could see from the look on his face, that Sam wasn't prepared for the true extent of it.

Sam looked back down at Castiel, utterly speechless. Cas managed a half-assed shrug and pulled his lips into a hard line. He pulled Sam's hand into his own and led them out of the room.

"When you said..." Sam said quietly as they walked back down the stairs. "I never imagined..." His voice faded as words evaded him.

"I apologize Sam. She...I wish you didn't have to meet her."

They reached the bottom of the stairs and Sam shook his head in a sad gesture. His eye brows were furrowed, concern all over his face. "No, please don't apologize babe. I-God, I don't think i could have dealt with that growing up...you're...God, you're truly amazing." Sam pulled him closer and placed a kiss on Cas' forehead.

"So this is Sam." Gabriel's voice came from behind them. Castiel kept his hand in Sam's but turned to face his brother.

"Yes. Gabriel- this is Sam Winchester. Sam this is my brother Gabriel." Castiel gestured, his voice tired and deflated.

"Sam reached out his other hand and took Gabriel's handshake. "It's nice to meet you Gabriel."

"Call me Gabe- the only people who call me Gabriel are Cas and Anna." He rolled his eyes. "Not that i don't appreciate the formality of it. Makes me feel all fancy whenever they're around."

Sam gave a half-hearted chuckle and looked down at Cas who was smiling softly at his brother. "I'm glad you came Gabriel."

"He wouldn't have missed this, despite what he tries to project." Anna's voice came from beside them.

With both of his siblings in the same room, Castiel remembered he had information he needed to share with them.

"Lucy called me." He blurted out, not having the energy to segue the bombshell.

Anna's eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open but she remained silent.

"What the fuck?" Gabriel whispered. "Castiel- you better not be fucking with me."

Gabriel's reaction didn't bother Cas though and he kept his tone even. "I am not making it up. Lucy called me this summer."

"This SUMMER?"Gabriel yelled and Castiel felt Sam flinch in his hand.

"Yes."

"Castiel," Anna's voice was purposefully soft. "Why would you wait so long to tell us."

Castiel shrugged. "It was only once, and its not like i know where she is. She said she was in Denver, but i'm fairly certain that isn't much to go on."

Gabriel's face was red and his hands were on his hips as Anna approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Sam could see the tension ease off of him at his sisters touch. Gabriel let out a loud breath. "Well...did the wayward daughter say anything else?"

"She misses you both." Castiel lied carefully, it was implied during the phone call that Lucy did in fact miss them as well, even if she didn't say so. "And we have a niece. Her name is Claire."

Anna gasped audibly and brought her hand to her mouth. "She had a baby?"

"Yes. Although the girl is six now." Castiel answered. He wiped his hand over his eyes, the day had been extremely emotionally draining so far and this exchange was only adding more stress. "I asked her to come home."

Gabriel just stared at his little brother in shock. They could hear an argument brewing in the other room, and Castiel was sure he heard someone say something about their grandfather's will. It wouldn't surprise him if they started a cock fight in the living room right then if it meant they could get some of his grandfather's money. Castiel was fairly certain that any money would go to his grandmother though, and couldn't imagine why Simon would want to give his asshat cousins a dime.

Gabriel continued to stare hard at Castiel for another moment before shifting his gaze to Sam who kept his face calm, a cautious smile hinting at his lips. "I'm glad he has someone." Gabriel finally said before turning away and leaving the house. Anna ran after him and Castiel could hear her begging Gabriel to stay.

"Why is he so upset?" Sam asked quietly. "I mean i know with your grandfather and now Lucy...things aren't easy but his reaction seems a little strange."

Castiel stared out the storm glass window Gabriel had just exited. He could see Anna pleading with him in the driveway. "Gabriel and Lucy were very close. I think perhaps he feels jilted that she called me instead of him."

"Hmm." Sam nodded carefully. "But she only got your number because i put it on your facebook profile."

"Yeah- thanks for that by the way." Castiel rolled his eyes and turned to face his boyfriend.

Sam ignored the slight. "Maybe she didn't have his number."

"that's definitely possible." Castiel shrugged. "Gabriel just...he has a hard time processing emotions."

Sam let out a laugh. "I guess that's just the Novak family way ."

 _January 13th 2010_

 _I haven't heard from Gabriel since grandfather's funeral. I called his roommate and he told me he went out of town. Anna doesn't know where he is either, she sounded worried over the phone. He is probably on a beach somewhere, drinking away his problems. Another Novack family trademark._

 _Sam stayed through Christmas. I begged him to leave and take me with him, but he insisted that we stay. I only wanted to crawl inside of myself and die twice, so i'd say the experience wasn't as bad as i anticipated. My mother mostly stayed too high or drunk to say much, except for the occasional insult and thrown objects._

 _My grandmother was oddly calm through the whole thing, i suspect she may have gotten into some of my mother's stolen Xanax. I suppose that's okay. If my husband died i would take it a lot worse._

 _Balthezaur and Sam hit it off, playing chess for a few hours one night. Balthezaur gave me a wink so i think that means he likes him. Or maybe he plans to steal him away. I'm never really sure with him._

 _I'm disappointed that we did not see Sam's family this Christmas, but i think he was probably right. I needed to stay with my own family. Despite the fights between my cousins, and harsh glares from most of my aunts and uncles- we are a family._

 _Of course, id rather trade my family for Sam's, but i've learned by now that you cant change where you come from- just where you're going. I'll never forget grandpa's advice about making good choices, that life is just a series of choices. There are good ones and bad ones and some that are neither. I can be the man i want to be, I can be the partner Sam deserves, as long as i make the choices I can be proud of. The choices Grandpa would be proud of._

 _I do know for sure though, that without grandpa- and my grandmother's seeming descent into drug use- I am certainly never going to another Novak family Christmas._

There were times over that Christmas that Cas' mind would wander to what Sam's family would be doing at that time. He thought about Ellen basting the Ham, and Bobby yelling at her from his recliner. He thought about Jo screaming obscenities at the football game and Kevin ignoring Charlie's requests to play Defenders of the Realm. Castiel only let himself think of Dean for seconds at a time, never settling on his image for too long. He would force his eyes shut, an alarm bell ringing in his head to stop. There were times Dean's perfectly dusted freckles would float across his mind and Castiel would noticeably shake the image away. He wasn't going to let Dean get inside, he wasn't going to go down that road.

Sam has proven over and over again why he is the man Castiel loved. He couldn't disrespect him or their relationship by thinking of Dean in any way other than his potential brother-in-law. His moment of weakness while he was jerking off would not be repeated. Castiel was determined not to let Dean get to him, but no matter what he did, he kept having to shake the beautiful green eyes out of his mind.


	7. The Wall

_January 21st 2010_

 _A river runs through me_

 _Cutting me down the middle_

 _Pulling me apart and pushing me to the edges_

 _The earth is relentless_

 _Its assault grinding me against rocks_

 _Its magnetism never relenting,_

 _I am held captive in its banks._

Castiel's final semester of college was not without its difficulties. His grades were surprisingly good, despite the amount of time he spent writing drunkenly on his kitchen floor. He found the space between where the two sets of cabinets meet the wall to be the perfect place for him to write. It was like the walls were hugging him, and he was regretful that he hadn't found this spot until he was almost ready to move out.

Meg and Castiel never discussed the night he broke her nose after she felt him up without his permission, and she moved out a week after he got back from Christmas vacation. She didn't tell him she was moving though and Castiel found a good portion of their apartment missing when he stepped out of his room one morning. Thankfully, Amelia had been wanting to move out of her over crowded apartment for some time, and Castiel had another person to share the rent with by the first of February.

 _February 17th 2010_

 _Living with Amelia is so much easier than living with Meg. Except that she makes me get up before her classes to run with her, claiming its for my own good. She is probably right, but i am usually coddling a pretty decently sized hangover most mornings. She says hopefully the routine will help me cut down on my drinking. So far, her plan has worked...although i have not been writing as well either._

 _I think i should probably start thinking about alternative methods of getting into my writing zone. I suspect I am on the verge of developing a dependency...and i don't think that would be wise. I usually like to play Muse really loudly and drink until the combination lulls me into an idea, and i've had good results from that method. Without the alcohol i worry my mind will be too focused and unable to create anything at all._

 _I thought it would be weird to live with someone i have had sex with. It isn't though. Amelia seems content with our state of friendship, and she asks how Sam is doing often. Sam wasn't excited about the idea at first, but eventually agreed it made sense. He doesn't want me to be lonely, and i think he remembers the reasons i told him Amelia and I didn't work out._

 _I am very anxious to get to DC. Living without Sam has been incredibly tiresome. Having Amelia here helps, but i find myself not only counting down the days but sometimes the hours until i am with Sam again. He makes me feel more stable, more in control of my life. I think that is a very good thing._

The last days of Castiel's senior year of college were spent finalizing his move to DC and packing up his apartment with Amelia. They had transitioned their runs to the evening so that Castiel didn't have to worry about his hangovers impacting them anymore. They would run, make dinner together, and occasionally watch movies if Castiel wasn't in the mood to write. It was Amelia's goal to get Castiel through most classic movies before he graduated. She would be staying an additional year to work on her Master's degree in astronomy.

Castiel considered staying and picking up an advanced degree, but ultimately decided it didn't matter _._ Some writers didn't even go to college, so he figured he was ahead of the curve. Plus, he was anxious to get to Sam. The year had been long without him, despite seeing him over Christmas. Sam was unable to leave school during spring break because he was preparing his defense for a mock case and wanted to do a good job. Castiel understood, despite how desperate he was to see him.

One day, he found himself on facebook again, wanting to be close to Sam but being unable to call him because he was in class. He looked through his profile again, reading the words Sam had written in his profile. He went through the pictures again as well, this time going back farther and seeing more and more pictures of Sam with his family.

There were a lot of Dean. As he subconsciously moved the cursor over the contours of Dean's face, a notification popped up that showed Dean's name. Castiel clicked on it and it led him to Dean's own facebook profile. Castiel's stomach flipped in his stomach as the page loaded, his anticipation battling his guilt and winning. He felt his heart drop though when the page that loaded told him he needed to be 'friends' with Dean before he could look at his profile in depth.

Castiel let out a sigh but then let his eyes travel to Dean's profile picture. It was a candid shot of his profile. He was in the drivers seat of a car, with the sun setting out the window behind him. Dean was wearing aviators and his elbow was propped on the open window, his left hand rested on his jaw, a couple fingers brushing his bottom lip. There was a blur of what looked like a tree and brown desert out the window, making it obvious the car was in motion. The sun flare behind him made it so he was mostly in shadow, but Castiel could make out his features. His lips were pursed slightly, as if he was deep in thought. Cas wondered what he was thinking about in that moment, racing down an open road., and who took the picture. Castiel stared at the picture for a long moment before catching himself. He slammed the laptop shut suddenly, catching his own finger inside and crying out as the screen slammed into his fingernail.

 _March 19th 2010_

 _I keep thinking maybe i should ask Dean to be my 'friend' on facebook. I think if i could see it and read what he wrote about himself then maybe i would find a reason not to think about him so much. Maybe his favorite band is Imagine Dragons. That would be enough to turn me off i think._

 _Sam once told me Dean joked around about being a famous musician growing up, and that he still played guitar occasionally. I think if i saw that, it would definitely make it harder to get him out of my head. I doubt he has time to play though, he works at a car shop during the day and bartends a few times a week as well. That doesn't lend much time to playing guitar._

 _I wonder if he sings too._

Castiel rented a moving van to get all of his things to DC. He stopped off at his home first to drop off his bed, since Sam already had one. He could hear his mother snoring in her bedroom the moment he entered his childhood home and wondered what she was on that day. If she was snoring it usually meant some combination of alcohol and sleeping pills. He paused outside of her bedroom door for a moment, wondering if maybe he should check on her but ultimately decided against it.

If she was going to die, then she was going to die.

There wasn't much Castiel could do about it at this point. He still stood there though, leaning against her bedroom door and listening to the sound of her sleep. Four years of college and a lot of time apart didn't numb him to the awfulness he went through as a child, but he still mourned in that moment. He mourned for the life he wished he had lived, he mourned for the mother he never had. It hit him then that this would probably be the last time he came to this house and he wasn't sure what to make of that. There was no reason for Castiel to come back, there was nothing here he ever wanted to see again.

He pushed himself off of his mother's bedroom door, putting his hand up to it momentarily before letting it drop to his side in sad defeat. He went back to his bedroom then and collected a few things he had left behind when he went to college but knew he would want to keep with him. His old journals, pictures of his siblings, an old model car he had spent days building and then painted to perfection. He had brought most of his books to college with him and were conveniently packed away in the moving van already. He scanned the room one more time, taking in the memories that flooded his brain and pushing away the ones that hurt the most.

Castiel let out a sigh as he left his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

 _May 29th 2010_

 _I don't think I've ever been so happy._

 _The move in went great. I kissed Sam for about an hour outside when he met me at the door. His roommate was nice enough to give us the apartment for a few days, i think that was probably wise considering we didn't make it through the kitchen before our pants were off._

 _The lease his current roommate has ends in June so we will be on our own starting then. I cant believe this is happening. We are living together. Sam hasn't stopped smiling since i got here, i cant believe i can make anyone that happy._

 _We are meeting Dean and Charlie tonight for dinner and drinks. I would be lying if i said i wasn't looking forward to spending more time with Sam's brother. I think forming a friendship with him will help set the parameters of our relationship._

 _You don't think about your friends when you jerk off._

Castiel let his head fall back against the shower's ceramic tiles. The steam from the hot water rose up around him, coating his face and dripping off of his eyelashes. His eyes were closed, his mouth hung open slightly, and his hands were carding through his boyfriends hair as Sam licked his way up and down Cas' shaft.

Sam teased his tip with a few flicks of his tongue before swallowing him down, swiping his tongue back and forth.

"Mm..God...I-I missed this." Castiel groaned out as Sam continued to suck him off. He could feel himself begin to get close, his body trembling and his legs getting weak.

"I-i'm close." He warned, bucking his hips slightly into Sam's mouth. Sam hummed around Castiel's cock in acknowledgement and it sent Castiel over the edge. He pulled on Sam's hair to let him know he was about to go and let out a moan that echoed through the bathroom. Sam pulled his mouth off of his cock and stroked him to completion, his seed crossing the shower's water stream and flowing down the drain.

Sam stood up so that Castiel could lean against him, his body still recovering from the force of his orgasm. "That was..." Castiel huffed against his lovers shoulder. "That was fucking fantastic."

Sam laughed. "You're just saying that because its the first blow job you've had in months."

"Could be...but i'm fairly certain there was skill involved as well." Castiel countered, his head coming up to look at Sam.

"We should probably finish up, we need to meet Dean and Charlie in an hour." Sam whispered against Cas' lips.

"Mmhmm." Castiel murmured. He pulled Sam into a deep kiss.

"Of course, if we're a few minutes late i don't think they'd blame us." Sam kissed Castiel back, pushing his hips into him and pressing Cas against the wall of the shower.

Castiel nodded as he slid his tongue across Sam's, wrapping his arms around his waist and gripping his ass tightly. "Bedroom." He managed to get out between kisses, his voice deep and commanding.

Sam immediately turned around and turned off the shower. He pulled Castiel with him out of the bathroom and into their bedroom.

Castiel pushed Sam onto their bed and climbed on top of him. Their bodies were still wet from the shower and slid together easily, their hips bucking into one another, the friction not quite enough. Castiel bent down and began biting and sucking at Sam's neck, lapping his tongue around his collar bone.

"Fuck babe, just- God." Sam squirmed beneath him and pushed his hips up. "Just fuck me already." He grunted out, needing more.

Castiel grinned against his boyfriends mouth. "I think we may have just enough time for that."

Castiel and Sam walked into the restaurant only ten minutes late. It was a narrow place, with booths along the walls and tables in the middle. The lighting was dim and somewhat tinted in blues and yellows. The music was soft and acoustic and Cas figured this would be a good place to take Sam when it was just the two of them.

The hostess showed them to the table where Dean and Charlie were already sipping beers from mugs and laughing. Dean was wearing a grey henley that clung to his chest and showed off his impeccable physique. He was clean shaven as opposed to the stubble he had over christmas, a fact Castiel noticed immediately. When Dean laughed he put his entire body into it, his chest coming close to the table as he doubled over. Castiel couldn't help but grin at the sight.

"Sorry we're late." Sam announced as they reached the booth the hostess led them to. "Traffic."

"Oh don't lie," Charlie's voice came from the other side of the booth. "You two were bumping uglies. Weren't ya?" She smiled widely as Sam blushed. Castiel let out a laugh and shook his head.

"You know us too well." He managed to get out before sliding in to sit next to her. Charlie was wearing a bright red jacket over a Skyrim t-shirt. She sat casually in the booth, her leg propped up and her elbow resting on her knee.

Sam shot Castiel a look before sitting down next to his brother. "What he means to say is- Charlie shut up and mind your own business."

"I'm pretty sure Cas can speak for himself Sammy." Dean piped in, and Castiel felt a shiver go down his spine at the sound. He had seen Dean once already since he moved to DC, but it was just for a few minutes. He had come by to pick up a movie from Sam and left almost as soon as the movie was in his hands. He seemed anxious about something, and when Castiel asked Sam about it he shrugged.

"Dean is...Dean is complicated." He sat down in their understuffed couch. " He isn't really a sharer. But it eventually comes out, despite his best efforts."

"That's odd. I would assume because you are so close, that he would tell you things."

"He does. But its usually in a way that most people wouldn't understand." Sam shook his head and Castiel came to sit next to him. "For example- Dean had a huge fight with Bobby a couple weeks ago about something to do with the car shop he works at. But instead of telling me he had a fight with Bobby, Dean just drank himself stupid and then brooded in the corner for an hour before passing out. When i asked him what was wrong the next morning, he asked me if i needed a tampon."

"So how did you find out about the fight?"

"Well- that's the next step in Dean psychology. He pushes me away, usually by insulting me somehow, and then a couple days later he will blow up about something miniscule. Like with this- he flipped out over getting curly fries instead of onion rings at lunch the next day, something Dean would never do. He will rant about whatever it is until suddenly the rant transforms, not so subtly, into what he is really upset about. His rant over lunch turned into the psychological ramifications of onion rings always having to do what the french fry wants."

Castiel couldn't help the smile that formed on his face. "He yelled at a waitress about the insecurities of onion rings?"

"Yep. For about five minutes until i could get him to shut up." Sam sighed. "Then, after he has yelled himself out- then Dean will come clean in his own way. In this instance it was-" Sam straightened up and lowered his voice to imitate his brother. " 'Shut up Sam- I don't need you telling me how to order food and i don't need bobby telling me how to live my life."

Castiel nodded in understanding. "So the onion rings...were really about Bobby..."

"Yep." Sam smiled. "You spend enough time with him, you'll learn to speak emotionally stunted Dean."

Castiel felt his stomach flip at the thought of getting close to Dean. He kept his voice even though when he replied sarcastically. "Something to look forward to then."

Sam laughed, his arm coming up to drape over the top of the couch as his eyes searched the room for the television remote.

"What was the fight about?" Castiel asked, suddenly feeling like there was no answer he wanted to more.

"Huh? Oh, um Bobby got pissed because Dean wanted to take fewer shifts at the shop. Bobby thinks Dean is giving up a good opportunity because the guy that owns the shop Dean works at is going to retire sometime soon, and its likely Dean would be named the manager."

Castiel thought about that for a moment. "And Dean doesn't want to be manager?"

"I don't think Dean knows what he wants." Sam finally said after a long pause. "I think he got used to having to take care of me for so long, he doesn't know what to do with his life now. I mean, he's been working at the shop since he was fifteen. A lot changes in ten years."

"Yes." Castiel agreed. "Does he enjoy working at the bunker?"

"Definitely." Sam laughed. "I swear, he like gets off on it. He loves talking to people, as long as it doesn't get personal of course." Sam clarified. "He started working there the day he turned twenty-one."

"So he works at the shop and at the bar...and now he doesn't want to work at the shop as much anymore." Castiel said it as a statement, as if he was recapping the information for himself for later contemplation.

"Seems so." Sam said. "I think- I don't know, i think its possible the mechanic thing was all about our dad. Maybe that's not really what Dean wants, and Bobby is seeing it as him flaking." Sam shrugged.

Castiel thought about that for a moment.

"Well i think whatever Dean wants to do, he should just go for it." He finally said, his voice quiet.

"Me too." Sam said with a smile.

The four of them sat around the booth of the restaurant in Arlington and caught up as they ate their dinners. Castiel had prepped himself not to look at Dean too often, or for too long but his restraint was unnecessary. Besides when they greeted each other with a handshake, Dean's eyes never landed on Castiel for longer than a second. It was almost as if looking at him was painful and Dean couldn't look away fast enough.

It was something Castiel noticed after about ten minutes and he began to fret about the situation. He watched as Dean would talk to his brother and then when Castiel began to speak his green eyes would naturally shift to Cas' and settle for the slightest moment before darting away quickly. When Dean started purposely staring down at his food whenever Castiel spoke, Cas began to sweat.

"So Cas, what are you going to do here in DC?" Charlie asked between bites of her black bean burger.

"I'm not sure yet." He answered, trying to sound as unaffected as possible by the way Dean was looking everywhere but him. "I plan to spend most of my time writing, but i'll have to get some sort of job to pay bills." Castiel took a chance and glanced at Dean as he finished. He found him staring at knot in the wood of the table. His eyes looked like they were actually vibrating. Cas suppressed the sigh he felt collect in his shoulders and went back to picking at the steak salad he had ordered.

"There's a few libraries you could look into." Sam proposed.

Charlie gasped then and looked to Dean who had begun hungrily taking down a cheeseburger again and chasing it with half of his beer.

With his mouth full, Dean took in Charlie's expression and excited gaze.

"Wha?"

"He could work at The Bunker!" Charlie was nearly bouncing out of her seat.

Dean choked on his cheeseburger. He shook his head as he coughed up the piece of burger that had lodged in his throat. Sam slapped him on the back. "You alright?"

Dean's eyes flashed to Castiel and stayed there longer than they had all night. They were wide for a split second and Castiel thought he saw fear in them. He then looked back down to his beer and took two large gulps. Castiel watched him, he felt his skin begin to crawl in confusion at the look Dean had given him.

"It'll be perfect! Dean can train you and then we can all hang out more often!" Charlie said with such enthusiasm Castiel couldn't help but turn his anxious expression into a shy smile.

"Uh- Charlie," Dean interrupted. "I'm sure Cas has better offers than to work in some grungy bar." His eyes were fixed on Charlie, and he was stock still except for the subconscious flutter of his lashes when he said Cas' name.

"Grungy bar? Dean! How dare you?" Charlie placed her hand over her heart. "that's your baby!" She pretended to be hurt.

Dean rolled his eyes as Charlie's dramatic moment. "I only meant that he probably has better opportunities...you know with the degree and everything." He looked flustered then, his hand finding his neck in the way Castiel had come to recognize as a sign of Dean's embarrassment.

"Oh come on- its perfect Cas!" Charlie turned to face him. "You would have a flexible schedule so you could write whenever you want basically, and you would be around people who make excellent case studies for whatever you're writing." Charlie put her hands together in a pleading gesture. "Please Cas! It'll be so much fun! And Ash just quit so there's an opening! It's absolutely perfect!"

Despite Castiel's uneasiness at Dean's reaction, he couldn't help the wide grin that formed over his face at Charlie's enthusiasm. He had never had anyone besides Sam want to be around him that much. It made him feel accepted and he wanted to ride that feeling. He pointedly avoided Dean's gaze as he threw up his hands in mock defeat.

"I guess i have no choice then." He gave her a wide gummy smile and Charlie threw her arms around him.

"Yes! We are going to have so much fun!" Castiel awkwardly let his arms fall around Charlie for a moment before she pulled back and looked at Dean who was staring at their exchange, his eyes darting between them quickly. His mouth was set into a slight frown and his lips were pressed together firmly.

"Dean! Aren't you so excited?" Charlie pressed, her eyebrows raising in encouragement.

Castiel looked at Sam first, hoping to find comfort there before taking his eyes to Dean. Sam was smiling widely and staring back at him. When Castiel shrugged and cocked his head to the side as a silent, 'What do you think?' Sam nodded and put his hand on Castiel's from across the table. Castiel smiled at him and then summoned the courage to look over to Dean who had yet to speak.

Dean was staring at him. His eyes were still hard and his mouth was still turned down just enough to let make Castiel's heart drop. Cas let his eyes fall back to the table for a moment, unable to hide his disappointment. With that, something in Dean shifted. Whatever weight he was straining against lifted, and his face softened.

"Yeah, it'll be great." Castiel's eyes shot back up at the sincerely of Dean's tone. Their eyes locked and Cas saw the difference in Dean's expression immediately. Not only were his features softer, but he was smiling. It wasn't a forced smile, or polite. It was the easy smile that Castiel was growing so fond of. It was the smile that made Dean's eyes shine and Castiel's heart flutter.

"Thank you Dean." Castiel managed to get out, still holding Dean's gaze

"Yeah- thanks Dean. This will be awesome for Cas." Sam joined in, his sweet and eager smile bringing Castiel out of his weak moment of indulgence. He looked over to his boyfriend and gave him a wide grin.

After dinner the four of them walked to a bar nearby to drink some more and in Dean's case, makeout with a few random girls he met on the way to the bathroom. Charlie ducked out fairly early in the evening, her arm draped over a short brunette in pigtails and a short skirt. She winked at Cas and Sam as she left the bar.

"I guess that just leaves us and the man slut over there." Sam motioned to Dean as he drained the last of his beer.

Castiel followed Sam's gaze to his older brother and felt a pang of something he didn't want to name as his eyes landed on Dean and the girl who he was currently sucking face with. Dean had resumed his resolve to ignore Castiel once they left the restaurant, although the drunker he got the longer he dared to look Cas' way.

After a few drinks and before his first tonsil hockey partner, Dean began to loosen up. He even started talking to Castiel, asking him questions about the novel he was working on and if he liked living in DC so far. At one point, when Sam was grabbing another round at the bar, Castiel had made a smartass remark about Sam's cooking. Dean laughed so hard he spit out some of his beer which sprayed across Castiel's shirt and neck.

"Oh dude!" Dean laughed. "I'm so sorry." He casually lifted his hand to Cas' neck and wiped away the drops of beer that had landed there. Castiel stopped breathing when Dean's thumb glided smoothly under his jaw, the feeling overwhelming him instantly. Dean's casual laughter stopped suddenly then, and he pulled his hand back quickly.

That was the moment he excused himself to the bathroom and found a random girl to makeout with. Castiel was sure it wouldn't have taken Dean long to find a willing partner, besides his impossible good looks he was also incredibly confident as he approached women.

Castiel turned his back from the show Dean was putting on and looked up at Sam. "How about you and I do a more private version of that back home?" He gave his boyfriend a sexy smile.

Sam grinned. "I think that sounds like the best possible ending to our night."

"Let me just pay our tab then." Castiel made sure to brush his ass against Sam's groin as he walked past him.

"Tease!" Sam called after him.

Castiel handed the bartender his credit card and waited for it at the bar. Despite his better judgment, he searched through the crowd to find Dean. When he finally spotted the bleach blonde he remembered Dean had latched on to, he was startled to find green eyes staring back at him. The girl had her back to Castiel and her hands were on Dean's chest, but Dean was looking past her.

He was looking right at Castiel.

Cas wasn't sure what he should do in the few seconds he knew he had before Dean looked away. Part of him wanted to smile and wave, another part wanted to look away as quickly as possible. And then there was a piece of him, a small but incredibly powerful piece that wanted to just stare back. He could hold the gaze of those emerald green eyes and pretend it was alright. He could soak in their depths and pretend not to be drowning in them.

In his indecisiveness, Castiel found himself doing nothing just staring and watched as Dean gave him a look he didn't understand.

"Here you go." The bartender interrupted the moment, and Castiel pulled himself out of Dean's eyes.

"Thanks." Castiel signed the bill and pushed it towards the bartender. He turned away from the bar and found his eyes unconsciously making their way back to where Dean had stood. Dean's eyes were no longer looking back at him then, they were closed tight as he kissed the bleach blonde in fervor.

 _May 30th 2010_

 _Our night out with Dean and Charlie went as well as can be expected i assume. Charlie is a pleasure to be around, her enthusiasm rubbing off on everyone around her. I found it impossible not to enjoy the evening, even though Dean's behavior was pulling me in another direction entirely._

 _It was as if he was struggling with something most of the night. Sometimes he would let whatever it was go though, and he was there again. He was smiling and laughing and occasionally putting his hand on my shoulder that made me feel a multitude of things i'd rather not think about. But then I would say something, or he would feel the heat from by body beneath his hand and he would revert back to ignoring me. It was incredibly odd._

 _I have no doubt that he did not like the idea of me working with him and Charlie. Which i also find odd. I had thought we had developed a nice rapport so far, and i was fairly certain he liked me. Something is definitely going on with him and i wonder if this is one of those times where Sam will have to hear about curly fries again before i truly know what's on his mind._

 _My instinct was to decline Charlie's proposal to work at the Bunker. With my strange fascination with Dean, i don't know if it would be a good idea to be so close to him all the time. But in the end, i couldn't deny Charlie's hopeful smile or let go of the opportunity to make friends with Dean. I think that will be the key to releasing myself of whatever this is that i'm feeling for him._


	8. Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

_June 11th 2010_

 _I start my first day at the bar today. To say i'm nervous would be an extreme understatement._

 _Charlie told me to wear something comfortable but sexy enough to earn good tips. Sam insisted that described my usual wardrobe, so at least i didn't have to buy any clothes._

 _I hope i learn quickly, i'd hate to disappoint Charlie or Dean. I also hope that the Dean i see today is the one who smiles at me and lets himself look at me longer than a few seconds. Even though it unnerved me a great deal at the beginning, now that he looks away just as often as he stares- i miss being able to hold his eyes with my own. I know i shouldn't, but i feel...powerful? Ignited...its just something i've never felt before. And its all in his stare._

 _I do need to remember to be careful though. Looking at him is only okay as long as i don't let myself think too much about what any of this means. I love Sam so much...i cant imagine putting myself in a position that could hurt him._

 _I wish i could talk to my grandfather. I miss him._

 _"_ You're here!" Charlie jumped up and down from behind the bar and raced around to meet Castiel at the door. "You are seriously so lucky you are starting tonight because the regulars are celebrating Marvin's 25th year sober tonight and they will start strolling in any minute." Charlie spoke quickly as she ushered Castiel behind the bar.

"Uh- why are people celebrating someone's sobriety with alcohol?" Castiel asked as he tried to adjust to his surroundings.

"Because they're damn fools." A gruff voice answered from the end of the bar.

"You're not wrong Marvin, you're not wrong." Charlie replied with a smirk. She turned back to face Castiel and pulled him along with her to stand in front of the old man who had spoken. He had a white beard and scraggily white hair that poked out of the ends of a ratted baseball cap. He was wearing a plaid short sleeve button down that was a couple sizes too big and a scowl on his face. "Marvin, this is Castiel. This is his first day, so please be nice to him."

"First day huh? Well as long as my O'Douls is sitting here by the time i'm settled in my seat, you'll do fine by me." His voice was scratchy and well-used and Castiel thought maybe it was the result of a pack a day habit.

"Go easy on him old man, aint nobody gunna forget your beer." A deep, familiar voice came from behind Castiel, and he felt a shiver run through him.

"Oh good, you're here." Charlie said as she looked past Castiel to Dean. She picked up a large plastic container that looked like it used to hold pretzels but was now filled with cash. "I've got tips to count and a hot date to get to." She winked at Castiel as she moved around him and disappeared through a door off of the bar.

Castiel stared after her for a moment, panic setting in as he realized he and Dean would be alone behind the bar for the rest of the evening. He delayed meeting Dean's gaze for as long as possible, terrified of which Dean would be training him tonight. His palms began to sweat at the possibility of Dean avoiding his gaze all evening and training him from ten feet away.

"Don't worry about Marvin, Cas. " Dean teased as he walked closer, pulling an apron from the wall and wrapping it around his waist.

Castiel's tension floated away immediately at the casual smile Dean wore. He pulled a second one down and handed it to Castiel. "He talks a big game but the man's a giant stuffed animal." He said it loud enough for Marvin to hear and Castiel heard him scoffing behind him.

Castiel tied the apron around his waist. He found that it had three pockets in the front, where he found a pad of paper, some pens, and some loose change. "Does this belong to someone?" Castiel asked.

"Not really, we all just pick one and go." Dean answered as he moved past Castiel towards the end of the bar. His hips brushed against Castiel's as he moved and Cas immediately began to rethink his decision to work there.

Dean squatted below the bar at the far end and opened up a small refrigerator that held bottled beer. He pulled an O'Douls out, got up and placed it in front of Marvin, popping the top from a bottle opener on the bar as he went.

It was only late afternoon, so Marvin was the only one at the bar so far. Castiel heard Dean exchange some banter with the old man before turning back to face Castiel.

"Alright," Dean clapped his hands then rubbed them together, "Lets go through where everything is before people start showing up." He walked back towards the other end of the bar, his shoulder brushing Castiel's chest as he passed. "So down here, we have the fridge with all the mixers we keep cold." Dean opened a reach in, sliding door fridge and pointed at different bottles. "Orange Juice, Cranberry, Pineapple- Each is color coded."

He slid the fridge closed and pointed to a row of blenders beside it. "If they want a daiquiri and you cant convince them otherwise- here's the blenders. You got to clean them right after you use em' or it'll start to smell weird over here."

He pointed below the blenders to a machine on the floor. "That's the margarita machine that works randomly and then the rest of the time it just shoots out sugared water. Use the blender if they insist on a frozen margarita." He rolled his eyes dramatically, letting his annoyance at all things frozen shine without restraint.

"Are there recipes for these things?" Castiel asked anxiously as Dean kept moving along the bar.

"Pump the brakes Cas." Dean smirked. "We'll get there buddy."

"Now, over here you have your liquors. The row closest to the bottom is the cheapest- if someone says they want the 'well' or 'house' liquor- they want this crap." He pointed to a shelf along the wall behind the bar. It had five rows of alcohol, expanding about four feet. "As you go up the rows, the liquor gets more expensive. We try to group them by type, but sometimes when we're slammed they end up everywhere so read the labels." Dean said firmly, pointing at Castiel as if he were a child getting a school lesson.

Castiel nodded. "Reading. I think i can handle that." His tone was dry and Dean's mouth twitched.

"You're a bit of a smart ass you know that?" Dean said smoothly, his lips still threatening the smile in his eyes.

"So I'm told." Castiel answered back, his eyebrows raising slightly as he let a sly smirk find his lips.

Dean just stared at him for a moment, making Castiel's nerves return. "That's good." Dean finally said. "Customers like personality."

"And what kind of personality do you have behind the bar Dean?" Castiel asked boldly, his curiosity trumping any apprehension.

"Me?" Dean asked, pointing to himself innocently. "Oh well- i guess that depends on who you ask."

"He's the adorable ass who flirts his ass off but plays hard to get." Charlie answered from behind them. Castiel turned to face her.

"That's incredibly specific." Castiel said, his smile widening and his eyes landing on Dean once more. " And I cant quite imagine Dean playing hard to get."

Dean scoffed next to him and shoved his shoulder slightly in defense. "Hey! You calling me a slut?"

"Oh he only plays hard to get when he is behind the bar, when he isn't working the man is a regular-" Charlie started.

"Okay, okay don't you have a date or something Charlie?" Dean interrupted, his hands on his hips now and betrayal in his eyes.

"Yep." She gave them both a big smile as she took off her apron and hung it on the wall. "Day tips sucked. Good luck tonight Cas!" She gave them both a wave. "Later bitches."

Dean and Castiel watched as Charlie excited the bar, passing a group of men and high five-ing them as she left.

"Here comes trouble!" Dean shouted at the arrivals, a wide smile on his face. Castiel pulled himself away from Dean's happy face to take in the men who were sauntering towards Marvin and patting him on the back.

"Congrats Marvin! You're a better man than all of us!" A thin man in his early forties yelled as he kissed the top of Marvin's head.

"Can it Gary." Marvin said coldly but Castiel could see him smiling behind his beer.

"Dean! Get us a round of shots to start us out." Another man said. He was heavier set, his head shaved and his cheeks rosy. He took the seat next to Gary who had sat on the bar stool next to Marvin.

"Anything in particular Chris?" Dean asked as he walked towards the middle of the bar and turned to face the rows of liquor.

"Make it a shooter- its early Chris and I got the kids tomorrow morning." A third man said as he took a seat on the opposite side of Marvin.

"Alright Steve, you want a pussy shot then?" Dean deadpanned.

The men laughed, including Steve who nodded. "Basically fit as much estrogen as you can into a shot glass- then i'll be happy."

"You got it buddy." Dean said with a serious expression. He was smiling when he turned back around to face the liquor.

"C'mere Cas." Dean said in a lower volume.

Castiel nearly jumped at the request but steadied himself and moved closer to Dean.

"You think you can pour some drafts?" Dean asked, pulling a few bottles of liquor into his hands and placing them on the bar.

"Yes." Castiel replied confidently.

"Alright. Gary there wants a Budweiser. Steve will have a Miller Lite, and Chris wants an Amberbock. Got it?" Castiel watched as Dean poured a generous amount of a pink liquor into a cocktail shaker followed by vodka.

"Okay." Castiel nodded.

"The taps over there and the glasses are on the wall next to it. They all want 22oz- that's the biggest one we've got." Dean brushed past him to head for the reach in fridge and pulled out a bottle of juice to add to the cocktail mixer.

"Be careful about giving too much head." Dean nearly spilled the juice over his hands as his own words frazzled him. "I mean- the foam- be careful not to give them too much foam. A finger tip is what you should aim for." He kept his eyes on the cocktail shaker as he moved back to grab the top and secure it.

Castiel nodded again and turned towards the glasses and beer tap at the other end of the bar where the men were sitting.

"You're new." Gary said loudly. He was pulling peanuts out of their shells and tossing them in his mouth.

"Yes." Castiel said as he grabbed three beer mugs from the wall. There was three sinks beneath the shelves of glasses with some sort of rotating brushes in two of them. It dawned on him that they would probably have to wash glasses often. "Its my first day."

"Oh yeah? How's Dean treatin' ya then?" Chris asked. "The bastard show his true colors yet?" Castiel snickered slightly as he brought the three glasses to the tap and began filling them with the beers Dean's instructed.

"I suspect he is waiting to do that until after i fuck up." Castiel said smoothly.

The men roared with laughter. Castiel could hear Dean shaking the cocktail mixer behind him and he sneaked a peek at him while he continued pouring the last beer. Dean was wearing Castiel's favorite easy smile that made the skin around his eyes crinkle and the green in his irises shine. He was looking at Castiel with amused affection and when Castiel began to feel liquid flowing over his hands he didn't register it until he heard Gary's voice shouting at him.

"Better get a straw newbie! They make you suck it up if you overspill!" Castiel realized what had happened and jerked back to turn off the tap.

"Shit." He cursed as he gathered the three mugs in his hands and delivered them to their recipients. "At least there's no head." Castiel reasoned.

"Bright side of life- I like that." Steve smiled. "What's your name?"

"Castiel."

"What kind of crack was your mama smoking?" Marvin spat out muttering his name again under his breath.

Cas could see Dean stiffen as he came beside him to hand out the shots he had made. Castiel assumed it was because Sam had told him of his mother and worried the comment would affect him.

Castiel, however just smiled. "Probably whatever your father was selling."

Dean burst into laughter beside him and was joined by the three other men. Marvin just stared at the wall of beer glasses, slowly taking another sip of his non-alcoholic beer.

"I think this one will do just fine Dean." Chris said as he grimaced through the sweet shot he tossed back.

Castiel and Dean's eyes met then, each of them wearing a half smile. Dean placed his hand on Cas' shoulder and when he spoke his tone said more than his words.

"I think you're probably right."

The evening went rather smoothly for a first night on the job. The bar filled up a good bit for a Thursday night, but Castiel guessed that the live music had something to do with that. There was a small stage set up towards the back of The Bunker with long black curtains nailed to the wall behind it. The band that was playing was a nineties cover band and the patrons were eating it up.

Castiel didn't make many mistakes, and asked Dean for help whenever he didn't know how to make something. Dean showed him a book of recipes for when he had the time to study them but continued to show him how to make certain drinks throughout the night. Castiel had a very good memory and only needed to be shown how to make something once.

"You're surprisingly good at this." Dean teased in his gruff voice. He was pouring a draft while Castiel was bent over the sinks, washing mugs.

"Gee, thanks Dean." Castiel replied, his eyes rolling but a playful smirk landed on his lips. "I'm glad i have met your lowered expectations."

Dean huffed. "I just mean, bartending isn't as easy as people think and you...you're picking it up fast man." He finished filling the mugs and scooted past Castiel as he went to deliver them. Castiel could feel him brush against his ass as he passed and waterfall of butterflies shot through him. He closed his eyes to regroup, before straightening up and placing the mugs on the shelf.

"Who you kiddin' Dean? A fuckin gerbil could do yur job." Gary's voice yelled over the band's guitar. His words were slurred and Castiel wondered what the policy was on cutting people off.

Dean was laughing though and walked to stand in front of Gary, so close his arms were almost touching Castiel's. "Well then why don't you take the one you keep in your ass out, and let it give us a hand."

Castiel burst into laughter and patted Dean on the back. "Id like to request that the Gerbil be bathed first though."

Dean caught Castiel's gaze and was positively beaming at him when he nodded. "Bleach. Lots of bleach." They held each other's eyes for a much longer moment than necessary.

"Now don't go killin the poor thing." Steve cut in. "You cant wash an animal in fucking bleach!"

"Noted." Castiel replied as he walked over to him and pulled Steve's empty beer mug from him. "Another?"

"Nah- Wife'll be pissed as it is." Steve pulled out his wallet. "Come on boys. Let these fine gents get some new blood on these stools." He smiled warmly at Castiel. "There's some fine looking women here tonight."

Castiel smiled back and pretended to look around at the crowd. "Really?"

Dean came up behind him. "Hey hey, you're not supposed to be looking at anyone." His voice was teasing and he was grinning.

"Hey there are no rules against looking." Chris butted in, throwing his wallet onto the bar.

"There is when you're dating my brother." Dean countered, pointing at Castiel.

Castiel blushed slightly at the authoritative voice Dean used.

"You datin Sam?" Steve asked, handing his credit card to Castiel to be swiped.

"Yep." Castiel answered before turning to walk over to the register that was against the wall, by the row of liquors. "Don't ask me how, because i couldn't tell you."

The men laughed.

"I thought maybe you and Dean here-" Gary began, a teasing smile on his face.

"Woah, woah." Dean interrupted as Castiel turned to back to give Steve his credit card, careful to avoid Dean's eyes. "I think its time i call you boys a cab."

"Its Arlington asswipe, there's cabs everywhere." Chris barely got out before laying his head on the bar. "Where's Marvin? He needs to celebrate..."

Castiel tried to move past the comment about him and Dean and let himself be distracted by the drunks in front of him. "Marvin left two hours ago Chris. Let Steve and Gary get you into a cab."

"Hmm?"

"Oh come on you bastard. Lets go." Steve pulled Chris to his feet and pulled a few bills from his wallet. "This should cover it, plus an extremely generous tip." Steve winked at them.

"Alright boys, go home to your wives." Dean said as he watched them stumble out of the bar. He turned to face Castiel. "We'll be closing in about an hour. How ya doin'?"

Castiel looked around at the dwindling crowd and the few other patrons sitting at the opposite end of the bar. "Good. This wasn't as daunting as I had expected. Its actually pretty fun."

Dean smiled brightly. "Its a blast. Except of course when you're moping up vomit or breaking up orgies in the bathrooms." He had leaned in closer to Castiel with his last words, as if he was telling him a secret.

Castiel snickered at the joke and didn't back away the way he knew he should have. He just stood there, staring back at Dean and smiling.

Dean pulled his gaze away and backed up after a few moments, his hand finding the back of his neck as it does, and his feet shuffling beneath him.

"I guess i should start going over the stuff we have to do before we close. How to clean stuff and cash out and everything."

Castiel's smile didn't falter despite Dean's sudden awkwardness. He had come to recognize when Dean was uncomfortable and there was a part of him that relished his ability to do that. He knew it was wrong, but his curiosity kept him from looking away.

"Sounds good." Castiel replied before turning to take an order from a short girl with smooth dark skin.

Dean watched as Castiel smiled at the girl and made her two washington apple shooters. She flirted with him, putting her hand on his arm to thank him and Castiel let his smile brighten at her touch. When she turned away his smile fell comically and he turned to face Dean.

"That part kind of sucks though." Castiel said.

"What part? Getting hit on by hot women? I thought you were into just about everything that breathes." Dean teased, a heat prickling the back of his neck.

"I wouldn't really put it that way...but sure, that's true." Castiel grimaced slightly. "The constant happy face and the groping. What's with all of the touching? Why do drunk women touch us so much?"

Dean laughed. "Its part of the experience man. I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you should expect to be hit on a lot when you are behind this bar." The flush of his neck traveled to his cheeks. He stuttered slightly, but kept going. "When people go out and get a drink they want to have a good time. And flirting with the hot piece that gets you that drink? It's just part of it."

Castiel's heart almost leapt out of his chest. Dean had called him a 'hot piece' and as much as he knew he shouldn't get excited about that, he couldn't help it.

"Listen," Dean continued. "You don't have to play into it if you don't want to- but trust me, its more fun if you do and it gets you a helluva lot more tips." He turned then to face another customer who asked for a few bottles of beer. Castiel was already moving in that direction so he bent down to grab them from the fridge and handed them to Dean. Their fingers touched as they made the hand off and both of their eyes found the floor quickly.

"I understand." Castiel said after Dean had taken the guys money and put it in the register. "I guess i'm just not really used to being so social for such an extended period of time." Castiel pushed down his urge to curl up into a ball at his sudden vulnerability.

"I can only be a clever smart ass for so long." He added more casually, carefully placing an amused smile on his lips.

Dean laughed. "I don't know man, you're a natural." He turned his body so that it was facing Castiel fully. "I think you're selling yourself short Cas." His eyes wandered over Castiel's face for a moment before darting to the space above his head.

"Hmm. Maybe so." Castiel replied. "What about you?"

"Me?" Dean's face scrunched in confusion. "What about me?" He moved passed Castiel to take a drink order from a customer.

"You seem very happy here, a natural as you say." He stepped out of the way so that Dean could grab a bottle of whiskey from the shelf and pour three shots for the man waiting.

"Yeah. It pays the bills." Dean said shortly. He took the cash the man handed him and put it in the register, placing the remaining tip in the plastic tip jar. When he turned back to look at Castiel, he found the blue eyed man squinting at him, his head tilted slightly as if he was trying to figure him out.

"What?" Dean asked, looking down at himself for a moment and then swiping a hand across his jaw in anxiety.

"You're acting like this job is just a paycheck, but i think it would be clear to anyone with decent vision that you're immensely happy to be here." Castiel said slowly, his own confusion coloring his words.

Dean looked taken back, his mouth opening slightly and his own eyes narrowing at Castiel. He stared at the man for a long moment before letting out a breath and rolling his eyes. "Yeah, of course i like it here. I hang with good people, sip the merchandise when i feel like it, and I get to listen to other peoples shit instead of dealing with my own. What's not to like?"

Castiel considered that for a moment. He wanted to ask more about Dean's problems but had a strong feeling that wouldn't be something Dean would answer truthfully. Not right now at least.

Dean began to move towards the sink, grabbing empty glasses off the bar as he went.

"And at the car shop?" Castiel's voice came from behind him and he stopped short. Dean looked over his shoulder for a moment, his eyes just grazing over Castiel before he kept walking to the sink.

"What about it?" Dean asked into the sink.

"Do you like it?" Castiel asked. A woman came up to the bar then to order a shooter and Castiel began to gather ingredients.

"I'm good at it, been doin it forever." Dean said as he dipped the glasses into the sanitizing solution and placed them on the drying towel.

"Is it rum or vodka in a pineapple upside down cake shot?" Castiel asked then, his eyes scanning the rows of liquor.

Dean sauntered over and looked at the paying customer. He lowered his voice so only Castiel could hear as he approached. "God damn sorority girls and their frilly ass shots." He looked over Castiel's shoulder and smiled at the girl waiting, throwing her a wink as well. He grabbed the vodka from the shelf and handed it to Castiel. "Bourbon too, and peach schnapps, you remember the rest?"

Castiel nodded as he gathered the ingredients and went to the bar to make the shooter. He poured the liquids together into the cocktail mixer and added ice. He closed the top and began to shake, turning to face Dean as he did.

"That's not really an answer. You can be good at something and not like it." He said smoothly.

Dean looked stumped again, like he was surprised Castiel had gone back to their earlier conversation. He shook his head. "Yeah, I guess."

"So- do you like it?" Castiel pressed after Dean showed no signs of continuing.

Dean let out a loud breath, his chest falling significantly as his eyes rolling once more. "Man you don't let stuff go do you?"

Castiel straightened up at that. He had in fact had trouble in the past with letting go of topics he was interested in, despite social cues that told him to let it go. Lately he had been doing well with it, especially with Dean but for some reason he felt like pushing him on this.

He stopped shaking the shooter and opened the top to pour the mixture into four shot glasses. He pushed them towards the girl and took her name to put it on her tab.

"I just don't see why its so difficult to admit that you don't like something." He said casually as he entered the girls drinks onto her tab into the register.

"It's not difficult- I'm not..." Dean trailed off, his hands finding the bar and leaning back against them. "Yeah okay, its not my dream job. Its no big deal...sometimes you just have to do shit you don't want to do."

Castiel narrowed his eyes at that, and saw the corner of Dean's mouth lift as his head tilted once more. "Yes. That's true. I just assumed you made enough at the bar to support yourself."

"I do." Dean huffed out, his eyes falling to the floor.

"You feel obligated to retain your position at the shop because of Bobby?"

Dean's eyes shot back up to Castiel, his eyebrows raised. "Bobby? How do-" Realization covered his face. "Sam. Sammy and his big ass mouth."

Castiel blushed. He didn't want to get Sam into any trouble, but at the same time he felt it was important to let Dean know it was okay to move on, it was okay to live a life for yourself.

"No. I mean yes." Castiel clarified. "He didn't tell me anything that I wouldn't have figured out on my own in the next five minutes though."

Dean chuckled. "Confident much Cas?"

"Not usually." Castiel answered honestly. "I am sorry if i've made you uncomfortable. I only wanted to tell you that I think there is nothing wrong with not wanting to live the life someone else has planned out for you. You have to make your own way."

Dean's instinct was to crack a joke and blow Castiel off, but he didn't. Instead, he let himself soak in Castiel's gaze. His lips eventually went up into a soft smile before shaking his head and pushing off of the bar. "I thought you were a writer, not Dr. Freud."

He pulled the bottle of whiskey down from the wall and poured two shots. He handed one to Castiel, who looked confused. "'Fifteen minutes to close' tradition Cas- take it and down it."

Castiel laughed but complied. "I don't think Dr. Freud would have agreed with my advice. He probably would have attributed your problems to some latent desire you were struggling with."

Dean was in the middle of his shot when Castiel spoke. He choked on his whiskey, coughing violently into his arm.

"Are you okay Dean?" Castiel asked him, patting him on the back. "Too strong?"

When Dean had a handle on himself he sputtered to speak "Wha- no! Too strong- pff. Just went down the wrong way." He avoided Castiel's eyes as he took the shot glass from him and went to place them in the sink.

"Last Call!" Dean shouted as he turned back around, his hands cupping around his mouth. "Last Call!"

 _June 12th 2010_

 _Last night went extremely well. I think i am going to make an excellent bartender._

 _Being with Dean wasn't as difficult as i thought it would be either. At first it was like my skin was humming. Every little move he made it was like my body wanted to move with him and i had to clench my first to keep myself in place. When he brushed against me, i felt like my whole body was on fire._

 _Gradually though, the insane magnetism became more bearable. I would get accustomed to the weight of it and i could just...be. It made it easier to talk to him and get to know him. I think my plan to befriend him may still work to keep my hormones in check, so long as i keep physical contact to a minimum._

 _It was incredibly difficult to keep my distance throughout the night though. For one, the bar isn't that wide and we would constantly be brushing up against each other. Also, even when i felt like i had adjusted to being in his presence, sometimes i would get this overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him. I curved that...most of the time. I patted him on the back a few times...and may have put my hand on his shoulder once. I should probably be more cautious about that._

 _We talked some about his situation with Bobby and the car shop. He wasn't that open at first but on the walk to our cars after we closed, he told me that after everything Bobby had done to get him that job, and all the time he spent teaching him everything he knew- Dean felt like he owed it to him. He also said his manger Rufus had been grooming him to take over the shop when he retires, and he didn't want to fuck everything up._

 _I could see how much it was torturing him. He doesn't want to disappoint the people who have been there for him, he feels like he owes them. I told him that i understood but didn't think it was wise to live your entire life for someone else. Then he gave me this look...it was...intense._

 _Fuck._

 _I just...i'm lying. I know i'm lying to myself. But there isn't anything else i can do but to be in denial about this. Nothing can change. I don't want anything to change. I try to remind myself that Dean has only openly shown insterest in women to the best of my knowlege so this could be something to help me get through this. However, the way he looks at me...no heterosexual man has ever looked at me that way._

 _I am hoping it will just stop. Eventually these feelings...they will just fade and i will be free of them. I just need to keep reminding myself that its not real. Its hormones, its...physical. I do find it completely unfair that the brother of the love of my life is so infuriatingly beautiful. It seems like a punishment of some kind, for which i am sure i deserve._

 _Maybe that's what this is. Its a punishment and a test. I don't believe in God but if there were something out there- pulling our strings and making our lives weave together in the ways they want- maybe my feelings for Dean is just a test of my character. If i can stay true to Sam, if i can be the kind of man that isn't attracted to my boyfriends brother...then maybe i can finally be good enough._

 _Maybe i can finally deserve the life i want_.


	9. Map of the Problematique

_June 16th 2010_

 _I think about you when I am alone._

 _My mind then erases as if a shield,_

 _Protection from those loved most dear._

 _August 1st, 2010_

 _I've been working four times a week at the bunker and I am going to have my first solo day shift today._

 _I am grateful that i will be alone though, working with Dean has been both amazing and torturous. He continues to be hot and cold with me, sometimes pointedly not looking my way or keeping an incredible amount of distance between us- which can be rather comical when we are behind the bar together. Other times though, he is more himself- or what i assume to be his natural state. He is casual and light-hearted. He lets himself look at me and his hand lingers on my shoulder._

 _I have watched him interact with other males, hoping to dissect his sexuality further but i am left with nothing but more questions. Overall, i find that i am the only one he looks at for such prolonged periods of time. Once or twice a week i will see him with a random woman, but there has been two occasions where i thought i saw him flirting with another man. Its so very hard to tell and i don't think i have ever given more thought to someone's sexuality. It never really mattered to me, and it shouldn't matter to me now. But still...i find myself lying awake at night, Sam's head resting on my shoulder or his arm wrapped around me, and i cant help but wonder who is in Dean's bed...and if he ever thinks of me the way i think of him._

 _Its dangerous, i know, to let myself think these things. Even if Dean were interested in men as well as women, it wouldn't change anything._

 _I love Sam. I am committed to Sam. Even if i weren't committed to Sam, leaving someone for their sibling never goes over well. I seriously doubt Dean would do that to his brother. They are well bonded, and i would never think to come between them. I don't want to, i really don't._

 _Sam...Sam is still the best thing to ever happen to me and i would never do anything to destroy that._

 _Whatever is going on with me and Dean...it will stay where it is. It will not progress and therefore will just fade away. That is the natural state of things, if it doesn't grow...it dies._

 _This will die or i will die from emotional exhaustion._

"I don't think you are the only person to experience something like this Castiel." Anna's voice was tense with worry.

"Then what do i do?" Castiel asked.

He had called his sister after he got home from work. He had stayed after his shift and drank himself stupid with the regulars until Dean forced him into a cab. Castiel let Dean help him out to the cab, putting Cas' arm around his shoulder, even though Castiel was sure he could have managed on his own. When Dean helped him into the cab he had bent down just enough that Castiel could smell his hair and the scent filled him completely. It was fresh like mint but a earthy undertone like sandalwood that made Cas feel dizzy. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he slumped into the backseat of the cab and Dean gave the cab driver his address.

When he said goodbye, Dean rested his hand on Castiel's knee, he looked amused and sad at the same time and Castiel remembered biting his tongue so he wouldn't tell Dean how beautiful he looked in that moment.

Sam was in still in class by the time he got home, and Castiel had pulled out his phone and dialed his big sister before he shut the door to their apartment. He began babbling about Sam's older brother and how annoyingly attractive he was and Anna listened patiently until he finished talking.

"I think that if you are unable to remove the attraction you feel for him, that you should try to distance yourself from Dean as much as possible." Anna said smoothly.

"I cant just quit the bar...i like it. Its fun and i get to write and i get to drink and its fun." Castiel whined.

"I understand that Castiel, but you asked for my help and i am telling you what i think is best."

"Ugh." Castiel grunted as he pulled off his shoes. "I know, i know. But its not as if i wont see him if i don't work with him. He is Sam's brother...Sam! I love Sam Anna. I love him so fucking much."

"I know you do."

"Then how can i feel this way? Who does that? Who?" Castiel yelled. "I'll tell you. Me. I do this shit. I always fucking do this shit. Just one more thing for me to fuck up." He slumped against the refrigerator and let himself fall to the floor.

"Castiel, perhaps your best course of action right now is to work on yourself." Anna said calmly. Castiel's outbursts never affected her, and that was a major reason why he felt so comfortable telling her these things. She was always there to listen, and didn't let herself get worked up by his aggressive emotions.

"Myself? Fuck myself." Castiel groaned. "This is about Sam. Sam and that fucker Dean."

"No Cas. I think it would be wise of you to look deeper at yourself right now. Perhaps with some self-reflection you can resolve this problem without making the mistakes you fear."

"Well how the fuck do i do that Anna?" He could feel his eyelids growing heavy

"Have you ever considered going to see a professional? Someone to help you sort through these emotions and perhaps help you come to terms with the many things you experienced as a child?"

"A therapist? You think i need psychological help?"

"Everyone needs a therapist at some point in their lives. Its only the strong ones that actually go." She said back confidently.

"Hmm." Castiel let his eyes flutter closed.

"Just consider it Castiel. I think it could do you a lot of good." Anna's voice rang soothingly into his ear, her words fading softly as he fell asleep. "No matter what. You'll make it through this Castiel, you're a better man than you realize."

"Babe?"

Castiel could feel hands on his cheeks and an ache in his lower back.

"Hmm?" He hummed out, his eyelids still closed.

"I guess your first shift alone went well?" He could hear Sam snickering and own lips twitched.

"Mmhm. Ima bartender extraordinaire." Castiel mumbled, throwing his arms up sloppily in celebration.

Sam laughed. "Come on, lets get you to bed."

"don't want bed. Want...nachos." Castiel was waking up slowly, his head only hurting slightly more than the bones in his ass. He regretted his passing out location, the kitchen floor being as hard as it was.

"Well its nine o'clock, i can make us some dinner." Sam said as he helped Castiel to his feet.

"I'd rather not have another reason to vomit later." Castiel teased, the whiskey in his veins making his voice harsher than he would have liked. He looked up to find Sam smiling though.

"Alright fine jerk, ill order in." Sam pulled his phone out of his pocket but was quickly bombarded with Castiel's body.

"NO! Baby I'm sorry- i didn't mean it. I ll eat your burned eggs and your under salted fish everyday for the rest of my life, i promise." He was peppering Sam's face with kisses as he pleaded drunkenly.

Sam continued to laugh. "You live to torture yourself."

"Yes but i live to love you too." Castiel pulled on Sam's neck to kiss him again, this time opening his mouth with his tongue and diving in.

"Mmm, babe." Sam pulled back, a wide grin still plastered on his face. "How about some food to soak up that alcohol before i take advantage of you."

"Nachos?" Castiel asked through his eyelashes.

"Nachos." Sam nodded. "Ill have to run across the street to 7-11 though."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Yes, of course." Sam wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist. "I will not however be joining you in your future heart attack. I think we have enough stuff to make a salad."

"Salad? Ugh you're no fun."

"Do you want your nachos or not?" Sam teased, his eyebrows raising.

"Yes! With jalapenos and tomatoes." Castiel pushed Sam away and gestured towards the door. "And don't come back unless there is a yellow vitamin water in your hands as well."

Sam snickered. "You are so bossy when you're drunk."

Castiel let himself fall onto the couch as Sam left to run across the street.

It was moments like these that Castiel completely let go of his weird fixation with Sam's older brother. He would shake his head in annoyance at himself for even entertaining the thought that he could care for someone else. Sam was the sun and the moon, Sam was the reason he was finally happy. Sam was the reason he got up in the morning. He could convince himself that what he felt when he was around Dean was a fluke. It was just chemistry, nothing more. People have chemistry all the time, it didn't mean they should be together.

Castiel smiled as he began to fall back asleep, as if congratulating himself on a job well done. He was releasing the ridiculous notion that he was developing feelings for Dean.

That was just silly.

Sam is getting him nachos. Sam loves him. Sam is everything.

Sam's voice pulled Castiel back to consciousness. "Sorry babe, no jalapenos. But i think we have some cayenne i can throw on it for you."

Castiel jerked up on the couch. "No its fine. That will do just fine my love."

Sam grinned. "You're so affectionate when you're drunk." He placed the nachos in Castiel's lap. "Its kind of weird." Sam grinned down at him before kissing his boyfriends head.

"i'm not usually affectionate?" Castiel asked, his mouth full of tortilla chips and cheese.

"Well, not really. I mean typically the only time you touch me is when you want some action...and the terms of endearment aren't really your thing babe."

"They are your thing?" Castiel said curiously between bites.

"Seems so." Sam was looking into the fridge, pulling out ingredients to make himself a salad.

As if just just comprehending Sam's words Castiel's head jerked up. "Wait. I don't touch you unless i want to get laid?"

Sam turned around with a handful of vegetables and placed them on the island, his body facing Castiel. "When you say it like that it sounds pretty bad." He laughed. "But...yeah...usually."

Castiel tilted his head as he thought that over. "I-I didn't realize...does that bother you?"

Sam shrugged. "Not really. You don't stop me from touching you when i want to...and i know it isn't about me. Its just who you are."

Castiel thought about that for a moment while he finished the last of his nachos. Sam had placed his vitamin water on the table next to the couch and he reached for it to take a long sip before standing up. He wobbled slightly, but was able to stay upright. He walked over to the island and rested his hands on it.

"i'm an asshole aren't I?" He said, his voice genuinely concerned.

Sam laughed. "No, you're not an asshole. You're just...you. You've had a lot of shit happen to you...and i also think its just part of who you are. I mean, you don't like hugging people, you are oddly aware of your body in relation to other people...and affection for the sake of affection doesn't seem like something you've ever experienced."

Castiel thought about that as he watched Sam pull out a cutting board and knife to cut vegetables for his salad.

Sam was right. Besides his sisters' occasional displays of love towards him, Castiel had very little experience with affection that didn't involve sex. His grandfather rarely touched him, and his grandmother would only hug him once when she saw him and then keep her distance. He could tell she wanted to hug him more often but refrained nonetheless. He wondered if it was something he put out there, like a neon warning sign that told people to stay back.

"I'm sorry." Castiel offered.

"Its alright, really...i don't mind." Sam smiled at him warmly.

Castiel smiled back.

"Anna says i should see a therapist." He blurted out, pulling a baby carrot from Sam's pile of vegetables and tossing it into his mouth

Sam's eyes glanced at him for a second before he continued cutting his vegetables. "You never did master the art of the segue though."

"Do you think i need therapy." Castiel asked, ignoring Sam's comment.

"Sometimes." He answered casually.

"I think maybe i'll try it." Castiel said softly.

"Sounds good to me." Sam said back, kindness in his eyes. "I think having someone to talk to beside me and your sister would be good for you."

"Do you think i have that much to talk about?"

Sam let out a huff of laughter. "I think you could write a book about the things you have to talk about babe."

"I'm that fucked up?"

Sam's wide grin settled into a softer smile and he put his knife down on the counter.

"I think..." He paused, carefully choosing his words. "I think there are a lot of things from your childhood and teen years that you haven't worked through. I think those things sometimes hold you back from experiencing life in the way you should."

"How so?" Castiel questioned, his head tilting in the way it does when he is curious.

Sam picked the knife back up and began chopping a zucchini. "I don't know, its little things...things i've noticed but figured were far too weighted to have a simple explanation and didn't want to push you. I know you had a rough go of it as a kid and i figured you'd tell me if there was something you wanted me to know."

Castiel narrowed his eyes in confusion. He wasn't aware that Sam had picked up on anything that would make him worry. He had assumed that he had just changed enough to finally attract a person like Sam, and his bad qualities had faded away.

"Like what?" He asked hesitantly.

Sam finished chopping the zucchini and put the knife down. He sighed and looked at his boyfriend for a moment. "Do you think now is the best time to talk about this? You're barely standing."

He was right, Castiel was leaning heavily on the island countertop. He purposely straightened up then, suddenly feeling more sober than he had before.

"Sam." He said in his deep baritone that signaled to Sam that he was serious.

Sam sighed again and let his shoulders drop. He went around the island and stood in front of Castiel.

"Okay...Its a lot of little things. Like how you never leave the windows open, even if the weather is perfect, you close them only moments after i open them up. Or how you refuse to talk to me when i'm in the bathroom, its like you cant even hear me...i could be screaming for toilet paper for an hour and you never notice. And how you sometimes eat like you're in prison, protecting your food as if someone is about to snatch it away."

"How you never looked in the mirror when we met, then a few months later i found you primping like a little girl, but i haven't seen you look once since you've moved here. Or the fact that when we met you hadn't had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months, something i still don't really understand."

Sam took a breath and put his hand on Castiel's arm. "Or even your inability to understand what it is i see in you. You have never thought well of yourself...ever. And i know that must come from the life you lived with your mother, but...i don't know it just... shows."

Castiel stayed silent for a long moment before speaking. He knew the reason for all of those things, he just didn't realize he was doing them. "I didn't realize..."

Sam shook his head and pulled Castiel into his arms. "I'm not saying any of this is bad Castiel, I'm just saying that I think maybe Anna could be right. You have so much...you've been through too much not to have some stuff to work out."

Castiel nodded against his boyfriend's large chest. "I guess that makes sense." He buried his face into Sam's shirt. "Thank you."

"I love you." Sam whispered as he kissed Castiel head.

"I love you too."

 _August 3rd 2010_

 _I found a psychologist and my first appointment is next week. I am not really sure what to expect here. I know i can say anything and none if it will get back to anyone else...but still, the practice of admitting some of my darkest thoughts frighten me. If i say them out loud, it makes them more real...it holds me more accountable._

 _I think making myself think more fully about the plague that is my mind could make things a lot worse before they get better. If i have to truly examine the reason i do the things that i do...i am sure i will not like the answer. But still...i would like to name the source of the constant marquee of debilitating self-loathing i pretend doesn't exist._

 _I had gotten used to it before i met Sam, the dark thoughts that i let run through my mind. After we started dating, and those thoughts dissipate, i felt lighter but a void began to form. Like i'm really not myself unless i'm unhappy. But i pushed it away...i pushed that thought away because i had Sam. And Sam was making me happy. Sam makes me happy. He soothes that part of my mind that wants to tear itself apart._

 _He makes me want to be better, he does make me better._

 _But now...now i feel myself falling back into the comforting habit of darkness. I could say its the life ive lived catching up with me, but that would be a lie._

 _I know what it is, i know why i hate looking in the mirror once more._

 _Its Dean._

Despite how much he didn't want to admit it, Castiel looked forward to thursday and friday nights more than any other night of the week. Those were the nights he worked with Dean. Dean had mostly given up his attempts to ignore Castiel, and they had fallen into an easy working relationship.

Castiel switched his Wednesday day shift for Charlie's Monday night shift so that Charlie could attend her LARPing group. He was happy to help her, but there was a certain amount of personal gain he received from the trade as well. Dean worked at the bar monday afternoons, his one day shift. Castiel's first time working Monday nights were also his first time working alone during a night shift.

"Its not much different than a day shift." Dean told him, Castiel's anxiety apparent. "Monday nights aren't usually busy at all, you'll be fine." Dean was unlacing his apron and hanging it up.

"First time alone huh?" Marvin asked from his usual bar stool.

"Yep. You going to be nice to me?" Castiel asked, noticing Marvin's O'Douls getting low and walking over to the fridge to grab him another. He placed it in front of the old man after popping its top.

"As long as you keep this up." Marvin huffed.

"Its a deal." Castiel said with a crooked smile.

Dean pulled the plastic jar of cash from behind the bar. "Did better than usual today, day drinkers seem to be on the rise since that food truck opened up across the street."

Castiel watched as Dean stuffed pulled the cash from the jar and folded it neatly. He pushed it into his back pocket and replaced the jar in front of Castiel. He was wearing a black v-neck t-shirt and dark jeans that faded nicely to accentuate the curve of his ass.

Castiel did his best not to look.

"Any plans tonight?" Castiel asked.

"Nah, i figured i'd just go home and crash. I've got an early day at the shop tomorrow." Dean's voice was even but his eyes betrayed his calm exterior.

"Not looking forward to it huh?" Castiel called him out.

Dean looked at him for a moment before shaking his head. "No, but it is what it is."

Castiel wanted to reply to that but was interrupted by two women sitting down at the bar in front of him. He greeted them and took their order. He turned back to face Dean, who was still standing in the same spot, as if unwilling to leave until Castiel had spoken.

Castiel pulled a bottle of red wine down from the shelf and two wine glasses. "It doesn't have to be Dean."

He poured the wine and delivered them to the women, taking their name and credit card to start their tab.

Dean sighed, "You keep saying that but...i don't know man."

Castiel cocked his head slightly and then smiled. "I think you do."

Marvin's voice came from the other side of the bar. "Dean why don't you quit your bitchin and have a damn beer."

Castiel turned and gave Marvin a teasing glare. "Marvin, be good. We don't want Dean turning into you."

"Yeah well at least he would be quiet once in awhile." Marvin muttered, sipping his beer.

"He's got a point." Castiel teased as he looked over his shoulder to Dean.

Dean was smirking and nodding slightly. "Alright, i see how it is you two." He walked around to the other side of the bar and took a bar stool next to Marvin. He slammed his hands down on the bar dramatically and grinned from ear to ear. "I demand you service me barkeep."

Castiel's eyebrows rose suggestively without his permission, and Dean blushed and looked away.

"What'll it be then sir?" Castiel said smoothly as he gestured at the rows of liquor behind him.

"Whiskey, double, neat." Dean answered, his tone firm.

Castiel smiled. "Alright then." He turned around and grabbed the bottle of whiskey he knew Dean preferred. He poured a generous amount into a rocks glass and passed it to Dean.

Dean sniffed it as if testing Castiel's bartending accuracy and then sipped the whiskey slowly. He closed his eyes and hummed. "that's what i'm talking about."

Castiel chuckled under his breath. "I think we may have started something bad here, Marvin."

"Let the man drink." Marvin rebutted.

"Yeah Cas, let the man drink!" Dean said loudly.

"Only if the man promises not to distract me too much from getting shit done." Castiel raised his finger to point accusingly at Dean.

"I promise no such thing." Dean replied innocently.

"Alright you two, get a room." Marvin glared at them for a second before turning back to his beer. He pushed it in front of him slightly to indicate he was ready for another.

Castiel watched as color rose to Dean's cheeks and he could feel his own face getting hot. He was grateful that Marvin needed another drink and he rolled his eyes at the old man as he went to the fridge.

When he placed the beer in front of him he noticed Dean had already finished his whiskey as well. Castiel stared down at the glass and narrowed his eyes at Dean.

Dean just shrugged and smiled casually. "What? I was thirsty." He pushed it towards Cas who picked it up and poured another dose of whiskey.

Castiel hoped that Dean sticking around would lead to him talking more about whatever was going on with him. He knew that Dean was anxious to quit the car shop, but he also knew how incredibly difficult it was for him to let his family down.

After Dean took down his second drink in less than five minutes, Castiel figured it wouldn't be long before he could get some real information out of Dean. But as it turned out, he didn't have to wait that long before Dean began to ramble about this weeks version of curly fries and onion rings.

"Why does whiskey have to go in a rocks glass?" Dean was staring at the glass and leaning back into the barstool.

Castiel squinted his eyes in confusion and stepped back over to stand in front of Dean. "I don't know...its the optimal shape for straight liquor consumption i assume."

"But what if it doesn't want to be in a whiskey glass." Dean replied, his voice more tense.

"You're implying the whiskey has an emotional response to the type of glass it is served in?" Castiel questioned.

Dean looked up at him, his lips twitching slightly. "I'm just saying maybe whiskey wanted to be in a martini glass, or a high ball glass. Did anyone think to ask the whiskey first?"

Castiel stepped back from the bar and crossed his arms across his chest. He realized what was happening. It was just as Sam said. Dean was transferring his problem about being forced into a situation he didn't want to be in, to whiskey and its preference of delivery.

"I guess not, no." Castiel answered smoothly. "But then again, whiskey is an object, so asking it what it wants probably wouldn't give you the answers you desire."

Dean looked up at him and then over to Marvin. He used his thumb to gesture to Castiel. "This guy..."

"This guy," Castiel interrupted. "Thinks maybe your personification of whiskey is just your special way of dealing with Bobby."

Dean huffed. "Oh look Marvin, the doctor is in."

Castiel rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms. He placed his hands on the bar and leaned against it so that he was closer to Dean. "You can call be doctor if you want, but either way, you know i'm right."

Dean pursed his lips and lifted his glass to take a lengthy sip. Castiel could tell Dean was already pretty drunk, and since he hadn't had dinner yet, he knew the elder Winchester wouldn't make it much longer before he would need to pour him into a cab just as Dean had done for him.

Dean looked up at Castiel to find him staring down back at him. Castiel could see the struggle behind his eyes, as well as the relief that washed over Dean's face when he finally gave up his mock bravado.

"What the hell am i supposed to do then?" Dean asked quietly, his eyes not leaving Castiel's.

"Tell him the truth." Cas said simply.

"And what the hell is that?"

"You don't know?" Castiel shook his head.

"Tell me." Dean lifted his hands up in defeat.

Castiel let out a long breath. "I can tell you what i think, but that doesn't mean its true."

Dean nodded. "Go for it."

"Alright. I think that working at the shop at first made you feel closer to you father. I think learning from Bobby was like learning from you dad in a way, and that made you happy. Then i think the actual day in and outs of the job set in and you realized it wasn't what you wanted, but you couldn't do much about it because you needed the money. Then when you started working here, and you realized how much happier you were- you wanted out. I think you feel guilty for backing out of something Bobby had set up for you, and i think it makes you feel like you're not only letting down Bobby, but your father too."

Castiel stopped then, realizing he had probably said entirely too much. His eyes examined Dean's face, fear bubbling up his body.

Dean had barely moved during Castiel's speech. His expression hadn't changed and Castiel wondered if he was in shock.

"Damn kid, you sure you're not a doctor?" Marvin quipped before turning his head to stare at the wall in front of him.

"Dean?" Castiel asked when Dean had stayed silent for another minute.

Dean looked like had stopped breathing for a moment and Castiel was contemplating shaking him from across the bar, when Dean finally moved. He began nod his head slowly, his lips pulling down into a sad frown that made Castiel's heartbreak.

"Dean I'm sorry- I say shit i shouldn't...i-"

"No." Dean interrupted. "Its fine." His voice was quiet but even. "You're right."

Castiel let out a breath of relief at Deans words and stood up straight again. "I am?"

"Yeah." Dean smiled at Castiel's shocked expression.

"Good. I mean, i don't mean good so much as its good that i didn't just fuck up." Castiel babbled.

Dean laughed. "I think i'll take another drink Cas." His eyes sparkled as he looked up to Castiel.

"Sure thing Dean."

 _August 6th 2010_

 _I practically had to carry Dean to his cab last night. He had his arm around my waist as we walked out of the bar and his hand somehow made it beneath the hem of my button down shirt. His fingers on my skin...i wish it didn't affect me the way it did._

 _It was like ice and fire at the same time. It was heaven and hell and everything in between. I am sure i was imagining it, but it felt like his thumb was circling over my hipbone just before i placed him into the cab. It felt, God fucking damn it, it felt amazing._

 _Then when i told him goodnight and was about to close the cab door, he pulled my hand into his. He held my hand for a moment, and just stared at me. If i was drunk i would have written it off the next day as a stupid drunken whim but i was stone cold sober and the look he gave me...it wasn't a whim._

 _It wasn't some drunken fluke._

 _The way he looked at me...no one has ever looked at me like that. Even Sam. It wasn't just affection i saw in his eyes, it was...desperation...it was like he was calling to me._

 _He thanked me too. He thanked me and then held my hand for another long moment before dropping it and laying down in the backseat of the cab._

 _I wonder if he will remember tomorrow._

 _I know i wont be able to think about much else. His eyes...they are so fucking green...i see them whenever i close mine. I see them every time i see anything that is green._

 _Stop lights, grass, fucking honeydew melons and my thoughts rush to Dean._

 _I think my appointment with the therapist tomorrow cant come soon enough._


	10. Ashamed

_August 7th 2010_

 _By day my limbs, By night my mind_

 _For thee, and for myself, no quiet find._

 _He's got me quoting fucking shakespeare...this has to stop._

"So what brings you to see me today Castiel?"

The psychologist was a short, older man, with graying dark hair. He was wearing a sweater set and kakis, and Castiel thought he looked like a librarian. His name was Dr. Metron and Castiel liked him immediately. His smile was genuine, and his office was comfortable.

"My sister suggested it." Castiel answered honestly.

"Why do you think she felt it was a good idea?" Dr. Metron pressed.

"Well, i had a rough childhood...and i think maybe she...and i guess i do too...feel like it would be a good idea to work some of that out."

"Alright. Why don't you tell me about it, your childhood."

Castiel sighed. He didn't know where to start, or how much to actually go into. In this case he was sure brevity wasn't necessary but he really wanted to get to the part where he would be cured of his feelings for Dean, so he wanted to do his best to truncate his history.

"Dad left. Mom hated me. Older brother was a dick...but we get a long well enough now. His twin sister protected me from my mother's drunken outbursts when she could, but she left when i was twelve. My other older sister is pretty much the most perfect person to exist. I loved my grandfather but he died last year."

Dr. Metron kept his face impassive as he nodded. "And you. Tell me more about yourself."

"I say what's on my mind too much. I write shitty poetry. I'm working on a novel about a drug addict even though i've never been high. I've fucked probably half of my home town..."

Castiel's eyes shot up at the last statement, carefully taking in his therapists response.

He didn't show a flicker of surprise as he nodded again. "I see. And do you still continue to have multiple partners?"

"No. Just one. My boyfriend Sam." The doctor wrote down a few lines onto his steno pad.

"And how long have you been seeing each other."

"Going on two years." Castiel answered.

"And has it been difficult to stay faithful to Sam?"

"No." Castiel said quickly, his eyes then averting to the ceiling as he thought about the truth of his answer. "Well, i mean i have never cheated on him, but lately...lately i am struggling with...thoughts."

"Thoughts of being unfaithful?"

"Yes." Castiel said quietly. "I don't want to, i really don't. Especially not with him...its just they keep popping up in my head. I cant seem to get him out of there."

"I see. Another man?"

"Yes." Castiel paused then added, "Sam's brother."

"Alright." Dr. Metron said evenly. "Lets go back a bit. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Tell me more about your previous partners."

"You mean relationships or sexual partners?"

"Whatever you would like to tell me."

"Uh...I guess...I've only had three or four relationships that lasted longer than a couple weeks. Other than that, I mostly just slept with people i was attracted to...or people who were attracted to me."

"Did you want a relationship with those people or was it clear to both parties that it was casual?"

"I'm not sure what the other person wanted...there were times when i wanted to keep it casual and other times when i wanted more."

"And how long did this pattern take place?"

"Since i started having sex...until i met Sam." Castiel shifted nervously, suddenly feeling more uncomfortable than he had before. The doctor didn't let that keep him from continuing though.

"And when did you first have intercourse?" Dr. Metron asked, his brow furrowed slightly.

"When i was fourteen." Castiel had learned by now that fourteen was far too young to be having sex, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now.

The doctor wrote a few more things down on his notepad.

"And what made you want to have sex?"

"I guess...i don't know, i just wanted someone." Castiel fidgeted with his hands in his lap.

"You wanted the physical response or were you looking for an emotional connection?"

"I guess at first it was just emotional...i wanted someone for myself." He tried to meet the doctor's gaze but his eyes fell to the floor quickly.

"Someone to love you."

"Yes." Castiel answered after a long pause. "But then there were times when people did love me...and i couldn't love them back."

Dr. Metron just nodded as if he understood and wrote more in his steno pad.

"Castiel, tell me more about your relationship with your mother."

Castiel shifted in his seat again. "She blamed me for my father leaving. Most of my memories of her involve her insulting me or ignoring me completely."

"I see." The psychologist put his pen down and looked into Castiel's eyes. "Do you think its possible you were replacing the love of your mother by seeking out the love of others."

"Yes." Castiel said in an irritated voice. "I think that's exactly what i was doing."

The doctor was un-phased by Castiel's annoyance. "Alright, that's good that you recognize that." He paused.

"Now why don't you tell me more about Dean."

Castiel flushed immediately. "Dean? You don't want me to tell you about Sam first?"

"If you'd like, but i think you know how you feel about your boyfriend. And i think i can surmise a great deal about him just by the simple fact that you have been with him for so long. I suspect you are really here to figure out how you feel about his brother."

Castiel's eyes widened. "You're..uh...you're good at this."

The doctor smiled softly. "Its my job."

"Yeah..." Castiel slumped into the couch and let out a long breath. "Dean."

Dr. Metron stayed silent and waited for Castiel to continue.

He didn't know what to tell his therapist. He could describe him physically but what would that do but to confirm he is attracted to him? He could tell him about the smile Castiel swears is just for him, or the glint in Dean's eyes when he's watching Cas behind the bar. There were a million things he could say about Dean, but he didn't know where to start.

"He's Sam's brother."

The doctor nodded and waited again.

"He's...fuck!" Castiel stood up then, his body unable to stay still as his mind raced around thoughts of Dean and his ability to actually say them out loud. "He's infuriating in the best way possible. He is entirely selfless, but considers himself a selfish person. He can make my entire body shake with just a look or a brush of his fingertips over mine." Castiel was pacing the room then, his voice hurried and raised.

"His smile literally makes me weak- like my legs actually buckled yesterday when i saw him. Its fucking ridiculous. His eyes...shit his eyes are so green and so god damn beautiful...and his freckles...they're these little tiny specs of heaven that i imagine myself tasting whenever i see him. And...shit...i..." Castiel stopped in front of the couch. "What the hell am i going to do?"

The doctor waited a moment before answering. His face was still impassive, but Castiel could see a kindness in his eyes that made him like the man even more.

"Castiel it sounds to me like you have definitely developed feelings for Dean, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything catastrophic. People develop crushes all the time. If you are committed to Sam, this infatuation will pass."

"It will pass?" Castiel said suspiciously.

"If you want it to, yes. It will." The doctor leaned forward slightly in his chair. "The movies talk about falling in love like it wasn't a choice, like there was no other option. But it is a choice Castiel. You are at a point in your relationship with Dean where you could walk away. You could distance yourself and in doing so, your crush will slip away."

Castiel stared at the doctor, completely wrapped up in his words.

"However, you can also choose to continue your relationship with Dean. And if you choose that path, its likely your crush will grow into something much more substantial."

"Substantial...you mean like i would fall in love with him?"

"Its possible, yes." The doctor nodded. "Once you've made a decision to keep pursuing this friendship, you are signing yourself up for that possibility."

"You are at a crossroads Castiel. If you get out now, you may save yourself from a lot of heartache in the future. If you continue your relationship with Dean, the choice of falling in love will be taken out of your hands."

 _August 7th 2010_

 _A crush? A fucking crush? Like i'm fifteen again?_

 _Fuck that._

 _I like my therapist though._

 _Besides telling me that if i kept seeing Dean it would be my own fault if i fall in love with him, he also told me that my relationship with Sam shouldn't be the sole reason for my happiness._

 _I think that makes sense, but i'm not sure what else makes me happy. Except Sam. And Dean. But Dean also makes me miserable so maybe he doesn't count._

 _Writing makes me happy sometimes i suppose._

 _Why do i have to be happy to be functional member of society? Just because i'm unhappy doesn't mean i will off myself or hurt anyone else. I feel comfortable in my unhappiness, its...its normal for me._

 _I do prefer the feeling of happiness though. I do like that blissful serenity that comes with Sam's voice or Dean's smile. I shouldn't let Dean get in though, that place...that place should be reserved for Sam only._

 _Despite what Dr. Metron says, I cant give up my relationship with Dean. I may be walking down a dark and horrible path...but i couldn't imagine not being around Dean as often as I am. Its become a part of me...i feel so drawn to him i cant think straight when he is around._

 _that's probably one more sign i should give him up...but i cant. I feel like my entire body is on fire when he is around and being close to him makes it better and worse at the same time._

 _This isn't just a crush. This cant be a crush...i don't know what it is...but its not that._

Castiel felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and closed his journal. He stood up and pulled the phone out of his pocket to see a text message notification.

 **Balthazar:** _I am in town Cassie. Come play with me._

Castiel rolled his eyes and ignored the text. He really didn't want to deal with his obnoxious cousin at the moment. His phone buzzed in his hands again indicating another text.

 **Balthazar:** _don't ignore me cousin. Come on, we'll have a blast._

Castiel groaned. He let out a long sigh before replying.

 **Castiel** : _Where are you staying?_

 **Balthazar** : _Plaza. Meet me for a drink? Bring that handsome man of yours._

 **Castiel:** Fine. _What time?_

 **Balthazar:** _Seven. Four. Now. Just come get drunk with me Castiel._

 **Castiel:** _Sam will be home in a few minutes, I'll let you know._

 **Balthazar:** _Tell him to wear something slutty._

Castiel rolled his eyes again and pushed the phone back into his front pocket.

"Hey!" Sam's voice came from the living room and Castiel left their bedroom, shutting the door as he went.

"Hi." Castiel said as casually as he could manage.

His struggle with his feelings for Dean had caused him to start feeling more and more guilty whenever he saw Sam. He was lying to him, every time he saw his boyfriend, Castiel was lying to him. It was eating away at him but at the same time he knew he could never tell him. He also knew he couldn't stop seeing Dean.

Sam dropped his bag of books on the floor and walked over to Castiel to give him a peck on the lips. "How was your shift?"

"Fine. Decent enough tips for a day shift. How was class?"

"Eh. I got a mountain of work to do, plus an exam next week to study for. So...fucking fantastic." Sam smiled. "Thoughts for dinner?"

"Uh- actually. Balthezaur is in town and wants to meet up. You can't come be my buffer for a couple hours?"

Sam's face fell slightly. "Oh babe, i wish i could, really." Sam stepped forward and put his hand on Castiel's arm. "But i really need to study."

"Its alright, i didn't really want to go anyway."

Sam narrowed his eyes at him. "You should still go. It'll be good for you."

"I don't think a night out with Balthazar is good for anyone Sam." Castiel said tersely.

"Well then, call Dean. He can be your buffer, and i bet he would find Baz hilarious."

Castiel's body stiffened. "Dean?"

"Yeah, you guys are getting to be pretty good friends right?" Sam asked nonchalantly as he turned away and picked his bag off the floor. He began unloading his books onto the kitchen table.

"Yeah, i mean i guess so. But i'm sure he has better things to do than help me babysit my crazy cousin." Castiel stammered, looking for a way out of this externally, while internally screaming in delight.

"I seriously doubt that. Call him."

Castiel could feel a bead of sweat collecting at his brow at the thought of calling Dean. No, he didn't want to do that. He would text him. That would give Dean an easier out if he wants one.

"Alright." Castiel said as casually as he could manage, careful to keep his voice even.

He pulled out his phone again and found Dean's number. He had stored it the other day after Dean had texted him. All he said was that he was going to be a few minutes late for his shift, but Castiel read the text repeatedly.

 **Castiel:** _My asshole cousin is in town tonight and is requesting my presence. You up for some babysitting?_

Castiel read his text multiple times before hitting send. He thought he accomplished being clever but breezy fairly well. His palms began to sweat as he waited for Dean's response. Charlie had the bar tonight so he knew Dean wasn't working.

Less than a minute passed before Castiel's phone buzzed in his hands.

 **Dean** : _Sure. Where to?_

Castiel felt a smile creeping to his lips that he shut down immediately. His heart rate however, was unable to be tamed and he could hear his pulse in his ears.

 **Castiel:** _Lets meet at the Bunker. Decide from there._

 **Dean:** _Sounds good. Time?_

 **Castiel:** _Six?_

 **Dean:** _See you then_.

"What'd he say?" Sam asked, his study station set up at the kitchen table.

Castiel shoved his phone back into his pocket quickly, as if hiding evidence.

"He's in. Thanks for suggesting it Sam, Baz can be a bit much to take on alone."

"Yeah i know, just keep him from kissing Dean like he does me all the time." Sam laughed.

"Do you think Dean would mind?" Castiel found himself hanging on Sam's upcoming answer.

"Being kissed by a guy he doesn't know? Probably." Sam snickered. "Although with Dean...God i never know."

"He is...difficult to pinpoint." Castiel agreed.

"So, dinner?" Sam asked, his head pointed down at his book.

"Uh- i figured i'd take Baz out. Is that alright?"

"Huh? Yeah sure, that's no big deal. We have leftovers from last night." Sam smiled up at him and Castiel walked over to kiss his mouth tenderly.

"Thanks." Castiel said against his lips.

"For what?" Sam asked.

"For being so sweet." Castiel said in a southern drawl he knew made Sam laugh.

"Oh geez." Sam rolled his eyes. "Go shower, you're practically dripping in triteness."

Castiel laughed. "Yes dear."

He made his way into the bathroom and disrobed quickly. He smelled of bar and cleaning solution and wanted to look good for tonight. He put it out of his mind that he wanted to look good for Dean, instead he convinced himself that dressing nicely would give Balthazar one less thing to tease him about.

While he was in the shower Castiel's thoughts roamed over to where they would go that evening. He figured they could have a couple drinks at The Bunker, let Balthazar meet charlie, then grab some dinner somewhere nearby. He assumed his cousin would want to continue drinking after that and hoped Dean would have a good suggestion for a place to go.

At the thought of Dean, and what he would be wearing tonight, Castiel's dick twitched to life. He groaned at the inconvenience and did his best to wash around it without touching himself longer than a few seconds. He tried to concentrate on anything that wasn't Dean's eyes, or smile, or adorable freckles. His mind however, refused to cooperate and he found himself picturing his tongue flicking softly against the freckles on Dean's cheek. He saw himself working his way down to his jaw and kissing him softly just beneath his ear, sucking at the sensitive skin slightly.

Without realizing it, Castiel had begun to stroke himself. His hand pulling down his shaft and coming back up again as thoughts of Dean's body floated easily across his mind. Castiel imagined kissing his way down Dean's throat, stopping along his collar bone for a taste, before moving down further to tease his nipples between his teeth. He didn't know if Dean liked that, but in his fantasy Dean was panting against the top of Castiel's head as he worked his nipples over, lapping them into his mouth and sucking gently.

Castiel began to stroke himself faster, the water providing a pleasant sensation along his cock as he moved. He let his mind wander to Dean's hipbones, and the way his ass curved in his jeans. He imagined what it would look like naked and Castiel was so close to coming just from the thought. He continued to pull at his shaft, gripping himself tighter as he let go of all mental restraint and imagined taking Dean into his hand. He let himself pretend the dick in his hand was Dean's, and Castiel had to bite down on his lip as he came. He spilled over into the shower, leaning his body against the cool tiled wall as he came down from his high.

Castiel finished cleaning his body as he shook his head at what he had just done. Ever since the incident with his facebook picture, Castiel had been very careful about thinking about Dean whenever he felt aroused. He would box up that part of him, and keep the lid on tight as he and Sam made love, not letting his feelings for Dean take over in the moment. But it was getting harder and harder to stop himself from going there.

Castiel turned off the water and dried himself off with a towel. He made his way into their bedroom and peeked at Sam who was still hunched over his books at the table. Guilt shot through him and Castiel felt like he wanted to jump off a bridge in that moment.

He trudged on though and went into their bedroom.

He pulled on a pair of black boxer briefs and then dressed in dark jeans and a teal button down that was fitted against his body. He pushed some product through his hair quickly before leaving his bedroom and walking towards Sam. He grabbed his shoes and slipped them on easily before clearing his throat to get Sam's attention.

"What do you think?" Castiel asked with arms outstretched. "Will Balthazar have reason to be a little shit about my appearance?"

Sam glanced up casually from his book, intending to placated his boyfriend before doing a double take and staring him down. "Geez..." Sam said as his eyes widened. "Where did you get that shirt?"

"Charlie helped me pick it out the other day, she said it brought out my eyes. Good?" Castiel worried he looked ridiculous in such a bright color.

"Uh yeah. Good...great...fucking sexy as hell babe." Sam walked over to him and put his arms around his waist, dipping his hands down to Castiel's ass. "You better be home early enough for me to have some fun with you looking like that."

Castiel's anxious grin widened into a full on gummy smile. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. You'll be batting them away all night." Sam said against his lips.

"Batting who away?" Castiel asked as he kissed him back.

"Anyone with eyes." He leaned down to kiss him again but stopped short. "What happened to your lip?"

Castiel blushed. "I bit it. Stupid, I know. Does it look bad?"

"No...in fact, it kind of makes you look even hotter, like you've been fighting in an alley somewhere." Sam smiled. "Damn, i don't think i like you going out looking so damn hot babe."

"Well i could stay in then, just watch you study as I dodge Baz' phone calls."

"Nice try." Sam said with a teasing grin as he pulled back and went to sit down at the table again. "Go. Have fun, don't let my brother catch any STD's while you're out."

Castiel found himself following him, pulling his arms around Sam's shoulders as he dipped his face next to his. "You're the best."

Sam beamed up at him. "I know."

Castiel arrived at The Bunker a few minutes early, anticipating that Balthazar would show up pretty much the moment he got the address. He let out a sigh of relief though, when he entered the bar and found only Charlie and some of the regulars laughing at the bar.

"Cas!" Charlie yelled through a wide smile. "Gary here is telling me stories about you!"

"Oh yeah?" Castiel asked casually as he took a seat next to Steve. "What kind of shit are you spewing Gary?"

"Only that you and Dean seem to be mighty cozy lately." The men roared with laughter and Charlie joined them. Castiel did his best to play the comment off as a joke like the rest of them were doing but could feel a lump in his throat form.

"don't be jealous Gary, There's plenty of me to go around." Dean's voice was behind him then and Castiel just about fell off his barstool when he whipped around to face him.

They only made eye contact for a second before their eyes moved down the lines of each other's bodies.

While Castiel was taking in the way Dean had rolled up the sleeves of his white button down to show off his impressive forearms, Dean's eyes were roaming down to Castiel's chest, lingering on the stretch of the fabric across his runners body. Dean had declined to shave just as Castiel had, and both of their jaws were shaded in stubble. He was too far to smell, but Castiel thought Dean looked like he smelled like spring rain and he felt his feet move towards him unconsciously.

Their eyes didn't find their way back up to each other's until each of them had appreciated the other man fully.

The moment their eyes met though, was something Castiel would never forget.

Dean's were wide and filled with desire, and he was sure they mimicked his own. Castiel felt like the entire room was shaking around them. He could feel his body coming to life as they continued to gaze at each other,each of them taking another step closer with out realizing it.

Castiel watched as Dean's gaze lowered to his lips and could see the puzzlement in his face at the sight of the small cut. His confusion quickly transformed into something else though, when Castiel flicked his tongue out to soothe his wound.

"See, what'd i tell ya?" Gary stage whispered into Steve's ear.

Castiel barely heard him though and it wasn't until Balthazar walked in and pulled Castiel into a dramatic kiss that Castiel dragged his eyes away from Dean's.

"Mmph" Castiel pushed Balthazar away. "Was that entirely necessary?"

Balthazar smiled widely and wiggled his eyebrows. "No."

He lifted his gaze to Charlie and called over to her. "Kettle One darling, neat."

Castiel turned to look at Charlie who was staring widely at Balthazar and was wearing a goofy smile. She looked at him and then to Dean. "And you two?"

"I'll just have a beer. The pale is fine." Castiel answered before turning his gaze back to Dean, careful to keep his glance casual and trained only on his face.

"Same." Dean said shakily.

"Where's gorgeous , Cassie?" Balthazar asked, his eyes scanning the crowd.

"Sam had to study." Castiel answered firmly, his voice gruff and low.

"Sam's not coming?" Dean asked suddenly. Castiel thought he heard panic in his voice.

"No." Castiel answered solemnly. "Baz, this is Dean. Sam's older brother."

"Oh good god. The whole lot of you are fucking stupidly handsome." Balthazar said with disgust. "How come we didn't get those genes Cassie?"

"Oh i don't know," Charlie's voice cut in then, as he put their drinks on the bar. "Cassie here is pretty damn fine, if i do say so myself."

"What do you know about it?" Gary asked.

"Just because i don't buy the flower doesn't mean i cant appreciate the bouquet." Charlie retorted back, fluttering her lashes.

Castiel felt his face getting hot under the stares of the men at the bar.

"Yeah- i guess if i swung that way." Steve shrugged and gave Castiel a wink. "Sure."

Castiel blushed even harder before regrouping and pulling himself together.

"Alright, Alright. I'm taken everyone- keep your pants on." Castiel said smoothly, impressing himself with his ability to fall into his smartass persona despite his sudden attack of nerves.

"What about you gorgeous- you have a special someone in your life?" Balthazar turned to Dean, placing his hand on his shoulder and Castiel could feel his smile straining into a frown.

His eyes darted to Dean's who flashed his green irises Castiel's way before beginning to stammer. "Well- uh, not-"

"He's ready and able!" Charlie shouted.

Balthazar let a crooked smile grace his lips as he looked at Dean.

Castiel thought it looked like his cousin was licking Dean telepathically and it made him want to punch his cousin.

Dean's cheeks turned red under Balthazar's gaze.

"Perfect." Baz crooned at Dean before turning to look at Charlie. "And who is this charmer?"

"I'm Charlie, Dean and Cas would be lost with out me." She extended her hand over the bar. "And you are?"

"Balthazar- Baz will do just fine though. I'm Cassie's cousin." He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it seductively.

"don't waste your best material on her buddy." Gary teased.

"I was merely greeting her properly." Balthazar shot back with a smile.

He pulled the drinks into his hands and passed them over to his companions for the evening. When he looked to Dean and Castiel, he found their eyes locked once again, in a battle of ocean and forrest.

His own eyes flicked between them a few times before a devilish smirk lifted his lips.

"Oh boys, we are going to have a good time tonight."


	11. Panic Station

Dean didn't know how he was stupid enough to let this happen.

The moment he laid eyes on Castiel Novak in Ellen's kitchen two years ago, he was totally and completely wrecked. It wasn't like he had never seen a hot guy before, it wasn't like he was some horny teenager unable to keep his dick soft whenever he saw a fine piece of ass. Sure, he had his fair share of flings and a revolving door of sexual partners, but not once had he ever given Sam's boyfriends a second look. They belonged to Sam, his little brother, the kid he spent his whole life looking after. Anyone who was with Sam automatically became off-limits to Dean and he never struggled with that.

Until now.

And now he was fully and utterly fucked.

He was blindsided, he didn't even have a chance to defend himself before Castiel bulldozed his way into his life. He remembered being almost shocked at the way his body reacted to meeting him. Dean's eyes wouldn't leave the crystal waters of Cas', despite how much he begged them to. His hand, when it fit inside Castiel's, felt like it was going home, like he had found a place to rest.

Then Castiel opened his mouth to speak and Dean thought he might pass out from the shear depth in the man's voice. It sent shivers down his spine and heat to his groin. He spent the entire weekend that Christmas following Cas around, not even aware he was doing it until Charlie took him aside and asked if he was crushing on his little brother's man. He sputtered and gawked and denied and almost fled in a sprint, before Charlie just chuckled and let it go. He didn't realize it was that obvious, and he wondered if Sam had noticed too.

So when Cas moved to DC, Dean was determined to be more careful. No long stares, hell he wouldn't even fucking look at him. His hands stayed clenched at his sides as if they were going to run through that thick coat of dark hair that always seemed to be flying in every direction. He found release in the hands of the women he picked up at bars, being careful to only attract girls.

He knew no one would care that he was bisexual, but it was personal, and he didn't think it mattered that he wanted to keep that part of himself for just him. He wasn't ashamed at all, it just felt more intimate somehow. When he was with a woman, Dean felt more confident, more at ease with the process. When he was with a man, Dean felt out of control- he felt aggressive and weak at the same time. It wasn't something he allowed himself to do very often.

The night he went out with Sam, Charlie, and Cas, Dean went from girl to girl until he found one that didn't remind him of Castiel at all. But despite his best efforts, when he closed his eyes he still pictured it was Castiel he was fucking with his tongue.

He wanted to feel his harsh scruff beneath his fingers, he wanted to throw the stupidly hot black rimmed glasses Cas sometimes wore to the floor and devour him completely.

It didn't help that now he was forced to see him all of the time, and work with him, and talk to him, and just about do everything in his power not to touch him.

Dean had given up his attempts to ignore Cas. He saw how much his behavior affected the younger man and couldn't keep up the charade. He let himself be real with Cas, but always keeping up his guard, just in case. Dean knew getting drunk around him was probably not the best idea, but he had faith that his love for his little brother would keep him from doing something stupid.

Because despite how much Dean wanted Cas, Dean didn't want to act on it. He wanted to be the good big brother, the good man, he knew he could be. He didn't want to do anything that would hurt Sam, not ever. And if that meant he had to be friends with the sexiest man on god's green earth and pretend like he wasn't falling in love with him, then that's exactly what he was going to do.

Of course it didn't help that Castiel seemed to be affected by Dean as well.

Dean pretended he didn't notice at first. He let himself believe that when Castiel stared back it was because Cas was just kind of weird and it didn't mean anything. And it was true that Castiel was a little strange, Dean noticed that immediately, but if anything his odd quirks and strangely formal way of speaking make Dean all the more desperate for him.

Dean knew he caught Castiel checking him out a few times, and sure he knew he was good looking, but Cas had looked like he wanted to swallow him whole when he looked at Dean. It made Dean want to melt into the earth and be lapped up by the gorgeous tongue that Castiel liked to flick across his lip when he was thinking.

And to make matters worse, tonight Dean would be spending an entire evening with Castiel. Of course, his obnoxious cousin would be tagging along as well, but Dean felt extremely vulnerable without his brother there to ground him. Whenever he was around Sam and Castiel both, Dean found it easier to keep himself in check. He would see the way his brother looked at Cas, and the piece of him that wanted the writer for himself hummed more softly. He would have to shut his eyes or look away quickly whenever they kissed though, the few glimpses Dean caught in the past had made him physically sick.

They were sitting at the bar at The Bunker and Dean watched as Castiel's lips curled around his beer bottle, his slightly chapped lips forming perfectly around the circular opening. Dean did his best not to imagine another circular object he wanted to see Cas' lips around as he pulled his eyes away from him. The shirt Castiel was wearing made his eyes look an impossible shade of vibrant blue and Dean had already gotten lost in them twice that night.

"Alright you two, I've got to get some food in me or I'll be positively sloshed in an hour." Baz said as he pushed his credit card across the bar to Charlie. "These are on me."

"I am unfamiliar with the restaurants in the area still." Castiel turned his head to face Dean. "Do you have any suggestions?"

Dean had a few suggestions alright. None of which involved dinner, or Cas' stupid cousin, or clothes for that matter.

"Huh?" Dean snapped himself out of his quick fantasy. "Yeah, um- Thai?"

"Delicious." Baz answered, the word coming out seductive and smooth.

Castiel rolled his eyes and Dean smirked at the sight. "Stop trying to hit on Dean, Balthazar." Castiel said through his teeth. "I don't think he is interested."

Dean saw Castiel's eyes widen slightly at his own words and it made him smile.

"I mean- I don't know..." Castiel looked over to Dean for some sort of clue as to whether his statement was true or false and Dean had to think for a second before responding. If he had met Baz in a bar somewhere he would have thought the guy was hot, but as soon as he opened his mouth he would have been out.

"Oh don't speak for the man Cassie, let him make his own mind up." Baz offered casually as he signed the bill and smiled at Charlie. "Besides, i don't think i'm down for one-on-one tonight anyway...if you know what i mean." He wiggled his eyebrows and Castiel let out an exasperated breath.

"I think the entire bar knows what you mean." Castiel stood up from his chair and gave a wave to Charlie and some of the regulars. He turned to watch Dean as the elder Winchester pulled himself away from the bar as well. "My cousin thinks orgies are as good a past time as anything else."

Dean looked shocked for a moment before smoothing it out and shrugging.

"You know, i hear they aren't all they're cracked up to be." He deadpanned and kept his eyes on Castiel whose own eyes squinted as he tilted his head.

"Was that supposed to be some sort of innuendo?" Castiel asked with a confused expression.

Dean couldn't hold back his twitching smile at the familiar sight of Castiel's beautiful confusion. "Yeah- didn't really work did it?"

"No." Castiel smiled. "Sorry Dean."

"Eh." Dean placed his hand on Castiel's upper back as Castiel turned to follow Balthazar out the door. The heat from Castiel's body beneath his hand made Dean's head swim but he ignored it and pressed forward. "Like you could have done better."

Dean was following him out the door through the crowd, his body pressed against Castiel's back as they moved.

"I think a reference about your ability to perform multiple jobs at once would have worked better." Castiel said over his shoulder.

When Castiel spoke, Dean's eyes flicked down to the closeness of Cas' lips and stayed there until the meaning of his words hit him and he doubled over in laughter. His face brushed against Castiel's as he laughed and he saw Cas inhale slowly and close his eyes for a split second after Dean had pulled himself back upright.

It was times like that, that Dean wanted to run. He wanted to run as fast as his body would take him, for as long as his legs would cooperate. He knew they shouldn't be sharing moments like that, little secret flings of emotions that so obviously brought them closer and closer to something neither of them wanted, but both of their bodies demanded.

As they made their way out onto the street, Dean made sure to place Baz between him and Cas as he led them to the restaurant. Castiel seemed to be in agreement of their body placement, as he put a good two feet between him and Dean whenever Baz stopped to comment on their surroundings or hit on a random stranger on the street.

By the time they got to where they were to have dinner, Baz had two telephone numbers and an invitation to a private party at a club nearby.

"Is he always like this?" Dean asked Castiel as he held the door open for him and his cousin. Baz entered first and Cas stopped to smirk at Dean's comment, placing his hand on the door above Dean's shoulder and gesturing for Dean to go in ahead of him.

"Yes."

Dean tried not to inhale Cas' scent too obviously, but he couldn't help but to take a quick breath as Cas held his arm out next to him. Dean could pick out notes of citrus along with something sweeter, and he wondered what it was. The scent was consuming his thoughts as he complied with Castiel's request and followed Baz inside the restaurant.

Dean could feel Cas' eyes on him as he followed the Casanova wannabe to the table the hostess delivered them to. The sensation was strange, even though he couldn't see Cas behind him, Dean knew the writer was staring at him. His skin felt hot from the pressure of his eyes, and his heart began to beat in a new rhythm.

It was like that whenever he was around Cas. He could feel his heart stutter at the sight of him, as if it had forgotten how to beat as Cas moved closer, his heart began to pump to an entirely different rhythm.

There were times, when Dean was lying awake at night, that he wondered what would happen if he and Cas were both hooked up to a heart monitor. Would their heartbeats be synchronized? He scoffed at the thought the first time it occurred to him, but the more he experienced this phenomena whenever Cas was around, the more he wondered if it was possible.

"Alright gentleman, let us eat and then be on our way to getting properly fucked. Yes?" Baz said as he sat down at the table.

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Can't wait."

Dean plastered on a wide fake smile. "Positively thrilled to get to all the fucking."

"Oh don't bullshit a bullshitter, Dean. It doesn't suit you." Baz said behind his menu.

They were seated at a square table, Baz in the middle and Castiel and Dean sitting on either side of him. Dean made a point to look across to Cas as little as possible, while not reverting to down right ignoring him as he had done before.

"So Sammy's out for tonight." Baz said as he put his menu down. "Shame, really. I was looking forward to hounding him about old Cassie here."

Castiel shot him a look, a note of anger flashing in his eyes. "What is it you want to know about me Balthazar? I assure you, i can speak for myself."

"Its not as fun that way cousin." Baz turned his attention to Dean. "How long have you known Castiel, Dean?"

Dean felt his face get hot at the sudden change in the direction of their conversation and wasn't prepared to answer questions about his relationship with Castiel. He did his best to steel himself to whatever came out of Baz' mouth.

"Uh about a year or so." He pulled at the front of his shirt as he shifted in his seat, suddenly feeling very overheated.

"And you two work together now?" Baz asked, putting his hand up to signal their waiter.

Dean cleared his throat and shifted his eyes to Castiel who was looking at him with an inquisitive expression. "Uh- yeah. For a couple months now." Dean looked down into his menu and searched for the beer with the highest alcohol content. He was going to need to loosen up if he was going to get through this night without blushing every five goddamn seconds.

The waiter came over then and took their drink order. She was a tall woman, with a well proportioned hour glass figure. Her smile was bright and her hair was a deep onyx. Dean watched as Baz placed his hand over hers when he ordered and smiled at her like she was a cup of lemonade in the Sahara desert. She practically fell all over herself as she rushed to the bar to get their drinks.

Dean snickered as Cas shook his head and sighed at his cousin. "She is probably hyperventilating back there." Castiel looked annoyed but Dean sensed his friend's amusement as well. "She barely looks legal Balthazar."

"Ah barely legal is still legal Cassie." Baz quipped back.

Dean let out a soft chuckle and then hid behind his menu after seeing Cas' harsh glare. "Don't encourage him Dean."

Dean shrugged and made a face of innocence. They held each other's gaze for what seemed like a full minute and then pulled themselves away when the waitress brought them their drinks. Dean was grateful for the interruption, as his plan to keep his eyes to himself was going south very quickly.

Balthazar caught the look Castiel and Dean shared and looked between them a few times before thanking the waitress with another dazzling smile. She blushed and then took their dinner orders, before collecting the menus and walking away, an extra sway in her step Dean knew was for Balthazar.

Balthazar took another moment, his eyes flicking between his dinner companions before a smile flitted to his lips. Dean was wishing for his menu back so he could hide behind it when Castiel's irritated voice cut through the moment.

"What? Your little shit-eating grin is probably making Dean uncomfortable." Castiel chastised as he brought his beer to his lips. Dean only looked for a second before pulling his attention to his own beer and taking three rather generous gulps.

Balthazar let out a loud, gluttonous laugh. "Oh Cassie, I think Dean here is as comfortable as he is going to get considering the circumstances."

Dean felt the color drain from his face then and pushed his beer to his lips once more, grateful that there was at least that to hide behind. Castiel's eyes moved to his for a moment, confusion pulling at his brows, before rolling in Baz' direction. He sighed and sat back in his chair as if resigning himself to the evening before them.

Dean decided to just play the moment off as if there wasn't a mountain of subtext in that last sentence, and looked Balthazar dead on. "So, Baz, what do you do?"

"Photographer." He said with a smile.

"And your subjects?" Dean asked.

"Babies." Baz leaned over the table so that his face was as close to Dean's as he imagined Dean would let him get. "Fat, rich as fuck, babies."

Castiel let out a laugh and shook his head. "Good to see you've put your talent to good use."

"Don't judge me cousin, those yuppie parents will pay a ridiculous amount of money for a picture of their newborn sleeping on a fucking white carpet, with a fucking white bow, in their babies' nonexistent white hair." Balthazar took a long sip of his vodka. "Of course, i do on occasion do some very tasteful boudoir session for the mothers."

"Of course." Castiel agreed mockingly with a nod of his head.

Dean chuckled at Castiel's attitude and didn't even try to suppress the smile he had for the man. What was the point anymore? He knew nothing was going to happen, he knew he would never let anything happen, and he was fucking tired of suppressing his smiles for Cas.

It was exhausting.

He didn't however, like that Balthazar was enjoying the smile Dean gave Castiel. Dean pulled his lips into an annoyed frown, something he had seen on Sam a number of times and deemed 'bitch face.'

Balthazar chuckled. "Meow, darling. That's quite the look. I wonder what it would look like in the bedroom." He raised his eyebrows suggestively and gave Dean a sexy smile.

Dean rolled his eyes and shifted his gaze back to Castiel whose own expression had transitioned considerably. Dean couldn't be sure because he had never really seen Castiel angry, but he was almost positive he saw a violent storm in the blue of Castiel's irises. The look made Dean want to reach out and put his hand over Cas' and soothe him, but it also made him want to slam his mouth unforgivingly onto his and feel the storm for himself.

He shook the image from his head and thanked the god he didn't believe in when he saw the waitress bringing out their dinner.

Castiel's glare softened at the waitresses' approach and Dean could feel a layer of tension slip off of him. As the waitress placed each of their dinners in front of them, Balthazar continued to stare at Dean until he looked up at the waitress under his lashes.

"Thank you love, this looks positively scrumptious."

The waitress sputtered something about enjoying their dinner as she backed away, her face red and bright.

Balthazar dove into his food unceremoniously, looking up to the men after his first bite.

"So- you boys up for a bit of dancing after this? Or shall we burn off these calories another way?"

/

Dean was drunk. He knew this. He was drunk and he was high on Cas.

They had finished dinner and made their way to the club Baz had gotten them into, but not before Balthazar took their waitress aside to whisper something in her ear that caused her to blush a shade of red Dean wasn't sure there was a name for. He had to admit, Baz had some serious game.

Once they were inside the club, they were immediately assaulted by a steady beat of techno music and the pulsing lights of a disco ball and strobe lighting. This definitely wasn't his scene but he had promised Cas he would help him take Baz out, and this definitely seemed like the kind of place Balthazar would frequent.

He looked over to Castiel to find him looking just as uncomfortable and out of place as Dean, and he warmed even more to him. He leaned down so that his lips were close to Cas' ear, knowing he wouldn't hear him if he were any further away.

"This place blows."

He felt Cas shutter as Dean's breath hit his ear and Dean couldn't help but to delight in that. A crooked smile appeared on Cas' lips a second later and he turned his face so that their noses were merely inches apart. Dean let himself inhale Cas' scent again, fearing he wouldn't get another chance to be this close to him again. He was assaulted by something so fresh and light he wondered if that was what his particular brand of heaven would smell like.

Dean pulled back, keeping the small smile on his face as he did, and motioned to the bar against the wall. Castiel gave him an enthusiastic nod, his eyes wide in agreement. Balthazar was already on the dance floor, his body snug between two women in their early twenties. They were hot, and on any other night Dean would probably have tried to get a piece for himself, but tonight could be the only night he got Castiel to himself and he wanted to take full advantage of it.

They made their way over to the bar and ordered a couple shots of whiskey and two beers. Castiel pulled out his wallet and Dean made to stop him, but Castiel put his hand out. He let his fingers lay against Dean's chest lightly, and Dean felt his heart stutter to a stop and the music die out around him.

"As a thank you." Castiel shouted over the music, taking his hand off of Dean's chest and making Dean feel like a piece of him left as well. Cas gestured towards Baz who was still grinding on the dance floor. "For that."

Dean looked out at Castiel's cousin and laughed. He nodded and accepted the offer. "Thanks."

Dean and Cas took their shots quickly then picked up their beers and leaned against the bar. Dean looked at Castiel out of the side of his eyes. Cas was tilting his head like he does when he's confused and his eyes were squinted. Dean was grateful Cas decided not to wear the glasses tonight so that he would have a unhindered view of one of his favorite Cas expressions. It was just so fucking adorable it made Dean want to pull Cas into his arms and kiss the confusion right off his face.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

"I just don't see how something like that is enjoyable." Castiel tilted his head further as he took in the full range of motion of the dancers hips. "They...do seem to be enjoying it though."

"Yeah, its not really my thing either." Dean said with a nod and a sip of beer. He was feeling the affects of his beers at dinner and now the shot he just took. He was grateful for it though, he didn't like the nervous feeling he got when he was around Cas and sober.

"I wonder how long we have to stay here." Castiel questioned as he continued to watch Baz grind.

"Another shot?" Dean mused, his hands up in a 'why the hell not' kind of gesture.

"Please." Castiel smiled sweetly.

Dean put that smile on his list of things that were going to fuck him up royally and turned to get them another shot. He leaned over the bar as the bartender poured his shots, desperate to hide his face for just a moment while he regrouped from Cas' smile and the way it made him want to tear his own heart out.

When the bartender came back with his shots he thanked her and held out one for Cas to take.

Castiel reached for it slowly, his eyes on the dance floor and distracted. When their fingers met though, Dean felt a jolt of energy pass between them and he was sure he must have actually shocked Castiel. Cas looked over suddenly as well, and their eyes met in a heat wave of emotions. Dean could feel his pulse through his fingertips and he was fairly certain he could feel Castiel's as well. He knew he should pull back, he knew he should have let his grasp on the shot glass go once Cas had his fingers around it, but it felt like letting go would be releasing his hold on something precious, something he had never come close to touching before. He waited for Cas to pull the shot out of his hand but he didn't. He just stared up at Dean, a look of shock and what Dean was sure was fear in his eyes.

"Oh for fucks sake you two." Balthazar was there then, pulling the shot of whiskey out of their hands and downing it quickly. He looked between them again before rolling his eyes. "I came out to have fun tonight, not look at the pair of you eye fuck." He stepped between them and raised his hand up to the bartender to get her attention.

Castiel and Dean looked down to the floor. If they could see each other's complexion in the dim lighting they would have seen both of their cheeks flush with color. Dean had his hand behind his neck, pulling it down in a massaging motion when Castiel finally chanced a glance back up.

Dean could hear Balthazar ordering a large order of shooters and his eyes went wide as the bartender began unstacking shot glasses. She had at least ten in a row and began pouring a pink liquid into each of them.

Balthazar took four of them into his hands left the rest on the bar. "You two make quick work of these, or i swear to god i will come back here with those women and make you motorboat the fuck out of both of them."

Baz was gone then, leaving Castiel and Dean with six shooters of something Dean was sure he was going to hate. Castiel huffed in annoyance and glared at the retreating back of his cousin. Dean sighed in relief though, the shooters giving them something to do besides 'eye fuck' as Baz had put it.

"Sorry." Cas offered, but Dean just shrugged and pushed one of the shooters towards him with his pointer finger.

"Bottoms up...Cassie." He grinned wickedly, appreciating the scowl Castiel wore when Dean called him the nickname he despised.

"Don't ever call me that again." He was completely serious and it only made Dean smile wider as he took the first shooter down quickly. Castiel followed suit, grabbing a second shooter as soon as the first one was emptied and sucked it down as well.

"God, that's disgusting." Castiel grimaced.

"Mhmm." Dean responded through a frown of his own.

A silence settled between them then. It wasn't uncomfortable or awkward, despite being called out on their flirtation earlier. It was easy, as simple as breathing, which actually had become more difficult lately when he was around Castiel. The music blared around them as they both leaned against the bar, and Dean felt like he could feel the heat radiating off of Castiel's body beside him. It was like waves of energy that pushed out of his body and began sucking Dean in, pulling him closer. Dean did shuffle unconsciously closer to the other man, their arms eventually brushing against one another as they watched Baz make out with his dance partners.

Dean could feel the pressure of Castiel's eyes once more after a few more minutes of comfortable silence and he turned his head to face him. He raised his eyebrows as if an invitation to say whatever it was that was on his mind.

"So, I've been meaning to ask you," Castiel began, stepping closer to Dean so that he didn't have to shout and leaning his face in next to Dean's. "Did you talk to Bobby?"

He tried to keep himself on earth as he took in Castiel's proximity. It was nearly impossible, but Dean kept himself from turning into Cas' face. He also felt he should have been surprised Cas had brought up something so personal while they were in the middle of taking pussy shooters at a douchbag club, but he wasn't.

Dean pulled back so he could smile down at Cas and shook his head slightly before bringing his mouth down to Cas ear. "Yes, actually, I did."

Castiel pulled back and Dean could see his eye's were widened and his expression had turned eager. When Cas brought his face close again, his motion was clumsy from the alcohol and Dean felt Cas' stubble rub against his own for the briefest of seconds. "Really? How did it go?"

Dean couldn't help but love the concerned look on Castiel's face when he turned to look at him. He was genuinely interested in what was going on in Dean's life and it made Dean feel so much more than happy. What also made him happy was the fact that Dean had an excuse to keep bringing his face down to Castiel's, feel Castiel's breath on his ears and neck, reach across and place his hand on Castiel's arm as he spoke. The music was so loud, he had no choice but to be as close as possible.

"It went...well it went fucking great man. You were right." Castiel's smile turned into a wide toothy grin that sent Dean's stomach into his throat.

Cas pulled his lips down slightly before leaning in again, his voice was low and seductive and Dean shivered as Cas' lips grazed his earlobe. "Well, yes. Naturally."

"Smartass." Dean said as casually as he could manage, as his pants got tighter. He was thrilled he was getting this slice of heaven with Cas, but he also felt guilty at the same time. It was so easy to be around him, joke with him, tell him things, it made Dean forget that he needed to be more careful.

That's when it hit him.

He and Cas were friends.

He wasn't just Sammy's boyfriend anymore, Cas was Dean's friend too. It didn't matter than Dean wanted to bend the man over the bar and bite along his neck as he licked and fucked his way into getting Castiel to scream his name.

That was besides the point.

Castiel was his friend, and Dean was grateful and mournful at the same time.

The music changed then into something a little softer and it became unnecessary for them to speak so closely. They didn't move their bodies away from one another though, and Dean's hand was still placed strategically on the bar so that it was pushed against Castiel's arm.

"So, what are you going to do with all your free time? Pick up more shifts at the bar?" Castiel asked.

"Well, Charlie asked me to take one of her shifts so that she could attend more of her nerdy ass playgroup. But uh-" Dean shifted uncomfortably. He hadn't meant to share this bit of information but he felt like he could tell Cas anything and he was dying to tell someone.

Cas was his friend after all.

"My ex- uh my friend- is looking for a singer to sub for his band while their usual singer is out having a baby."

Castiel's eyes widened. "Really?"

Dean wanted to kiss that eager face off of him. "Yeah- Benny said i could start practicing with them next week."

Castiel's eyes narrowed for a moment before straightening out once more. "That's sounds wonderful Dean. Are you excited? This is something you want?"

"Oh yeah- i mean, i always wanted to do more with music but i just never had the time to devote to it...seems like the perfect time i guess."

"Well that's- that's great Dean, I'm really happy for you." Castiel's smile faltered for a second and he looked down at the shots still waiting for them on the bar. Dean could tell he was considering something before he found the younger man looking up at him through his lashes, a shy expression on his face.

"What?" Dean asked.

Castiel shifted uncomfortably and swallowed hard. Dean watched as the man's adam's apple bobbled and he wondered what it would feel like against his tongue. As if Castiel heard his thoughts, his own tongue flicked out and soothed the cut on his lip once more. Dean couldn't take his eyes of the motion, his head swimming with thoughts of how he got the cut and what it would taste like.

"Well, its just that...forgive me for prying Dean but a moment ago you began saying that Benny was an ex...and then you quickly changed that to friend." He was looking up at Dean as he spoke but then pulled away his gaze, as he took in Dean's stunned reaction.

"Oh..well..I..." Dean's hand was on the back of his neck, and he saw Castiel's lips twitch slightly.

"Never mind, i shouldn't have-" Castiel took a step back.

"No its okay." Dean blurted out before he had a chance to stop himself. "Yes, Benny is my ex."

Castiel blinked forcefully at his confession, his mouth slightly agape. Dean looked down to his two shots and took one quickly, smacking his lips dramatically after he swallowed it down.

When he finally spoke Castiel did his best to keep himself from sounding too interested. "Is your sexuality something you like to keep secret?"

Dean stared down at Castiel for a moment before shrugging. "Not really. Its just not something i feel compelled to talk about. I don't think straight people have to come out as straight to their families and friends. Why should i have to tell people i play for both teams? I've never lied about it, and i sleep with who ever i want to sleep with."

"I see." Castiel licked his lips again. Dean tried not to watch as attentively as he had before. "Does Sam know?"

"I don't know." Dean answered. "I usually try to stick to women when i'm around him...i don't know why. Maybe just so we aren't in competition with each other." He let out a shaky laugh and Castiel made a nervous sounding chuckle as well.

"Thank you for telling me Dean." Castiel finally said, after a long silence.

Dean nodded and smiled. He pulled his last shot into his hand and pushed Castiel's last shot towards him. He motioned his glass upwards in a cheers position.

"To watching your cousin acquire multiple STDs tonight, and hopefully not getting any of our own." Castiel laughed at that and picked up his shot glass to clink against Dean's. They both slung their heads back as they took down the sugary drink and gasped as they slammed their glasses back down on the bar at the same time.

Their eyes found each other again, and with the liquor making its charge through his veins, Dean was powerless to fight the impulse to hold Castiel's gaze once more. They stared at each other for a long moment before he felt something simmering beneath him, roaring to a steady bubble until finally spilling out of him in the form of loud barking laughter.

Castiel looked shocked for a moment before his lips began to quiver and he joined Dean in the side splitting moment that made it apparent that neither of them were sober anymore. Dean reached his arm out to Castiel's shoulder as he doubled over, heaving and trying to catch his breath. Cas put his hand over Dean's forearm as he straightened up, his own outburst calming into a wide gummy grin.

Dean couldn't be sure why it was laughter that poured out of him in that moment, he just knew that he was overwhelmed by a multitude of emotions and laughter was the only one his body would follow through on. Castiel, it seemed was happy to go a long with Dean's whim, and his eyes were brighter than Dean had ever seen them before.

It was suddenly impossible not to feel the immense shock of feeling skin on skin, as Cas' hand still remained on Dean's forearm. Dean noticed his hand was smooth, not calloused from years of working under cars like his were, and he wondered what it would feel like against his face. His eyes flicked down to Cas' hand and then back up to the deep blues of Castiel's eyes.

And there they were again.

Dean wondered if they would always end up just staring at each other, neither of them willing or able to do anything else. Suddenly his heart ached and Dean let his hand drop from Castiel's shoulder, brushing Cas' hand with his own for the briefest of moments while they untangled.

"Do you-" Castiel stepped forward slightly but was quickly interrupted by Balthazar pulling both of his arms around the men's shoulders.

"Alright! Time to go boys." His voice was hurried and he was looking over his shoulder.

"What did you do?" Castiel said in a voice Dean's dick was unprepared for and he felt it twitch in his pants.

"Oh...nothing really, just sort of maybe tongue fucked the lovely blonde over there, only to find her husband unamused at the sight." He answered quickly, ushering them towards the exit.

Dean and Cas made eye contact under Baz' hold and burst into laughter once more, Dean hitting his knees as he walked and Castiel holding his side.

"Oh i see you two took care of those shots. Delightful!"

Once they were out onto the street Baz let go of Dean and Cas. They stumbled together like magnets and crashed into each other, causing them to laugh even harder as their hands found the each other's arms and held on.

"Oh good lord, either you two have the tolerance of a middle schooler or you seriously need more amusement in your lives." Balthazar had his hands on his hips as he watched Dean and Cas laughing, their eyes watery and locked on each other. They stumbled together, neither of them sure who was off balance since their hands were still latched on to the biceps of the other.

"Wait!" Balthazar approached them quickly. "Sshh!" He put his hand over both of their mouths and Castiel flicked his tongue out to lick him, to which Baz grimaced and slapped his face and Dean giggled uncontrollably.

"Will you two just-" Balthazar's eyes widened slightly as he listened for whatever it was that had caught his attention. Slowly, a sly grin formed on his face and he looked back to the pair of drunken fools who were staring at him curiously.

"Oh boys, the night is young!" He pulled them down the sidewalk, linking his arms with theirs. "The night is young!"


	12. Fooling Myself

Castiel wasn't sure which was worse, that he was with out a doubt absolutely smitten with Dean Winchester, or that he was fairly positive that Dean had feelings for him too.

Balthazar had led them to a karaoke bar down the street. He had heard a girl singing britney spears and said it was like a homing missile. He claimed girls who sang Britney Spears in karaoke bars rarely had much self respect. Castiel didn't really understand that logic, and since he wouldn't have been able to pick out a Britney Spears song with a gun to his head, he felt stupid walking into the bar that night, despite his heightened intoxication.

Balthazar immediately made a beeline for the sign up sheet and Castiel knew that would lead to things that would require more alcohol consumption. He pulled Dean with him to the bar by his arm and wedged them between a group of people loitering unnecessarily.

"You're supposed to order, get, and go! Order, get, and go damnit!" Dean yelled at the small group which included a few Castiel was sure weren't legally allowed to be in the bar. He snickered at Dean's outburst and ordered them a couple of beers.

"Do you think he is going to make us sing?" Cas asked as he took a sip from his beer.

"Probably." Dean shook his head and put his hand on Castiel's shoulder. "Buck up, I'm sure your voice isn't that bad." He teased.

Castiel huffed. "I guess we will see."

Balthazar found them then and stole Castiel's beer from his hand. Castiel balked but didn't try to take it back, instead he stole Dean's instead.

"Hey!" Dean yelled and tried to look put out, but couldn't manage it with the easy smile he wore just for Cas.

"For saying my voice is bad." Castiel shrugged and took a sip of Dean's beer.

Balthazar watched the exchange and chuckled to himself. "Buckle your seatbelt Cassie, you're about to have a hell of a ride."

"Huh?" Castiel turned to Balthazar and scrunched his face in confusion.

The DJ was at the microphone then and was announcing the next person to the stage.

"Alright, we've got uh...Dean 'the sex god' Winchester." The DJ chuckled slightly under his breath.

Balthazar's smile turned up into a full on wicked grin and Castiel's eyes widened. "Baz!" He chastised and quickly looked to Dean who looked a combination of shocked and amused.

"Well, i'm going to be needing this back then." Dean put his hand over Castiel's to slip his beer from the writers grip. He leaned in close enough for Castiel to smell the whiskey on Dean's breath. "Liquid courage."

Castiel's breath caught in his throat and let Dean take the beer. He watched as the elder Winchester made his way to the stage and looked at the screen on the floor that showed the lyrics to the song he would be singing. Cas saw his eyes light up and then searched the crowd for Castiel, his face combination of embarrassment and elation.

Castiel returned his smile easily and prepared himself for the incoming assault of hormones that were sure to be thrown at him the moment Dean opened his mouth to sing.

Balthazar kept his eyes on Castiel as the song began to play. Castiel thought he recognized the heavy rock tune, but full realization at what song Baz had chosen for Dean, didn't hit him right away.

 _Midnight gettin' uptight where are you_  
 _You said you'd meet me now it's quarter to two_  
 _I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you_

Despite Dean's heavy intoxication, his voice was tuned perfectly. It was a sexy rasp of chords and Castiel's heart began to pound as it dawned on him the song Dean was singing.

 _Hey Jack it's a fact they're talkin' in town_  
 _I turn my back and you're messin' around_  
 _I'm not getting jealous don't I like lookin' like a clown_

 _I think of you every night and day_  
 _You took my heart then you took my pride away_

Castiel was entrapped by the way Dean held the microphone to his lips and swung his hips in beat with the song. He came alive on stage and Castiel knew Dean was going to be great in his friend's band. His voice continued to send shivers down Cas spine and he found himself unable to look away until the full weight of the songs meaning hit him like a brick to his gut.

 _I hate myself for loving you_  
 _Can't break free from the the things that you do_  
 _I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why_  
 _I hate myself for loving you_

He pulled his eyes away from Dean who was closing his eyes and belting out the chorus like a pro. Castiel stared at his cousin then, taking in the knowing smile Balthazar wore and let out a loud exhale. "You..?" Castiel trailed off, completely unwilling to finish his question the moment be began asking it.

"Oh yes, cousin. I pegged Dean's major heart on for you the moment i laid eyes on the pair of you." Balthazar let his eyes travel up to Dean who was making his way through the second verse of the song. "You however, i wasn't so sure. You can be so hard to read sometimes Cassie." Balthazar laughed.

Castiel couldn't help himself from looking back up to Dean as he began to sing the chorus again.

"But I knew that there isn't a single person alive that can hide their true feelings for someone when they watch them sing." Balthazar crooned into his cousins ear. "And you Castiel, you're positively drooling at Sam's big brother up there."

"Shut up." Castiel said in a threatening tone that Balthazar didn't bat an eye at.

"Oh, come now Cassie. Who could blame you?" Balthazar motioned towards Dean who was finishing up the song. "Honestly, the man is something...what is it about him?"

They both turned to look at Dean once more, taking in the last bars of the song.

 _I hate myself for loving you_  
 _Can't break free from the the things that you do_  
 _I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why_  
 _I hate myself for loving you_

 _I hate myself_  
 _For loving you_  
 _I hate myself_  
 _I hate myself for loving you_

The crowd roared as Dean finished up and made a dramatic bow, his smile so wide Castiel couldn't help but wear one as well. Dean worked his way through the crowd, receiving multiple pats on the back and pulls on his arm by girls as he went. He stumbled forward just as he was reaching Castiel and Balthazar and Cas instinctively put out his arms to steady him, even though he was in no position to help anyone with their balance either. He did manage to stay upright though and straightened himself out as Dean did his best to pull his body back to himself.

"My, My Dean Winchester, that was positively riveting." Balthazar said with a wide smile. "Cassie here couldn't take his eyes off of you."

Dean's eye lids were heavy with alcohol but when he heard Balthazar's words they perked up and a lazier version of his easy smile graced his lips. "Oh yeah? What are you going to sing Cas?" He asked casually, handing his beer to Castiel to let him have a sip.

Castiel gave him a dirty look. "Nothing. I will be singing nothing." He took the beer and took a long sip. "Thank you."

Castiel wasn't sure, but it was obvious he was better off than Dean on their current state of intoxication by the way Dean was swaying in place, his eyes droopy with sleep.

"Don't let him fool you, Cassie here can sing a mean Frank Sinatra."

Dean perked up again. "I think i'd like to see that." He stumbled forward slightly and placed his hand on Castiel's arm. "Sing for me Cas."

Castiel had no intention of singing, despite how high his heart soared when Dean asked him to. He gave the drunken Winchester a smile. "Not going to happen. Sorry."

Dean stuck his nose up and his tongue out at Castiel's dissent which made Cas laugh and sent Dean into a giggle fit.

"Oh Lord, the giggle twins are back." Balthazar rolled his eyes and looked down at his watch. "You know what., that waitress is off around now. I think i'll stop by." He gave them both a wink and was gone before Castiel had a chance to say anything.

Dean watched as Balthazar left and then turned back to Castiel, gesturing to himself. "Was it something i said?" The slur in his voice had gotten that much worse and Castiel couldn't help but find it absolutely adorable.

"No, he went to go pick up that waitress." He placed his hand on Dean's shoulder after finishing the beer in his hand. He was just barely more sober than Dean, and knew it was only a matter of time before he got to the point of no return. " Perhaps it would be a good idea to head home."

Dean stared back him, still swaying in place slightly and nodded slowly.

"Okay then." Castiel placed the bottle of beer on the bar and led them out to the street.

Dean snaked his arm in the crook of Castiel's elbow and leaned on him as Castiel hailed a cab towards them. In the blur of whiskey, sugared vodka, and beer, Castiel didn't think twice before pulling his arm up and around Dean's back, allowing Dean the opportunity to rest his head on his shoulder. He turned his head into Dean's so he could inhale the perfect scent he knew was waiting for him. As the cab approached, Castiel walked them forwards, keeping a strong grip on his friend and doing his best to look as sober as possible.

"Where to?" The cab driver yelled through the window.

Castiel thought about that, he didn't know where Dean lived and Dean was nearly passed out on his shoulder. He gave the cab driver his address and helped Dean into the cab before climbing in himself. Just as he was adjusting in his seat, Dean came crashing down on him, his head sliding down his chest and falling into his lap.

Castiel could hear Dean mumble something into his thigh as he adjusted his position to be more comfortable. Castiel felt his heart jumping out of his chest as he watched Dean's chest rise and fall beneath him.

Dean had one hand under his own chest and the other next to his face, resting on Castiel's thigh. His eyes were closed and Castiel was close enough to see the way his eyelashes fanned over his freckled cheeks. His breath caught in his chest as he took in the beauty of the man laying on him, and a twinge of guilt pushed through his foggy brain. He knew he shouldn't let him lay there, but at the same time, he knew if they were merely friends, he wouldn't go through the trouble of moving him.

Castiel couldn't figure out what to do with his hands as the cab pulled away and began moving towards his apartment. He laid his head against the back of his seat in exhaustion and found his hands finding their way to Dean's upper arm and head. Without his knowledge, his fingers began pulling their way through Dean's hair, carefully massaging and caressing as they moved. When he realized what he was doing, he stopped immediately, his hand completely frozen for a moment.

When they began to caress through Dean's hair again, it was because Castiel purposely moved them. He decided that he would never get the opportunity to be so close, to share something so intimate with Dean that wasn't overtly cheating, and he wanted that experience. He let his fingers glide through Dean's hair, enjoying the silky smooth texture of his scalp along the pads of his fingertips. Castiel let out a long breath as he watched his fingers make patterns in Dean's hair, and heard Dean let out a pleasurable sigh. The sound was probably one of the most beautiful things Castiel had ever heard and found himself bending down and placing his lips to Dean's temple.

Dean's body stiffened slightly under his kiss, but Castiel didn't notice.

He held his lips against the hair on Dean's temple for a few seconds, giving himself over to his weakness in this moment, and then pulled back to sit up straight again. Castiel leaned his head back on the backseat, letting out a sigh he was sure told the cab driver a story he didn't want him to know. His fingers continued to move through Dean's hair absently before closing his eyes, seeing only green when he did.

 _August 8 2010_

 _Why did i have to kiss him? Thankfully, i think he was too out of it to realize what i had done._

 _He was gone this morning before i woke up and Sam said he was acting weird though. I told him how drunk Dean was so hopefully his behavior can be explained away by the hangover that is now making my head feel like the size of a semi-truck._

 _What does acting weird mean? Pissed off? Ready to tell his brother that his boyfriend maybe sort of happens to have feelings for him? What the fuck am i doing?_

 _WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?_

 _Why cant i get him out of my head? He is so far under my skin i don't think i'll ever shake him. I just...and last night i know he was there with me. I may have the social capacity of a thimble but Dean was practically wearing a sign that said "Please Fuck Me Senseless.' Add that to his apparent bisexuality, and i am so screwed i cant even think straight anymore._

 _Maybe some time apart would help, maybe if i just don't see him for awhile i can think clearly for a change and get my head on straight. I think...i think that is the only option here. I can not lose Sam._

 _I cant lose the one person who has loved me...the way ive always wanted to be loved._

Castiel switched shifts with Charlie so that he only would see Dean once a week, Thursday nights. The first time seeing him after their night out with Balthazar, Castiel was relieved to find that Dean acted relatively normal. He apologized for how drunk he got and for making Castiel basically carry him into the house and Cas just waved him away. They had fun bartending that night, cracking jokes and carrying on like they hadn't basically gone on a date the week before.

It was toturous for him, seeing Dean only once a week, but he knew he was doing the right thing.

 _August 21 2010_

 _Nickel Creek has a song that goes "With you here, i am strong - no sign of weakness. With you gone, baby Im hanging by a thread."_

 _For me, its the opposite. With you gone, i can breathe again. I feel in control of myself and the choices i make. With you next to me- breathing into my hair, your knee grazing mine...im nothing but weak. No sign of strength. My mind roams immediately to what your mouth would feel like on mine. What your hands would feel like on my face. My heart jumps out of my chest worried that i actually just kissed you._

 _I never do, and i never will._

 _Sometimes i think you hear my heart pounding and purposely soothe it with your inviting smile. Sometimes i think the look in your eyes, the look i think is reserved for me, tells me you are just as lost as i am._

 _I think sometimes about if we were standed on an island, how long it would be before we gave in. How long would it be before we found comfort in each others arms. Then of course i imagine that Sam would find us, never stopping until he does, and then we would be forced to separate._

 _Our hearts heavy with the love of another,_

 _Our minds darkened with thoughts of the water._

Despite his mind telling him how stupid he was, Castiel took Dean up on his offer to stay and have a few drinks at the bar one Thursday night after they closed up. Castiel was sitting cross legged on the bar, a glass of whiskey in his hands, and Dean was leaning against the wall next to the row of liquor.

Dean had said something funny and Castiel laughed and then they were staring at each other. Their eyes locked and neither of them looked away. There was no one there to pretend for, except each other.

Then Dean did something, that Castiel never thought him capable of.

"Cas, i think we should talk." Dean said quietly, finally pulling his eyes away from the gorgeous man sitting just above him.

Castiel felt his stomach flip, his skin begin to heat, as his mind began to race. The tone of Dean's voice, and the way he was suddenly unable to meet Castiel's eyes, made him believe that this conversation was going to be about something he was entirely unprepared to talk about.

But it struck him then, that this was probably the smartest thing that they could do. They were adults, not pimply teenagers unable to have a mature conversation. The topic was extremely delicate sure, but their situation was dire, and neither of them wanted to hurt Sam- or lose each other. It was the kind of conversation Castiel had read about in old english novels and believed never could have taken place, but knew it was exactly what they needed.

Castiel tried to speak but found his voice had disappeared. His inability to speak shut down his confidence quickly and when he cleared his throat to try again, he chickened out of the direct approach.

"What about?"

Dean could tell that Castiel knew exactly what Dean wanted to talk about. He was annoyed that he was going to have to spell it out for the man. He let out a long sigh and finally brought his eyes up to Cas'. "I think you know man."

Castiel swallowed and looked down at his whiskey. He thumbed the rim a few times before mentally giving up and saying fuck it.

"You want to talk about us...our relationship." Castiel said firmly, still looking down into his glass.

"Yeah." Dean paused then, and Castiel didn't have the nerve to look up. He just waited for him to speak. "What...what is this?"

Castiel looked up then. His eyes were narrowed and his head tilted slightly in the way that made Dean want to cry. "You gotta stop doin' that man!" He blurted out, his voice raised.

Castiel looked taken back and blinked a few times in shock before evening out his expression.

"Stop doing what Dean?"

"The adorable little confused puppy thing that you do." Dean looked down at his hands and shook his head. "I cant..." He trailed off, unable to continue.

"Okay." Castiel said quietly before looking back down to his glass. He brought it to his lips and took a large gulp.

A long silence.

"Cas," Dean said then, his voice a combination of a pleading and warning. "I don't know how to do this, I-I'm not really the 'talk about your feelings' type."

Castiel nodded and took in a sharp breath. "i'm not exactly an expert on the subject either Dean."

Dean looked up at his friend then and smiled. He knew it was true. Castiel was not the emotional type either, he was just better about speaking his mind. Cas probably didnt know anymore than he did about what was going on between them. "True."

Another long pause.

"I suspect if we are going to get anywhere in this conversation, one of us should say something."

Castiel finally said, letting out an exasperated breath and jumping down from the bar. He was careful to keep his distance though and leaned against the side of the bar.

Dean raised his eyebrows and nodded. He lifted his hand out in a gesture, "The floor is yours Cas."

"Why should i have to go first?" Castiel demanded.

"Because...because this is your fault!" Dean spit out. "Because, i don't know! You walked into Ellen's house and...fuck!" Dean had his hands on his hips and he was shaking his head.

"My fault?" Castiel said slowly, as if playing with the truth of the statement. It was true he had blamed himself for a very long time about his feelings for Dean. But their current situation wouldn't be as problematic if Dean didn't so obviously return his affections.

"I don't think that is entirely accurate Dean. I am willing to take blame for this, because God knows- i fuck up enough for it to be my fault. But...you cant honestly say you haven't played a part in our situation."

Dean sighed and looked up to meet Cas' gaze. He didn't look angry, he only looked concerned and afraid. "I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"Its fine. I understand." Cas cut him off, not wanting Dean to apologize anymore. "Listen, Dean...the most important thing for me...is not to hurt Sam. I love him."

"I know that. I do- i can tell how much he means to you. And I do too, he's my brother."

They kept their eyes aligned and Castiel found himself stepping forward, his foot moving without permission. "But...i would be dishonest in saying that i didn't care for you as well."

Dean felt like he was hit with a anvil and floating off to heaven simultaneously. He wanted to speak but couldn't do much more than nod. It occurred to him that this may be the last time he was going to let himself look at Cas this long, and he began to put every detail of his face to memory.

"Our situation is impossible, i know." Castiel continued. "But, i must admit, i do not wish to lose you as my friend, despite whatever other feelings we harbor for one another."

Dean kept his eyes moving along Castiel's face, memorizing every inch of his skin. When he realized Castiel was waiting for him to say something, Dean nodded again. "Yeah- no, i don't want that either."

Castiel finished his whiskey and placed it behind him on the bar. He crossed his arms across his chest and tilted his head for the slightest of moments before correcting it.

"Do you think i should stop working here?" Castiel asked.

"No." Dean answered immediately, blushing slightly. "I-I don't want that. Do you want that?"

"No." Castiel said firmly.

"Okay. Good." Dean took a sip of his own whiskey that was warming in his hands. "So. What now?"

"I guess we should just be more conscious of our actions from now on." Castiel said smoothly. "Try not to engage in any behaviors that would make it difficult for us to..." He trailed off, not wanting to put a name to what it was their behaviors would lead to.

"Right." Dean said quietly. "No more staring contests."

"No more lingering smiles." Castiel added.

"No more confused Cas looks." Dean challenged, his voice shaking slightly. He could feel his body heating up, the look in Cas' eye giving him strength and tearing him down at the same timee.

"No more touching my shoulder." Cas stepped forward. His eyes flicked down to Dean's lips for a second before steeling themselves to green.

"No more licking your bottom lip." Dean stood up straighter.

Castiel's lips twitched.

"No more serenading me via karaoke bars."

The corners of Dean's mouth turned up for a moment before pulling down into a serious expression. The moment had changed into something else and neither of them knew how to stop it. They wanted to, they both wanted nothing more than to walk away from this as innocent men. But their mouths kept opening, and their feet kept moving.

"No more caressing my hair." Dean stepped away from the wall.

"No more falling asleep in my lap." Castiel moved another step closer. They were inches a part now.

Dean paused and took another step, his chest brushing against Castiel's and his breath hot on the younger man's face.

"No more kissing me while you think i'm asleep."

Castiel could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Dean was right there, their mouths were so close he could practically taste him already. Their eyes darted around each other's faces, eye to eye, eyes to lips, eye to eye again. The heat from their exchanged was radiating off of both of them and it took every ounce of strength both of them possessed not to take that final step. They stood there, breathing the same air, not moving a single muscle until finally, Dean stepped back.

Castiel quickly followed suit, and they had the space of the bar between them once more.

"I guess we can add no more heated exchanges or arguments to that list." Castiel said casually.

Dean stared at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. Castiel joined him and they were both doubled over and gasping for breath after a few minutes.

After their laughter had died down, Castiel spoke first after a comfortable silence broke out.

"I'd like to be your friend Dean." He said it shyly, as if he didn't know how Dean would reply.

Dean gave Cas the smile that still made Castiel weak in the knees. "Yeah Cas, I'd like that too."

Dean extended his hand and Castiel took it without a moments pause.

"I think as long as we are careful, we will be fine." Castiel said, pumping his hand with Dean's once before dropping it.

"I think you're right Cas." He smiled again. "I'm glad we did this."

Castiel returned his friend's easy smile. "Me too Dean."

They spent that fall only seeing each other once a week. It was difficult for Castiel at first, he was desperate to drop in to see Dean while he was working, or stay late after his shift to have a beer, but he didn't. He noticed a changed in Dean's behavior right away, although he doubted anyone else did. Dean was much more cautious with his eyes, never letting himself look at Castiel for too long. In fact, Castiel began to count whenever they made eye contact and found that Dean looked away after exactly three seconds every single time. It was as if Dean was counting in his head to remind himself to look away. Castiel was grateful that Dean was being more in control of himself, as it made it easier for him to do the same.

The thing that surprised Castiel the most, was that with more distance- the closer Dean and Castiel got. Their relationship stopped being defined by their attraction to one another and by a real friendship. Dean talked to Castiel about his gigs with the band, and Cas was the first person he told when he took over as the lead singer for Benny's band for good. Castiel talked to Dean about his book and his current struggles with writers block. They bonded over American poets that Castiel never knew Dean enjoyed. They even decided to both read Leaves of Grass at the same time, and began discussing what they thought as they served drinks to their customers every week. Sam made fun of them for what he called their old lady book club, but Castiel could tell it made Sam happy that his brother and boyfriend were getting so close.

They were careful not to touch, not to indulge in anything that could send them back to the torturous abyss that was their life just a few months earlier. When they worked behind the bar, it only took them two shifts before their bodies naturally began to gravitate around each other instead of into each other. It was if their bodies understood what they needed from one another and made it so.

 _October 31st 2010_

 _Things have been better. Easier._

 _Dr. Metron says i've made a good choice by distancing myself from Dean, and was impressed by our conversation. When I'm with Dean now, there are of course still times when i feel the earth shake around us but now...now Dean is my friend as well as Sam's brother._

 _Being his friend has brought me more happiness the last few months than i think i've ever experienced before. Without the long stares and light touches, i feel like i can finally really see him. I already knew how incredible he was just by the way Sam talked about him, or by the way he makes me feel when i'm around him. And now, i have seen for myself, over and over what makes Dean such an amazing person._

 _Sam doesn't know this, but Dean has been giving Bobby whatever left over money he has to help Bobby send Jo to college. Apparently Ellen had a scare with cancer a few years ago and the medical bills took most of their money. Dean doesn't want anyone to know, but he took a few shifts at the car shop again, so that he could make enough to help out._

 _He told me though. He told me because he needed someone to talk to. He needed someone, and he chose me. I've never been someone's confidant before. He trusts me._

 _I know that Sam trusts me as well. But there is something different about the fact that its Dean. Dean telling me things, Dean and I forming a bond that i wouldn't give up for the world._

 _Our relationship is so much bigger now...so much more._

 _I am so glad that we talked, i cant imagine what my life would be like with out him in it._

 _I couldn't lose him before because i wanted him, because it felt like the universe was pushing us together and i had no will to fight it. But now, now i cant lose him because... because i need him. I need him like i need oxygen or my own heartbeat._

 _I need him._

 _I love him._

 _I love Dean._

 _Maybe becoming friends wasn't the best idea after all._


	13. Wicked Game

_November 15th 2010_

 _I always believed you could only love one person at a time. If you truly loved the first person, you wouldn't fall in love with the second._

 _Well i now i know that's bullshit._

 _Its fucking bullshit because here i am._

 _Its a lie because I know with out a doubt that i love Sam Winchester. I love him deeply and completely._

 _I love Sam so much that it physically makes me sick to admit this...but i love his brother too._

 _I love Dean. I love him and i cant stop. It wont stop. No matter what i do. It wont stop. And i never stopped loving Sam. I love them both. God I fucking love them both._

 _This is...impossible this is fucking impossible._

Castiel slumped against the worn fabric on the couch in his therapists office. His finger nails scraped across the ridges in the upholstery and made an unpleasant sound that helped drown out the screams in his head.

He had just told his therapist he was in love with Dean, and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably. Dr. Metron handed him a box of tissues he kept next to the sofa and sat down next to him, not touching him, but soothing him with quiet words of encouragement. When Castiel finally settled down, his eyes not dry but no longer weeping, he couldn't find the words he knew his doctor was patiently waiting for.

After a long minute of fidgeting with the sofa, Castiel eventually let out a loud exhale and threw his head back to rest on the back of the couch.

"Do you wish to continue today?" His doctor said kindly as he walked back over to his large arm chair that sat across from the couch.

Castiel shrugged . "It doesn't matter."

"It does Castiel."

"Nothing matters." Castiel mumbled between his lips.

"I don't think you really feel that way." Dr. Metron said firmly, but softly.

"I don't want to feel anything."

"That may be true, but it doesn't change the situation you have found yourself in."

"I'm a fucking idiot."

"Why ?"

Castiel huffed out a groan and pulled his head up to face his therapist.

"Because i let it happen. You told me...you said...and i didn't listen. I didn't fucking listen." Castiel shook his head and then buried it into his hands. "I don't deserve either of them."

"Have you spoke to Dean again? About how you feel?"

"No!" Castiel shouted as he looked back up, before quickly lowering his voice back down to an appropriate level. "He...we said we were going to let this die. So he did. He doesn't need this."

"It may be-"

"No." Castiel shook his head again. "It will just make things so much worse."

"And you are still committed to Sam?"

"Yes." Castiel answered without a second thought. "Always."

"Castiel, let me ask you something." Dr. Metron leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs. "Why do you love Sam?"

Castiel scrunched his face in confusion and found himself tilting his head in the way he had been so careful to avoid lately. "Why?"

"Yes."

He thought about that for a moment. He let his head drop back to the couch and he looked up to the ceiling to a blank canvas of white. It made him think of his relationship with Sam, how they ended up where they were. Sam came into his life at a time when he really needed someone, and he fell hard and fast. He sometimes wondered if he would have fallen for anyone who was willing to date him at that time, but he shook the thought away. It wasn't just that Sam wanted him, it was that a man like Sam wanted him.

"He's good." He finally said before looking back to Dr. Metron. "Sam is...Sam is kind and generous with his love. He is a devoted brother and friend. He is the kind of man that gets seven people clamoring to read his eulogy at his funeral." He laughed softly.

"I honestly cant find a single significant flaw in him." Castiel sighed. "I don't know how he loves me. I don't deserve him."

Dr. Metron just stared at Castiel, his eyes urging him to continue.

When Castiel just sighed again and laid his head back, his therapist leaned back in his chair as well. He wrote down something in his steno pad then placed his hands in his lap.

"And Dean?" His voice cut through the masochistic thoughts Castiel tossed violently around his head. "Why do you love Dean?"

Castiel's head shot back up and his eyes widened for an instant, as if the fact that he loved Dean had just been exposed to the world and he was preparing his defense. He relaxed considerably when he remembered how safe his secrets were when he was in this room.

"Dean? God...I..." Castiel inhaled sharply and his breath shook as he let it out.

Loving Dean was something that at first he believed snuck up on him, but now knew it was always there. He never believed in love at first sight, he didn't believe in soul mates. Looking back now though, he could recognize that the moment he met Dean, it was like meeting a piece of himself. When he looked into his eyes for the very first time, he saw himself in them. He didn't realize it at the time, he didn't know what was happening to him, but now that he has allowed himself to fully embrace his feelings for Dean, now he knows that he loved him all along. He loved him the moment he laid eyes on him.

"Loving Dean was out of my control." Castiel finally said, a whimper in his voice. "You said it was...i know you said it was just a crush...but it...it never was that." He closed his eyes, feeling the hot heat behind them once more. "It was always bigger than that."

"I see." Dr. Metron said softly. "But its important, Castiel, that you say _why_ it is you love him."

Castiel narrowed his eyes at his therapist as if challenging the statement.

"Trust me." His doctor said confidently, with a light smile.

Castiel's eyes began to dance around the room at the thought of having to put into words the way he felt about Dean, and why. He didn't know, it wasn't as easy as his feeling for Sam It wasn't that simple.

"I don't know." He blurted out in irritation, his hands slamming against the cushions of the couch. "I don't know! WHy do I love him? God- I ... its something i cant control okay...when i look at him i feel like my entire world makes sense. When i feel his hands on me i get this overwhelming sensation like i could fly or melt or do both at the exact same time. His eyes...i know its going to sound ridiculous but i swear he can see my soul..and I his."

Dr Metron stayed quiet, coaxing Castiel to continue through his silence.

"He is just this force, this unrelenting force that pulls me so far out of myself, so far out of anything i've ever felt or experienced or even heard anyoneelse describe. When i'm with him its like i cant breathe, i cant think, i cant do anything but wonder if my heart is actually going to burst out of my chest and land at his feet. I feel like i'm dying...my whole existence...its completely wrapped up in him." He felt the tears rolling down his face again, but he kept himself from sobbing outright. "He's self-depricating and strong, he's wonderfully stubborn and smarter than he knows, he sacrifces his own happiness for everyone else, he drinks too much probably but i dont care. I dont care about anything when im with him except the flecks of gold in his perfectly green eyes, or the way the lines around his eyes define when he looks at me. I love him because...because he is everything to me."

"I cant do this. I cant. I-I don't know what to do." Castiel was almost whispering then, his voice defeated and sad. "Tell me what to do."

His doctor sighed softly before opening his mouth to speak. "Castiel. I am sorry that you are going through something as tremendously difficult as this."

"I must say though, that you are handling it as well as can be expected of you."

Castiel let out a low huff of laughter and sat up straighter on the couch.

"After hearing you talk about each of the men in your life, I feel i have a better understanding of your current emotional attachments." He continued. "Your love for Sam, is pure Castiel. I believe you love him because you believe him to be the ultimate goal. You have always wanted a family of your own, a partner who wouldn't leave you, who would love you unconditionally. Sam fits that role. Sam is the kind of man you could spend your entire life with, and know you would never be alone. You love Sam because you love the idea of a man like that, loving you in return."

Castiel furrowed his brow as he listened, he began to pick at the hem of his shirt nervously.

"Dean, however, I believe you love him because its impossible for you not to. Your love for him is consuming and i think its ability to give you strength and also tear you down is a testimate to how strong that love is. That kind of love, the earth shaking- mind numbing love you say you feel for Dean, it can destroy you if its not acted upon."

Castiel eyes darted up and his face contorted in shock.

His therapist raised a hand as if to calm him as he continued. "I am not suggesting you give in to your feelings for Dean. I am saying that you have two choices, if you want to maintain a decent level of sanity. 1.) You can end your relationship with Sam, and pursue a relationship with Dean. 2.) You and Sam can continue your relationship and you will need to cut all ties to Dean."

"You can not expect to continue this friendship, and have it not end in cheating or a mental breakdown." Dr. Metron explained. "I know you do not wish to hurt Sam, but there are times that you need to think of your own health, and the current life you are leading will only end in more heartache."

Castiel's mouth was hanging open, he could feel the moisture being sucked out of it.

"Castiel, I will say that your dedication to Sam is admirable, and its apparent how much you really do care for him. But you must ask yourself, is it Sam you really want? Or is it the life you knew Sam could give you?"

"You are young, and what you want out of life and how you want it, will change a lot over the next few years...and you may have to re-examine what it is you really want in this life...and who it is you cant imagine yourself living it without."

 _November 23rd 2010_

 _This is getting to be too much._

 _I feel like i am standing on the edge of a volcano, the earth is trembling beneath me and i keep trying to pull myself away from the edge, but i can feel the heat and the smoke is intoxicating me and i cant breathe. I cant fall over that edge. I cant let myself think so much about this, i need to control my thoughts so that my body doesn't begin acting on its own accord._

 _Its not just lust that pulls me towards him anymore. Its a blinding passionate love that my body is tearing to pieces over. He has been acting strangely when we are alone behind bar again. Our friendly conversations have turned into strained silences and without the comfort of his eyes i find myself sinking into a depression i never knew i was capable of._

 _Its different than just feeling unloved or unwanted. Its different because i know that i'm not. I know he cares for me, i know it and i cant do anything about it. Its getting to the point where i have to talk myself out of saying something. Because even if i ended things with Sam, even if Dean wanted to be with me...it couldn't happen._

 _They are brothers. Brothers don't do that._

 _Thanksgiving is in a few days, we will be together at Ellen and Bobby's for the whole weekend. Charlie is coming over today to hang out and i'm hoping i can convince her to come. I need someone there who i can look at and not feel mind boggling amounts of guilt._

When Charlie showed up to his apartment that afternoon, Castiel was in the middle of a break through with his novel. He had Interpol blasting through his stereo speakers and only realized she was banging on his front door because the key holder next to it fell to the floor under her assault.

Castiel groaned at the interruption but did his best to hide his displeasure when he swung the door open. He was greeted with a wide, mischievous grin and a small plastic sandwich bag dangling in his face. He cocked his head in confusion before it dawned on him what the dried looking green substance was.

"Charlie?" Was all he could manage as he stepped out of the doorway and let her pass by.

"Well, this guy in my LARPing group is like a walking bong and you were saying how you felt like you needed to get into your character's mind a little more so..." She held up the bag again. "Voila!"

"Seriously?" Castiel cocked one eyebrow up, a slight smirk sliding to his lips. "You bring pot to a law students apartment?"

"What? Its not like he is going to do it and besides, he isn't even here." She set her messenger bag on the floor next to the kitchen table and riffled through it to pull out a glass pipe that Castiel knew was called a bowl. "When will he be home?"

"Not for a few hours." He answered, pulling the bowl from her hand and inspecting it. "You ever done this before?"

"Yeah, once." She answered with a shrug. "My ex was into it, but she kind of turned into a stoner and that was just gross."

Castiel nodded. "Yes, i don't wish to spend my days eating junk food and debating the musical stylings of Bob Marley."

Charlie laughed. "Dude, you know nothing about pot heads do you?"

"Apparently not." He grinned. "So, are we going to do this or not?"

Charlie bounced slightly as she nodded enthusiastically. "Lets get stoned Cas!"

He couldn't help but laugh and handed her the bowl back. She took it and set it on the counter as she prepared Castiel's first drug experience. When it was ready, she handed the bowl to Castiel and gave him instructions on how to do it properly.

Castiel did as he was told and tried not to inhale the entire first drag, hoping to ease himself into it. As the hot, spicy smoke flowed down his throat and filled his lungs, Castiel let out a flurry of barking coughs, his eyes tearing up. Charlie restrained the urge to laugh and patted him on the back as she took the bowl and took a hit herself.

Thirty minutes later they found themselves sprawled out on the couch and watching an old episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They had a bag of popcorn in each of their laps and beers warming in their hands.

"Poor Riley." Charlie said, her voice distant.

"Hmm?"

"Riley. The poor guy never had a chance."

"Riley? Chance with what?"

"Buffy Cas. Buffy royally screwed his ass over."

"How?"

"He loved her. She said she loved him but i think anyone with eyes and a nose and a mouth and a ear or two ears maybe-"

"Charlie."

"Hmm? Yeah- She didn't really love him. Not like Angel. Poor guy never had a chance."

"Angel is a vampire." Castiel reasoned.

"So?" Charlie threw pieces of popcorn at him.

"So the slayer cant love a vampire. Riley is better for her."

"Just because someone is better for you doesn't mean you can make yourself love them."

"Well that's... I reject that."

"You cant reject that. I reject your rejection." She said with a frown.

"That doesn't even make any sense." Castiel rolled his eyes, his head falling back to the couch.

"You don't even make any sense." Charlie mumbled, looking back to the tv screen.

It took them an hour before they realized the show was over and they were now watching and old western movie. Through the haze of his inebriation, Castiel realized he had seen it before. It was one that he had watched with Sam and Dean one night when Dean had brought over pizza and beer. Dean had designated it his all time favorite movie and Castiel remembered paying special attention to it, extracting as much information as he could, as if it brought him closer to Dean.

His mind was too foggy to remember the name though and it irritated him.

"Dean loves this movie." He found himself mumbling, his filter seriously damaged by the pot.

"Yeah- he likes all that horses and guns and sheriff crap." Charlie said sleepily.

"Do you know the name of it?"

"Nope." "Charlie's eyes were drooping but she lifted one suddenly to look at Castiel. "You like him, don't you?"

"Of course." Castiel said will a roll of his eyes.

"I don't mean like him as Sam's older brother, your friend, your co-worker..." Charlie sat up as much as her heavy limbs could manage. "I mean like- death do us part- like him."

Castiel knew he should be terrified at the accusation but he was feeling far too mellow to react with anything more than a shrug. "If you're implying marriage then id think i'd have to more than like him."

Charlie wasn't phased by his lack of reaction and pressed on. "You know he likes you too right?"

Castiel shrugged again, his mind still focused on trying to remember the name of the movie they weren't really watching.

"You know what you're doing there?" Charlie asked.

"Oh shit! I know!" Castiel jumped up from the couch and fumbled towards the kitchen table where his laptop was sitting. He opened it up quickly and started it up.

"What 're you doing?"

"facebook."

"that's not an action."

"Dean's favorite movie."

"huh?"

Castiel logged into his facebook account as soon as the internet tab loaded. He clicked on Sam's profile, not letting himself dwell on the guilt of his actions, before finding a picture of Sam that Dean was tagged in. Castiel paused momentarily, taking in the image of the man he was so hopelessly in love with. He couldn't even let himself look at Sam.

He didn't deserve to.

He clicked on Dean's name and waited to be directed to his facebook profile. He let out a loud groan when he remembered they weren't facebook friends.

"Dude." Charlie said as she pulled herself over to the computer. "OH- that's such a cute picture of him!" Her voice was heavy but Castiel could hear her attempt at being chipper.

"Yeah." Castiel said dreamily. "We aren't friends."

"So..." Charlie placed her finger over the mouse pad and clicked on the link to request to be Dean's friend. "Done."

"Oh." Castiel said quietly. "He has to confirm."

"Yeah...why did you want to see his profile?"

"Wanted to know the name of that movie."

"Oh, well..." Charlie moved her fingers over the mouse pad again, logging Castiel out and then typing in her own username and password. She went through her friends list until landing on Dean and clinking the link to his profile.

Despite his haze, Castiel felt butterflies as the page loaded and his eyes were assaulted with information about Dean. The picture was still the one of his in his car, the sunset the perfect backdrop to his beautiful silhouette.

Castiel's eyes darted down to the words Dean had written about himself and a smile lifted the heavy corners of his mouth.

 _ **Bio:** You want to know something, come down to The Bunker and just ask._

 _ **Favorite Movie:** A Fistfull of Dollars_

 _ **Favorite Band/Musician:** AC/DC_

 _ **Favorite Book:** Cat's Cradle- Vonnegut_

 _ **Favorite TV Show:** No Comment_

Castiel let out a laugh at the last line, knowing Dean was obsessed with a medical drama that barely passed for anything more than a cheesy soap opera.

"A Fistfull of Dollars? What kind of name for a movie is that?" Charlie asked as she turned back to the couch and fell onto it, sprawling her body across and shutting her eyes.

Castiel ignored her and just stared at the screen. He loved that Dean didn't write much in his biography portion, it represented him well. Dean was never the type to share much real information with strangers, and he wondered if it was possible Sam had made him get a profile just like he did with Castiel.

He smiled at the thought, for once not making himself turn away from the gorgeous man who had wrecked him so completely.

 _November 24th 2010_

 _I got high. It wasn't as illuminating as i thought it would be...but at least now i know what it feels like._

 _I do remember that Charlie accused me of having feelings for Dean, and then told me he had feelings for me. Which of course i already knew, but the fact that she noticed it is a problem. No matter what happens, i do not want Sam to know about this...i do not want him hurt by this._

 _Anna called me this morning. Gabriel found Lucy and brought her to live with him in NYC. I guess that's why we hadn't heard from him in so long, he was looking for her. I am going to plan a trip after the holidays. I'd like to meet my niece and of course, see my sister again._

 _Shit. The moment i thought about seeing my sister...i thought about Dean. I want him to meet her, i want him to be holding my hand when i meet her...i want all of this to be so much simpler._

 _We leave for Bobby and Ellen's house tomorrow. An entire weekend with Dean. And Sam. Charlie agreed to go._

 _I think that would be good, especially since she knows about me and Dean. Maybe having her there will be a physical reminder to be more careful._

 _Last night when Sam came home and i was just barely coming down from my high, i pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to look at him, didn't want to talk to him._

 _I love him...i do and i think i always will...but now...now i just feel trapped. I feel like i pushed myself into something that i wasn't ready for...and with the wrong person. But now i love him and i cant just not love him anymore._

 _That's not how love works...i'm going to love Sam and Dean forever...and i'm going to hate myself just as long._


	14. Cant Take My Eyes Off of You

It didn't make any sense to take multiple cars to Bobby and Ellen's so the four friends piled into Dean's Chevy Impala. With Sam and Dean in the front, Castiel felt like he was looking between lives, two possibilities that made his breath quicken and his heart rate climb. As if Charlie could hear his panic rising, she took his hand as they drove the hour to Berryville, Va. Castiel didn't even notice at first, his palms too sweaty and his mind too far gone from the moment to register her touch. About half way into drive Castiel finally looked down in a near anxiety attack, his eyes exhausted from looking between the two men in front of him, and saw his hand being cupped by Charlie's.

Usually he wasn't one for hand holding, especially with someone he deemed as just a friend, but in that moment, Charlie was his lifeline. He looked up to find her wearing a sad smile and a sympathetic expression. He was so grateful to her then, the realization of her understanding not causing him to panic more, but to let him release some of that pain. She took some of it away, and Castiel felt like he could finally breathe normally by the time they pulled up to the wooden house set far in the woods.

"Let's hope Jo isn't the one making the cranberry sauce this year." Dean said as he climbed out of his car.

The sound of Dean's voice pulled Castiel out of his inner turmoil and he found himself opening his mouth to speak before he was completely aware of himself.

"Are you implying that Jo is unable to open a can and pour out its contents?" Castiel's head tilted the way it does and he didn't try to correct himself this time.

Dean blinked a few times as he looked over his car to meet Castiel's gaze and then put on a smile Castiel knew was just for him. "That's exactly what i'm sayin' Cas."

"Yeah, last year she somehow ended up getting a piece of tin in it." Sam pulled his and Castiel's bag out of the trunk.

"How is that even possible?" Charlie asked.

Dean had looked away from Castiel after exactly three seconds, but Castiel kept his eyes on the elder Winchester. Dean was walking up to the front porch, his duffle bag slung over his shoulder and a slight saunter in his steps. Castiel loved to watch him walk, it was fluid like water despite his bowed legs and a obvious favoritism to his left side. When he had asked about it, Dean told Castiel he had hurt his knee as a teenager and it never healed properly. Castiel sometimes thought about bringing him ice after long bar shifts, but held himself back.

"Who knows Charlie, the girl is a mess in the kitchen." Dean called over his shoulder before opening the front door.

"The good guys are here!" He called into the house as the rest of the group followed him up the porch. Castiel could see Ellen's arms pulling Dean into a hug and kissed him on the cheek with tears in her eyes. He knew it was tears of gratitude for everything Dean was doing to help them financially and he felt his own eyes getting wet.

"You okay babe?" Sam asked, pulling Castiel's hand into his.

"What?" Castiel tore his eyes away from Dean's hug with Bobby and looked to Sam. He wanted to smile, he wanted to return the affection he saw in Sam's eyes, but he couldn't in that moment.

He felt like he would be betraying Dean.

So he just nodded. "Yes. Lets go inside."

Dinner was filled with jokes and stories of when the kids were younger. Castiel was thrilled to hear more about Dean and Sam when they were young boys and he couldn't help the laughter that continued to bubble out of him at random times through out the night, thinking about the pranks they boys played on one another as children.

"I think the worst one was when Dean filled my toothpaste with mayonnaise." Sam grimaced, his sensory memory reminding him of the awful experience.

Castiel's eyes shot across his shoulder to Dean who was sitting next to him at the table. "That's disgusting!" His smile was wide and all teeth.

"Yeah but hilarious." Dean defended, returning the smile easily.

Castiel tried to pull his lips together to give Dean a disapproving glare but his own features betrayed him and was unable to keep his affection at bay. "You're awful. Truly, horrendous."

Dean smiled and shrugged. "You like it." He teased coyly.

Catching his flirtatious tone, Dean cleared his throat and stood up from the table, grabbing dirty dishes to clear.

Throughout their dinner Castiel caught himself paying almost all of his attention to Dean, and very little to Sam. He would then overcompensate by laying his hand on Sam's under the table, or smiling at him randomly as they ate their dinner. Sam was completely oblivious to Castiel's struggle, as he was engaged in a conversation with Jo about her freshman year of college.

Ellen had insisted on saying grace before dinner, something Castiel hadn't participated in since he was a small boy, but when he felt Dean slide his hand into his, he was ready to convert.

Castiel didn't dare look at him, while Ellen prayed and thanked God for their dinner, but he could feel Dean's pulse in his fingers, his rough skin gentle in their placement. Being able to touch him again, even under the guise of saying grace, made Castiel feel more at peace than he had in months. When Ellen finished their hands lingered a moment longer, neither of them willing to let go quite yet. Castiel had a momentary fantasy flash across his eyes where he would keep Dean's hand gripped in his own and bring it under the table to rest on his thigh. He shook the thought away though as Dean pulled his hand away slowly.

Careful not to look at him for too long, Castiel glanced up to Dean and found the green-eyed man staring back at him, a sad smile on his lips. Castiel returned it, and without thinking, placed his hand on top of Dean's once more and squeezed it gently before pulling his hand back and placing it in his own lap.

Ellen also required that everyone say what they were thankful for before they were allowed to eat. Castiel listened as most of the group said they were thankful for friends and family and he could feel his heart begin to pound as he tried to come up with something to say. He could hear Sam say something about him and he forced a quick smile to his face, unsure of what his boyfriend actually said but was sure he should respond somehow. When the group's faces all fell to him, Castiel felt his throat close up.

What was he thankful for?

Everyone's eyes were on his face, waiting for him to say something when he felt Dean's hand over his arm. It was warm and comforting and Castiel's heart began to beat to a slower rhythm than it had just a moment before. He was still aware that he needed to say something but with Dean's hand burning into his skin the only thing he could think of was Dean. He knew he couldn't say that though and found himself blurting out the next thing that came to mind.

"Clint Eastwood."

The group stared at him for a second before Dean burst into laughter beside him, squeezing his arm for a moment before letting go.. "Really? That's what you come up with?"

The rest of the group joined Dean in their playful laughter and Castiel's smile was wide, despite his reddened face. He looked over to see Charlie's knowing smile and felt anxious that everyone would know he said that because Eastwood starred in Dean's favorite movie.

"I don't do well under pressure Dean, and Clint Eastwood was in that movie we all watched a few months ago." He put his elbows on the table and clasped his hands together. He rested his temple on his hands as he turned his head to face Dean. "I rather enjoyed it."

Castiel could feel Sam's strong hand on his back, rubbing circles into his shirt and it reminded him to pay more attention to his boyfriend and less attention to Dean. He pulled his face back to look at Sam and smiled at him. "Its not that strange, is it?"

Sam smiled. "Not at all babe, I'm sure lots of people are grateful for Clint Eastwood on Thanksgiving."

The group began cackling again, but Castiel was only focusing on the familiar sound of Dean's laughter coming from beside him. He wouldn't allow himself to look at him again, but felt comfort in knowing that Dean probably had his hand under his chin as he settled down, his wide grin growing sexier as it grew lazier, and the sigh he released would have escaped after Dean looked at Castiel out of the corner of his eyes.

"I'm beat." Sam said with a yawn. He stretched out against Castiel's body as they slumped on the couch in the living room at Bobby and Ellen's house. "I think i'm going to head to bed. You coming?"

"Oh now Sammy, just because you two are living together doesn't mean i'm going to let you share a bed in my house without rings on your fingers." Ellen chastised from the kitchen. "You are going to stay in the guest room with Charlie. Castiel can stay in you boys room with Dean."

Castiel's body stiffened and his eyes shot immediately to Dean's who was sitting in a recliner across the room with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Dean's eyes were wide as well, his mouth hanging open. He sat up straight and began to stammer. "Eh- Ellen...I-I don't think Cas-"

"Enough. I don't want to hear it." Ellen said with a raised hand. "No ring? No ding-a-ling."

"Good God woman!" Bobby yelled from the other recliner in the living room. "How much wine did you have to drink tonight?"

Sam ignored the crude comment and looked over to Bobby. "Is she serious about this?"

Bobby shrugged. "She could have said it better, but yeah- you know how Ellen is. Sorry boys."

Castiel was at a loss of what to do but couldn't come up with anything to say. He took a sip of what was his third whiskey that night and shrugged. Sam let his head rest on his chest once more and sighed. "Well this sucks."

Castiel took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice even. "Yes, but...it is her home. We must respect her rules." His eyes flitted to Dean's once more to find him pointedly avoided his gaze. How was he going to share a bedroom with a man he was hopelessly in love with and not do something that would screw everything up?

Sam let out another breath and yawned once more. "Alright, well- I'm really tired so i'm going to head up. What's your plan?"

Castiel wasn't very tired yet, but he could tell that Bobby and Ellen were preparing to go to bed soon as well. Charlie and Jo were in the basement playing video games and he contemplating joining them but ultimately decided he wanted to find out what Dean was doing first. "I'm not sure. I'm not ready to go to sleep yet though."

"Well Jo has a pretty extensive movie collection, if you want to take a look." Sam gestured over to the cupboard next to the TV. "Maybe you and Dean can watch a movie or something." Sam stood up and stretched out his limbs, his back arching considerably as he did. He turned back around and planted a soft kiss on Castiel's lips before saying goodnight. Castiel watched him hug Ellen and kiss her cheek before going up the stairs.

"Yeah- me too." Bobby grunted as he got up from his chair and headed up the stairs. "don't be loud."

"You boys need anything before i go to bed?" Ellen asked, poking her head into the living room. "The beds are already made up and if you get cold there are blankets in the trunk in the corner."

"No one could get cold in this house Ellen. Its like Satan's sauna in here." Dean pulled at the front of his shirt, making his point.

"Oh hush." Ellen strode over to Dean and kissed the top of his head. She moved over to the couch and pushed a kiss onto Castiel's cheek as well. "Goodnight sweetheart, see you in the morning."

"Thank you for having me Ellen, dinner was lovely." Castiel said in the polite tone expected of grateful guests. He could hear Dean snickering from his chair and Castiel shot him a look of annoyance.

"You're welcome darlin', you're practically family now." She called over her shoulder as she left the room to go upstairs, leaving Castiel and Dean alone.

It wasn't as if Dean and Cas hadn't spent time together in the last few months, but it was definitely the first time they had been completely alone. Castiel wondered if was a terrible idea to have not gone to bed, the thought of being alone with Dean suddenly consuming all of his senses.

"So- uh- movie?" Dean said hesitantly as he got up and walked over to the cupboard of movies.

"Sure." Castiel tried to sound casual.

"What are you in the mood for?"

Castiel let out a soft huff at that question, knowing what he was in the mood for was definitely not in that cupboard. Dean turned to face him, his eyes narrowed in confusion for a millisecond before evening out and brightening slightly.

"Um- something in horror genre maybe." Castiel finally said, willing Dean to look away and release his hold on him.

"Yeah, that sounds good." Dean smiled and turned back to the movies. "Cabin in the woods?"

"Yes. That would be great, its one of my favorites." Castiel answered quickly, pulling his legs under him to get more comfortable on the couch.

"I know." Dean said softly. He looked back over to Castiel and gave him a shy smile. The writer's breath hitched noticeably and Dean let out a soft sigh as he pushed the DVD into the player and pressed play.

Castiel couldn't help but feel disappointed when Dean sat back down in his recliner instead of joining him on the couch, but knew it was for the best. Proximity was definitely not their friend. If he had to sit next to him on the couch, he was sure his feet would find their way pressed against Dean's thigh, his shoulders shifting unnecessarily until they were up against his.

As the movie began to play, Castiel let his eyes travel over to the gorgeous bartender. He was sitting with one foot propped up on his knee, his head resting casually on his hand, his elbow on the armrest of his chair. The recliner was angled so that it faced the TV and Castiel could watch Dean instead of the TV without the elder Winchester realizing it. However, just a few moments into Castiel's staring session Dean's voice cut through his daydream.

"Cas." His voice was soft, but his tone was reprimanding and Castiel thought he could hear a note of pleading in it as well.

Castiel was confused at first but when Dean didn't turn to look at him, and didn't say anything else, he realized that Dean knew he was staring at him.

"Sorry." Castiel whispered.

"I thought we weren't doin' that anymore." Dean said as he brought his drink to his mouth, a small smirk on his lips, still not looking back at Castiel.

"I apologized didn't I?" Castiel found himself irritated with Dean calling him out on his bad behavior.

"Just sayin'" Dean said under his breath.

"Just watch the movie Dean." Castiel said with a roll of his eyes.

"I was." He said firmly, a small snicker escaping.

It annoyed Castiel that Dean could feel his eyes on him, that he knew he was staring at him. It was like he had the upper hand which wasn't something Castiel ever really cared about but with his slow decent into madness, in that moment it irked him. It was a reminder that Castiel was in love with Dean, and he had no idea the extent of Dean's feelings. It could be a crush, an infatuation, or something purely physical. Or it could be more. Castiel was afraid to wonder if Dean could possibly love him, just as much as he loved Dean. He felt flustered and exposed and couldnt help but feel slightly put out at the thought.

Castiel let out a loud sigh that signaled to Dean that he was done talking about it. They watched the movie in silence. At one point Dean got up and grabbed the bottle of liquor off the kitchen table. He brought it back over to the living room and poured himself and Castiel another healthy dose. When he was finished pouring Castiel's though, he took the seat next to him on the couch, placing the bottle on the coffee table in front of them. He purposely didn't meet the writers eyes as he leaned back to the other side of the couch, one foot on the coffee table, the other perched up on the couch.

Castiel pulled himself away from green, and tried to focus on what was happening on the screen. Dean was too far to the other side of the couch to touch, but Castiel could still feel him. It was like Dean was wrapped around him, drowning him. He didnt have to look at him to know that Dean's jaw was clenched slightly and his finger was tapping against his thigh in his own display at frustration.

Castiel began to fidget, flicking his finger against his glass, tapping his foot on the couch cushions beneath him, biting his lip, and clenching his jaw. He couldnt keep still, worried that if he did his body would pull it towards Dean, as it always seemed to do. Eventually Dean let out a loud sigh and brought his attention to the nervous wreck sitting next to him.

"Problem Cas?" His voice was slightly annoyed but Castiel could hear his playfulness, and see the beginnings of a grin.

"Hmm?" Castiel couldn't come up with anything to say so he just shrugged and looked back to the TV. He could tell they were getting towards the end of the movie, most of the characters had been killed off by then and they were watching the virgin fight for her life on the dock.

"The fact that it's a virgin and the joker that survive to the end is just stupid as shit." Dean said with a grunt. "It should bethe smart guy. And probably the jock if there was going to be two."

Castiel felt his lips curl into a familiar smile he knew was special to listening to Dean's drunken thoughts. "What about the woman they designated as the whore?"

"I don't know. They never really give her a chance in the movies. Its always the virgin. I feel like, the virgin would probably have to die way before the whore would. Whores know stuff, they've been around enough to know when shit is about to go down and i think That's just bad story telling." Dean put on a smug expression. "Woulda expected more of Whedon."

"Well you cant blame him for that in this particular movie Dean. The entire film is a parody of horror genre tropes. If he didn't have the virgin survive, he would be going against the very formula he intends to mock." Castiel replied casually.

"Hmm. Yeah, i guess that makes sense." Dean shrugged. "You ever think about writing a thriller or something?" He finally pulled his eyes away from the screen and looked to Castiel.

He could feel Dean's eyes on him but kept his trained on the screen. "Not really, No. I don't think I have the capacity to write that level of violence."

"Yeah but i think you could come up with a way better scary story than some of the other crap that is out there."

"How do you know? You've never read anything i've written." Castiel finally met Dean's gaze.

"Well, maybe you should let me then." Dean challenged, sipping his whiskey with a cocky look on his face.

"You'd want to?" Castiel asked softly, a certain vulnerability in his tone.

"Yeah, man." Dean blushed. "You still working on that addict story?"

Castiel's body shifted on its own, pulling itself closer to Dean on the couch, but still not touching. "Yes. I think I may have found my way with it...Charlie and I smoked marijuana and i think it helped."

Dean's eyes widened and he spit some of his whiskey back into his glass. "You got high?"

"Yes." Castiel answered matter of factly.

"Oh man, I would have killed to see you high." Dean's face was smiling ear to ear. "What were you like? What did you do?"

"Mostly watched television." Castiel answered truthfully. He left out the part about stalking him on the internet. "That western movie you love was on." Castiel averted his eyes to the screen then, not feeling confident enough to be able to hide the embarrassment he felt.

When Dean didn't say anything, Castiel looked back to his friend and found him staring at him. He wasn't smiling, but he wasn't frowning either. His eyebrows were turned in slightly as if questioning something, but Castiel could see a certain amount of understanding in them as well. "Clint Eastwood." Dean finally said quietly.

Castiel looked down to his whiskey glass and sighed. "Yes."

The credits of the movie were rolling then but neither of them made a move to get up. Castiel could feel Dean's eyes on him and he couldn't remember the last time his friend had let himself look at him for more than three seconds. He wanted to take advantage of that, he wanted to let himself drown for just a little while, but he couldn't summon the courage to bring blue to green.

"I thought we weren't doing that anymore." Castiel mumbled, a smirk on his lips as he finished the rest of his whiskey.

He could feel Dean smile next to him and felt the weight of the couch shift as Dean got up. "It's late. We should probably hit the sack."

Dean lifted his arms above his head in a long cat-like stretch. Castiel had no strength to fight the lust that he knew Dean would find in his eyes if he looked back down at him then. The hem of Dean's shirt rode up just enough to show off his well toned abs and the curve of his hips into his groin. Castiel heard himself whimper at the sight and quickly adjusted his gaze so that when he investigated the sound, Dean wouldnt find Castiel gawking at him.

Castiel decided to stand too, feeling oddly exposed sitting beneath Dean. He could see a half smile on Dean's lips as he moved around the coffee table, which told him Dean was well aware of why Castiel had groaned moments before.

Castiel walked into the kitchen and placed his glass in the sink. He heard Dean's footsteps following him.

"Such a good house guest." Dean's voice came from behind him, his body close enough to feel the heat from his breath on his neck. "No wonder Ellen loves you."

Castiel froze.

If he turned around right now, they would be face to face, inches apart.

Was Dean toying with him? Testing him?

Castiel didn't think so. He found it more likely that Dean was just as unable to keep his body in check as Castiel was. He swallowed hard as Dean reached around him and put his own glass in the sink.

Castiel breath became more ragged as Dean's arm brushed his.

"I think really good house guests put their glasses in the dishwasher." Castiel said quietly, doing his best to keep his voice even. He felt the heat from Dean's mouth on his neck as the bartender let out a huff of amusement.

Castiel kept completely still, not trusting himself to do anything but stay frozen in place.

After another moment, a feeling of coldness and relief washed over him as he heard Dean step away. "Come on, off to bed with you."

Castiel nodded but only turned around when he heard Dean's footsteps move out of the kitchen. He let out a loud breath he didn't realize he was holding and slowly followed Sam's big brother up the stairs.

The bedroom they were staying in had two twin beds on either side of the room against the walls, only about ten feet apart. There were nightstands between them, and a large window above the nightstands. The rest of the room was relatively bare, and Castiel assumed it was because it was only used when Sam and Dean stayed over.

Dean was at the bed on the right side of the room, pulling a t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants from his bag. He turned to the window and pushed it open with a little more effort than Castiel would have thought necessary. Then again, the house wasn't exactly new.

"Ellen keeps this place so freaking hot." Dean shook his head as he stepped past Castiel on his way to the bathroom, being careful to avoid touching him this time.

Castiel was grateful.

He decided to use the free room to change his own clothes and quickly pulled off his jeans, shirt, and vest and let them fall to the floor at the foot of his bed. He riffled through the small suitcase he had brought and pulled out his own pajama pants. They sat low on his waist and he liked the way they made his hip bones more prominent. Sam had told him how sexy his hips were and suddenly Castiel was overcome with the feeling of needing to know if Dean thought so to. He decided to stall in putting on his t-shirt and fiddled around the room for a few minutes while he waited for Dean to come back.

When he heard the door to the bathroom open, Castiel brought his folded shirt into his hands as if he was just picking it up from his suitcase. As Dean made his way back into the bedroom, Castiel was just pulling the shirt over his head, making him unable to see Dean's immediate reaction. He brought his eyes over to the elder Winchester as he pulled on the hem of his t-shirt, doing his best to hide his smirk of satisfaction at Dean's stunned face. Dean had stopped in the doorway, his eyes finally traveling back up to meet Castiel's before dropping again and shaking his head slightly as he moved into the room. It was obvious that he did, in fact, find Castiel's hips sexy as hell.

Castiel moved passed him, taking his bag of toiletries with him, and let his arm brush against Dean's. He knew what he was doing, and he knew it would only make things that much harder, but part of him didn't care. He was tipsy and with finally realizing the extent of his feelings for Dean, he was like an addict needing his fix.

He was quick in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and face in record time so that he could get back to his shared space with Dean. When he got back in the room Dean was sitting on the edge of his bed, facing Castiel's.

"Lights out?" Castiel asked, trying his best not to sound as seductive as the phrase lent itself to be.

"Yeah." Dean said, laying back in his bed and pulling the blanket over him. "I'm beat."

"Me too." Castiel smiled as he flicked off the light and strode towards the beds. "It was a long day. A good one, but long."

"You don't wish you had seen your brother and sister?" Dean shifted his body so that he was laying on his side, facing Castiel who was standing between their beds.

"I am glad I am here...but i do miss them sometimes. With Lucy back, i thought about her a lot more today than i have in a long time." Castiel sighed.

"Yeah, that makes sense. Are you going to go visit her soon?"

"Yes. I'd like to." Castiel made his way to his bed.

"Cas?" Dean's voice shot through his movements and he froze.

"Yes?"

"Why do you keep shutting the window?"

"What?" Castiel spun around to face Dean who had sat up in his bed.

"The window. I opened it when i came in here, and then when i came back from the bathroom it was closed. And then i opened it again while you were in the bathroom, and you just closed it again while you were talking." Castiel slumped to the side of his bed. "Are you cold?"

"No." Castiel answered softly. "I'm rather warm actually."

"Then why did you close the window?"

"I didn't realize i had." He answered truthfully. "I'm sorry Dean. I'll open it." Castiel stood up and moved towards the window. He found it difficult to open, just as Dean had showcased earlier, but eventually the cold night air was blowing on his face. Castiel climbed into his bed and pulled the blanket up around his chest. He stared up at the ceiling and willed himself not to turn over to face Dean until he was sure the older man was asleep.

A few minutes passed before Dean's voice floated in his ears once more.

"Cas?"

"Yes?"

"How do you not realize you opened a window?" Dean sounded nervous, like he wasn't sure he was allowed to know the answer. Castiel was proud of him for asking it anyway, despite the fact that it meant Castiel would have to find a response.

"My sister left through a window." Castiel said without thinking.

Dean was silent for awhile and Castiel thought perhaps he was regretting asking the question when he finally spoke again. "You didn't want her to come back?"

"I did. For a very long time." Castiel said quietly. "But then i was angry. I closed my window, and every other window in the house out of spite, for a very long time." Castiel's body turned him to face Dean. "I suppose it became an unconscious habit."

Dean was laying on his side, one hand under his pillow, the other laying on the bed by his chest. He was looking at Castiel in a way that made the writer feel stronger than he should have in that moment. His eyes were full of something Castiel didn't want to name, and his lips were pursed slightly. "I'm sorry she left you Cas."

"Me too." Castiel whispered.

Dean's soft sigh brought a pang to Castiel's chest but he shook it away. He didn't want to waste this moment by living it through a veil of agony. He didn't want to feel the weight of his guilt and suffering, as he let his friend into the inner workings of his mind and heart. He just wanted to share this moment with Dean in peace.

They continued to stare at one another through the darkness, their eyes never leaving until they both slowly drifted off to sleep.


	15. The Rain Song

Dean took his time exploring the curve of Castiel's hip bones. His thumbs brushes over their pointed edges while his mouth worked around them. He could feel Cas shudder as he flicked his tongue across the bone, biting gently then moving his way to the other side, giving it just as much attention as the first.

Castiel ran his hands through Dean's hair as he moved lower, urging him to continue. Dean smiled against the flesh beneath him, the sounds Castiel were making made him feel things he had never felt before. His tongue traveled down the length of his groin, stopping to graze his nose over his partner's throbbing length before moving his mouth to his inner thigh and sucking until he heard Cas moaning his name.

Suddenly Castiel was pulling him up by his hair and forcing their mouths together, his hips rutting up into Dean's mercilessly. They moved together, pushing and pulling themselves into the perfect fit. Dean hummed against Castiel's lips, saying his name, telling him how much he loved him.

He could feel himself losing control, his body falling quickly toward oblivion. His vision was getting hazy, the feeling of Castiel's body beneath him became harder to grasp, his own body began to numb.

He couldn't see Cas anymore.

His body was still, he wasn't moving.

Castiel wasn't below him.

He wasn't kissing him.

His eyes were closed.

He ripped them open, as if to bring the dream to life with the action. He was assaulted with a stream of bright light, crawling across his face through the blinds of the window. Dean groaned into his hand as he slapped it up to his face. He was laying on his back in the twin bed Ellen and Bobby's spare bedroom. It had to be early in the morning, the shadows in the room too dark to be later than 8:00am.

Dean tried to shake the very real dream that he was just torn out of, rubbing his eyes with his fingers roughly before slamming his head against his pillow a few times. He could still taste Castiel's skin on his tongue, the flavor tormenting him into a silent fit in his sheets.

"Are you alright?" A painfully familiar gruff voice came from across the room.

Dean turned his head abruptly to face the man who he was just about to perform various sex acts on and couldn't help the blush on his cheeks. He found Cas laying on his side, facing him, his eyes heavy with sleep.

"Wha- yeah. Yeah. Sorry." Dean turned his body so that he was laying on his side as well. "Did i wake you?"

Castiel stayed quiet and just stared at him for a moment. Dean could feel his skin begin to hum under the current of Castiel's gaze and he couldn't help but want to pull the covers over his head and hide.

Just as Dean was about to give up on getting a response out of him, Cas' voice cut across the room again.

"You said my name."

Dean felt his body go rigid. His pink cheeks were now three shades darker and he found his mouth opening and closing a few times before stammering out, "I-I uh did-"

"Its alright." Castiel said softly. "I probably shouldn't have said anything."

Dean took that as his out and pushed himself back so that he was laying flat again. He heard Cas let out a soft sigh before the rustle of sheets and springs adjusting forced him to peak a glance at his friend. He had turned back over to his other side to presumably go back to sleep.

Dean was grateful.

He was sporting what he knew would be a very noticeable erection, and if Castiel looked too long in his direction he was sure he would be able to see it through the blanket. He contemplated trying to go back to sleep as well, but after ten minutes of tossing and turning, and flashes of Cas' hips behind his eyes every time he closed them, Dean got out of bed. He was sure to be as quiet as possible, not wanting to give Cas a reason to face him as he made his exit. He pulled a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from his bag and opened the door as carefully as a bomb squad diffuses bombs.

Once he was safely in the hallway, Dean let out a long breath and fell against the closed door of the bedroom. This weekend wasn't supposed to be this difficult. It wasn't supposed to unravel him as completely as it has.

After their talk that night in the bar, Dean had done everything he could to rid himself of the feelings he had for his brother's boyfriend. He knew that the path he was on then, would only lead to someone's eventual heartbreak and he knew it was most likely to be him. He needed to protect himself. So he developed a plan to help himself get over the amazing man that turned into the object of his desire.

He began counting whenever they made eye contact, cutting it as soon as he reached three so that he didn't have time to lose himself in the deep waters of Cas' eyes. He limited himself to touching him only when absolutely necessary and felt relief when Cas seemed to do the same. They fell into an easy routine behind the bar, painlessly moving around each other after just a few shifts. It helped that Cas had switched shifts around so that they only saw each other once a week too. He missed him, God Dean missed that beautiful man so much at the beginning, it was all he could think about.

Slowly though, Dean began to bring himself back to the life he led before Cas had taken it over. Bobby had confided in him about their money trouble so he took a few shifts at the shop to help out. It was a no brainer, Bobby was family and Dean owed him everything, of course he was going to do everything he could to pay the man back. He had spent more time with Charlie, finding her company a fun distraction from the man who plagued his thoughts.

With distance, he was able to get him out of his mind long enough to concentrate on what was most important in his life.

His family.

Sam.

After a few weeks of their new routine, Dean felt like an idiot for ever having believed he could have been falling for his brother's guy. It was just an attraction, and now that he was really getting to know Cas, he was so grateful they hadn't screwed everything up. He quickly became one of his best friends, and Dean was opening up to Cas in ways he had never opened up to anyone before. He found that the more time apart, the more Dean got to actually know Castiel.

They talked easily behind the bar, without the distraction of skin on skin, or prolonged gazes, Dean was able to concentrate more fully on the actual man. The things he already knew about Cas, like his dry sense of humor or his stubborn personality, mingled easily into the new things he picked up. He had a black and white way of thinking in many ways, but then saw only in grays in others. He had a habit of removing the knives they used to cut lemons and limes, from the bar and washing them immediately. Dean even began doing it for him sometimes, unconsciously moving to the sink with the freshly citruses knife in his hands and washing it clean.

Cas could have the whole bar laughing in a second, deadpanning a one liner that would have Dean doubled over and gasping for breath. Then he could be so entirely confused by a joke that Dean thought was nearly impossible not to understand. Cas was careful not to display his typical face of confusion though, and Dean found that he missed it.

Being a writer and an english major, Dean knew that Cas would know a lot about poetry, so he felt comfortable opening up to the younger man about his secret love of American poets. He'll never forget the way Cas' eyes lit up at Dean's confession and promptly wrote out a list of poems on a napkin he wanted Dean's opinion on. He remembered feeling powerful in that moment, he had never related to anyone academically before, it was always Sam who had the scholastic conversations.

But Cas made him comfortable enough to be honest in his assessments, and encouraged him to share his thoughts truthfully, insisting there was no wrong way to interpret poetry. It wasn't something Dean wanted people knowing at first, but seeing how impressed Cas was after just a few discussions, made Dean more confident and began bringing it up when other people were still in earshot.

The regulars gave him hell for it, but when Cas defended him with a proud gleam in his eye and an authoritative voice that sent a familiar shiver to his groin, Dean's confidence shot throughout the roof. It was moments like that, that made Dean incredibly grateful that nothing had happened between them and that they had worked everything out.

Cas had gone from his brother's boyfriend to one of the most important people in his life. No one had ever effected him so much, and so deeply. Dean continued to push aside all thoughts of romance, shaking away the short glimpses of skin, or closing his eyes forcefully whenever Cas would bend over behind the bar. He wanted to keep things the way they were.

He didn't want to lose his best friend.

He didn't want to screw up the strong relationship they had worked so hard building the last few months.

And then it all went to hell.

Charlie had stayed after her shift to have a few beers and let it slip that she knew something was going on between them.

"What?" Dean stammered, his hands suddenly gripping the dirty beer mug so tight his knuckles were white. "What are you talking about? You're insane!" His voice was an octave higher than usual but he couldn't tame it.

"Woah, I'm not going to say anything man." Charlie sipped her beer. "I'm just saying...things are...a lot deeper than they seem."

"I don't know what you are talking about." Dean said sternly, turning his back on her and moving towards the bar sink.

"Listen, all i know is that the poor guy is beating himself up constantly about something and i'm pretty sure that something is you."

"We're friends Charlie. Just friends." Dean said into the sink.

"Best friends." Charlie clarified.

"Your point?" Dean spun around, an irritated look on his face.

"Just that Cas is the only person i've ever seen you open up to like that who wasn't your brother or Bobby." SHe shrugged. "And you sure as hell don't look at Sam or Bobby the way you look at him."

"I don't-" Dean's eyes shot up to meet hers. "What do you mean? Look at him how?"

"Like he is the sun and you are the morning sky."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Really?"

"I may be drunk, but i speak the truth man." Charlie turned her beer up and finished it in a long gulp. "I'm not suggesting you do anything about it. I just want to be sure you know...what you're doing there."

"I'm not doing anything." He answered automatically.

Charlie just stared at him. "Right. Okay." She stood up then, wavering slightly before steadying herself. "Listen Dean, I don't want you to get hurt. I love you." She held his eyes, a smile on her face.

"I know." Dean said and returned her smile for a moment before dropping it. "Cas and I..." He looked down. "I don't know."

"You love him?" Charlie was almost slurring and Dean intended to lie through his teeth but instead just found himself smiling again.

"Goodnight Charlie." He pointed to the door.

She rolled her eyes and threw her hands up, backing away. "Alright, i can take a hint!" She leaned over the bar one last time and whispered. "But for the record, I'm pretty sure he's in love with you." With that she pushed herself back and went stumbling out of the bar with a wave. " Night Dean!"

Dean recounted that conversation over and over the last couple of weeks. He couldnt really be sure of what Charlie had said, that Cas loved him, but deep down he knew it was true. He knew it just as easily as he knew the truth about his own feelings as well.

He loved Cas too.

And he didn't just love him, he was so deeply in love with him that it hurt to think of him anymore. The three seconds of eye contact became too much and he found it impossible to look at the man without a jolt of heartache. He felt like all he could do was run, run from this feeling, run from the man himself.

Once those floodgates opened, it was almost impossible to speak to him anymore. Their amazing conversations and witty banter stalled into short and clipped small talk and strained chuckles.

It was agonizing.

And now, he had spent last night clenching his fist at his sides, willing his body not to act on the feelings that were tearing him to shreds.

He was stupid enough to think he could actually kiss him last night.

They had just finished the movie and the energy between them was so thick Dean's body felt like it was moving through mud. When Cas got up and moved to the kitchen he had followed him without thinking, his body gravitating towards the writer on its own. He remembered thinking that maybe if they just kissed once, just once, they would realize it wasn't worth it. They would have that moment and then let it go.

He stood behind the younger man as he placed his glace in the sink, feeling the heat from his back on his chest. Being that close to Cas, it did things to Dean, to his mind, that made him think kissing Cas wasn't the worst idea he had. He told himself that if Cas turned around, knowing how close Dean was to him, it would mean he wanted it too. It would mean he understood they could have that moment, and then they could move on.

But Cas didn't turn around. Even when Dean let his arm graze his, Cas didn't turn around, didn't move a muscle.

He couldn't help but feel disappointed, but as soon as he was on his way upstairs, Dean felt a flood of relief. He slapped himself across the face comically at the thought of what he was just about to do.

It was ridiculous, it was insanity.

What made him think they could kiss? What made him think that if they kissed it would only be once?

His mind was broken into fragments of thoughts and emotions that no longer seemed to go together. It felt impossible, it felt unreal and completely unfair. He had an insane amount of emotions, so many he didn't even realize he was capable of feeling at once. He tried to focus, he tried to let go of what he could, but found himself in a constant battle.

Right now, in that moment, after waking up with a hard-on for his little brother's boyfriend (again), all he could focus on was anger.

Anger at himself.

"Morning." Sam said brightly as he exited the bathroom. There was an excessive amount of moisture in the air and Dean could see the droplets of water still clinging to his brother's hair. His smile made Dean want to run back to his bed, but the man in the room behind him made that impossible.

"Shut up." Dean mumbled as he moved past him to the bathroom.

"I see some things don't change." Sam said through a snicker. "I'll have the coffee waiting."

"Whatever." Dean huffed as he closed the door to the bathroom and put his hands on the sides of the sink, leaning against it. He brought his eyes to his reflection and flicked them away just as quickly as they landed.

He couldn't stand to look at himself.

He was disgusting.

He was weak.

He let himself fall for his brother's guy.

He let Cas fall for him.

He is responsible for all of this.

He could feel a snarl threatening his lips and he pushed himself off of the sink. He decided to forgo the shower he had planned, and just changed his clothes. He left his pajamas on the floor outside of the bedroom, not wanting to chance waking Cas up to put them inside.

Dean could smell the coffee from the stairs and silently prayed there was food already made as well. As he made his way into the kitchen, he found Charlie and Jo over a large board game spread out over the kitchen table. They were hunched over it, concentrating very hard on the small pieces that were strewn about the board.

"But if we go for the Orcs now, we can use my extra die ability." Jo said heatedly.

"The Orcs aren't our biggest problem Jo!" Charlie almost yelled with hands on either side of her head. "We have to take care of the Dragon!"

Dean stopped short and put on his standard half annoyed, half amused expression. "What the hell you two?"

"Dean, don't you think it makes more sense to get rid of the biggest threat while we're stronger, and save the weaker ones for later?" Charlie's voice was shrill and her eyes bloodshot.

Dean gave her a puzzled expression and looked over to Sam who was pouring two cups of coffee and smiling. "Have they slept?"

"Nope." Sam answered with a grin. He walked over to his big brother and handed him a cup of coffee. "This game has been going on since...what was it Charlie?"

"Four. No, Five." Charlie was pacing in front of the kitchen table and staring down at the pawn placement.

"Dean, tell her it makes no sense to go for Sapphire right now."

"I will say no such thing, and i'm embarrassed for you that you thought i would." Dean retorted with a glare. "Where is Ellen and Bobby?"

"Ellen dragged him out for black friday sales." Sam pulled the newspaper on the kitchen counter out of its sleeve and opened it up. He leaned against the counter and sipped his coffee as his eyes skimmed the pages.

"Why the hell do you care what's happening around here?" Dean snapped.

"What crawled up your ass this morning?" Sam said casually, not looking up. "Your morning funk is at a all time high."

"Shut up." He took two large gulps of his coffee, appreciating the burn on his throat. He pulled the sports section away from the pile in front of Sam and cleared a space at the kitchen table for him to sit. "No food?"

"There is food in the house. Yes." Jo said absently as she moved pawns on the board.

"Smartass." Dean said under his breath.

"Lazy ass." Jo retorted.

Dean heard the faint click of a bedroom door opening upstairs and his heart began to pound in his chest. It pushed against the wall of his chest and he almost felt the urge to clutch at it in its intensity.

Light and surely stepped footsteps on the stairs sent his stomach to his throat.

Dean's eyes traveled to the doorway to the kitchen at the exact moment Cas made an appearance, his hair ruffled in a way that matched his dream's activities. Dean felt himself swallow back the lump that rose in his throat at the sight and felt his heart reset to its new rhythm.

Cas's own gaze went directly to Dean as he entered the kitchen, not taking in surrounding until he fully appreciated the man currently gawking at him. Dean watched as he smiled hesitantly at him, and his lips curled up with no direct order from him to do so.

"What's this?" Castiel asked, his eyes wandering over to the board game the girls were still arguing silently over.

"Defenders-" Charlie began.

"Don't ask." Dean interrupted with a roll of his eyes before looking back to the newspaper he could care less about.

"- Of the Realm." She finished with a glare to Dean.

"I see." Dean looked up to find Cas studying the game, his hands on his impeccably structured hips. He was still wearing his pajama pants and t-shirt from the night before and Dean could see a sliver of his stomach as Cas' hand unconsciously scratched at it. He forcefully removed his eyes from the place he had been dusting kisses less than an hour ago in his mind.

He could hear Cas move towards Sam and he focused his attention even more on the sports stats below him.

"Good Morning." Cas said quietly

"How'd you sleep?" Sam asked.

"Fine. Thank you."

"Dean didn't keep you up with his snoring?"

"Hey!" Dean turned around abruptly and felt the coffee bubble up into his throat, threatening its release.

Sam had his arms around Cas' waist, and Cas' hands were around Sam's neck. Their faces were close, and Sam was smiling down at Cas brightly.

He snapped his head back to look down at the table again, not noticing the sympathetic look Charlie gave him from across the table. He heard feet shuffling, but couldn't bring himself to look back over to the couple.

"I think i'm going to go for a run." Cas said, his tone a mixture of discomfort and informative.

"Okay." Sam said easily. "You brought warm clothes to run in?"

"Yes. I'll be alright."

Dean could feel his body turning before he realized it was happening and his head was facing Cas again. He was relieved to find him out of his brother's grasp and leaning against the counter.

"Don't be stupid Cas. Its freezing outside." Dean was sure he meant to sound lighter but his tone came out harsh.

Castiel turned his head and glared at Dean. "As I just said, I came prepared. Besides, I will be running, i expect my body will heat up accordingly."

"Why don't you take him with you?" Sam asked, gesturing towards Dean. "He is extra surly this morning, could use some endorphins."

Dean grunted. "Yeah, like that'll happen."

Castiel pushed himself away from the counter and walked closer to the kitchen table, keeping his eyes on the board game. "I have another set of clothes Dean. You are welcome to join me."

Dean watched as Cas' eyes roamed around the board and looked genuinely interested in the mechanics of the game. "Its freaking freezing man."

"You were complaining about how hot it was in the house last night. Maybe some time outdoors will be refreshing." Castiel countered, still not taking his eyes away from the pawns.

"Yeah, seriously Dean." Sam interjected. "Get out."

Dean looked over his shoulder to his brother and gave him an annoyed face before turning back to Cas. "Fine."

"Yes?" Castiel asked, finally pushing his gaze to Dean's.

"Yeah." Dean said standing up.

"Alright, the clothes are in my suitcase. Choose what you want, I'll wear the others." Cas said casually. "Do you need me to get them for you?"

Dean thought about that for a moment. They would have to be alone in the bedroom, where Cas would be wearing those fucking pajama pants and standing right next to the bed he had been dreaming of him in. "No!" Dean grunted though his teeth. "I'll manage."

Castiel put his hands up in a symbol of surrender at Dean's aggressive tone. "Alright."

Dean moved his way around the kitchen table and began to leave the kitchen, leaving enough space between him and Cas so that they wouldn't touch as he left.

Just as he was passing him though, Cas moved into Dean's body, just enough to brush forearms, and Dean felt like he was stabbed with a hot poker, its heat shooting through his entire body. He did his best not to react but found his jeans growing tighter in an instant.

His entire body came alive at the slightest bit of contact and he couldn't imagine what it would be like if he actually ever experienced his dream for real. He felt like he had an entire lifetime of sexual frustration pent up under his skin, and he was itching for a release.

Maybe a run would be a good idea after all.


	16. Make it Without You

Dean bent his knee and pulled his foot into his hand behind him, stretching his hamstring. He leaned against the back of his car while Cas balanced easily on one foot in front of him. They were wearing a few layers to keep them warm, but Dean was already cursing the cold between puffs of hot breath on the frozen air.

"This is stupid." He muttered, switching legs and pulling his foot as far as he could up and backwards.

"I always thought Sam was exaggerating your disdain for mornings." Cas said with a sly smile. The cold had caused more blood to rush to his lips, and Dean couldn't help but linger on the perfectly pink full lips. "And cold."

"Sam is a bitch." Dean mumbled before letting his foot drop and bending over to touch his toes. "And so are you for wanting to do this right now."

"You agreed to it." Cas pointed out.

"Well Cas, I think it's pretty clear that I'm not exactly playing with a full deck lately." He pulled himself up and stepped towards his friend who was glaring at him.

"If you're going to act like this, I'd rather you just stay here."

Dean scowled for a moment before letting himself rest in the blue of Castiel's irises. He let out a sigh, along with the weight that was causing his sour mood and dipped his head. "I'm sorry man."

Cas stepped forward and placed his hand on Dean upper arm for a fraction of a second before bringing it back. "Are you alright? Is there something-"

"Yeah. No, there's nothing. Just tired." Dean avoided Cas' gaze. "Lets go."

He began to jog towards the road, not turning around to see if Castiel was going to follow. He heard him though, his light steps falling in quickly beside him as they found a steady pace.

Dean could feel his knee already arguing with his decision to run, but he pushed through it. It had been awhile since he went for a jog outside, his usual workout routine usually included boxing at a gym down the street from the bar and circuit programs he learned from a guy he used to date. It kept his body lean and defined, but not overly muscular like his brother. He preferred it that way.

He let the cold air burn his lungs as he sucked it in slowly, keeping his breath even and steady as he ran down the dirt road that Bobby lived off of. He could hear Cas breathing next to him, and tried his best to match him breath for breath.

Dean didn't do it purposefully, but he found himself looking out of the corner of his eyes as they traveled down the dirt road and turned onto a cleared path through the woods. Cas had his eyes forward most of the time, but not looking out at the scenery before him. Dean could tell he was thinking, he could almost see the thoughts scrolling across the man's eyes.

It was something Dean had gotten used to as he and Cas had gotten closer, that pensive look that told him Cas would be with him in a minute. Dean let him think, sometimes just staring at him as his mind worked through whatever it was he was contemplating. He loved it, just watching him think. Witnessing Cas bring an insane thought to life, Dean couldn't get enough of it.

"You're going to run into a tree Dean." Cas huffed, his eyes still forward but not seeing.

Dean blinked forcefully and snapped his eyes forward, he hadn't realized he was staring.

The path had some overgrowth, but was mostly clear and Dean fell in behind Cas' stride as it narrowed the deeper into the woods they got.

"Any idea where you're going?" Dean asked.

"No." Cas said as casually as he could between strained breaths.

"Oh. That's good." Dean said sarcastically and rolled his eyes again. He pushed himself forward so that he could pass Cas and lead them to another path that would circle them back to Bobby's house.

Cas must not have realized his intention because when Dean made a move to run past him, his body moved into Dean's instead of making room for him on the path. They collided with much more force than Dean would have thought possible for the speed they were going. Dean saw the earth shake around him and then a hot sharp pain stabbing his knee. He went down to the ground with a thud, his elbow catching a great deal of his weight before his head hit.

A second later his body was crushed with the weight of something large enough to make him see stars on impact. He closed his eyes in a wince of pain.

"Umph." Cas groaned. "Wha- Oh Dean." Dean felt the weight above him shift and he opened his eyes. "I'm sorry."

He was sprawled out on his back, and Cas was laying on top of him.

He could feel the hard lines of Cas' body against his, and the familiar weight of a thigh between his legs. His body reacted immediately, having Cas pressing against his groin sending enough dopamine to his brain to block out the pain he knew his knee was trying to scream at him.

Cas was staring down at him. His face was only inches above him, his blue eyes piercing though him and tearing down all of the walls he had built that morning. Their chests heaved against one another, completely breathless and not just from the run.

"Cas." Dean whispered.

Cas stayed silent, a battle behind his eyes, a war being fought in his mind that Dean knew all too well. He could feel Cas' heart hammering against his own chest, his skin electrifying at the intensity. He knew he should push Castiel off of him. He knew he should squirm away and deal with the wreck that was his knee, but looking up at Cas, he was completely lost. He saw the inner turmoil, he saw the thoughts racing behind Cas' eyes and wanted so desperately to just watch him.

Watch him think, watch him work out whatever it was he wanted to happen in that moment, watch him decide.

Cas shifted his weight again, this time bringing himself up on his elbow slightly so that some of his weight was taken off of Dean but leaving his leg between Dean's. It was almost imperceptible, but Dean could swear Cas leaned his face down closer to Dean's for just a second before closing his eyes and letting out a loud breath, pushing himself up and onto his knees.

His sudden absence left Dean feeling like a limb was severed, and he was now suffering from phantom limb syndrome. The heat from Cas' body still caressed his senses.

Cas leaned back so that he was sitting on his ankles and looked over Dean's body. He was perched between Dean's legs, his knees digging into the dirt just below Dean's groin.

"Are you hurt?" Cas said quietly, his breathing still uneven.

It took Dean a few seconds to register the question, the sound of Cas' voice adding to the painful feeling of loss. "Uh-yea-no. My knee...i think its fucked up."

Cas' eyes widened and looked over to the knee he knew gave Dean trouble. He looked closely at it, placing his hands gingerly above and below it. "Can you bend it?"

Dean was trying not to focus on the strong but gentle hands that were sliding along his leg, and concentrated on Cas' expression.

He had lines on his forehead that showed how worried he was and his lips were pressed into a thin line.

Dean propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at his affected limb. He attempted to pull it up towards him and was rewarded with a blinding pain that went straight up his leg. "Fuck!"

"Stop!" Cas pushed Dean's leg back down, his eyes searching his knee as if it held the very treatment Dean needed. "Don't move."

Dean dropped his head back and grimaced. "Some run Cas." He didn't need to open his eyes and look at his friend to know that he was being glared at through Cas' soft eyes but hardened lips.

"You're hilarious." When Dean met his eyes, he found himself smiling. "This isn't funny Dean."

"No, but knowing exactly what expression i'll find when i look at you- That's a riot."

Cas rolled his eyes. "Come on," He rolled himself back on his ankles more and pushed himself up to standing. He reached out one hand to Dean before thinking better of it and crouching low in front of him. "I'll help you up." Their faces were inches apart again but this time Cas looked determined instead of lost, and he placed both of his hands under Dean's armpits. Dean realized what was happening and did his best to help his friend hoist him up.

They worked together to get Dean to his feet, a series of colorful phrases flying from his lips in the process. Cas pulled Dean's arm around his shoulders, and Dean bared as much weight as he could onto his friend.

"Okay, try walking." Cas said firmly, slipping his hand down to Dean's hips and pulling up slightly. Dean ignored the immeasurable amount of glee he felt at Cas' hand on his hips and tried to focus on what was most important in that moment.

Getting the fuck out of the frozen woods.

Dean stepped forward, hesitantly putting weight on his knee for an instant as he pushed himself one step. "Shit."

"That bad?" Cas asked, his voice filled with concern. "Maybe you should wait here and ill run back and get Sam to help us."

"No." Dean said quickly. "I'm fine." He hobbled forward again, this time gritting his teeth so that he didn't let his pain show as much. "See? I'm good."

Cas moved with him, letting out a sigh. "I'm so sorry Dean. I don't know what happened."

"You decided you were done with the no touching rule." Dean teased and felt Cas' shake with laughter beside him.

"That shouldn't be funny." Cas said between chuckles.

"But it is." Dean answered, looking over to his friend with a smile.

Cas nodded and slid his other hand up to Dean's arm that was slung over his shoulder, he rested it on his forearm. "Are you sure you don't want me to go get Sam? We are over a mile away, its going to take us awhile to get back."

"Just walk Cas." Dean grunted.

"Right."

They moved slowly through the woods, taking breaks every so often to let Dean rest a moment before moving again. Dean would look out of the corner of his eyes to catch Castiel staring at him, his worry written all over his face. When Dean told him to quit with that crap, he would then find Cas deep in thought, his eyes wandering around the woods blankly.

"Normally I wouldn't ask, but I kind of need the distraction right now." Dean said.

Castiel didn't need for him to elaborate but was hesitant in his response. "I was just thinking about this morning. In bed."

Dean stiffened for a moment before relaxing against his friends frame again and taking a few more steps forward. "What about it?"

"You were dreaming about me."

It wasn't a question. Dean didn't see a reason to lie.

"Yes." He sneaked a peak at Cas, whose lips twitched slightly before leveling out. His brows furrowed in the way that they do and Dean sighed.

"What- can I ask you, what it was? The dream, I mean." Dean could hear the rising panic in Cas' voice and was grateful that he wasn't the only one.

"I-uh, I don't know Cas." Dean looked down at the ground, taking a few more steps. "Dreams are pretty private man."

"Yes." Cas answered immediately, remorse coating the word like heavy silk.

Dean intended to let it go at that, his mind already began to search for something else to talk about but when his mouth opened, the words that came out weren't ones he had formed himself. "We were doing things...in bed."

Dean heard the sudden intake of breath Cas sucked in and looked at him through his lashes. His face was hot and was sure Cas could see the blood that rushed to his cheeks.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

They continued to move down the path and Dean could just make out where the path left the woods. He had come back here a few times with Bobby to help clear the weeds and brush that overflowed onto the already cleared path. It seemed Bobby hadn't been out here in awhile and he made a mental note to come back out here when he could for a nice hack job.

"Dean?"

Cas voice was trembling and Dean's whole face turned towards him.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think this is working."

Dean debated whether or not to make a joke about their method of travel but decided against it. He knew what Cas was talking about, and he was feeling anything but funny in that moment.

"No. I don't think it is either."

"May i ask you something?" Cas' voice wavered. He stopped leading Dean and turned so that he was facing him. The change in their position made it so that Dean had his arm around Cas neck as if he was pulling him in for a kiss.

The proximity did things to Dean that made it impossible for him to think straight. So he adjusted himself so that most of his weight was on his good leg and dropped his arm so that just his hand rested on Cas' shoulder for balance.

"That sounds like a bad idea Cas." Dean said solemnly, catching the crystal blue of Cas' eyes with his green ones.

Castiel ducked his head slightly and nodded. "It probably is." He offered nothing else, but didn't turn back to begin walking again either. After a moment, he brought his eyes up to capture Dean's.

And capture they did. Dean felt his mouth go dry and his heart steady into a familiar rhythm that left him feeling breathless. Looking at Cas' it was like he was finally understanding things he didn't even realize he needed answers to. Everything he had ever wanted was staring back at him, pulling him like the beautiful currents in Cas' eyes.

He licked his lips and swallowed down his nerves. "Go ahead."

Castiel tilted his head to the side for a second before understanding what Dean meant. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and took in a breath. His eyes blinked furiously for a second before steadying. "How do you feel about me Dean?"

The butterflies that were dancing in Dean's abdomen had transformed into birds flapping their wings so vigorously he worried he might actually vomit. His mouth hung open and he could feel his lip quivering but did nothing to stop it.

His head jerked unconsciously, as if reminding him where they were and who they were, and he sucked in a breath that came out in a barking huff. "I was right. Bad idea Cas."

"Yes." Cas answered slowly. "But...but i feel the answer could be important."

"Why?" Dean found himself asking, despite knowing he should let it go.

"Because...If our feelings do not align, then perhaps we could find closure and move on." He said it clearly, but Dean could tell how difficult it was for Cas to get the words out.

Dean just stared at him for a moment before his own words whispered out of his mouth. "And if they do? If they do...align?"

"Then i suppose we will deal with that next." Cas said it firmly, as if the answer was obvious and Dean was too stupid to realize it.

"Deal with?" Dean could feel the anger from this morning begin to hum beneath his skin.

"Yes."

"Deal with how exactly Cas?" Dean's voice was no longer steady, it shook under the weight of his increasing distress.

"Dean-"

"No, Cas. I want you to tell me. How the hell are we going to deal with this? I'd love to know how it is you plan to fix the major fucking shit storm that is our relationship." His words were bitter, biting through the unphased look Cas gave him.

"Calm down."

"Calm down? You've got to fucking be kidding me." Dean shook his head and pushed himself off of Castiel's shoulder hobbling to the nearest tree and leaning against it.

"I know this is difficult. Trust me, I am so far beyond disgusted with myself..." Cas placed his hands on his hips and looked up to the sky. "I'm not saying i have the answers...i'm just saying that if we are completely honest about how we feel...and what we want...perhaps we can come to some sort of solution."

"Solution." Dean mumbled under his breath, shaking his head again. "This isn't a fucking math problem Cas."

"I never implied it was similar to mathematics Dean." Cas glowered before taking a deep breath. "Would it help if i went first?"

"No." Dean said quickly.

He didn't want to hear it, he didn't want Cas to say anything that would make it that much harder for him to resist every instinct that told him to grab Cas and never let him go. "don't say anything Cas."

Cas sighed. "Alright." He took a few stepped towards the tree where Dean leaned. "But if this is just some sort of physical attraction Dean-"

"What?" Dean interrupted. "You think...what?" His face was contorted in a mixture of confusion and rage.

"Dean-"

"You know what? Fuck you Cas!" Dean shouted. "You think i would risk gutting my little brother just to get laid? You think i would let myself even be out here with you right now if it was just because i liked your ass? Are you fucking kidding me right now?" He was almost screaming, his face bright red, wet heat forming behind his eyes.

Cas moved closer, his hand outstretched and his voice soft. "Dean-"

"No." Dean raised his hand, stopping him in his tracks and Cas dropped his hand to his side. His voice was quiet again, Cas' calming tone bringing him back down. "Don't you think if i could control this...or if it was just physical...we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

The writer took another step forward, his body only a couple feet away from the broken man slumped against the tree. He just stared down at him though, waiting for Dean to say whatever it was he was still holding back.

"The truth is Cas, meeting you has been a kind of torture i didn't know i deserved." He had tears in his eyes then, he could feel them threatening to spill over but did his best to hold them back. "And no matter how i feel about you, i wont do this to Sam."

Cas nodded slowly. "I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt him either."

"But if he knew- if he knew we...he would be hurt. Cas, if he had a clue about what it is we've got going on here...he'd be crushed."

"I know."

"So we just have to stop. Stop talking about it..stop...everything." Dean pushed himself up again and did his best to stand.

"I think that will be rather difficult...and I am unwilling to lose you as my friend Dean." Castiel looked down to his hands, which were fidgeting nervously.

Dean felt like he was punched in the gut. He remembered thinking the same thing earlier that morning, that he couldn't live without this man that had become his best friend. That no matter what they went through, as long as he had him as his friend, he would be okay. Even if he wouldn't never be able to touch Cas, or love him the way he wanted, Dean would survive.

But now, staring at Cas, surrounded by freezing air and the overwhelming height of the trees above them, Dean felt like he couldn't breath. He could feel his lungs filling with cold empty air but its nourishment didn't register. Every molecule of oxygen hung like weighted sand and he felt like his chest was caving in like a mutilated sandcastle.

The truth hit him and it made him want to crumple to the ground.

He didn't want to be friends with Cas.

He couldn't be his friend. It would never be what it should be, it would always be more.

He would always want him, he would always need him.

He would always love him.

When he finally spoke, his words were strangled, hips lips slick with the tears that had finally fallen.

"I don't want to be your friend Cas."

He swallowed hard and summoned every ounce of strength he possessed to bring his eyes up to meet Cas' broken expression. "I've never been your friend Cas."

"I don't understand." Castiel said slowly, his own voice trembling.

Dean's heart sank as he realized how much pain his words caused the man standing before him. The man who meant so much to him, Cas' sadness pooled within Dean as well. He wanted to take it away, he wanted desperately to make everything okay.

He made a decision then.

He knew what he needed to do, and it would set everything right again.

But first, first he was going to be honest.

Because Cas deserved that. He needed to know the truth.

When he opened his mouth to speak, Dean did so with a finality that steadied his jaw and dried his tears.

"Cas, you can't be friends with someone you're in love with."


	17. Please Dont Go

Dean allowed Castiel to help him back to Bobby's house, but they did so in silence.

After his confession, Castiel had opened his mouth to speak but Dean threw his hand up so fast it startled the writer and his words were lost on his tongue.

"don't. I don't want to hear you say anything." Dean had said softly. "If you...just don't Cas."

Cas had nodded slowly, but Dean could see the difficulty in his compliance.

He tried to speak once more when they were just clearing the woods but Dean interrupted him and squeezed Cas' shoulder in a silent plea.

Cas didn't try to say anything again.

As they entered the house, Dean could hear Sam and Jo in the kitchen and was about to make a joke about getting him to the hospital. but Cas' hand was over his mouth before he could.

Dean's eyes darted to the blue ones next to him to see a startled looking Cas, and a finger to his lips. Dean didn't understand what was happening until Cas then gestured towards the kitchen.

"Jo, seriously That's the craziest thing i've ever heard." Sam's voice floated through the foyer even though it was as close to a whisper as he could manage.

"Listen Sam, I'm not saying anything is happening I'm just saying...i've noticed things..."

Sam sighed. "What kind of things?" He sounded more placating then interested.

"They look at each other a lot. And that thing at dinner? Dean was practically holding his hand at one point."

Sam was silent for a long moment and Dean felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

"Look..maybe i've seen a thing or two that if it wasn't my brother and Cas...i would think maybe...but Jo, trust me, they would never." Cas still had his hand over Dean's mouth and he was grateful for it because he let out a strangled groan at his brother's words.

"Sam-"

"No Jo. Cas loves me, i have no doubt in my mind that man loves me. And Dean? Dean is my brother. He would rather die than do something that would hurt me. It just would never happen. Trust me." Sam's voice was steady and even, like he had no doubt in his mind his words were true.

"Hey guys." Charlie's voice came from the hallway leading to the stairs, she sounded half-asleep.

Dean felt Cas almost jump out of his skin and braced himself to be dropped. Cas adjusted his hold but managed to keep Dean upright.

"Dean? What happened?"

Oh right. He was hurt.

He could ignore the very real conversation that just took place between his brother and Jo and focus on his physical pain instead.

"Cas felt i only needed one knee." He joked, but there was no sign of humor in his voice.

Cas stayed silent and moved Dean forwards through the hallway and into the kitchen.

"Hey- Dean? What happened man?" Sam pushed himself up from where he sat at the kitchen table.

"Knee." Dean grunted. "Fucked."

Cas led him to a chair and helped him sit down. Dean could feel his eyes on him, but refused to look up. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Cas' voice was deflated and it sent an ache straight to Dean's heart. He kept his eyes down to his knee.

"I'm going to get some ice." Cas said quietly and walked over to the fridge.

"I can do it." Sam said, stopping him. "You look pretty wrecked babe. You want to grab a shower?"

Cas hesitated but then nodded. "Yes. Thank you." He turned rather abruptly and left the kitchen without looking back.

Dean didn't know how he was going to survive the rest of the day let alone the rest of the weekend after the conversation he had just had with Cas. And apparently, Cas didn't either since he couldn't wait to get as far away from him as he could. Dean knew it was for the best, but felt so incredibly empty without Cas nearby.

"Dude, how bad is it?" Sam said as he filled a plastic bag with ice.

Dean did his best to keep his attention on the swelling limb before him. "Not sure. didn't hear a snap or anything. Probably just twisted it or something."

Jo brought a chair with a pillow over and placed it in front of Dean. "Here. Prop it up."

Dean felt like he wanted to say something rude to her, after what he had heard her say, but forced himself to thank her.

"I'm going to go get some sleep." She said after nodding to Dean. "Sorry you're a klutz."

"Shut up." Dean said as lightly as he could manage.

Jo snickered as she left the kitchen, throwing Charlie a high-five as she did.

"Catan tonight?" Charlie asked over her shoulder.

"You're on." Jo yelled from the stairway.

Sam brought a bag of ice with a dishtowel over to Dean and placed it in his hand. "IB Profin?"

"Yeah, good idea." Dean winced as he put the ice on his knee.

"They're out." Charlie said casually as she moved farther into the kitchen and took a seat at the table.

"How do you know?" Sam asked.

"Because i've been looking for something to drain this headache and the only thing i found was ten year old baby aspirin." She rolled her eyes and placed her head in her hands.

"I'll run out." Sam said quickly, he was already moving towards the coat closet.

Dean thought about not letting his brother go, telling him he was fine and not to worry about it, but decided against it. His knee hurt like a bitch, but it was also incredibly difficult to look Sam in the eye at the moment. "Yeah, thanks man."

Sam threw him a wave and grabbed the keys to the impala. "Be right back."

"You be careful." Dean pointed at him and used his most intimidating voice.

"don't worry, your baby will be just fine Dean." Dean could hear the irritation in his little brothers voice.

"That's right, she will." Dean threatened back, the front door slamming just as he finished.

Dean turned his attention to Charlie who was barely awake, slumping her head on her arms on the table. "You gunna make it?" He teased.

"Wha-?" Charlie's head darted up as if being pulled out of sleep. "Huh?"

"Go to bed Charlie." Dean ordered.

"No. Sleep is for losers." She mumbled. "I will not admit defeat."

"Uh-huh." Dean sighed, his eyes traveling back down to the ice bag on his knee.

"Hurt?" Charlie asked from beside him.

He glared at her. "No. Its like a damn fairytale over here."

Charlie scrunched her face at Dean's comment and her eyes widened slightly, sleepiness melting away. "Interesting choice of words."

"Huh?" Dean's puzzled look was accompanied by one more fearful.

"Well," Charlie lead forward and lowered her voice slightly. "The bloodshot eyes, the look on Cas' face when you two got back, plus the incredibly pained look on yours-"

"Uhh." Dean motioned to his knee.

"Not that kind of pain Dean." Charlie said softly.

Dean met her gaze for a moment before lowering his eyes to his knee again. "Drop it Charlie."

"No." She said sternly. "Let's go Dean. Lay it out for me."

"Lay what out for you." Dean shook his head, pretending not to understand.

"don't play dumb Dean. Something happened on your run." She wiggled her fingers towards herself to indicate that she expected him to continue. "Give it up."

"Charlie, seriously?"

Charlie grinned. She could hear his resolve to remain stoic crumbling despite what he said. She kept her mouth shut and stared her friend down, waiting patiently for him to break.

He held her eyes for a long minute, determined not to give in, but ultimately decided he needed to talk to someone and Charlie was definitely the only person he could go there with.

Dean huffed out a loud breath and leaned his head back on his chair. "Fine. Yes, something happened."

"Did you kiss?" Charlie whispered, a shadow of a smile on her lips.

"No!" Dean shot back quickly. "Of course not."

"Oh. Well what then?"

"We kind of got in a fight. And maybe there was a moment where he looked like he was going to kiss me...and i probably would have let it happen." Dean blushed for a second before guilt ripped through his features.

Charlie's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Well it was just he was on top of me-"

"What?" Charlie squealed.

"-from the fall and we were already so close...everything was all screwed up in my head." Dean explained.

"Okay... but that doesn't explain why Cas looks like he has cancer of the puppy." Charlie pressed.

"I maybe sort of told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore."

Charlie gasped and Dean lowered his head. "Right before i told him i was in love with him."

Dean didn't hear Charlie respond and peaked a look at her to find his friend's mouth hanging open and her face contorted in shock. When she finally spoke her voice barely worked and Dean practically had to read her lips to understand. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah." He looked back down to his knee and pulled the ice bag off. He fiddled with it for a moment, letting his thumb grace over the cold and wet plastic, before tossing it onto the table.

"What did he say?" Charlie was leaning forward now, her entire body wrapped up in their conversation.

"Nothing. I told him not to."

"And he listened?" Charlie looked unconvinced.

"Yeah. I think he knows its for the best." Dean sighed.

Charlie jerked her head slightly to the side. "Do you think he loves you too?"

"You're the one who said he did a few weeks ago." Dean groaned.

"Yeah but what do i know? What do you think?"

"I don't know...sometimes i think maybe...but why would he? I mean he has Sam, he loves Sam. He cant love someone like him and then love someone like me."

"What do you mean someone like you?"

"You know- im not smart like Sam or put together...i know i talk a lot of shit but i think we both know which brother is the better catch."

"Dean, That's not true. You and Sam are different, sure. But neither of you is better than the other...you're both awesome in your own ways."

Dean shrugged. "Cas deserves someone like Sam."

"And what about Sam? Does he deserve for his brother and his boyfriend to be in love with each other?"

Dean felt the air push out of his lungs in a painful punch and groaned. "No...but how do you just stop loving someone?"

"I don't know, i've never had to do it." Charlie answered simply. She placed her hand on Dean's arm. "Time, i think is the standard answer."

"Time? Fuck...i feel like i'm dying everyday. I cant give this anymore time...it needs to be done now." Dean gritted his teeth, as he felt his anger renew.

"Hey-" Charlie tried to soothe but Dean pushed her arm away.

"No, I know what i gotta do." Dean's tone was forceful but Charlie could see the uncertainty in his eyes. "I have to leave. That's the only way."

"Leave? Dean-"

"Leave town...go start over somewhere else. I can ask Bobby if he knows of anyone needing help in their shop. I'll just remove myself entirely."

"I don't think-"

"I cant do this anymore Charlie!" Dean voice began to shake. "Every time I...I just cant do this. I cant see him, I cant be around him, i cant...i just cant." He knew he was on the verge on tears again but squashed them down with a surge of anger.

"And don't you dare tell anyone about this!" He was almost shouting.

Charlie threw up her hands. "Hey, don't get pissy with me. I'll keep your stupid little plan a secret Dean, but I'm going to go on record to say that i think its shit. I think you leaving is going to solve exactly zero of your problems and i think you are just running away."

"You're damn straight." Dean jerked his head in a nod. "Were you paying attention?"

"And you're okay with that? Running away and giving up?"

"I'm not giving anything up Charlie." Dean grimaced. "i'm making a decision that will make everyone's lives a hell of a lot easier."

"And what about your life? What will it do to you?" Charlie questioned, her tone aggressive. "Because as far as i can tell, you're doing what you always do. Give up everything for the people you love, making yourself suffer in the process."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Dean glared but Charlie kept going.

"I think you're hoping without you around, Cas is just going to magically not love you anymore and live happily ever after with Sam. I think you are under the delusion that not seeing your best friend anymore will somehow make you forget how much he means to you- how head over heels for him you are. I think you are fucking kidding yourself if you think leaving is going to do anyone any good."

Dean just stared at her. He knew she was probably right. He knew that if he left he would be leaving behind the most amazing feeling he had ever experienced. But he hoped he would also be leaving the torturous hell those feelings brought on. Charlie may think he was taking the easy way out, but he knew leaving would be excruciating all on its own.

"Well That's not your decision to make." Dean said quietly, closing his eyes and lowering his head. His sudden descent back into melancholy brought back Charlie's softer side and she hesitantly placed her hand back on his arm.

"Dean, this is truly awful...what you are going through. And i'm so sorry it happened to you, but i want you to know i'm really proud of you for thinking of your brother...and not letting yourself go there with Cas. I know it must be difficult, especially knowing he has feelings for you too."

Dean shrugged. "don't praise me Charlie. I was stupid enough to let myself get this far. I don't deserve any of that."

"Dean look at me." Charlie raised her hand to Dean's chin and forced his face to angle towards hers. He opened his eyes and she could immediately see the overwhelming sadness that filled them. "You deserve the best. You deserve everything and anyone you want. I'm sorry its Sam's brother, i really am. But maybe...Cas and Sam aren't meant to be. Maybe they'll bre-"

"don't." Dean interrupted. "That's not fair to Sam."

"I'm just saying-"

"I know what you're saying." Dean put his hand over Charlie's. "I appreciate...you know..what you're trying to do here...but I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Are you sure? Because Dean-"

Dean squeezed her hand gently. "I'm sure. I should just-"

They heard footsteps on the stairs and by their weight Dean knew they belonged to Cas. He threw a quick glance to Charlie who pretended to zip her lip then throw an imaginary key over her shoulder. He rolled his eyes but then startled when she stood up abruptly. She leaned over him and placed a kiss on his forehead.

Dean threw a begging glance up at her, knowing she intended to leave him alone with Cas, but Charlie just smiled sweetly and ruffled his hair. Cas entered the kitchen then and Charlie turned her attention to him. "I think i'll have that nap after all." She said innocently, not looking back at Dean as she walked out of the kitchen.

Dean was silently begging her to stay, and began making a list of all the ways he was going to make her pay for leaving him there alone with Cas. He watched as he turned awkwardly like he wanted to follow Charlie out of the kitchen, but ultimately just ended up shuffling his feet around the kitchen's entrance.

Dean wanted to run, but the combination of his body wanting nothing to do with that plan and his knee actively campaigning against any movement at all, left him feeling exposed and vulnerable. Cas seemed to be debating making a run for it as well, but when he finally brought his eyes to Dean's face he stepped forward instead of back. "H-How does it feel?"

"Uh- cold. Ice." Dean motioned towards the bag on the table and decided to pick it up and place it on his knee again, using any barrier he could.

"Right." Cas nodded and paused a few feet away. "Can I get you anything? Water perhaps?"

"Yeah, water would be good." Dean said with a nod.

Cas smiled slightly, probably because his body had something it could do and he strode farther into the kitchen with purpose. He pulled a glass down from the cabinet and filled it with water from the fridge's filter. When he brought it to Dean, he motioned to hand it to him before thinking better of it and placing it on the table in front of him instead.

Cas sat down across the table from him and laced his fingers together on its surface. He avoided making eye contact for a long minute before bringing his face up and staring directly at Dean, his gaze focused and steady.

"I'm going to break up with Sam." His voice was determined and Dean choked on the water he was swallowing. He coughed violently a few times, pulling his arm up to cover his mouth as he eyes went wide and stared at Castiel.

"Cas!" Dean sputtered. "You cant just say that shit!"

"I realize that breaking up with Sam may not change things between us, but i feel its no longer fair to him to stay in this relationship." Cas said, his lip trembling slightly. "I love him Dean. I do. But this isn't right...i shouldn't feel the way i do about you and still get to share my life with him."

Dean was too shocked to speak, his chest rising and falling so quickly he was sure he looked comical.

"Cas-"

"No Dean, you know this is the right thing to do. I was just too much of a coward to admit it before. The way i feel about you...its not going away and its not fair to Sam-"

"Cas wait." Dean interrupted. "You don't need to do that. I know you don't want to lose him-"

"I don't want to lose you either Dean." Cas said quietly, looking down to his hands.

"Well, I've kind of made up my mind about that." Dean said hesitantly, not sure he was ready to tell Cas his plan but finding it impossible to shut up. "I'm going to leave."

"What?" Cas' eyes shot up, his brow furrowing and his eyes widening.

"If i'm gone, things between you and Sam will go back to normal. You can forget about all of this and just be happy."

"Dean-"

"No Cas, no matter what happens...you and i...it cant happen. Even if you and Sam weren't together...its not like he'd be cool with us...you know?" Dean sighed. "So I'm going."

"Dean please," Castiel was close to dropping on his knees and begging. "You cant... I cant...please don't go."

Dean felt his heart drop at the pleading sound in Cas' voice, and looked away, unable to see the crushed look in Cas' eyes. "Its what's best for everyone Cas." He said quietly.

"Its not." The writer's hands were shaking and Dean wanted to hold them so desperately. "Its not what's best...not for you. Not for me."

"Its what's best for Sam." Dean argued. "If I leave, you and Sam can go back to being...you and Sam."

Castiel shook his head and Dean could see tears forming behind his eyes. Suddenly he felt his hand warm, and looked down to find he had placed his over Cas'. He didn't know how it had happened, but he didn't move it. He was leaning over the table, his knee straining from the angle. Dean knew he should remove his hand, but couldn't help comforting the man he loved.

"Cas." Dean whispered as he stroked the back of Castiel's hand, taking in the pleasure it sent straight to his heart.

He watched Castiel trace the movement and tried his best to pull some of the grief off of Cas and take it on himself.

"When?" Cas whispered back, his voice shaking.

"After Christmas." Dean sighed. "Charlie would kill me if i left before the holiday thing at the bar and I've got a gig with the band i cant back out of."

Cas nodded solemnly and turned his hand over to clasp Dean's hand in his. "I understand."

Dean could feel his body temperature rising at the feel of Cas' palm against his own, Cas' thumb stroking the inside of his wrist. He had never felt something so electric in his life and was suddenly desperate for more. He scooted himself closer and took the bag of ice off of his knee. He placed his other hand on top of Cas' who looked up at him and gave him a sad smile.

When he spoke, Cas' voice shook with the weight of everything they were giving up in that moment.

"You know i love you too."

The words hit him like a tide, so fast it overwhelmed his senses at first, then lulled him into a blissful serenity. And in that moment, he knew it was true. He could look back at all times he caught Cas staring at him, all the moments they shared over the last year, the way Cas cared, the way Cas seemed to need Dean just as much as he needed Cas. The idea comforted him just as much as it tortured him.

Dean smiled. It wasn't the easy smile he knew he wore for Cas, but it was as close as he could get given the circumstances. He squeezed Cas' hand beneath his and looked deeply into his eyes, letting the happiness of hearing the words out loud overcome the sadness of knowing it didn't matter.

"I know."


	18. Ache

_December 7, 2010_

 _I'm terrified._

 _I live in constant fear. Fear of losing Sam, fear of Dean leaving. Fear of being found out for the sick worthless piece of shit i am._

 _Fear of never feeling for Sam what it is i feel for Dean_

 _If i could rip open my heart, I'd pull it apart, piece by piece and stitch it back together again, leaving Dean out of it._

 _Its agony._

 _I don't want to feel it. I want it to be gone. If he is going to go i just want him to be gone already._

 _I've tried. I pretend. I ignore. I lie to myself. My eyes don't lie._

 _They are traitors to my soul, my heart. They scream out and i pray they are misunderstood._

 _I haven't looked in a mirror in months._

 _I don't see the man who loves Sam anymore, the man who has earned redemption, the man who has found the love he always wanted._

 _I see the man who loves Sam but want to leave him to be with Dean._

 _I see a man i never wanted to be, i see a man I swore i would never be._

 _I see a man I hate._

The remainder of their Thanksgiving weekend was a combination of awkward silences and random stomach aches that caused someone to leave the room abruptly.

After Dean told Castiel his plan, Cas was unable to think of anything else. The thought of never seeing him except maybe during the holidays, it was driving him so far over the edge he found himself rehearsing his breakup speech to Sam and his 'take me with you' speech to Dean. He could never get through the breakup speech though, because despite how desperate he was to be with Dean, Cas couldn't hurt Sam. He still loved him. He knew that Sam didn't deserve to be treated that way. And like Dean said, even if he and Sam weren't together, its not like Dean and Cas would get a green light. Them not being together, it was a forever kind of deal.

He stayed up the final night at Bobby and Ellen's willing himself to think only of his castaway fantasy as Dean tossed and turned in the bed next to him.

He had imagined it enough to have his fantasy almost fully formed, somewhere he could go when he wanted to be alone with thoughts of Dean.

They would crash land on some remote island, maybe it would be a family vacation or maybe Dean and Cas were meeting everyone at their destination later because they had to work.

Cas usually went with the latter so that Sam didn't have to die.

They would spend weeks gathering supplies and making a suitable shelter. When it rained they would find cover under large trees or huddle together under the place where they slept. It wouldn't be cold, but somehow they would end up cuddling most nights.

Their first kiss would be near a waterfall somewhere. Cas imagined he would be cleaning himself off, water from the roaring waterfall splashing onto his body, and Dean would come up behind him. There would be no warning, no pause in his pursuit of Castiel's lips. The kiss would be long and sensual and if it were in a movie Cas was pretty sure there would be a popular indie folk song playing as their tongues slid together.

He pictured them sliding together under their shelter, the rain still pounding above them and their breath hot and sticky on skin. He let himself feel the weight of Dean above him, his hands caressing his body in a way he knew could never happen. Cas imagined a life with him on that island, a life where they didn't have to hide or pretend. A life full of love and happiness, despite their circumstances.

Then of course, his brain would circle back to reality and they would be rescued and brought back to the real world. Back to Sam, back to the life they led when they weren't together. Because that was the truth of it all. The only way they could be together would be for them to escape. And that wasn't going to happen.

Cas didn't sleep more than a couple hours that night, and the following morning Dean was already waiting in the Impala by the time he made his way out of the bedroom. The drive back was excruciatingly long, and incredibly quiet. Cas found respite in Charlie's sympathetic smile, but ultimately just closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

When Dean dropped them off at their apartment, Sam slid across the car to hug his brother, and Cas just stood outside of the car awkwardly, doing his best not to show how terrible he felt.

"I've got a couple finals but I'll be at your gig on Thursday." Sam said as he slid out of the car.

"You don't have to Sam, its not big deal." Dean waved him off, an ingenuine smile lifting the corners of his mouth.

"I know. I just want to be able to throw shit at you." Sam deadpanned. He held the front door open for Charlie who climbed into the front seat.

"Nice." Dean nodded and rolled his eyes.

"What i'm here for." Sam closed the front door and leaned into the front seat to kiss Charlie on her cheek. "Later Charlie. Glad you came."

"Thanks Sam. Me too." She smiled brightly and looked past Sam to see a very dejected looking Cas. "Hey there soldier, got some love for me?"

Cas gave her a half smile and shuffled forward, kissing her on her forehead. His eyes flicked to Dean's as he pulled back and found the older man staring at him intensely. As soon as he was caught, Dean looked away quickly. Cas face fell and found Charlie looking back at him expectantly. She raised her eyebrows and jerked her head back slightly to gesture to Dean.

Cas was started at first, but realized it would be odd if he didn't say goodbye to Dean. He opened his mouth to speak but found no voice waiting for him. He cleared his throat and tried again, this time his voice coming out gruff and shaky.

"Goodbye Dean."

Dean almost jumped at Cas words, and he sucked in a quick gasp. His eyes darted to Cas' then to Charlie's, then back to the writer's before steeling themselves to look out the windshield.

"Bye Cas." His words came out a whisper and they sent chills through Castiel's body.

He knew it wouldn't be the last time he saw Dean. He knew he would see him in just a few days, but their goodbye felt so weighted, Cas felt like he might vomit. He backed away from the car with a push and almost fell into Sam's body.

He watched as the Impala pulled out of the apartment complex, his chest rising and falling as a habit but still finding it difficult to breath.

"You alright?" Sam asked, placing his hand on the small of Cas' back.

"Yes." Cas answered without thinking. He paused a long moment, contemplating making a run for it and giving everything up right then. He sighed and shook his head. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

He made himself look up at Sam, return the smile he knew would be waiting for him.

As soon as he did he realized he could do this. He could let go of everything else and hold on to Sam.

There was a reason he fell in love with Sam in the first place. It was because Sam was good. He was handsome and intelligent, he was everything he had always wanted.

He could do this.

He could give Dean up as long as he knew Sam would be by his side for the rest of his life. He could give up everything he knew he was sacrificing if it meant that he would never be alone, that he would get to see Sam smile everyday.

And then Sam turned away and headed towards their apartment.

And then he couldn't do it anymore.

 _December 15, 2010_

 _I tried to break up with him._

 _If someone else had been a witness to our conversation, they probably wouldn't have realized that was what i was trying to do though._

 _I brought up how young we are and how quickly our lives have changed and he just seemed pleased. He asked me if i was happy with our life together...and what could i say? No? Because i don't feel That's entirely accurate. I am happy with my life with Sam. The life we have together is beautifully simple._

 _Its the life i lead with out him that i love more though. The life where i'm writing at ridiculous hours of the night and drinking whiskey until i don't hate the words i type out._

 _The life where i get to see Dean. The imaginary life where i get to be with Dean._

 _I love that life more._

 _I told him i did though. I told him i loved him, because its true._

 _He smiled so brightly i couldn't add that i loved his brother too._

 _I have been very affectionate towards Sam this week, I assume its some sort of coping mechanism for the guilt that is threatening to tear it all down. Being close to him though, it helps me remember why I'm not running to Dean right now._

 _I think Dean must be right. If we can never be together, then he has to leave. Its going to break me in places i never knew to be fragile, but he has to go._

 _I am going to tell Sam that we should go Gabriel's for Christmas._

 _I cant spend another weekend with Dean in that bedroom._

"You about ready?" Sam called from the living room.

"Give me five minutes." Castiel answered through their bedroom door. He was staring at himself in the mirror, inspecting his carefully chosen attire and barely styled mess of hair. He was wearing dark jeans that clung to his runner's thighs, a white button down, and a grey vest. He decided to pull on the black rimmed glasses as well.

He stared at his choice in clothing for a long minute, never letting his eyes land on his face.

"Come on babe, I cant even see you but i'm sure you look hot as hell. Lets go!" Sam whined. "I've got an exam in the morning and I don't want to be out late."

Castiel rolled his eyes and let out a loud groan. "I'm coming."

Their cab was waiting for them when they exited their apartment and they slid in quickly. Sam told the driver the address and Castiel leaned his head back.

"Do you think Dean is nervous?" Sam asked, pulling Cas' hand into his.

"He has done this before. I'm sure he is fine." Cas said blandly, he closed his eyes.

"This is much bigger though, his other gigs were pretty low key. They are playing at The Vine- That's gotta be nerve racking." Sam thumped his thumb along the ridge of the opened window as he looked out into the night.

"Perhaps." Castiel didn't open his eyes.

When they arrived at the bar, Castiel could feel his body begin humming at the knowledge that he would see Dean soon. He tried to restrain himself, tried to bring himself back down to earth, but he couldn't help the way his blood began pulsing and throbbing beneath his skin.

Sam pulled Castiel to the bar to get them drinks before finding a place on the dance floor where they waited for Dean's band to come out. They had already set up their instruments and equipment, but the musicians were no where to be seen.

"Are we that early?" Cas asked, his eyes scanning the area around the stage.

"They probably wont come on until at least five minutes after." Sam answered with a smile. "Its like a status thing."

"I see." Cas' expression told Sam that he did not, in fact- see, but said no more on the subject.

"Hey!" Charlie came bounding up behind them and wrapping her arms around each of their waists. "Prime real estate guys!"

"How did you get out of your shift at the bar?" Cas asked, gently removing himself from Charlie's grasp.

"Oh Ash is back, you know since Dean- uh, Ash just needed some extra cash." Charlie said quickly, hoping Sam didn't pick up on her mention of Dean.

Sam didn't know Dean planned to leave, and Cas nor Charlie was going to be the one to tell him.

After a few more minutes of waiting and talking with Charlie, a man Cas didn't recognize climbed onto the stage and grabbed the microphone. "Alright, alright are you guys ready for some music?"

The crowd roared.

"Alright then lets give it up for Benny and the Jets!"

Castiel smirked at the title, knowing Dean would prefer not to be called a Jet, but his smile faltered when Dean and the rest of the band came out from behind a black curtain. Cas saw immediately that Dean was wearing his wide fake smile he put on for customers at the bar that he didn't feel comfortable with. He loved that he knew that Dean's smile wasn't a real one, but was also worried about what it could mean.

"Hey guys." Dean's voice was coating the sound system and Cas felt himself melting slowly. "We're gunna go ahead and sing some songs for ya." The crowd screamed again, and Cas heard a woman yell her appreciation for Dean's physique. "Yeah- okay." Dean said awkwardly before turning back to Benny who was placed behind the drums. Benny nodded and began to cue them for the first song.

When the music began, Cas felt his stomach flipping in his abdomen. He felt incredibly apprehensive, like it was he who was on stage about to perform. He could feel his mouth go dry and his hands begin to shake. When his eyes found the green eyed man counting out beats above him, he saw that Dean's hands were shaking slightly around the microphone.

The sight made Cas let out a sigh of relief for some unknown reason and tried to focus his energy into calming himself down, hoping that it would somehow help Dean settle as well. He took in three long breaths and let them out slowly. Cas closed his eyes as the instrumental intro to the song picked up its pace and then opened them as it slowed. He willed Dean to find his eyes through the crowd. He stared at him and pushed green to meet blue through a sea of unfamilars.

He wasn't surprised when Dean's eyes landed on his just a few seconds later.

Cas could see his shoulders visibly relax and a small smile pull at his lips before his mouth opened to begin singing. Cas didn't recognize the song, but he was barely paying attention to the music itself, focusing all of his energy on keeping Dean with him. Dean's smile transformed into the easy one he wore just for Cas as he moved into the rock ballad's chorus, only breaking eye contact for seconds at a time, always landing back home to Cas.

"They're really good!" Sam yelled into Cas' ear, and Cas knew he should turn and look at his boyfriend but he couldn't tear himself away from the magnet that was Dean's gaze. "Yeah, not bad." He mostly mumbled back.

"Do you want me to take a picture for you?" Sam was laughing next to him and when the meaning of his words caught up to him, Cas pulled himself back and look up to Sam with a cautious face.

"No. Unless you think Dean would like one." His eyes darted to Charlie for reassurance but she only shrugged and turned away.

"Oh come on, I'm just kidding." Sam leaned down closer to Cas ear so that he didn't have to yell so loud. "It's alright, being in a band makes everyone a helluva lot hotter."

"Hotter? Wha-? No...Sam I wasn't-" Cas was shaking his head and he could tell his face was hot but Sam was just laughing.

"Seriously, babe- I'm just screwing with you!"

"Very funny." Cas was barely able to keep his face from showing the full range of his emotions in that moment, but let himself follow the lines of Dean's body up to his face again. He was wearing well faded jeans and a light green and blue plaid shirt that made his eyes look brilliant. Cas listened as they finished up the first song and shifted uncomfortably as women threw compliments at Dean before the second song began.

This one Cas recognized from his trips in Dean's car as an AC/DC song and his smile grew wide as Dean began to swing his hips in rhythm to the beat. Dean was coming alive on stage, his nerves slipping away as he got more and more into the music. His voice hit each note in a raspy tenor that had Castiel almost giggling with delight.

Watching him up there, Cas could let go of what was going to happen in less than a month. He could just watch Dean perform and bring light his ever expanding darkness.

The band played a full set before Dean spoke to the crowd again. "Alright we've got one more for you before White Ford Bronco comes out and gives you guys a real show." He smiled and the crowd laughed.

"So this one is- uh- a little slower. Hope y'all don't mind." Dean smiled shyly and cleared his throat, and Cas felt himself settle into the moment as he watched Dean prepare.

He pulled an acoustic guitar from the side of the stage into his lap and he sat up on a stool in front of the microphone. There was a nervous look in his eye that made Castiel want to rub his back and run his hand through his hair.

As Dean began to strum against the strings of the guitar, his eyes moved over the crowd a few times before finding their place in Cas', and began to sing.

 _Isn't it strange the way things can change  
Life that you lead turned on its head  
Suddenly someone means more than you felt for  
House and its yard turns into home  
Sorry but I meant to say many things along the way  
This one's for you_

Dean lifted his eyes from Cas for a few moments as he looked down to the strings of his guitar and watched his own fingers move across them. When he brought his mouth back to the microphone, his eyes were closed tight and Castiel felt his heart beating harder at the sight.

 _Have I told you I ache_  
 _Have I told you I ache_  
 _Have I told you I ache, for you_

 _Have I told you I ache_  
 _Have I told you I ache_  
 _Have I told you I ache, for you_

The words hit him like a freight train and Dean looked straight through the crowd to Cas with the last line of the chorus. The slight smile that hinted at Castiel's lips had transformed into a gaping mouth and pained expression. He could feel his lips trembling but tried his best to keep his composure.

 _The time that it took  
Writing words for my book  
Seems to have broken off  
The gate that I shut  
Last time I got hurt  
Seems to have opened itself _

_Oh the world is spinnin' now  
It's tryna catch me up  
Tell me to appreciate, here and now  
I'm sorry but I meant to say  
Many things along the way  
This ones for you_

As Dean moved into the chorus again Castiel felt like his legs were about to give out. Dean wasn't being shy about the fact that he was staring straight at Castiel during the song. He would let his eyes wander to the strings of his guitar occasionally, and sometimes made eye contact with random people in the crowd, but he let himself find a home in Cas.

Castiel didn't care how it looked, he didn't know if Sam had caught on to the fact that his big brother was pretty openly serenading his boyfriend, but right now, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except for Dean and the way his mouth formed the most heartbreaking words Cas had ever heard. He wanted to run to him, hold him and tell him he felt the same way. He wanted to tell him they should just leave it all behind and run away together.

Because what was the point in feeling like this? Why did they have to torture themselves?

 _Have I told you I ache  
Have I told you I ache  
Have I told you I ache, for you _

_Have I told you I ache  
Have I told you I ache  
Have I told you I ache, for you_

There was visible pain in his voice, and despite the darkness of the bar Castiel could see the shimmer of a tear falling down Dean's face.

"Wow." Sam's voice cut through the roaring applause but Castiel couldn't focus on anything but the way Dean was looking down at his guitar, his own tears falling silently down his cheeks.

"Yeah." Cas heard Charlie say, her voice unsteady. "That was- um, really something."

He could see out of the corner of his eye that Charlie was staring at him but Cas couldn't take his eyes away from Dean. He had finally lifted his gaze back up to the crowd and plastered his fake smile on his face as he stood and appreciated his applause. He waved a few times then leaned into the microphone. "Thank you. Really- thanks guys. We're outta here now but you'll be in good hands with White Ford Bronco's in just a few minutes."

Dean bowed and waved a few more times before disappearing with the rest of the band behind the black curtain they had emerged from.

Cas felt like he hadn't taken in a real breath since Dean had begun to sing the ballad and he suddenly felt his chest rising and falling quickly to catch up. He felt a hand on his arm and knew from its weight that it belonged to Charlie. It reminded him to hold himself together and he plastered on his own fake smile and turned to face her.

"Drinks?" Charlie asked with a knowing expression. Cas nodded comically but Sam shook his head.

"No, i've got to get back home, exam tomorrow. I'm going to go find Dean and then head out." He leaned down to place a kiss on Castiel's lips and Cas found himself cringing unconsciously. "See you later?"

"Yes." Cas said as smoothly as he could. "Goodnight Sam."

"Night!" He said casually over his shoulder as he moved through the crowd towards the back of the bar.

Charlie pulled Cas' arm towards the bar and ordered them a few shots. "So...that happened."

"Yes." He murmured, wanting nothing more than all the alcohol his body could stand.

"Are you okay?" She pushed a shot in front of him.

Castiel gave her a reproachful look. "I don't think there is a word that describes how 'not okay' i am Charlie."

"Do you think it means he might stay?" Charlie slung back her shot quickly and brought a second to her lips. "Or was it just like, a painful goodbye." The second shot went down as smoothly as the first.

Cas followed suit, not answering until both of his shots were gone as well. "He isn't staying."

"How do you know?"

"Because he wouldn't have sung that song if he was. It was too emotional...the only way he...is if he could run away after."

Charlie nodded. "Sounds like our guy."

"Do you think Sam noticed?" Cas asked between sips of his beer.

"You mean that Dean was practically singing up to your window with a stereo over his head? No, i don't think so." Charlie sighed. "Which is sad and makes this whole thing that much worse."

"Yes." Cas nodded.

"So he is still planning to leave after Christmas?"

"I haven't spoken to him, but that was the plan before. He didn't want to miss the holiday party at The Bunker...he said you'd be upset."

"Understatement of the year. I'd kill him if he didn't show." Her face brightened. "We are doing a 40's theme this year, its going to be so awesome Cas."

"Why have a theme?"

"Themes make everything more fun! The Bunker has been doing a holiday party for years but when i started working there i kind of insisted on giving it some flare."

Cas smiled. "As if you had a choice."

"Exactly!" Charlie took a large gulp of her beer, her eyes widening as her head tipped back. She almost chocked as she motioned behind Castiel. "Incoming."

Castiel turned to look behind him to see Dean walking hesitantly towards them. He was torn between spinning around and running for the exit and rushing forward to pull Dean into his arms. His internal struggle left him standing frozen in place, his muscles tense and pulsing.

"Dean! That was awesome man!" Charlie reached for him and wrapped her arms around Dean shoulders.

"Oh stop." Dean rolled his eyes and pulled her beer from her hand. He finished it quickly and gave it back to her. "Thanks." He showed off his perfect shit-eating grin.

"You could have at least saved me some." Charlie turned back towards the bar and motioned to the bartender to give her two more.

Castiel stood there, finally relaxing enough to lean against the bar and stared out at the dance floor, purposely avoiding Dean's gaze. He could feel the alcohol making its way through his body and was acutely aware of how much his body was begging to be touched by Dean. He began to worry about what the shots of whiskey would do to the filter he still hadn't perfected, but wasn't given much time to think before Dean was in his space and looking at him expectantly.

"Your band played well." Cas managed to get out.

"We didn't get fruit thrown at us so, yeah, i'd say it went well." Dean smiled as Cas turned his head slightly and narrowed his eyes at the elder Winchester.

"I don't think your skills would warrant that kind of reaction Dean." Castiel said solemnly, hiding behind his beer as he sipped it some more.

"Good to know." He kept his eyes on Cas, despite the writer's mission to investigate the label of his beer.

Charlie turned around and handed Dean a beer. "For the rock star."

"I think I'll have you call me that from now on." Dean snickered and took a few healthy doses of his beer.

"Yeah, yeah." Charlie passed them each a shot and Castiel took his and gulped it down instantly. His jaw began to ache from the hard press of his teeth.

Dean gave him a worried glance before tipping his back and sucked it down more slowly. Charlie glanced between the men for a few beats before taking her shot and collecting the glances. "You know, there is this hottie over there in the corner i think i'd like to get some intel on." She turned back towards the bar and gave Castiel a wink, who gave her a pleading look of rage in return. "See you later bitches."

Castiel tried to grab for her but she slipped through the crowd of people so quickly, he ended up groping another woman's back. When she turned to scowl at him he mumbled an apology and turned around to face the bar more fully, giving Dean his back.

He could feel Dean slide up next to him, his arm brushing against Castiel's just enough to feel the heat of it. "Cas-"

"Lets not, okay?" Castiel interrupted, still staring at the wall of liquor in front of him.

"But I just wanted to-"

"No." Castiel turned his body to face Dean's. "You say you love me. You say we cant ever be together. Then you say you're leaving. Then you sing to me. You fucking sing to me. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about that? What are you trying to do here Dean?" Cas could feel his body trembling with anger and something else much more powerful that he didn't want to think about at that moment.

"Cas...you're right I'm sorry." Dean's voice was low but Castiel watched as his lips formed the words. "I shouldn't have sung that song. It- It doesn't mean i'm not leaving-"

"You think i don't know that? You think that helps? You think my mind wasn't racing about all the possible ways we could make it work while you sang to me? Do you have any idea how much i was hoping the song might mean more than just goodbye?" Cas shook his head looked away. "But i know better. I know better than to think..."

He pushed away suddenly from the bar. He couldn't stand there, couldn't be so close to Dean, knowing what he knew. Knowing how much they both wanted each other, how much they loved each other.

It was too much, it was impossible.

Cas pushed his way out the back exit of the bar, not looking back to see if Dean was following. He prayed he wasn't. He prayed that he would be able to fall into the night and let it take him home to where he knew stability was waiting for him. He could let the stars guide him back to Sam and everything would be alright. He could let go of this feeling of drowning and flying at the same time. He could let everything go and just breathe next to Sam.

But there was a hand on a shoulder as he inhaled the frozen air behind the bar. It turned him and spun him around and he was left staring into the emerald green eyes of the man he was now sure was his soulmate.

Dean's face was inches from his and Castiel was left feeling defeated. Being so close to him had always been intoxicating, but Cas had fought it with every inch of his being. But now, with their lives falling away from them and the perfect dusting of Dean's freckles right before him, Cas let the consuming power of being next to Dean take over. He felt the world slip away and the lights dim around them. It was just them, no one else in the darkened alley that was as close to the deserted island of Castiel's dreams that they were ever going to get.

He knew what he was doing. A lot of the time when his body moved around Dean, it was because it did so of its own accord, like he had no way to control it. But right now, Castiel made a decision. He wasn't going to live his entire life not knowing what it would be like to taste Dean. He wasn't going to say goodbye to this man without letting them have this moment.

Cas stepped forward to slip his hands up to cup Dean's face. He debated whether or not let his hand graze along the stubbled cheek that haunted his dreams, but decided he may not have much time before Dean came to his senses and pushed him away.

Castiel moved with purpose as he came forward quickly and pressed his lips to Dean's.


	19. Sink or Swim

Castiel could almost hear the roar of his island's waterfall as his bottom lip slipped between Dean's. The contact was instantly the most amazing thing he had ever felt. The lights that had seemed to dim earlier were now sparking and exploding around them as Dean's mouth softened and his arms slipped around Castiel's waist.

Dean had stiffened right before Cas kissed him, but as soon as he felt the warm fullness of Cas' mouth on his, his entire body melted into him. There was no resisting the gravity that pulled him closer. His hands found their way to Castiel's hips and slid around them easily, pulling Cas against him.

A sound escaped one of their mouth's as their lips parted and pushed back together again, this time with unimaginable softness for the passion that was erupting around them. It felt like the entire earth was moving and pushing and pulling and Cas felt like he might die right there in Dean's arms, in Dean's kiss.

He kept his hands on Dean's face, now letting his thumb stroke across his cheekbones and reveling in the pleasure of feeling the coarse hair beneath his fingers. He felt Dean's skin give beneath his strong grip and smoothed it down over and over, feeling like he could never get enough.

He was touching Dean, he was kissing him. And Oh God, the feeling of having this man in his arms was definitely the best and worst thing he had every felt in his entire life. He pushed thoughts of Sam aside as violently as he could and let himself soak in every detail of their kiss. He already hated himself for this, hated that he let himself do this, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't even fathom the idea of pulling away. The thought of never getting to kiss him again began to creep in and Cas pushed that aside as well. He wasn't going to let anything ruin this for him. He half expected Dean to pull away at any moment for the same reasons, so he held on for dear life, pulling Dean as close as possible.

Their mouth's moved and opened in unison, each of their tongues sliding inside the other's mouth, tasting for the first time. Cas could taste their drinks that evening but also something much more natural and earthy and so very Dean. His tongue was strong against his but they caressed against one another gently, moving so slowly and easily together that Castiel was sure this would go on record as the most perfect kiss to have ever taken place.

He could feel his heart pumping in rhythm with the pulse he felt beneath his fingers, but only vaguely. He couldn't concentrate on much more than the feeling of Dean's tongue exploring his mouth, deliberate and careful, like he was executing a plan he had thought of many times before. Cas reciprocated with his own exploration, diving in and turning his head so their mouths could fit together more perfectly.

Cas was pretty sure he was making sounds into Dean's mouth he had never made before, never even heard another person make until Dean echoed him a moment later, pulling Cas' lower lip into his mouth and sucking on it gently. He placed a soft kiss on Cas lips and then pulled back just enough so that their foreheads were resting together.

Castiel could feel Dean looking at him, but didn't want their moment to be over yet.

He pulled Dean back to him, kissing him harder this time, desperately clinging to him, begging him to never let him go. Dean responded immediately, letting their mouths open to one another again and kissing with fervor, assaulting each others mouths in a way that had their hips rolling together and Castiel pushing Dean back against the brick wall of the bar.

Castiel was sure if he opened his eyes he would be blind. It wasn't possible all of his senses could work properly if he was experiencing something as powerful as this. He was convinced that there was no way they weren't meant to be doing this for the rest of their lives. It felt too amazing, too perfect. Their bodies moved together in a way that made him feel like he was completing a puzzle, pulling the other piece of him home.

Dean's hands slipped into the back pockets of his jeans and squeezed Cas' ass, sending a jolt of fire to Cas' groin. He dropped his hands down to Dean's hips and slipped his fingers beneath the hem of his shirt, craving skin on skin contact. The moment the tips of his fingers brushed against the warm heat of Dean's stomach, he could feel the older man shudder against his mouth.

Dean let out what can only describe as a growl as he flipped them around and pushed Cas into the masonry. He slipped his thigh between Cas' legs and they both let out groans of pleasure as their erections found friction. Dean dipped his head down and began running rough kisses along Cas' jaw and up to the place where his jaw and neck met by his ear, and took a breath before placing a soft kiss in the perfectly sensitive nook. Castiel let his head drop back to the the brick wall and ran his hands down Dean's back as the bartender explored Cas' neck. He kissed down to his Adam's apple, and then Cas felt Dean's tongue flick out and lick at the hollow of his neck before moving across his collar bone and back up again.

Cas was definitely whispering Dean's name between moans as Dean continued to roll his hips into him as he devoured the writer. There was a fleeting thought of hickeys and bite marks showing up but they floated away as quickly as they came. His body was ready to collapse from the strain of their passion and Cas began thinking of ways to get the hell out of this alley before they came to their senses.

Dean kissed back up Cas' neck, bringing their lips back together in a storm of lips and teeth and tongue. They were panting into their kiss, pulling at each other relentlessly, Dean's hands fisted in Cas' shirt, Cas' fingers threading through Dean's hair.

Cas stopped trying to think, stopped trying to plan out where this was going, he just needed to feel Dean. Feel his lips against his, feel the hard lines of his body pressing against him, feel Dean's need for him.

There was a buzzing in his pocket that elicited a moan out of Dean as it vibrated against him. It took them a few moments to realize it was his phone going off and Dean pulled back abruptly, as if broken from a spell.

Cas' eyes flew open at the loss of contact and stared wide eyed at the completely wrecked man in front of him. Dean's hair was destroyed and his lips were swollen from their passion. His mouth hung open in a shocked expression and Cas knew he looked no better.

He blinked furiously as full comprehension of what had just happened fell on him and he felt his hand digging into his pocket before he had a chance to think better of it. When he pulled out his phone Sam's picture was staring up at him.

Of fucking course it was Sam. Why wouldn't it be? Why wouldn't his boyfriend call when he was dry humping his brother in a dark alley.

His finger pressed the accept button of its own accord.

"Yes?" He hadn't realized how out of breath he was until the moment the word left his lips and he heard how ragged it sounded. He looked up to Dean to find him in panic mode, his hands running through his hair, his eyes wide and bloodshot.

"Hey babe, can you pick up some aspirin on your way home? We're out and I seriously need some."

"Okay." Shit. He did not sound like someone who wasn't making out five seconds ago.

"Are you okay?" Sam's slightly irritated voice from earlier calmed slightly and Castiel could hear a hint of nerves.

"Yes." Castiel couldn't come up with anything else to say and wanted nothing more than for this conversation to be over.

"...Alright. When can i expect you?"

"I'm not sure." Castiel cursed himself for sounding so wrong but he couldn't fix it. "I have to go."

He hung up.

He fucking hung up on Sam.

Castiel nearly dropped his phone on the pavement, its presence in his hand a reminder of everything he had just done.

"That was..." Dean motioned towards his phone, his voice harsh but no more than a whisper.

"Yes." Castiel nodded. His chest was still moving quickly and he was doing his best to pull himself back together.

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither of them willing to be the first to speak but neither willing to walk away either. Dean had put a good five feet between them and Castiel slumped against the brick wall. The tightness in his pants had become much more manageable after his boyfriend's phone call and he now felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. Not that he didn't believe he deserved that title the moment his lips touched Dean's. Or possibly the moment he fell in love with him.

He has been an asshole for some time now.

Finally, as if psyching himself up to rip off a band aid, Castiel pushed himself off of the wall and took a step forward. "Dean."

Dean had his hand behind his neck and his other on his hip. He looked a strong combination of pissed off and dismal. "We just-" He cut himself off and shook his head.

"I know." Cas said softly.

"I cant believe we just-...I wasn't going to...we weren't...and then- fuck Cas!" Dean was pacing. "This wasn't supposed to happen. Not ever Cas! How could you-"

"Me?" Castiel stiffened. "So your tongue just jammed itself down my throat?"

"You kissed me first!" Dean shouted into the night and Cas was ready to either hit him or kiss him again.

"What are you twelve? I think most people say no when they don't want to be kissed Dean. You could have done a lot of things to announce your displeasure rather than fucking me with your tongue and grinding your cock against me."

Dean's head shot up and his lips pursed into a scowl. "don't fucking-" He shook his head violently. "Fine. You know what yes, i could have stopped you and I didn't." He threw his hands up. "How the hell was i supposed to stop that? I am not that strong Cas, I am not that good a man." His voice softened considerably with his last words.

Castiel felt his anger slip away and he let out a sigh as he took another step forward. "No. You were right. I started it. I should have known better...i should have known what would happen."

Dean held his gaze for a long moment before both of their bodies began to sway towards one another and they snapped out of it. Cas pulled his eyes to the pavement. "I'm sorry."

"don't be sorry Cas." Dean whispered, his words almost drowned out by a distant siren. "That was...incredible...and i think that's an understatement." He huffed out a slight chuckle before sobering. "I never imagined..." His hands were on his hips again and his eyes were pointed up towards the stars.

"Yes. I don't think there is a word good enough to describe what...that was." Cas said quietly.

"No. I don't think there is." Dean sighed and took a hesitant step forward. "It cant happen again Cas."

"I know."

"That...what just happened, That's exactly why I'm leaving. I mean, we should have known it was going to happen but i just never expected it to be so...consuming." Dean was staring at him again and Cas brought his eyes up to meet him.

"Neither did I." He swallowed back the lump that had formed the moment their lips parted. "Dean- I...I'm not sorry it happened."

"Cas-"

"I don't think i could have ever known true happiness unless i had experienced that moment with you." Castiel ducked his head, slightly embarrassed at his vulnerability and afraid of how Dean would respond.

"Cas...I..." Dean looked conflicted, his breathing began to pick up in a way that made Castiel's blood begin to pulse. He watched as Dean closed his eyes tight and fought against himself for a quiet moment before finally looking back up to find Cas' eyes. He began to walk towards him slowly, and Castiel's eyes widened. His heart was hammering in his chest and he knew if Dean kissed him again it would be the end of him.

He stopped though, just a few inches away and brought his hand up to Castiel's cheek. Dean leaned his head down so that his forehead was resting against Cas' and inhaled slowly. Castiel could see that Dean had closed his eyes as he savored their closeness, but Cas couldn't bring himself to look away from the man who had pulled him back into a hurricane of emotions.

"Dean." Castiel whispered, angling his face so that his nose was brushing against the elder Winchester's.

"I'm so sorry Cas." Dean's voice was trembling. "I'm sorry we can't have this."

"I know." Castiel felt tears forming behind his eyes. "It isn't fair."

They stayed like that for a very long time.

Their foreheads pressed together and their cheeks wet with tears.

When Dean finally leaned in to brush his lips against Cas', it wasn't like their first kiss.

It was just as soft and gentle, only this time it wasn't opening up a new world to them, but closing it off forever.

 _December 20th 2010_

 _If i died tomorrow, i would be okay with that._

 _I told him i didn't regret it._

 _But i do._

 _I regret every moment of that kiss, of that time i spent with Dean in the alley behind the bar. If I could erase the knowledge of what it felt like to have him in my arms, to have his tongue inside my mouth, his hands gripping me and pulling me to him like he couldn't ever have me close enough...i would erase it all._

 _I cant live like this. I cant._

 _Anna says that with time i will forget and move on. She told me Dean and I could never be together, and i told her to fuck off because i knew that or i wouldn't be in the worst kind of hell in existence. I know she is right, but it doesn't change the fact that i hate it. I hate this and i hate myself for letting it happen._

 _She says that once Dean is gone i will be happy again. I wont feel this way forever._

 _I cant imagine how that could be possible, how i could live my life knowing what we could have had together._

 _When Sam kisses me I feel like i'm betraying Dean. I don't belong to Sam anymore, I belong to Dean. I exist for Dean. How will i even look at Sam after Dean is gone? Will everything fall back into place or will i be unable to look at him without seeing Dean?_

 _I feel like i cant breathe. Like everything is happening around me and i'm just drowning in a puddle of bullshit._

 _It doesn't matter though. He leaves in two days. He leaves and then its over. Everything is over and i'm left feeling like i've been ripped open and my heart has been pulled from my chest._

Castiel took a swig of the bottle of whiskey he was drinking while he wrote in his journal. He sometimes liked to reread its contents, as if he were someone else viewing it for the first time and try to see what his life would look like to an outsider. Times like these however, when he was already half- drunk and too depressed to do much else, he threw his pen down abruptly as he finished writing. He pushed the journal off the desk and left it sprawled across the floor of their second bedroom.

He knew the right thing to do would be to break up with Sam. Because no matter what happened between Dean and him, it was obvious Castiel no longer deserved a man like Sam and couldn't keep holding him back from the life he deserved.

He had cheated on him. He had been cheating on him since the moment he met Dean. He never really understood what people meant when they talked about emotional cheating, but now he did, and he knew he was extremely guilty of it. And now he had physically been unfaithful. He had kissed Dean like he was dying and Dean's lips were the only cure. He had pressed his body against his in a way that if left alone would have probably led to them coming in their pants.

Castiel's body shivered as he remembered the night before. He traced his bottom lip with the tip of his finger and remembered what it felt like to have Dean sucking on it. The whiskey was helping to dull the taste of him, but his memories wouldn't die.

After their soft kiss goodbye, Cas had turned and walked away, completely broken in every way possible. He remembered to get Sam aspirin, but went straight to bed as soon as he gave his boyfriend the bottle. He complained of a headache and hid himself under the covers of their bed, hoping his pillow would muffle the sound of his sobs.

Sam was at the library tonight, unable to focus with Cas blaring Muse and yelling obscenities at his computer. He wondered if Sam would ask him about his behavior, but realized it probably wasn't that different from his usual writing habits. He had eventually made his way to his journal, hoping to release the pent up emotions and come out on the other side feeling better.

He was wrong.

He got up from his desk and drank another long gulp of whiskey, sloshing the bottle around as he stumbled into the living room.

What was Dean doing right now?

It was Charlie's night at the bar, so he was probably at home. Cas checked the clock and found it was only nine o'clock, so it was doubtful that he would be asleep already. He found himself suddenly desperate to hear from him, to connect with him in any way he could and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 **Cas:** The whiskey isn't helping much

He threw his phone onto the couch after pressing send and walked over to the kitchen to grab the sandwich Sam had made him and left in the fridge. Cas rolled his eyes as he bit into it, because of course Sam made him a fucking sandwich. Why wouldn't he do something so thoughtful? Why wouldn't he realize that he was making a sandwich for someone who was in love with his brother?

He took the sandwich with him as he flopped on to the couch and picked up his phone.

No reply.

Great.

Castiel took another bite of his sandwich and chased it down with a large gulp of Jack Daniels. He felt his phone buzz next to him and almost spilled the liquor all over the couch in an attempt to grab it.

 **Dean** : I know the feeling

 **Cas** : Maybe we should switch to tequila

He smiled at himself, a certain kind of relief flowing through him knowing that Dean was just as wrecked as he was.

 **Dean:** But then one of us will end up riding a train to denver and wake up pregnant.

 **Dean:** Trust me.

Castiel laughed out loud at that and took a sip from the bottle before replying.

 **Cas** : Sounds like a good story.

 **Dean** : It was. Although Pam (the chick it happened to) may disagree

 **Cas** : I don't think you've told me about her

 **Dean:** She's an old friend. A lot of good stories to tell.

He let out a sigh.

 **Cas:** It's a shame i wont get a chance to hear them

 **Dean:** Yeah

Castiel could feel the weight on his chest return, and he threw his head back against the couch aggressively a few times before groaning and chugging a few gulps of whiskey.

 **Dean** : I really am sorry about the other night

 **Cas:** Do you wish it had never happened?

 **Dean:** Yes.

 **Dean:** And no.

 **Cas** : I understand

 **Cas:** I'm glad i got to have it...but it only makes me feel worse now

 **Dean:** Yeah

Castiel's mind was fogging from the alcohol and it was becoming less clear on all the reasons they couldn't be together.

Why couldn't they just run away together? Somewhere far away and start a life together? His family wouldn't even have to know about them. They could separate on holidays to visit their families and no one would have a clue they were together.

The idea seemed brilliant to Cas but he was sure there was a reason he hadn't brought it up before. The whiskey was playing tricks on him and he knew it, but at the same time he wanted to know what Dean would say.

 **Cas:** Take me with you.

As soon as he pressed send Castiel knew he had made a mistake. He knew he shouldn't have said that to his boyfriend brother, he knew it was every kind of fucked up, but he didn't care. He leaned back into couch and closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable fall out.

His phone began to buzz in his hand a moment later and Cas looked down to see the picture he had taken of Dean behind the bar when the older man hadn't realized it. He was talking with one of the regulars and smiling from ear to ear, relaxed and carefree, and so beautiful it made Castiel's chest ache.

It took him a moment to realize that the picture had shown up because Dean was actually calling him. He felt his stomach flip in his abdomen and his palms begin to sweat. He pressed accept and brought the phone to his ear slowly.

"I know i shouldn't have said that." He said quietly.

"No. You shouldn't have." Castiel heard Dean sigh and he imagined he was sitting in a very similar position. "Could you really do that? Could you do that to Sam?"

Castiel knew the answer, but waited a moment before speaking. His filter was intact enough to know that what he was about to say was selfish and didn't want Dean to think less of him, but at the same time, he wanted Dean to know the truth.

"Would you hate me if i said yes?"

Castiel could hear the distant murmur of voices on the other end and figured Dean was watching television. He could make out what sounded like gun shots and horses galloping and assumed it was one of the westerns Dean liked.

"No." Dean finally said, his voice defeated. "I know i should, my brother deserves better than that...but i understand."

"Does that mean you'd do it? Take me with you?" Cas could hear the hope in his own voice and was fully aware of the way his muscles tensed with anticipation.

"No Cas." Dean whispered. "You know we cant. You know...we could never be that."

Castiel's lips were trembling. Deep down he knew what Dean was going to say, but hearing the words were still gut-wrenching.

"Why not Dean?" He was pleading, and he couldn't stop himself. "Why couldn't we just run away and never look back? No one would have to know...no one would ever know."

"We would Cas. We would know and we would feel like shit." Castiel could hear Dean shifting and knew that he was probably pacing around his living room now. "I know you'd like to think you could do it, and maybe we could for awhile, but i think we both know how much it would tear us up to constantly lie to the people we love."

Castiel stayed silent, his jaw closed tight and aching.

"You do love Sam? don't you?" Dean's voice told Castiel that he knew the answer, but needed to hear it anyway.

"Yes." He answered quietly. "But its not the same anymore. I'll always love Sam. For reasons i don't even know if i'll ever be able to explain. But its not the same Dean. Its...not enough. Not anymore, not after knowing what it could really be."

"You cant string him a long Cas. If after I'm gone...you cant move on...then you need to let him go." Dean said carefully.

"I know." Cas was crying now but trying desperately not to let Dean hear him. "I don't think I need to wait. He deserves better than this...I'm going to leave him."

"No Cas. Just wait. Please." Dean's voice was shaking and Cas wondered if there were tears running down his face as well. "Wait until after I'm gone. Give yourself some time to reconnect with him, maybe go away or some shit. Just give it a chance when i'm not there fucking everything up."

"Dean-"

"No, promise me Cas." Dean kept his voice even this time.

Castiel sucked in a trembling breath. "Fine. But i can tell you now that it wont matter. I know now what love can be...how i'm supposed to feel...I cant just forget that."

"Please just try." Dean whispered.

"Okay."

Neither of them spoke for the next few minutes, but Castiel could hear Dean settle back down into his couch and the sound of the western he was watching disappear. He could hear him breathing into the phone, a soft shaky breath escaping every so often that let him know that Dean was falling apart just like he was.

Castiel laid himself down on the couch with the phone resting on his ear, his hand lightly gripping the bottle that sat below his head on the floor. He could feel himself falling further and further into the blanketed darkness of unconsciousness and was desperate for it. He didn't want to feel anymore, didn't want to have to hear Dean cry, but not able to hang up either.

He drifted off to sleep. The sound of Dean's breath coaxing him into letting go, the alcohol in his veins making it impossible to resist.

The last thing Cas' brain registers is the whisper of Dean's voice, telling Cas he loved him.


	20. I'll Be Seeing You

_December 21st 2010_

 _The holiday party is at the bunker tonight and then Dean leaves._

 _Tonight is the last time i will see him for god knows how long._

 _To say that the evening will be difficult would be like saying I love Dean._

 _The words are true but they'll never be enough to fully describe the severity of their accuracy._

Castiel and Sam walked into the The Bunker with a crowd of people. Their bodies were shuffled inside and Cas was grateful for the push, he wasn't sure he would be able to cross that threshold on his own. He made a promise to himself that he wasn't going to let his downward spiral make an appearance tonight, that he would hold it together so that he could spend this last night with Dean without having some sort of breakdown.

The bar was decorated with a mixture of holiday and USO decor and Castiel recognized the voice crooning through the speakers as one Bing Crosby. They spotted Charlie mixing drinks behind the bar and Castiel smiled instantly at the top reverse roll hairstyle and the buttoned up dress she was sporting. He made his way over to her and held his hands out to let her appreciate the outfit she had picked out for him. It was a dark blue pinstripe suit, complete with a satin pocket square, and a black fedora.

"Oh my!" Charlie fanned herself. "You look positively ravishing!" She peeked her head around Castiel to look at Sam who was dressed similarly but with a lighter colored suit and his hair slicked back. "Both of you!"

"Thank you dear, you look lovely as well." Cas said with a smile as he took her extended hand and kissed it for show.

"Where's Dean?" Sam called over the bar. Castiel felt his skin heat at the name and did his best to steady his reaction.

"Oh um, he is over by the dance floor, fixing a speaker or something." She said innocently enough that Castiel was sure Sam missed the uncomfortableness in her tone. "He'll be back in a minute."

"I cant stay long. Last exam before the break tomorrow and I've still got a case to write up." Sam said with a sigh.

Castiel avoided his boyfriend's gaze, hoping the glee at his boyfriends early departure wasn't written all over his face.

"Such a hard worker!" Charlie smiled and handed them two beers. "You'll be the best lawyer DC has ever seen." She gave him a wink then turned to take an order from another group of people.

"Do you want to dance?" Sam asked casually as he sipped his beer. A fast jazz song was playing and Castiel imagined himself making a complete idiot of himself on the dance floor.

"Not drunk enough for that." He answered simply.

Sam laughed and placed his hand on his shoulder. "No matter how drunk you get, you're never going to be any good babe."

"True." Cas smirked and put his hand on the small of Sam's back. He rubbed it a few times, a gesture as simple as breathing, but as soon as he saw Dean making his way towards them his hand instantly dropped to his side.

He knew his mouth was open and he was pretty openly gawking at the gorgeous man approaching them, but he didn't care. Dean was wearing an Airforce uniform from WWII that fit him perfectly, showcasing his broad chest and defined biceps. His lips transformed into a smirk as he appreciated Castiel's reaction before transforming into his own wide eyed stare. He looked Cas up and down quite a few times before making his way to stand in front of his brother and the man he would be leaving in the morning.

"Happy Bunker Christmas guys!" He said cheerily, his wide fake smile straining his cheeks.

"The place looks awesome Dean, you guys really go all out." Sam said as he extended his hand for Dean to shake.

"Yeah, well it never was like this until Charlie came. She worked some serious magic to make this place even remotely presentable."

"Its wonderful, really." Cas said with a genuine grin he hoped would coax Dean into returning.

Dean's lips fell into the easy smile that now hurt to look at, and Cas had to look away.

"You -uh- you guys need drinks?" Dean said awkwardly

Sam held up his nearly full beer. "I think we're good man."

Castiel nodded and sipped his. "Yes, Charlie just gave us these."

"Alright, well- uh- I'm going to go...um...see if she needs some help." Dean was pushing through them before Castiel could respond and was quickly assaulted by the subtle scent of Dean's aftershave.

It brought back the feeling of having his face rubbing against his own, his mouth pressing against his, his tongue caressing-

"You alright?" Sam asked, nudging Cas with his elbow.

"What?" Castiel snapped out of his fantasy, adjusting the inseam of his pants as it became tighter. "Yes, I'm fine." He blinked a few times before forcing a smile on his face.

"Are you sure?" Sam leaned in closer. "You've been acting a little strange lately."

"Stranger than usual?" Castiel tried to joke.

Sam smiled and leaned down to kiss his cheek. "Yes, actually. Anything we should talk about?"

Castiel licked his suddenly dry lips and pushed down the rising bile that threatened to make its exit. "Perhaps. But not right now, let just enjoy the holidays. Alright?" He looked up at him with the most convincing smile he could muster.

"Should i be worried?" Sam's smile faltered.

Castiel reached up and placed his lips on Sam's, comforting him as best he could. "No. Now lets go make fun of the hipsters making fun of the drunk girls."

That made Sam laugh and Castiel relaxed against him.

They spent most of the night by the dance floor, talking with some of Sam's law school friends and a few regulars at the bar. Charlie would come join them from time to time, but Dean stayed behind the bar. Castiel would usually offer to grab the next round of drinks for everyone as often as he could, and take the opportunity to be with Dean. They would stare and let their hands linger together as Dean passed him drinks across the bar. Castiel knew he should be more careful, but the closer Dean came to leaving, the more reckless he felt. He wondered if maybe he would be able to kiss Dean again that night, knowing Sam would be going home early again.

He had just ordered a round of shots after a longer than usual eye fuck with Dean when Charlie came up behind him.

"You know he still hasn't told Sam he is leaving in the morning?"

"Yes. I know." Cas nodded but didn't take his eyes off of the man pouring out his shots.

"Do you know what his plan is?"

"He said Bobby got him a job at a shop his friend is starting up near Charlotte."

"Yeah, That's what he told me too." Charlie shook her head. "We cant let him do this Cas."

"Dean is a grown man Charlie, he will do as he pleases."

"He is doing this because of you. Because of what he feels for you." Charlie put her hand on Castiel's arm. "You could stop him."

"I've tried." He finally pulled his gaze from Dean and met Charlie's eyes.

"Really? Like really tried?"

"Trust me Charlie, no stone was left unturned."

"Wait- does that mean..." She raised her brows suggestively.

"I don't know the extent of your insinuation, but we did kiss."

Charlie shoved him roughly. "What! And you didn't tell me!" Her face was bright.

"Its not exactly something to celebrate Charlie. I cheated on Sam...with Sam's brother."

"Right." Charlie's shoulders slumped. "That's not so good."

"Yeah."

Dean brought the shots in front of Cas and gave them both a wide smile. "You want one too Charlie?"

"I included her." Cas replied and Dean smirked and pushed two in front of them and picked up one for himself.

"Alright. Last night on earth ladies and gents." Dean pressed his lips together firmly before smiling bitterly.

"Not funny Dean." Charlie chastised. "You know this may be the last time the three of us are together for god knows how long?" She shook her head. "If you two could have just figured your shit out this wouldn't be happening."

"Thank you for your support Charlie." Dean said sarcastically, raising his shot and motioning for them to do the same.

Castiel complied and Charlie reluctantly did the same. They downed their shots quickly and Dean poured another shot into Charlie and Cas' glasses. He pushed the rest of the shots in front of him. "You need help getting these to the others?" Dean's eyes pierced through Castiel and he was unable to answer.

"I'll help him." Charlie answered after a much longer pause than necessary. "Come on silent Bob."

Castiel nodded and pulled the shots into his hands. He threw a glance at Dean as he turned to head back towards Sam. The elder Winchester was watching him leave, a sad smile on his lips.

Another hour passes and Castiel has caught himself checking the time every few minutes, hoping Sam would realize how late it was getting and announce his departure. Eventually he resorted to reminding him of the work he had to do and Sam let out a loud sigh and rolled his eyes.

"aren't you usually the one complaining about how i'm always working too hard?" He had a smile on his lips and his arms were snaking around Castiel's waist.

"Yes, true." Castiel nodded and returned the smile. "I just don't want to be blamed when you end up selling perfume at a department store after you flunk out."

"What if i want to sell perfume?" Sam countered, his eyebrows raised.

"Well then, you shall be the best perfume salesman the world has ever seen." Castiel teased. The alcohol had him feeling flirtatious and he found himself remembering how good it felt to be loved by Sam.

Sam laughed and pulled him into a kiss and Castiel didn't resist. He let his boyfriend kiss him, knowing how happy it made him. There was a cough next to them and Sam pulled away to find Charlie shifting uncomfortably. Castiel followed her gaze to Dean who was standing next to her.

He looked like he had been punched in the face and Castiel slipped out of Sam's arms quickly.

"Oh come on, its not like we were screwing on the dance floor." Sam rolled his eyes. "Get over yourself Dean."

Castiel looked down to the floor, knowing his face was red hot with shame. He knew he shouldn't feel guilty for kissing Sam and he knew Dean had no right to feel hurt by it, but he also knew neither of those things mattered.

Dean said nothing and just handed Charlie a couple beers and turned back towards the bar. Castiel watched him, trying his best to comfort him with his thoughts.

"Ugh, I guess you're right babe." Castiel turned to see that Sam was looking at his watch. "I should head out." He leaned down to kiss him again and this time Castiel stayed stiff. "You'll be alright?"

"What?" Castiel's immediate reaction was that Sam was asking him if he would be alright after what had just happened with Dean, but then realized that was definitely not what he was asking. "Oh, yes. Charlie and Dean will keep me company. They will probably need help cleaning up too."

"You're a saint." Sam smiled and pulled him into a hug. "I love you."

Castiel wrapped his arms around Sam's waist and let himself be hugged. "I love you too." He responded automatically, like there was nothing else he could have said in that moment.

Sam squeezed him tightly before releasing him and leaving him next to the dance floor. He turned back before disappearing in the crowd, his face brightening into a smile and his hand waving casually. Castiel thought he would remember that moment for the rest of his life, Sam's effortless love.

He sighed and waved back, following the younger Winchester's form as he exited the bar.

Castiel wandered back to the bar, feeling like he was a dog coming home with its tail between its legs. He found an empty stool and sat down, laying his hands on the counter and picking at the label on his beet bottle.

"Sam leave?" Dean's voice was hesitant, with a twinge of something Castiel recognized as repressed anger.

Castiel nodded. "He is going to be very angry if you leave without saying goodbye Dean."

"Yeah, I know." Dean leaned against the bar. "I'llstop by in the morning I guess."

"So i'll be seeing you again then." Castiel tried to play his comment off as light hearted but knew he wasn't successful.

"I guess so." Dean looked down at his hands outstretched on the bar. "You staying much longer?"

"Are you kicking me out?" Castiel's eyebrows raised.

"No! I was just wondering...nothing." Dean shook his head and turned away, taking an order from a man who walked up to the other end of the bar.

Castiel watched him as he poured the man a beer from the tap, his uniform pants hugging the curves of his ass in ways that made Castiel actually groan. He regretted not getting his hands on that last night.

When Dean turned around he caught Castiel's gaze and his lips twitched. 'Stop objectifying me." He said with a smirk and sauntered back over to stand in front of Cas.

"My apologies." Castiel snickered and finished his beer in a long sip. "You would have done well for yourself back then though. The uniform...it suits you."

"You're not doing so bad yourself Cas." Dean said shyly, he was leaning on his arms and looking up at Cas through his eyelashes. Castiel didn't know it was possible to look adorable and sexy as hell at the same time.

"Thank you Dean."

Dean looked back down at the bar, suddenly entrapped with the lines in the wood and the shapes they made. He seemed to be debating something with in himself for a moment before looking over to the dance floor. Castiel followed his gaze to find people swaying back and forth to an old song Castiel recognized only because he heard it at his grandparents wedding vow renewal when he was nine.

Dean looked like he was about to say something, but thought better of it and stood up straight. He motioned to someone behind Castiel and he didn't have to turn around to know it was Charlie. She came around the bar and gave Castiel a wink before taking an order at the other end of the bar. Dean began untying the apron he was wearing around his waist and then hung it up on the wall.

Castiel watched him walk around to the other side of the bar as his heart began hammering impossibly hard against his chest. Cas kept his eyes on the bartender as he approached him, stopping when he was right next to him, his chest brushing against Castiel's upper arm.

He expected him to sit down, but when he didn't Cas turned around in his bar stool to face him more fully. The stool was high enough so their eyes were at equal height, and Castiel found himself getting lost in the hopeful green staring back at him. Dean reached across and gently pulled the fedora off of Castiel's head and placed it behind him on the bar. Castiel shivered as Dean's hand ran through his hair once, taming it slightly.

His pulse began to race as Dean outstretched his other hand to him, an invitation to take it. Castiel's jaw almost dropped at what he knew Dean intended to do, but did his best to keep his composure. He slipped his hand inside of Dean's and let the warmth of it calm all of his nerves.

In that moment, the instant they made contact, Castiel didn't care who was watching them. He needed this. He needed Dean's arms around him, no matter the consequences.

Dean led them out to the dance floor where the music changed into a melody Castiel recognized instantly.

He smiled as Dean pulled him close and whispered in his ear. "Your favorite."

Castiel could only manage to nod as Dean's breath tickled his ear and his clean shaven cheek brushed against his own five o'clock shadow. Dean's hand settled on the small of his back, and Castiel wrapped his arm around Dean's shoulder, their hands clasped together against their chests. They began to sway as Billie Holiday crooned out the first notes of her goodbye song.

 _I'll be seeing you_  
 _In all the old familiar places_  
 _That this heart of mine embraces_  
 _All day and through_

 _In that small cafe_  
 _The park across the way_  
 _The children's carousel_  
 _The chestnut trees, the wishing well_

Castiel breathed deeply into the crook of Dean's neck. There was so much they would never get to do. So much they never got to feel. He was grateful for this though. This dance, this moment where everything slipped away and all he could feel was Dean's cheek against his, his thumb rubbing circles into the small of his back, his heart beating in rhythm with his own.

 _I'll be seeing you_  
 _In every lovely summer's day_  
 _In everything that's light and gay_  
 _I'll always think of you that way_

 _I'll find you in the morning sun_  
 _And when the night is new_  
 _I'll be looking at the moon_  
 _But I'll be seeing you_

He could feel Dean's shoulder's shake softly as he let out his own long exhale against his skin. Cas moved his hand up to Dean's neck and let his fingers swim circles into his hair. He was soothing him, letting him know he was alright, that the decision Dean made was for the best. Castiel was telling him how much he loved him, how much he would miss him, how much he would miss everything that made him Dean Winchester.

The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. The way his eyes shone bright when they looked at him. How big his heart was, and how incredible his mind worked- even if he didn't know it.

Every laugh, every tear, every angry word, all of it. Castiel loved every piece of him and wanted nothing more than to tell him so as they danced.

He kept his lips closed though, letting his hands and body do what his mouth could not. He pulled himself back so he could look into Dean's eyes, and his heart plummeted as he saw water blurring the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen. He took his hand from his neck and brushed his thumb under his eye, catching a tear as it dropped. He continued to stroke Dean's cheek, looking deeply into his eyes as they swayed to the music. Castiel pulled himself closer, bringing his cheek back to rest on Dean's, his lips at his ear and whispering how much he loved him.

Dean squeezed him tighter agaisnt him, settling his chin into Cas' shoulder, and clinging to him desperately. They were barely moving anymore, their bodies locked together in a heartbreaking embrace.

They had said everything they could, and now could only hold on to each other, until it was time to let go.

 _I'll be seeing you_  
 _In every lovely summer's day_  
 _In everything that's light and gay_  
 _I'll always think of you that way_

 _I'll find you in the morning sun_  
 _And when the night is new_  
 _I'll be looking at the moon_  
 _But I'll be seeing you_

As Dean and Cas danced, Sam was looking out the window of his taxi, straining his neck to look at the clouds that began to roll in. His fingers were grazing against a velvet box he had been keeping close by for the last two weeks, just in case the perfect moment presented itself. He thought about the life he was going to share with Castiel, and smiled to himself.

A summer wedding, outside near a lake somewhere.

His brother would make him go to some stupid strip club the night before, and he would complain to Ellen about not being able to share a bed with Cas the night before they said I do.

They would sneak a kiss or two in the morning before they put on their suits, the glow of their smiles overshadowing the sun's rays.

He imagined them walking down the aisle together, hand in hand, and seeing his family have tears in their eyes as they recited their vows.

They would kiss and begin the rest of their lives together, hand in hand.

He saw two dogs and two children running around the back yard of their suburban home.

He saw Cas writing into the night and teaching their son the lyrics to his favorite muse songs.

He saw them growing old, their skin wrinkled as they walked their daughter down the aisle.

He saw a life together, a life full of love and promise.

Sam was lost in thought, his eyes closed and his smile lazy as the taxi drifted into oncoming traffic.

His body was thrown forward so quickly as the taxi collided with another car, he didn't even have time to be afraid.

Sam gasped painfully as he landed on the pavement; his vision black, his brain shutting down.

Castiel let out a wistful sigh against Dean's lips, as Sam sucked in a ragged breath and grew still.


	21. Dust in the Wind

Dean's world was spinning as he rushed through the double doors of the hospital. He could hear Cas yelling at the nurses who tried to stop them, but couldn't make out the words. They made it to the nurses station and he was shouting his brother's name.

"Sir, please calm down." A woman with dark skin and bright pink scrubs was telling him in a voice he knew should sound soothing but only made him want to scream at her until she shut up and told him where his brother was. "Are you family?"

"Yes." He sputtered. "I'm his brother." He didn't recognize the sound of his own voice.

"Okay, hold on while i look up his status." She turned and went on her computer and Dean could feel Cas' hand on his shoulder but shook it off, he didn't want to be touched he just wanted to see his brother. "Sam Winchester is in surgery." She said finally after a few clicks on her mouse. "You can wait in the lobby on the surgical floor. That's on the seventh floor."

"Do you know how he is? Is he going to be okay?" Dean was speaking so fast he wasn't sure all the words were making it out of his mouth.

"I don't have that information for you sir. You're going to have to wait until the doctor comes out to update you. I'm sorry." She sounded sincere but Dean could tell it was a line she had delivered countless times before.

He was ready to move, to run towards the nearest stairway but his feet were planted.

His brother could die.

His brother could die, and Dean was kissing Cas when he got the call.

"Dean." Cas' voice was next to him, shaking and full of as just as much fear as he suspected his own voice sounded. "Dean, lets go!" Cas was pulling on his arm and Dean was following him.

They ran up the seven flights of stairs, both of them needing the physical exertion to make it feel like they were actually doing something. When they made it to the waiting room, they found it nearly desolate. There was a woman in the corner, her coat over her shoulders as she slept uncomfortably in the waiting room chair.

"I-I have to call Bobby and Ellen. And Charlie. And-"

"Let me do it." Castiel had his phone out and began leading Dean to a set of chairs facing the double doors that led to the surgery center.

Dean nodded absently before shaking his head. "No- I mean...you call Charlie, I'll call Bobby and Ellen."

"Okay." Castiel nodded and stepped away from him with his phone to his hear.

Dean dug his phone out of his pocket, the object seeming so unfamiliar in his hands, unsure if he was even using it correctly. He swallowed hard as he focused and brought up Bobby's number. He swallowed hard and sniffed loudly as he brought the phone to his ear.

He knew they would be sleeping and if he heard the phone Bobby would answer it with an irritated but fearful growl.

"What?" Bobby's tone was as he expected and Dean sighed, the familiar sound grounding him into the severity of the moment.

"Bobby." Dean managed to get out before stifling a sob.

"Dean?" His tone was anxious now. "What happened boy? Are you okay? What is it?"

"Its Sam." Dean could hear Castiel explaining to Charlie just a few feet away and his trembling voice brought him that much closer to his own fall. "He- He's been in an accident."

"An accident? Oh..god...where?" Bobby was yelling at him now. "Is he? Dean-"

"Virginia hospital center. Seventh floor- surgical." Dean pushed out.

"He's in surgery? Do you know-"

"No we don't know anything." Dean held his chest, keeping himself together.

"We're coming." Bobby huffed out. Dean could hear him getting out of bed.

"Okay." Dean hung up. It would take them over an hour to get there, hopefully they would have news by then.

Dean turned around to find Cas slumped in a chair with his head in his hands. He sat next to him, leaning his head back to rest on the wall and closing his eyes.

They sat in silence for half an hour, neither of them willing to speak to the other.

When the double doors opened and a woman wearing a scrub cap light blue scrubs, Dean and Cas stood up instantly. Their hearts dropped though when the doctor turned to the other person waiting and sat next to her. They sat back down, with loud sighs and caught each other's gaze for an instant before breaking away quickly.

Dean watched as the woman across the room began to cry and plead with the doctor, holding onto her arms and sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor did her best to soothe the woman, pulling her into a hug and rubbing her hand down the woman's back.

That could be him. The next person out of those doors will be coming to tell him if his brother is dead or alive.

He shook his head and looked away from the devastating scene, realizing he was intruding on what was probably the worst moment in that woman's life.

"We have to think positively." Cas said through his hands. "There has been research that showed positive thinking had a beneficial affect on medical treatments. That's why people think praying works."

Dean looked at him through the corner of his eyes but didn't say anything. He crossed his arms over his chest and brought his eyes to the floor.

They waited.

They waited and Dean fumed.

He was furious.

With himself, with Castiel, with the stupid taxi driver who let this happen.

He was kissing his brother's boyfriend while Sam fought for his life.

He was fucking repulsive, there wasn't a word terrible enough to describe him.

Or Cas.

Cas let this happen just as much as he did. Cas was right there with him, betraying Sam and letting him fall head over heels in love with him.

And now Sam could be dead.

Sam could be dead and Dean didn't even want to think what that would mean. He was disgusted at the idea that Sam's death could allow him to be with Cas. He wouldn't entertain it. He wouldn't let that even enter his head for longer than the split second it did so involuntarily.

It felt like they had been sitting there for days, the woman who was grieving had left and they were left alone to stew in their own fear and self- loathing.

When they heard doors opening they both stood again, only to find the doors had opened from the other end of the room and Charlie was rushing towards them. "I'm sorry it took me so long. I- had to kick everyone- oh god. Do you know anything yet?" She was pulling Dean into her arms and he let her, his arms falling over her shoulders and squeezing.

He shook his head no as she let go of him and opened her arms out to Cas who stepping into her hug but didn't return it. "How long has it been?"

Dean shrugged and shook his head again.

"An hour and thirteen minutes." Cas replied quietly.

"Bobby and Ellen?"

"Should be here any minute." Dean answered.

His stomach flipped and jumped into his throat as the doors to the surgical center opened and a tall man came out. He walked towards them with an unreadable face and Dean felt like he might vomit. Charlie caught his expression and spun around, standing between the two men and taking their hands.

"I'm Dr. Gadreel. Which one of you is Mr. Winchester's brother?" The doctor asked, looking between Dean and Castiel.

"I am. How is he?" Dean's voice was trembling but he couldn't control it.

"Your brother's injuries are severe. We repaired several broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and had to remove his spleen." Charlie gasped and Dean felt his body shaking as the doctor continued. "He has a spinal injury-"

"But is he's going to survive?" Cas' words were out before Dean could find them.

The doctor took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The damage to your brother's brain was severe. The monitors are showing no signs of brain activity and he is unable to breath without the use of a machine."

"What are you saying?" Dean whispered.

"I'm saying that at the moment, its too soon to know for sure. I will say that the odds of your brother waking up are very low. The damage sustain in the accident was just too extensive."

"Ever? Wake up...ever?" Cas' voice was a pleading mess and Dean knew he was crying.

"That is a very real possibility. I'm very sorry." The doctor took a beat then added. "I'm going to have a nurse come and talk to you about your options. Do you have any questions for me?"

Dean just stared at the man. What kind of questions was he supposed to ask? What kind of options was he talking about? Was he not acting like he should in the moment he was just told he may never hear his brothers voice again? Why was the world shaking around him and why did it feel like he had just been hit by something sharp and blunt at the same time?

"Dean?" Charlie's voice was meek and she squeezed his hand.

"Can we see him?" He managed to get out.

"He is being transferred to the ICU. You can wait in that waiting room and the nurse will let you know when you can go in." The doctor put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Do you know where that is?"

Dean shook his head no.

"One floor down."

Dean nodded.

The doctor stepped back. "I'm so very sorry Mr. Winchester, all of you."

Dean could see Cas nod next to Charlie, and heard Charlie say something back but couldn't come up with a voice to thank the doctor. He watched as Dr. Gadreel turned and disappeared into the doors he came through.

He vaguely heard the doors behind them open and Charlie leave his side. Bobby's face was in his then, and the old man's hands on his cheeks but he couldn't hear anything he was saying. The world was swaying around him, and he couldn't keep up. His chest was heaving as he felt Cas pull his hand into his own and thread their fingers together. His instinct was to squeeze his hand and hold it to his chest, as Bobby kept asking him questions he didn't know how to answer.

But he didn't. Another instinct drove him harder and he pulled his hand out of Cas' as he turned abruptly towards the trash cans by the doors and vomited.

/

"How long before they know if he'll..." Ellen trailed off as she sobbed into the tissue Charlie had gotten her.

They were seated around the chairs of the ICU waiting area, impatiently awaiting the moment they could see Sam.

"I don't know." Dean answered.

The truth was though, that Dean did know what would happen. He'd seen enough to know that if Sam didn't wake up on his own, and there was no sign of brain activity after a few days, he would be forced to make a decision.

A nurse approach them then with her hands behind her back. "Alright, two at a time."

Dean jumped up and started moving towards his brother's room, not caring who the second person would be. He heard the group discussing something before he felt Cas behind him.

He followed the nurse into Sam's room, stopping in the doorway as he took in what was waiting for him.

Sam was laying in the hospital bed, blanket stretched up under his arms and white bandages wrapped around his head. There were tubes coming out of his chest and mouth, and scrapes and bruising along his face and arms.

He looked like he was sleeping.

Dean heard himself whimper and only moved forward because he felt the weight of Cas' hand on his back.

"The beeping of the machines just lets us know how everything is going. Mind the wires and don't touch anything." The nurse voice was mild but firm. "Ill be at the desk if you need anything." She left then, moving around Cas who had yet to leave the doorway.

Dean walked over to his brother's bed and stared down at him. He carefully reached for his hand and squeezed it between his own.

This was his little brother. The guy he made forts with as kids and taught how to fight. The guy who cried when he came out to Dean, and cried harder when Dean smiled and hugged him tight. The man who had done nothing but be appreciative and loving to Dean his entire life.

Dean heard Cas move behind him and let his eyes follow his form as he settled on the other side of the bed, resting his hands on the railing. Cas' lips were trembling and there were tears streaming down his face.

He knew why Cas was crying, he knew Cas loved his brother and never wanted anything to happen to him. But something did happen. Sam could be dead soon and Dean knew he should feel sorry for the man across from him, grieving so openly.

But he didn't.

It only made Dean angry.

He swallowed hard and looked back down at his brother. He was shaking his head as his words came out gruff and hoarse.

"This is on us."

Cas didn't hesitate to respond, his voice merely a whisper. "I know."

/

Dean was beating the crap out of a vending machine when Charlie came up behind him and handed him a sandwich.

"Thought you could use this." She said calmly as he threw one last punch at the plastic box.

Dean spun around and let his back fall on the machine. He nodded and grabbed the sandwich but let the hand that held it, drop to his side.

"You done?"

He nodded again, this time slow and deliberate. "Thanks."

"Cas is on the phone with his sister." Charlie turned and began leading them back to the waiting room. "He sounds...really torn up Dean. Have you talked to him?"

"Not really." Dean muttered.

"He doesn't really have anyone Dean, and he wont say more than a few words to me." Charlie stopped him and put her hand on his arm. "You're his best friend. Despite all this shit that's gone on...you're still his best friend. He needs you...you need each other."

Dean didn't say anything. He pursed his lips and gave her a hard look before turning away and walking back to his chair.

He knew Cas had no one but him right now, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to him. What they had done, what they have been doing, he couldn't let go of that now that Sam's life was on the line. His feelings for Cas now felt dirty, like he was benefiting from his brother's possible death and he wanted to push them as far from his mind as possible.

He could hear Cas talking to Anna from across the waiting room, his voice defeated but calm.

"I don't know."

"They didn't say."

"Yes. No, Anna you don't have-"

"Fine. Do you remember the address?"

"Ill text it to you."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

Dean pulled his eyes away as Cas brought the phone down and ended his conversation.

Bobby and Ellen came back into the waiting room then, both of their eyes bloodshot and Ellen crying quietly against Bobby's shoulder. Charlie went to her and hugged her from the side, letting her chin rest on Ellen's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry." Dean heard her whisper and was so grateful to have someone like Charlie in his life.

"You lot should get some rest, we'll stay here tonight." Bobby was looking at Cas, but Dean couldn't bring himself to.

"I'm fine." Castiel walked over to the group. "I'm not leaving."

"Me either." Dean said sternly.

"Yeah- i figured as much." Bobby shook his head. "That's why i had them pull a cot into his room. There's a sofa too."

Dean nodded and turned to Charlie. "Do you want me to go in with you?"

Charlie looked like she was about to nod but her head turned towards Castiel instead. "Actually... Cas, do you mind?"

Castiel's face was solemn but his words were kind and gentle. "Of course." He led them towards Sam's room and Dean watched as they disappeared inside. He knew under different circumstances he would feel a certain amount of anxiety at the thought of Charlie requesting Cas over him, but shook it off and pulled his keys out of his pockets.

Bobby's brow furrowed as Dean handed the keys to him. "You think you can go by Sam's place and grab some stuff? His pillow and some pajamas, and a change of clothes just in case..." He trailed off, unable to finish that thought.

"Sure kid." Bobby fingered the keys. "You sure you'll be alright while we're gone?"

"Yeah." Dean ran a hand down his face. He was exhausted and emotionally drained, it wouldn't be long before he fell flat on his face. "Why don't you guys stay at my place for the rest of the night and come by tomorrow with his stuff?"

Ellen stepped forward and pulled Dean into a hug. "I'm so sorry Dean. I-I-"

Dean hushed her with a kiss to her temple. "It's alright Ellen. It's going to be alright." He looked over her shoulder to Bobby and motioned to him to take over. He pulled his wife to him and nodded to Dean. "Alright, we'll be back tomorrow. You call if anything changes?"

"Yes. I will."

/

Nothing changed.

It had been six days and sixteen hours since Sam entered the hospital, and there was still no brain activity.

Dean knew what this meant. He knew what the doctor standing at the foot of Sam's bed was going to say to him next and he clenched his fists to restrain the violence that threatened to escape.

"I'm sorry Dean, but I think it's time we revisit your options."

"I know my damn options." Dean said quietly.

He did know. In fact, Sam had told Dean plenty of times before how he never wanted to be living life as a vegetable and to the pull the plug if that was the case. Dean had laughed and told him he wouldn't think twice.

But that was before.

Before it became reality. Before he watched his brother lay motionless in a bed for almost a week, praying to any god that would listen to bring his brother back. He bargained and pleading and just about exhausted his voice on threats to an empty room.

"Do you know-" The doctor's voice cut through his thoughts.

"He wouldn't want this." Dean whispered. His eyes shot over to the couch where Castiel was sleeping. There was a very big piece of him that wanted to curl up next to him and take comfort in his embrace. He could let Cas hold him, wrapping his own arms around the writer and let go of his steel reserve. They would cry and hold on to each other, desperately keeping one another together.

"Do you wish to sign the order to remove him from life support?" The doctor asked gently.

Dean didn't say anything. He let himself look at Cas' sleeping form for another moment before pushing his eyes to his brother and holding back the heave his chest wanted to give. Every time he looked at him it was like the first time, a shock of terrifying proportions that assaulted him with pain and guilt.

"Yes."

/

"How do you know Dean?" Castiel's voice was barely a whisper, his eyes on the comatose man in the bed between them. "There are stories of people waking up years later...maybe-"

"No Cas. I talked to them about that...they said with Sam's injury that would be extremely unlikely."

"But not impossible?" There was so much hope in his eyes and a week ago Dean would have done anything not to crush it, but right now couldn't let himself care.

"I don't think they are legally allowed to say the word impossible." Dean said bitterly.

"Anna said-"

"Cas this is my decision. Not yours." Dean's tone was stern now, like a father scolding his child.

Cas shot him a look that made Dean take a step back. "Don't pull that shit Dean."

"It's true Cas. I'm only telling you out of courtesy."

"Courtesy? Are you fucking-" Cas cut himself off and shook his head. He let out a long breath and when he spoke again his tone was much softer. "I understand that you are his brother, and it should ultimately be up to you. I was only saying that perhaps we could wait just a few more days. Give him as much of a chance as we can."

Dean was close to agreeing with him. He saw the love and fear and sadness all pouring from Cas' eyes and wanted to do what he could to make it better. But then he looked back down to his baby brother and shook his head.

"I wont let him live like this Cas. He didn't want this- he never-...He isn't in there man. He's gone." Dean brought his eyes back to Cas' whose mouth had pressed into a firm line. "We have to let him go."

"If you believe he isn't even in there what is the harm in-"

"I said no Cas!" He was shouting. "Now go find everyone and tell them to say their goodbyes!" His release did nothing but to spur on more emotion and Dean found himself breathing quickly, trying his best to hold in everything that was threatening to tear him apart.

"Dean-" He could tell Cas was trying to be calm but was edging towards anger himself. Dean didn't care, he wanted someone to yell at him, he wanted someone screaming in his face. At least then he would have something beside the overwhelming pain to focus on.

"No God Damnit! Just go Cas!" He knew the nurse would be in any moment if the yelling kept up and he prayed for it because tears were collecting and they would spill at any second. He needed Cas to go, he needed someone to interrupt this moment or he was going to fall.

Cas just stared at him, not offering any words of support.

His hands went to his sides after leaving Sam's bed, and he walked briskly from the room.

As soon as the door slammed shut, Dean collapsed in on himself.

His sobs were uncontrollable as he stared down at his brother. "I'm- God...Sammy...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry Sam. I never...

He pulled his chest down to Sam's and laid across him, hugging his brother tightly and crying into his neck.

"Please Sammy...you have to know...I love you...i love you...i'm so sorry."

/

A nurse came in while Dean slept by his brother's side. She woke him gently and went over the forms he needed to sign in order for Sam to be taken off life support. She explained the process and had him sign the consent for organ donation. He knew Sam wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

People had been coming by every day to check in on Sam. His friends from school, all of their family friends, even Cas' sister who had come to be with him.

But today would be the last day Sam would receive visitors.

The group gathered in his room and said their goodbyes through tear stained cheeks and broken sobs. Jo couldn't get through more than a word before her knees buckled and Bobby had to help her out of the room. One by one Sam's loved ones told him how much they would miss him, how much he meant to them.

They filed out of the room slowly, leaving just Dean and Castiel.

Dean looked over to Cas. "I'll be outside. Let me know when you're-"

"No. You don't need to leave." Cas shook his head and took Sam's hand.

He didn't say anything. Castiel just looked down at Sam and stared. He looked calm and collected but Dean knew better. It was the eye of the storm, deceptively quiet before all hell broke loose.

They stood there for a very long time, staring down at the man both of them had loved so deeply, but betrayed none the less.

"Are you ready?" Dean finally whispered and Castiel pulled his eyes up to the red and swollen green ones across from him and nodded.

Dean called their family back in as well as the doctor.

Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Charlie stood along the wall of the room; silent tears running down their faces. They were all connected, holding on to each other for support.

Dean and Cas stood on either side of Sam's bed, taking his hands into theirs.

The doctor unceremoniously turned off the machine after Dean motioned to him and the room grew silent except for the quiet beep of the heart monitor.

"Now we just wait." The doctor said quietly. "I'll let you have your privacy."

Castiel's eyes flickered to the heart monitor that still beeped to signal that Sam's heart was beating on its own. Dean saw hope spread across the young man's features and it made him love him more than he ever had before.

Which only made him feel worse.

Just a moment later though, the beeping began to slow and Dean knew what would happen next. He readied himself for the moment the sound no longer pulsed but became a steady buzz that would signal the death of his little brother. He let his eyes slip to the monitor to find the numbers falling quickly and his heart ached.

This was it.

Sam was dying.

Sam's heart was about to stop and never beat again.

Everything that made the man laying in that bed Sam Winchester was about to cease to exist.

He swallowed down the bile he tasted rising and brought his eyes to Castiel's. They stared at one another using the comfort of the other's eyes to brace for the moment the beeping stopped. Castiel's breath hitched as the last beep echoed in the room and fell into a long drawn out sound that removed Sam from their lives forever.

Dean closed his eyes and let the noise drown out the sobs behind him and squeezed Sam's hand. With his other hand he turned to the monitor and turned it off. The room was silent except for whimpers of grief and Dean turned his gaze back to his little brother. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead, putting his hand on his cheek and staring down at him with quiet despair.

Castiel leaned down next, kissing Sam's lips and laying his head down next to the dead man's head. Dean couldn't hear what he was saying, but knew Castiel was whispering into his brother's ear. Cas laid there for a long moment before rising and wiping away the tears that blurred his blue eyes.

The next few minutes were spent in silence until a nurse came in and told them they would need to take Sam downstairs. Dean and Cas held onto his hands until the very last second, before Sam was wheeled away. Dean felt arms go around him and knew from the smell of motor oil it was Bobby, but felt like he could barely make out his shape. It was as if he was watching the moment from two perspectives, one from his body and one from above. His own interpretation was foggy and thick with sadness, but the scene from above was clear and emotionless.

Another nurse was there then, handing Dean a plastic bag that he could tell contained the suit Sam was wearing the night of the accident. The light fabric was stained red in multiple places and his hands tightened unnaturally around the bag. There was something else in there, his hand squeezing a small and hard object, but he didn't give it much thought before being pulled into another embrace.

"You're going to make it through this Dean." Ellen was whispering in his ear. "You're strong. Stronger than all of us." She held onto him so tightly, he felt like he was being kept together by her arms.

"Did he know?" He whispered. "Did he know how much-"

Ellen pulled back and took his tear soaked face in her hands. "That boy knew how much you loved him. He knew everyday." He couldn't bring himself to agree, knowing the extent of his deceit.

He couldn't possibly have loved his brother the way Sam deserved.

He didn't deserve Ellen's sympathy.

Dean looked over to find Charlie hugging a somber looking Cas, who was hugging her back weakly. He looked all kinds of broken and Dean let his anger at himself, outshine the sympathy in his heart.

Looking at Cas, watching him accept the hug Charlie gave him and the embrace Ellen was now pulling him into, it made Dean blind with rage.

Cas deserved sympathy no more than Dean did.

They were both guilty.

They didn't get to feel bad about something they were responsible for.


	22. Escape

They had left the hospital after signing multiple forms and getting information booklets about grief counseling shoved at them.

Bobby and Ellen begged Dean to come home with them, they invited all of them back, but Dean only wanted to be alone. Charlie left to handle things at the bar, not having anyone to cover both Cas and her shifts, and Cas had disappeared sometime after the hugs in Sam's hospital room.

Dean was grateful for it.

He could barely bring himself to look at him. Seeing Cas was now a physical reminder of his dead brother. His little brother who he had been lying to for over a year.

His love for Castiel had always been something so overwhelmingly powerful that he felt helpless and strong at the same time. But now the stain of betrayal had marred its beauty enough to remind him how horrible it really was.

Now that love was a traitorous abomination that needed to be squashed.

It had become the thing he hated most about himself. He didn't want to see him, didn't want to look at Cas grieve the man he said he loved, but kissed Dean anyway. He didn't want to watch him cry over Sam, knowing Cas didn't love Sam the way he deserved to be loved.

He knew actually seeing Cas would probably tear down some of the walls he was building, and Dean didn't want that. He refused to insult his brother's memory as terribly as he did in life. It repulsed him the way his skin hummed as the writer approached, he was appalled by the way his heart beat just for him. He wanted to tear it out, tear everything away and light a match.

Dean slid into the front seat of his car, tossing the plastic bag into the passenger seat. The steering wheel was frozen under his fingers but he welcomed the sensation. It was another distraction, something else to focus on. He squeezed the wheel until his knuckles blanched and his hands shook. His body felt like it was going to explode with tension, an unrelenting pulse of angry energy that was desperate for a release.

His breath came out in a loud huff after Dean realized he had been holding it.

How was he going to do this? How would he live a life without Sam?

He had lost his parents, and found a way to move on, but he was so young. Sam has been his cornerstone for almost his whole life. He was the one constant that he could count on to be there, to love him and take him in no matter what. He knew Bobby and Ellen loved him, but it wasn't the same.

Sam had always been his home.

Lately though, he had felt that begin to shift. He found peace in the irises of Castiel's eyes, comfort in the baritone of his voice.

Cas had become his sanctuary. The place he could go in body or mind to make him feel whole.

And now that was gone too.

Dean cursed himself and slammed his head against the steering wheel.

His mind raced as he tried to talk himself out of his own destruction.

Maybe he didn't have to let go of Cas. Maybe Cas and he could get through this together, maybe they could forget everything and just hope Sam would have been happy for them.

Sam.

Sam was dead.

Sam would not have been happy that his brother loved his boyfriend. That his boyfriend loved his brother. That he died so they could be together.

That would not make anyone happy.

Dean grimaced at his train of thought and threw the key into the ignition.

He was going to need a fuck ton of alcohol, and he was going to need it immediately.

/

By the time Dean finished his fourth beer, he had opened the bottle of whiskey and began sipping it between gulps of his IPA.

He was sitting awkwardly on the floor of his kitchen, the counters on either side of him closing him in like a cheap wooden hug. The linoleum was hard under his ass, but he didn't care enough to get up. He had pulled the case of beer from the fridge so that he wouldn't have to move, and the bottle of whiskey had found its home in his lap.

He let his mind wander over his favorite memories of his brother, baseball games and summers at the lake with Bobby, Ellen, and Jo. He remembered the first time Sam lost a tooth and the stupid grin he got on his face. He laughed to himself at the memory of an eight year old Sam telling him his favorite band was Green Day and Dean punching him in the arm.

Dean knew he should be planning a funeral, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything but get so drunk he pissed himself. He didn't want to think or feel. He just wanted to be numb.

He could feel a buzzing in his pocket but ignored it, not wanting to talk to anyone about anything.

Dean thought over his last words to his brother, the last time he saw him before the accident.

His blood ran cold as he realized when that was.

Sam and Cas were kissing. Dean had seen them and remembered feeling like someone had cut out his heart and lit it on fire in front of him. His hands clenched around the whiskey bottle at the memory, his jealousy and heartache still fresh as the image floated across his mind.

That was it.

The last memory he had of his brother, was of him being jealous of Sam, of hating Sam.

He hated that Sam had met Cas first. That he got to touch him whenever he wanted and kiss him in front of everyone. He hated Sam for having the one person Dean had ever truly been in love with.

He hated him.

Dean shut his eyes tight and slammed his head against the wall of his kitchen. He found pleasure in the pain, in the rush of adrenaline before his head met with wall again with a loud thud.

Of course that was his last memory. Because his life wasn't already a fucking train wreck, his last memory of his brother had to be something that could keep him in therapy for the rest of his life.

"I'm so sorry Sammy." Dean whispered up to his ceiling.

He wondered if Sam knew now.

Dean had never given much thought to heaven and hell or any of the religious crap people tried to shove down everyone's throats. He liked the idea of an afterlife, but figured it stemmed from peoples fear of not existing, not from truth.

That didn't stop him from worrying that if there was afterlife, Sam could somehow read his soul now, and know of his betrayal. He feared that if there was a next life, Sam would enter it thinking he wasn't as loved as he believed himself to be, and that thought tortured Dean.

If there was a God, Dean hoped he would help Sam see all of it. Help him see their struggle, show Sam how much Dean really did love him. Show Sam how sorry Dean was for everything he and Cas had done, for everything his heart still wanted to do.

Most of the time Dean was comfortable believing there was no God. But there were times that he felt like it wasn't possible that there wasn't some supreme being, pulling strings and making plans. Mostly, he felt like that when he was with Cas.

He shook his head quickly as he tried to push thoughts of Castiel away. He didn't want to think of him. It was the only thing he could think to do to make it up to Sam, not thinking of Cas.

But as soon as his eyes closed, all he saw was piercing blue and soft, full lips. He saw the tears Cas had shed at hospital, the hope in his eyes as they waited for Sam's heart to stop. It felt wrong not to go running to Cas, giving and receiving the comfort they both so desperately needed. It was like he was going against his bodies natural instincts, like telling his lungs not to breath, or his heart not to beat. He found his muscles tensing and aching with restraint.

"Stop it Dean."

He hated himself for thinking of Cas, for letting himself think of anything but Sam.

As if preparing to physically battle his own mind, Dean pushed himself up to stand and sauntered out of his kitchen, limping over his sleeping foot. His eyes traveled to the plastic bag the nurse had given him and Dean reached for it. He felt like he needed a swift kick in the nuts for his thoughts of Castiel and pulled the suit from the bag. The blood stains served their purpose and Dean was back to hating himself and being pissed off at Cas.

He brought the jacket up to his face and inhaled. He almost threw the jacket to the ground as Sam's scent mingled with Castiel's and Dean's heart plummeted in his chest.

His fingers brushed against something hard though, and it pulled him out of his incoming tantrum. Dean reached inside the silky interior pocket, his skin crawling the moment his fingers grasped the object inside.

He froze.

It cant be what it feels like.

Maybe its cufflinks.

Or a present for Ellen.

Or...

Dean's breath quickened as he slowly pulled the small box out of the pocket and dropped the jacket to the floor. His face contorted in a combination of pain and outrage. He looked at the box like it might explode between his fingers, its soft velvet texture like nails against his skin.

He took several deep breaths before summoning the strength to open it.

/

Castiel couldn't go home.

His home was made up of Sam.

Sam's books. His clothes. His laptop that's screen savor was a picture of them at the beach. His shoes that were always piled up next to the door instead of in his closet. His stupid vegan mayonnaise which never made sense because Sam wasn't a vegan.

Sam would be everywhere, surrounding him, haunting him.

Anna would be there too.

She had come on the first flight out of New York and was staying with him. After Sam died, he told her he wanted to be alone and asked her to wait for him at home.

Now he couldn't bring himself to go there, or face her.

She knew just about everything that had happened between him and Dean and that fact tortured Castiel. It was bad enough that he had to live the rest of his life knowing he failed Sam, that he had basically sent Sam to his death that night, but having his sister know it made it even worse.

Castiel had ended up driving to Sam's campus and got out to walk around. He had never been there before and tried to picture Sam running to class on the path through the various quads, or sitting on a bench under a tree to read a book. He went inside the library and tried to figure out which table Sam would have preferred.

It was something he demanded of himself, to think only of Sam. He wouldn't let his mind wander to how Dean was handling it, or if Dean needed him. He didn't deserve to comfort Dean, didn't deserve to stand by his side right now. Or ever.

Cas had killed his brother.

It was a fact that hit him the moment his eyes landed on Sam in that hospital bed.

If he hadn't been so eager to be alone with Dean, if he hadn't of practically pushed Sam out the door that night, Sam wouldn't have been in that taxi. Sam wouldn't be gone.

There was a piece of him that wanted to blame Dean as well, but couldnt form a good enough argument. If Dean knew the truth, if he knew that Castiel had sent Sam away that night, he would hate him.

If he didn't already.

The thought sent a cold chill down his spine and the hairs on his arms to stand on end. Dean hating him would be a nail in his partially dug coffin. Castiel couldn't imagine what his life would be like now. Sam was gone, and from the way Dean looked at him at the hospital, he had lost him too. He wasn't surprised, he always wondered when Dean would wake up and realize what a fucking waste he was, he had just hoped it wouldn't have been because of something he could never come back from. Killing his brother is bound to put a strain on their relationship.

Castiel sat in one of the large chairs in the library and closed his eyes. He hadn't really slept since Sam's accident, and although he knew he wasn't going to sleep now, his eyes needed to rest. He had no more tears to give, they had dried up the moment his foot hit the pavement outside of the hospital, but he wanted to cry.

Crying was at least something he could do.

His phone began to vibrate in his pocket, and Castiel almost ignored it, but he felt a tingle in his spine that told him it was Dean, and he fished it out of his pants.

"Hello Dean."

"Cas, you need to get over here."

Castiel stood up abruptly. Dean sounded anxious and distressed and anyone else would think it made sense, but Cas knew better.

"What is it?" Cas' voice was urgent.

"Just come to my apartment." Dean commanded.

"Alright."

Dean hung up.

Castiel's feet were moving before his mind had time to catch up. He was in his car and driving the fifteen minutes to Dean's apartment in a haze of racing thoughts and spiraling emotions.

By the time he made it there, Castiel was convinced he was about to either get punched in the face or have grief stricken, angry sex.

He didn't bother knocking.

"Dean?" Castiel had never been in Dean's apartment and tried to adjust to his surroundings as his eyes searched for the older man.

The kitchen was towards the back wall of the front room, with a living room and small foyer in front of it. The couch was angled towards a television that hung on the wall that shared the front door. He noticed a hallway to the left of the kitchen that he assumed led to a bedroom and bathroom.

Dean' head popped up from under the counters of kitchen, his eyes wide with too many things Castiel didn't want to name. "Did you know?" Dean spat at him.

His harsh tone took Castiel back, but he did his best to shake it off, knowing Dean was in no condition to have a level head. "What? Did I know what?"

Dean moved around the half wall that separated the kitchen and living room. He was holding a bottle of beer in one hand and grasping something small in his other.

Suddenly Dean's arm was up and hurling the unknown object at him, and Castiel flinched and protected his face from the incoming assault. The object hit him square in his turned shoulder and fell to the ground. "What the fuck Dean?!"

"Tell me you didn't know Cas!" Dean was shouting, his face red, his eyes wide.

"Know what?" Cas screamed back, letting himself give into the same passion Dean was consumed by. "What the fuck was that?" Castiel looked down at the object that had fallen next to his feet and felt his heart stop. "What...what is that?" His voice was much quieter now, a tremble cutting through the words.

"I found it." Dean was still across the room, his body tensing for a fight. "In Sam's pocket."

Castiel could feel his heart rate climbing as he bent down and picked up the small box.

The shape of the box combined with Dean's reaction told him everything he needed to know.

Sam was going to propose.

Marriage.

Sam wanted to marry him.

He was going to give him a ring.

And Dean had found it.

Castiel's mouth went dry and every inch of red from his screams drained away from his face, as he opened the box.

It was a silver band, with dark inlaid ridges along the two edges. It was brushed, not shiny, and was wider than the typical bands he had seen before. His fingers grazed the metal, taking in its beauty as he mourned the loss of it. "No." Castiel shook his head. "I didn't know."

He refused to pull the ring out of the box, feeling it was a violation now that Sam was gone and never knew the truth. Castiel closed the box quickly and laid it on the coffee table in front of him. He could feel his body adjusting to the moment, taking in Dean's state of unrest and his own shock, and slipped into a near catatonic state.

Dean let out of angry breath and slammed his beer bottle on the island counter top. "He wanted to fucking marry you Cas!"

When he found his voice, his words came out cold and emotionless. "Yes. It would appear-"

"Don't fucking do that!" Dean was shouting again. "Don't talk like that right now! Just speak like a normal person for five fucking seconds damnit!" Castiel snapped out of his emotional coma and felt his own anger returning.

Anger at himself, anger at Dean for reacting this way. Anger at Sam for loving him so fucking much that he wanted to marry him. Anger at anyone for loving him because what was the point? It was always going to end this way wasn't it? One way or another, Castiel knew he would hurt Sam.

"This is the way that I speak Dean! If you don't like it you can-"

"Oh shut up Cas! Don't act like you aren't fucking falling apart right now. I know you. I know what you're thinking! This...that ring? This is not the time for perfectly constructed sentences." Dean voice became calmer towards the end of his sentence, but Castiel could still see the rage fuming beneath the surface. He tried to bring himself down as well.

"I didn't know about the ring. He never said...we never talk explicitly about that."

"About getting married?"

"No. There were off handed comments here and there, but nothing concrete. I-I never dreamed he'd-"

"Yeah well he did." Dean said bitterly. "And you weren't thinking of him at all."

"That's not fair." Castiel took a step forward.

"Its true isn't it? You weren't thinking of him like he was thinking of you." Dean shook his head, his hand behind his neck and pulling down. "He wanted to spend the rest of his life with you Cas. And you? You wanted me. His brother."

"Dean, don't do this." Castiel knew he sounded more desperate than he intended, but he couldn't handle the way Dean was speaking to him. He hated himself enough already, he didn't want to hear it from Dean too. "You know how much I cared about him."

"Not enough apparently." Dean said under his breath. "Or maybe he would still be here."

Castiel's eyes shot wide and his mouth hung open. It was one thing for him to blame himself for Sam's death, but for Dean to pretty openly put it all on him had him reeling. "What?"

Dean just shook his head and let his eyes fall to the floor.

Cas' face was getting hot with the rage of everything he wanted to fix, everything Dean was pushing him towards, and Castiel felt a damn breaking in his mind.

"Are you- are you blaming me for this?" Castiel said, anger and shock lacing his words.

"I don't know Cas. I sure as hell aint thanking you for anything." Dean turned around and bent down to the floor in his kitchen and stood back up with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He took a long swig. He wiped his mouth on his long sleeve shirt and glared. "You and me, Cas we did this."

Some of Castiel's anger melted away at Dean's inclusion in the blame, but still remained outwardly hostile. "You think i don't know that? You think i haven't been recounting all the ways i could have saved him? You think i haven't been killing myself thinking about how fucked up all of this is?" Castiel moved quickly across the room and snatched the bottle of whiskey out of Dean's hand. He turned it up and took three long gulps before putting back on the counter.

"I think we are going to have to live with the fact that we killed my brother. That because we couldn't keep our hormones in check, my brother died thinking we were much better men than we are." Dean took the bottle and took a large mouthful of the liquor.

"Our hormones? Don't do that! Don't reduce what we have to that!" Castiel was in his face. "You know this isn't...this has never been that!" He could feel his body pulsing, his skin itching with fury.

"Don't tell me what it is Cas! I know what this is! Its disgusting, its vial, its the single worst thing that has ever happened to me! You- you are the worst fucking thing to have ever happened to me!" Castiel saw the tears that were rolling down Dean's face but ignored them, concentrating only on the words he yelled. "Sam didn't deserve this Cas! Didn't deserve someone like you doing this to him! He trusted you! He never would have thought this of you! You betrayed him, your bro-" Dean cut himself off, his eyes widening and his chest heaving.

Castiel was taking it all in, every word, soaking in it like a poison he was ready to die in. He let Dean tear into him because a part of him knew its what Dean needed. Because no matter what, Castiel's instinct was to be there for him.

The other parts of him though, were at war. While his heart wanted to give Dean what he needed most in that moment, his mind was taking every one of Dean's word at face value and believing in their truth. His fists were also ready to find a home in Dean's jaw, and his lips wanted to bruise every inch of his skin.

Dean had moved closer, his face falling, and his hand going up as if wanting to reach out and touch Castiel but then clenching and dropping to his side. "Cas I-"

"Don't." Castiel raised his hand to stop him. A wash of calm came over him, like the placid waters of a lake before a freak storm. "You're right."

"No I shouldn't have...I'm just..." Dean debated with himself for a moment before asking something Castiel wasn't prepared to answer. "What would you have said?"

His breath wouldn't come when he tried to suck it in. He stammered, his calm resolve crumbling quickly at Dean's question. "You can't expect me to-"

"It's a simple question Cas." Dean's hands were on his hips. "Would you have said yes?"

"Dean-"

"No God damnit i need to know!" Dean shouted again. "He wanted to spend the rest of his life with you Cas! He wanted you that much! And you..." Dean was shaking now. "Did you? DId you want him forever?"

"You know the answer to that!" Cas screamed into Dean's face. "I was willing to leave with you! I would have given everything up for you!"

Dean took in a sharp breath, his face morphing into sad disgust as he stepped back. "This was wrong. It is so fucking wrong Cas."

Castiel took a deep breath. He tried to focus his emotional tsunami and remember that Dean was grieving. He knew Dean needed to let everything out, come clean so he could begin to let himself truly mourn. He wanted that for him, he wanted it for himself.

"Yes. It was wrong. It is wrong." Castiel face was blank, and he could see Dean's eyes roaming over his face, trying to figure him out, but he refused to break again. "You're right, about all of it. Sam's death...it could have been avoided if I didn't love you. But i do. And i will continue to do so because i don't think its physically possible for me to stop. But that doesn't mean it makes it right. It doesn't mean i can barely look at you without seeing him."

Dean was shaking his head. He leaned closer, his face wet from the tears he had shed during his tirade. "Cas...what...what are we going to do?"

"I'm going to go." Castiel turned to leave but Dean reached out to stop him. His hand on his shoulder felt like the heaviest weight his body could have sustained, its warmth radiating down his body and straight to his heart before he even had a chance to muffle the gasp that escaped his lips.

"Wait." Dean's eyes were on Castiel's hands, his chest, his feet, anything and everything that wasn't his face.

"You cant look at me either."

Dean's eyes narrowed and brought his eyes up to Castiel's. "i'm looking at you right now."

"Not really." Castiel watched as Dean's gaze shifted and stuttered and landed on him for seconds at a time. "Its not the same."

Dean didn't say anything.

"It makes sense. I know that looking at me reminds you of everything we've done to betray Sam." He spoke with cold calculation that made his own heart shudder. "I know that because that's all I see when i look at you too."

It wasn't entirely true, but it wasn't a lie either. Castiel found himself still aching for Dean despite their circumstances. He knew if Dean asked him to stay, to be with him, he would do it. He knew he would do anything to keep Dean, and he hated himself even more. He knew he didnt deserve him, just like he didnt deserve Sam, but that never stopped him before.

"You're right. You should go." Dean whispered, his foot moving him another step closer to Castiel. The last word shook, and Castiel looked deeper at the man in front of him.

It was obvious he was fighting to keep himself together now that Castiel really inspected him. He was barely standing, his clothes wrinkled and stained with beer, his face rough and making him look ten years older. He was on the verge of collapse, definitely emotionally and probably physically as well.

Castiel wanted to reach out and take him into his arms. He wanted to soothe him and take away all of his pain. But he feared rejection and the heartache that would come with knowing Dean would hate him for his willingness to be with him.

"Cas..." It was barely a whisper, but Castiel heard the desperation beneath his name on Dean's tongue.

And then Cas was gone. Everything he had told himself not to do, not to say, all of it came crashing down around the sound of his name from Dean's lips. It was formed out of pain and sadness, but also love and need and it pulled Cas in.

It pulled him so fast and so hard that they were kissing before either one of them knew they had moved.

It wasn't gentle or even remotely nice.

They abused each other's mouths, pulling hair and biting lips in a battle of teeth and tongue.

It was wrong.

It felt horrible but That's the only thing either of them knew how to be anymore. It was the only way they knew how to feel.

Dean pushed Castiel back, throwing him onto the couch and climbing on top of him before Castiel had a chance to even adjust his body to be more fully on the couch. Dean crashed their lips together again, and Castiel pulled on his neck violently. He couldnt stop, couldnt take another breath if it meant this would end. He needed everything Dean was throwing down to him, he would take him any way he could get him.

They fell to the floor, their angle on the couch impossible to sustain, and Dean laid himself out on top of Castiel. Their hips grinded together as their lips moved in unsynchronized movements that left their cheeks wet with saliva and their lips swollen. He didnt let himself think of the consequences, or what Dean was thinking right then, all he knew was that he hated every second of this, but couldnt stop if his life depended on it.

Castiel could feel Dean's cock against his thigh, his own bucking into Dean's, seeping and throbbing with need. The friction of his jeans began to ache painfully and he reached between them to undo Dean's pants and pulled them down roughly. He didn't care that this was the last thing they should be doing, and it was definitely not how he wanted their first time together to go. All he could understand, all he could feel was his need to be with Dean , to abuse and be abused. Dean complied instantly, ripping Castiel's pants to his thighs and bringing their cocks together as he pushed himself back down onto Castiel. They moved at a fast and dirty pace, their mouths only uttering growls and groans between harsh kisses.

It was over quickly.

Their orgasms sullying them further and bringing them even farther into despair.

Dean rolled off of Castiel the moment he came down, cringing away from the contact.

Castiel didn't say anything. As soon as Dean's weight left him, he felt empty and destroyed. Dean had carved out every piece of himself in Castiel's heart, and he was left with nothing but gaping wound. Cas realized what a horrible mistake they had made and was disgusted with himself for treating Dean that way, for letting Dean do the same to him.

They were supposed to be better than that. They were supposed to be something amazing. They weren't supposed to be this.

Castiel suppressed the sob that threatened his lips at the realization that he had fucked up yet again. That he had probably just lost Dean forever.

Dean stayed silent next to him, and Castiel couldn't bring himself to look at him. He wiped up the mess on his stomach with a blanket on the couch and pulled up his pants quickly.

He left Dean laying on the living room floor, as he turned and walked out of the apartment.


	23. What About Today?

It took Dean almost half an hour before he summoned the courage to open his eyes.

He had heard Cas cleaning himself up and standing, and was racking his brain for what to say.

This was stupid. A mistake. Please stay. I'm sorry. I still...

His eyes were closed tight, the strain of the grimace on his face, creasing his forehead and his hand instinctually went up to cover his eyes.

Dean was still trying to come up with the right thing to say when he heard Cas walk out.

Dean couldn't bring himself to open his eyes to watch him go. His body jumped with the slam of the door, and was sure if it were possible to burrow straight into the ground by sheer mental effort, he would be half way to china by now.

The floor beneath him was rough and itchy on his bare ass, and the setting sun was streaming on his face from the window next to the television. It's heat burned into his cheeks and Dean let himself stew for a long time before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes. He tried to adjust to the new world he was seeing.

A world where he screwed around with Cas on his living room floor, hours after he pulled the plug on his little brother. A world where despite how much he hated himself for it, he was still desperately in love with the man his brother had wanted to marry. A world where his hand unconsciously reached out and rubbed over the carpet where that man had laid moments before, just wanting to take in as much of him as he could.

The ceiling had a water stain from a leak in the apartment above him, and he stared at it for a long moment. He inspected the way the water made the paint yellow and fade in a inconsistent circular pattern, and he found comfort in how simple and ordinary it was. It felt real and it brought him back to the reality of what his life had become.

Dean pulled himself up with a groan and went to his bathroom to shower. He pulled off his stained shirt, not bothering to hold it away from his face, their sex mucking him up further as it went up and over. He let his pants fall all the way to the floor, stepped into the shower, and turned it on. The water was cold as it began to pour over his head but he didn't care. He took on each icy drop as a punishment for his sins.

He forced his mind to go blank as he slowly made his way through his shower routine. He focused his attention on each individual act.

Pick up shampoo. Open bottle. Squeeze into hand. Rub into hair.

Rinse and repeat.

Don't think of Cas. Don't think of Sam. Don't think of anything that isn't this bar of soap washing everything away.

When he was finished, Dean stepped out of his shower and walked to his bedroom. He didn't reach for his towel on the way out, just let himself drip along the carpet on the way to his bed. His body shivered at the cold air's assault but he didn't put on any clothes. Instead, he crawled under the covers of his bed, his wet body sliding uncomfortably between his sheets.

His body morphed itself into the fetal position, doing its best to hold him together in any way it could. Dean's arms wrapped around his stomach and his head buried itself into his chest. He could feel himself start to break, but clung desperately to his last shreds of strength, his nails digging holes into his sides, and his face shaking with restraint. He closed his eyes tight and bit down on his lip to stifle the brewing storm.

The moment darkness clouded his vision though, a series of images destroyed him completely.

Sam smiling and pulling Dean into a hug. Cas hovering over him, the trees of the forrest swaying as his heart hammered in his chest. Seeing Sam wave goodbye through the Impala's rearview mirror after Thanksgiving. Feeling Cas' lips against his, feeling Cas' hands run through his hair, piercing blue eyes staring back at him as they swayed in the dark. Sam laying still in a hospital bed, the steady blare of the heart monitor cursing him forever.

He began to heave, his body convulsing as pictures of Cas and Sam coursed through his mind. He shook violently, thrashing and screaming out his sobs into his pillow.

It went on for hours, his body unrelenting in its demand to be cleansed of everything he had done.

/

The following days were filled with seconds where he would forget his world had changed forever, and hours where he felt like he couldn't breathe.

Sam had expressed a desire to be cremated at some point, Dean couldn't remember when that was, but figured it wasn't exactly something he would have changed his mind about. He thought he had a memory about Sam saying he wanted his ashes spread somewhere beautiful, somewhere quiet. Dean didn't know where that would be, but couldn't think about letting go of him yet anyway.

He was picking up his ashes at the crematorium today, two days after his death. Ellen and Bobby had helped him set up a memorial service for Sam that would be the following day. He still needed to let everyone else know, all of Sam's friends and the rest of their family.

And Cas.

Dean hadn't talked to Castiel since the night he left him on his living room floor. Cas had called a few times but Dean couldn't bring himself to talk to him. He didn't know what to say, or how to say whatever it was he was feeling. He didn't know, he couldn't put any of it into words. It was all too much, too intense and so very complicated. As much as he wanted to pretend like he could forget everything and just let go of it all, Dean knew he had to deal with his relationship with Cas at some point. He just wasn't ready to go there yet.

When he picked up the urn with Sam's ashes in it, the moment went by like a simple retail transaction, something Dean had fallen into without realizing it. By the time he had made it back to his car with the urn in his hands, the weight of the moment hit him like a sack of bricks and he nearly dropped the urn onto to the pavement.

He was holding what was left of his brother in his hands.

He felt himself taking in quick sharp breaths and feared he was going to hyperventilate before closing his eyes and doing his best to steady himself. His hand reached out to lean against his car as he cradled the urn in his arm.

He imagined Sam was watching him and making a face about his strong reaction, and pulled himself together. "Can it Sammy." He murmured under his breath before opening the car door and slipping inside. He placed the urn on the passenger seat and laid his hand over it for a moment before sighing and turning the car on. The ashes were in a ziplocked bag inside the urn, so he didn't worry about it toppling over during the car ride and spilling.

The drive home was silent. He didn't want to hear anything that would remind him of his brother or Cas. Music had always been somewhat of a warm blanket he could wrap himself up in whenever life was too much. But now he feared letting it in, knowing it spoke to him too much for him to stay in his current state of avoidance.

Once he made it home though, Dean knew he needed to get his shit together enough to at least let people know about the memorial service. He settled into his couch and pulled out his phone. With a deep breath and a mental curse, Dean began to make calls.

He was lucky enough to have called the right people first, and they insisted on helping him spread the word. One of Sam's friends from college said they would write up something on facebook so that everyone who was friends with Sam would know where and when the memorial service would be held.

Dean had saved Charlie for last, knowing what he would ask of her wouldn't go over well.

"You've got to be kidding me Dean." Charlie huffed into the phone. "You cant-"

"Charlie please." Dean slumped his head back onto his couch and closed his eyes. "I cant...please just do this."

"Dean..."

"Come on Charlie, I'd do it for you." Dean pleaded.

"Maybe so but i wouldn't be such a chicken shit in the first place." He could hear glasses clanking in the background and knew she was setting up for her shift.

"True." Dean sighed. "But you'll do it?" Dean knew he sounded desperate, but he didn't care.

"Ugh. Fine. I'll tell Cas. But seriously, you two cant keep dancing around this thing. You've got to figure out what the hell it is you're going to do."

"I know. Just...not right now." Dean shook his head and winced. "Sam just died Charlie. Cant i have some time to just..."

"I get it Dean. I'm not trying to push anything but a conversation on you."

"Well we tried that...it didn't really go so well."

"You fought?"

"Something like that." He could hear the guilt in his own voice and winced.

"Oh my god." Charlie's voice lowered. "You didn't." There was shock laced in each syllable.

"I'm not talking about this."

"HOLY FUCK YOU DID!" Charlie wasn't trying to be quiet anymore and Dean almost jumped out of his seat.

"Charlie! Chill will you?" Dean urged her through the phone. "We didn't have sex. But..."

"You got down and dirty?" Charlie pressed.

Dean let out an unamused huff of laughter. "You could say that."

"So what does that mean? Are you guys together?"

"No." Dean was shaking his head so hard he thought Charlie could probably hear the breeze against he phone. "No, it was a stupid mistake. We haven't even talked since then."

"What?" She sounded miffed. "Dean...Cas isn't answering my calls. I haven't seen him since the hospital...i don't think he needs you messing with him like that."

"Charlie!" Dean was shocked by her scolding tone. "Who's friend are you?"

"I'm both of your friends Dean. You know i love you, but i care about Cas too. I just want you two to be happy."

"I know." Dean sighed and fell back against the couch again. "I just cant...not right now."

Charlie didn't say anything for a few seconds and Dean looked at his phone to see if the connection had been cut off. When she finally spoke, her voice was soft and lighter than he expected.

"I understand Dean, just remember you aren't the only one hurting right now. And there is someone else out there who is going through something remarkably similar. It might be worth looking into."

Dean smirked. "Subtle."

"You know me." He could hear her smiling.

"I do." Dean let out a satisfied breath. "Thanks Charlie."

"You bet."

They hung up and Dean resigned himself to staring up at the ceiling until his stomach growled loud enough to force him to get up and eat.

/

It was like all the air was sucked from the room as Dean watched Castiel walk up to Bobby's house. He saw his car approaching from the window upstairs where he was currently trying his best not to tear the buttons off his shirt as he fumbled with them. His sister Anna, was trailing behind him slightly, and Dean noticed how her eyes stayed fixed on her little brother's form walking in front of her.

As they disappeared from sight and into the house, Dean felt his heart hammering against his chest. He had dodged Cas' calls, and left his texts mostly unanswered. There had been one last night confirming the time of the memorial service and Dean had replied with a simple, Yes.

He heard Ellen fretting over the state of Castiel's hair and felt his lips curling into a smile he had no intention of squashing since he was alone. There were times he was sure Sam could see him, was watching him from whatever world or dimension he had moved on to, but there were others he felt Sam had better things to do in his possible afterlife than to stalk his big brother.

One smile for the apparent unrest of Cas' tresses wasn't going to hurt anyone.

He had thought a lot about their situation the night before. Letting his guard down as he slept in the bed Castiel had slept in months ago. He tried to pinpoint exactly what it was he was feeling about their relationship, and he eventually landed on fear.

He was afraid.

Afraid that Cas could no longer love him the way he had before. Before Sam's death turned their already tainted love into something so much worse. Before Dean abused his body, using him like a scratching post, and releasing all of his anger and guilt onto Cas' stomach.

How could Cas love him after that? How could he still love Cas?

Cas had made the same choices, he was just as responsible as Dean was for everything that had happened. Could he forgive that? If he did, what did that say about him?

Everything with Cas had been so consuming, right from the start, and Dean didn't trust himself anymore. He didn't know if he could come up with the right thing to do if he didn't go into his conversation with Cas with his mind made up.

There were times he let himself think about what a life with Cas would look like, but almost as soon as the images curled into the soft yellow glows of happy thoughts, he shut them off.

That was his other fear.

What would Sam say? What if Sam really could see? What if Sam was screaming at him to stop, begging him not to do this?

It had happened the night before, while he wrapped himself up in the blanket that had once housed Cas. He found his thoughts floating to the sharp edges of his hips, the strong line of his jaw, and Dean was drifting. He was falling into a beautiful dream where Cas and he owned a house on the lake, with a dock they would lay on side by side, listening to the water splash against the wooden posts.

And then there was Sam, pushing his way through his dream and pulling him back to reality.

That's when he knew. That's when he realized it would never work between him and Cas. He couldn't even imagine a life without feeling guilty, how could he live one?

He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the difficult day ahead, before leaving the bedroom and heading down the stairs.

/

It was a simple ceremony.

About fifty people showed up to Bobby's house that day. They had set up folding chairs outback, facing the forest and a nice view of the mountains in the distance. People took turns saying things about Sam, and Dean laughed as much as he cried. He waited for Cas to get up and say something, but he never did. He sat on the other side of Charlie in the front row, so he couldn't see him during the ceremony, but got a good look at him when Dean got up to speak.

He shuffled forward as Bobby left the front of the group, wiping a tear away after he wrapped up his own words. He turned to face everyone and was immediately overwhelmed by the emotional faces that stared back at him.

So many people had loved Sam. So many people had been affected by his life and death. As his traveled over the people standing behind the chairs, and moved forward, he found his heart rate quickening the closer they got to Cas. When they finally settled on his watery blues, Dean took in a shaky breath and began to speak.

"Sam was my little brother. After our parents died, I raised him the best way i knew how. Bobby and Ellen were damn good role models, and i did my best to do right by him. I cant say i was always successful, but i can say that boy never asked for anything. He was just as happy with a can of green beans and a bag of popcorn for dinner as he was for anything else." He heard a few lighthearted chuckles and pulled his eyes across the crowd for a beat before turning his gaze back to Cas. He was staring back at him thoughtfully, eyes bloodshot but attentive. Dean didn't really mean to go to him, but it was the only place he felt comfortable enough to stay.

"Sam was so damn smart, he sailed through school. Him goin' off to law school was never a question. He was too good for the simple life. He was too great." He looked down at his shoes and shook his head. "I wasn't always the best brother...or even the best friend, and for that I'm sorry Sammy. " His eyes went back to Cas' and his lips curled into a sad smile. "But I promise to live a life you'd be proud of." He could feel tears forming but reigned them in. "We'll miss you...I'll miss you."

He nodded and stepped over to where the urn was sitting on a table Ellen had sat out. "Sam had said he wanted his ashes spread somewhere beautiful." He sighed and looked around at the landscape around them. "And this is certainly beautiful but...but I'm not quite ready to let my brother go." He looked over the crowd and smiled. "I think there is somewhere even better for Sam."

With the nods and smiles he received from everyone in front of him, Dean finally let a single tear fall down his cheek.

/

This was the part Dean was dreading the most. Having to socialize and eat cheese and crackers and pretend like he wouldn't rather be in a dark corner chugging whiskey like heaven flavored water.

So far he had avoided being along with Cas, usually finding some extremely important reason to talk to the stranger on the other side of the room whenever he approached. He was sure Charlie noticed and was grateful that she didn't give him shit for it.

Things were winding down, and most of the guests were starting to clear out so Dean had figured he would be home free before too long. He realized he was an idiot to trust Charlie though, as soon as he entered the garage to get more beer at her request.

Standing next to a muddy John Deere tractor in a black suit and sky blue tie that brought out his incredibly gorgeous eyes, was Castiel.

Dean hadn't let himself really look at the man's overall appearance that day, concentrating too hard on getting through the day with out having some sort of breakdown. Now that he was staring at him head on, Dean was stunned by the man's beauty, the light from the window's of the garage door pooling around him like a halo.

He cursed Charlie under his breath before attempting to stutter out an excuse to turn back around but Castiel stopped him with just one word, spoken in the soft baritone that made Dean melt.

"Dean."

Dean stilled, frozen in the doorway and fearing this conversation more than any other in his entire life. He took a deep breath and swallowed back the lump in his throat.

"Cas." He answered quietly, taking the three steps down to the garage floor and stepping closer.

"Can we talk?" Castiel spoke up through his lashes, his nervousness pulling at Dean's heart harder than he wanted to admit.

"Uh- there's still things..." Dean trailed off, the look on Cas' face making him stop and come into the moment fully. "Yeah, Cas. We can talk."

"Walk with me?" Castiel asked.

"Sure." Dean turned and pressed the garage door opener. The harsh sound of its movement distracted him from his pummeling thoughts. He didn't think he was ready yet, to have this conversation, to make sense of everything, but he knew he owed it to Cas to at least try.

Castiel turned out of the garage and began walking towards the path they had run together over Thanksgiving. Dean fell in step next to him, their strides and pace matched and steady. They walked leisurely, neither of them eager to start speaking.

They were past the line of trees that curved over the path at the forests entrance before Dean broke the silence.

"It was nice of your sister to come." His eyes were on the branches above them, the stark differences between the deep green leaves and crystal blue sky captivating him.

"Yes." Castiel placed his hands in his pockets as they continued to walk. "I told her it wasn't necessary, but she insisted."

"That's a good sister." He smiled.

"Yes, Anna has always been the best of us." Castiel wore a half-smile in return as he looked over to meet Dean's eyes.

Silence fell again and Dean felt like he was going to explode with all the things that needed to be said. He searched for the right way to start but ended up making a joke instead. "You aren't bringing me out here to kill me are you?" He knew his smile wasn't genuine, but couldn't fix it.

Castiel sighed and shook his head. "That would be easier than what I had planned i think."

Dean let out a small laugh and nodded. "You're probably right."

Cas stopped suddenly and reached out to stop Dean, turning to face him. "Dean I'm sorry."

Dean's brow furrowed, and he shook his head slightly. "No, Cas- I'm the one..." His hand found his chest in an accusatory gesture. "I shouldn't have...I'm sorry Cas."

"You definitely weren't alone Dean. We both acted...rashly." His eyes fluttered to the ground, and Dean saw blush creep across Cas' cheeks.

"I think that's a bit of an understatement." Dean smiled, hoping to ease Cas' uncomfortableness.

His mild tone pulled Cas back to him and their eyes were locked a moment later.

Cas took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Dean, i wanted to talk to you...not just to apologize...but to figure out where it is we stand."

Dean nodded but didn't speak.

"I know the circumstances aren't favorable, or even remotely pleasant, but that doesn't change how i feel about you." He held Dean's eyes until the very end, when they shifted to Dean's lips.

Dean could feel the heat from Castiel's eyes on him and flicked his tongue out unconsciously to wet his lips. When he spoke, his words were a broken whisper. "Cas, i still...you know i still do too." He shook his head softly. "But last night, i was trying to picture being with you. You know, really being with you...a lifetime with you." He saw the hopeful look in Cas' eyes and couldn't hold his gaze anymore. Dean closed his eyes and looked down. "I couldn't do it for more than a few seconds at a time before Sam pops up and everything goes to shit."

When he looked up he expected to see hurt in Castiel's eyes, but he only found a comfortable understanding waiting for him. "I know Dean, I experience the same unfortunate ending anytime i think of you as well." He took a step forward, placing a hand on Dean's cheek. Dean's heart stuttered at the movement, his skin came to life under Cas' fingers. "But we can get through that together. The guilt, the sadness, all of it. We can lean on each other." There was a small smile on his mouth that Dean was anxious to press his lips against.

What Castiel was saying made sense, but Dean knew it wouldn't be that easy. They couldn't just begin a life together, they couldn't forget everything that had happened, everything that had to happen to get them there. Would they ever truly be happy if the guilt was constantly tearing them down?

"Cas," Dean trailed his hand up Cas' forearm and wrapped lightly around the wrist next to his face. "You know it wouldn't be that easy."

"I know." Cas took another step forward, so that they were merely inches apart. "But isn't it worth a try? Can you honestly say you'd be willing to give this up?"

Dean sighed. He didn't know what to say. He knew what he should do, he had known that for some time now. Castiel was never his to take, despite every bone in his body, every pulse of his heart telling him otherwise.

He wanted to do right by Sammy though, something he didn't do when his little brother was alive. He wanted Sam to be proud of him, he wanted to live up to the man Sam thought him to be.

"I think I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least try to do this the right way Cas." Dean whispered. "I think that no matter how much i love you, I have to love Sam more."

Castiel was shaking his head. "Sam is gone Dean. Sam-"

"I still feel him Cas. I feel like he is watching us...I cant-" Dean gently pulled Castiel's wrist back so that his hand left Dean's face. Castiel's hand dropped to his side and Dean felt like he was suddenly flailing in open waters. "I can't shake this feeling that he is looking at us right now and just...I want to do the right thing here Cas."

"Why do you think not being together is the right thing? Has being apart ever felt right to you Dean?" Castiel argued, his voice quiet but his tone strained.

"Its not that simple Cas, you know that."

"I know that it isn't, but that doesn't mean it always has to be that way. With time-"

"Maybe you're right...maybe with time things will uncomplicate themselves and i wont think of Sam every time i think about being with you. Maybe Cas." He tried to sound firm, but knew his words were shaking with doubt. "But that's not right now."

"So...what? You just want to put me on ice and thaw me out when you're ready?" His tone was quickly edging towards anger and Dean readied himself to stay calm.

"No Cas, that's not what I'm saying...i'm just saying that right now I cant give you what you want." Dean kept his voice steady this time.

"Not cant, Dean, wont. You are choosing not to be with me." Castiel took a step back, his eyes wide and betrayed.

"Its not like I am really making a choice Cas. This is just the way it has to be right now. There's no way we could have a functional relationship after all the shit that's gone down, not now at least."

"Not now. So what? I just wait for you to call me one day and tell me you want to give it a shot?" Castiel said bitterly, his hands on his hips.

"I'm not saying that Cas. I'm saying we should try to live our lives separately for awhile...see where that takes us."

"Is that really what you want?"

Dean couldn't answer that truthfully because of course it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to rush forward and kiss every tear that threatened to spill down Cas' cheeks. He wanted nothing more than to be cast away with him, just two of them, forever.

But that's not what he needed the most right now. What he needed most was to be the kind of man his brother would have been proud of. He needed to do what was right for once.

"Its not about what i want Cas." He stepped forward. "If i believed i could have what i wanted...this conversation would have gone a lot differently."

"Don't. Don't do that, don't lay out exceptions like that." Castiel raised his hands up. "What the hell am i supposed to do? Sam was everything to me until you came into my life. Then you...you wrecked me. You destroyed pieces of me in ways that I will never get back. And now Sam is gone...and you want to leave too? Dean-"

"I'm not going anywhere Cas." Dean stepped closer and put his hand on Cas' bicep. "You know if you need me i'm here."

"As my friend right?" Castiel's bitter tone cut through Dean and he found himself wincing.

"No Cas. I told you before, I can never be your friend." His voice was a whisper.

"So what then? If we aren't going to be together...and we aren't going to be friends...what the hell are we then? What do I have left?" Castiel's voice shook, his lips pulling down into a sad frown.

"We'll figure it out." Dean urged.

Castiel just stared at him. His lips pressed together in a hard line, his eyes suddenly cold.

"No Dean. You're right." Castiel's voice was steady now, but nearly emotionless aside from the slight tremble in his words. "I don't want to be your friend either. And if you don't want me now, I don't see how you could ever want me in the future. Time will only rip us farther apart, not bring us together."

Dean was shaking his head but Castiel was pulling his face towards his in a fast but gentle motion that left his head spinning.

Castiel kissed him. It was a kiss he would take with him for the rest of his life, Dean knew, and let himself give into it. It was soft but purposeful, their lips moving slowly against one another for too short a time before Cas pulled back to look at him. "I wanted to do that once more, if I am to let you go forever."

"Cas, this doesn't have to be fore-" Dean whispered, his breath tickling Cas' lips as the younger man leaned back in to place another soft kiss against his lips.

When he pulled back again, Dean kept his eyes closed, not wanting to let go yet. Their foreheads were pressed together for a moment before Dean pulled Cas into a hug, clinging to him with everything he had.

Castiel's lips grazed his ear when he whispered. "Don't make promises you cant keep."

/

Dean was running. His feet were loud on the pavement, racing past car after car, person after person as he sprinted towards the familiar building. His legs shook under the exertion, but he pushed faster, harder. His lungs were on fire, his vision blurry.

He needed to get there. He had to get to him.

The doors slid open too slowly and he nearly ran through the glass. He was being told to calm down, and he wanted to laugh at the impossibility. He couldn't feel his chest anymore, it was numb from the beating his heart had given it.

He was shouting again, screaming into an innocent face that told him to wait.

He coudlnt wait. He wouldnt wait.

He ran.


	24. TRIGGER WARNING FOR NEXT CHAPTER

TRIGGER WARNING for next chapter

Suicide Attempt in next chapter.

PM if you'd like to skip it and ill send you a summary without details so you can stay up to date with the story.


	25. Say Something

_December 29th 2010_

 _I am being punished._

 _Its the only explanation. I deserve this._

 _He's gone and I'm destroyed. A completely wasted life. He wasted it all on me._

 _Were his last thoughts of me?_

 _Probably._

 _I don't deserve them. I didn't deserve him, i never did._

 _No matter what I do, no matter where i go, i will take this with me._

 _I will take him with me._

/

 _December 30th_

 _I am holding myself together just enough to make it through the memorial service tomorrow. Every moment I am not crying or thinking over the horrible mistake Dean and I made, is a moment i claim victory._

 _Once Dean and I talk about this, once i tell him how sorry i am, things can move forward. I know- despite what happened, that Dean cares for me. I know i should probably let him go, let him find a less complicated life where we aren't constantly ripped apart by guilt anytime we indulge in each other's company, but i'm not that good a man. I never have been. I've never been selfless like Dean. I've always wanted and then taken._

 _As much as i'd like to believe that Sam made me into a better man, the truth is that i am no better now than i ever was. I don't deserve Dean anymore than i deserved Sam. I no longer question that aspect of myself. It is the truth. I think i have proven over and over why i don't deserve anyone good._

 _Look what i did to Sam. I killed him._

 _I wish i could say that i planned to walk away from Dean to save him from me...but i can not. I will not. If he will take me, I will be his._

 _/_

 _December 31st_

 _He doesn't want me._

/

Castiel had left Dean standing in the woods and found Anna in Bobby's house to drive him home. He had played his part well, the put together dumpee who refused to beg and plead for his lover to love him return. He wasn't really above such actions, but knew going into it that, ultimately, Dean's decision was the end of it.

They couldn't be together, despite how eagerly he would have let it happen. That fact only contributed to his self-loathing. He was willing to move past the pain of losing Sam, of killing Sam, to be with Dean. But Dean, being the good man he was, was unwilling to do so. It said a lot about Dean, and even more about Castiel.

He walked away with his head deceptively high. He told himself to walk slowly, keep his pace even and steady. By the time he made it to Anna, he knew he was shaking and nearly blind with the weight of what had just happened, but did his best to curl his lips into a strained smile as he pulled Anna from a conversation with Charlie. He let Ellen hug him goodbye and he felt like he was going to die from the crush of her affection, curbing every impulse to push her away.

Once they were inside the car, Castiel let himself fall. If it were anyone besides Anna in the car next to him, he thought maybe the change in his demeanor would be indistinguishable. However the moment his eyes glassed over and his shoulders sank to their lowest point, Anna was right there, putting her hand out tentatively to gauge Castiel's response to touch.

"Castiel?" She stared at him, called his name again, but Castiel did not answer.

This wasn't the first time he had closed himself off from the world, collecting all of his thoughts, and casting them out of the blackened heap that had become his soul.

"Castiel, please." Anna urged, taking her hand and bringing it to his shoulder.

As her fingers grazed his collar bone, Castiel came back just enough to speak. "I want to go home."

Anna stared at him for another minute before nodding and beginning their drive back to the apartment he had shared with Sam.

/

He didn't see the point in writing anything down anymore. He attempted to write in his journal at Anna's urging the night of Sam's memorial's service, but there was only one thing his brain repeated.

Over and over. Like a mantra intent on obliterating him.

By the time he thought to start drinking, Castiel was well past the point of calm acceptance of his fate. He began working through the stash of liquor they had in the apartment, paying special attention to Sam's stock of exotic Rum's and pouring them in a glass instead of drinking it straight from the bottle like he had the others.

If Anna disapproved, she did so silently and Castiel was grateful.

He didn't want to hear her words of wisdom or her thoughts on anything that weren't how to erase his life completely.

Castiel laid upside down on the bed he shared with Sam, his feet propped on the wall above the headboard and his head resting on a stack of books Sam had left on the bed over a week earlier. Cas hadn't moved them, hadn't even slept in the bed since Sam's accident, opting to sleep on the couch when he could actually bring himself to close his eyes long enough to fall.

It was there, sipping out of a bottle of bargain shelf gin that Castiel realized there wasn't a point to this anymore.

To this moment, to this life.

He stared at the dark brown headboard and its stark contrast to the apartment white walls, and saw in black and white.

Before Sam, he had been complacent in life. He went from journal to journal, lover to lover, but knew he was moving towards something. He knew he was being pulled to a life worth living and Castiel was desperate for it.

When he met Sam, he believed he had found it, the life he was intended for, the person who would make him feel whole.

But he was wrong. Sam wasn't the destination, but the highway on his path to Dean.

Dean was it. Dean was everything. Finding Dean was the point.

He had done that. He found him.

And lost him.

So now what?

Nothing.

Castiel stared at his wall and pondered nonexistence.

If Dean was the point of his life, and he couldn't have him, what was the point in living?

/

"I have held my tongue for days Castiel." Anna's voice was soft in his ear, but he could hear her concern. "When you can manage, I think its time for us to have a conversation."

He was laying on the bathroom floor. The cold tile indenting the skin on his face after spending the night passed out in his own drunken mess. He let out a grunt of discontent before rolling on to his back. There was the unpleasant sensation of coarse fabric rubbing against bare skin and Castiel looked down to see a bath towel draped over his waist. Looking up at his sister, Castiel could see a range of emotions but couldn't bring himself to care.

His eyebrows rose in an invitation and Anna shook her head. "I will wait for you in the living room." She stood up, throwing him a damp towel before leaving. "Clean your face."

Castiel huffed in annoyance because his body felt like that was something he should do, but he didn't actually care about Anna's request.

Dean didn't want him.

He didn't care about anything anymore.

His back screamed at him as Castiel pulled himself up to standing, letting the towel fall to the floor. He was naked which meant Anna had put the towel on him when she found him, something that would have embarrassed him before but not now. He moved over to the sink, and leaned against the counter. He looked up to the mirror to inspect the crusted vomit he could feel on his face. Unwilling to look at himself for more than seconds at a time, Castiel looked down to the damp towel and brought it up to his face, rubbing roughly a few times before throwing it inside the bathtub.

He didn't bother pulling the towel around him as he left the bathroom and went to his room to find his clothes. They were in a pile at the foot of the bed, something he didn't remember doing, but not giving it much thought. He pulled the stained t-shirt and ripped jeans on before heading out to the living room, bringing the nearly empty bottle of gin with him.

He found Anna sitting on the couch. She was sitting on the edge, patiently perched and waiting for him.

Castiel stopped in front of the couch and turned the bottle up, chugging down a good bit before letting it fall to his side and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

He didn't expect Anna to react, and she didn't. She just stared up at him with a blank expression and waited for him to sit. He did.

Once he was sitting next to her, Anna turned her body to face him more fully. Her hands were folded in her lap and completely still.

"Castiel, your behavior is very troubling." She began. "I understand that you loved Sam dearly, and that you were hoping for a better outcome for your relationship with Dean-"

"A better outcome?" Castiel let out a bitter laugh. "I would have settled for a decent fuck against one of the trees."

Anna wouldn't give him the satisfaction of reacting the way he had hoped, and and kept her face emotionless.

"Nonetheless," She continued. "You are drinking excessively. Your friend Charlie was here last night and you were too intoxicated to even greet her."

Castiel's ambivalent expression faltered slightly. "Charlie was here?"

"Yes. She wanted to check on you. She seems to care about you a great deal."

"Her mistake." Castiel said shortly, taking another sip of the gin.

His mind wandered to their conversation in the hospital, when he took her inside of Sam's room for the first time. After she had kissed Sam's forehead and let her tears fall for him, Charlie had turned to Castiel and told him it wasn't his fault. She told him that no matter what happens, Sam's accident wasn't his or Dean's fault. She had pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheek.

Castiel wanted to believe her, he even played around with it for awhile before discarding it completely. He knew the truth. He knew what he was, Charlie had only seen portions of him, never seeing the true man beneath his skin.

Anna shook her head and looked down at her hands. She didn't speak for a long moment and Castiel was nearly asleep before her voice brought him back to their conversation.

"For as long as I can remember Castiel, you have been driven by the notion of the perfect life. I suspect it is because our mother treated you so poorly, and that you are seeking solace in the arms of someone you believe capable of taking away that pain."

Castiel just stared at her, his face blank and hiding his rising contempt.

"I think you should go see your therapist tomorrow. When was the last time you saw him?"

"Not that long ago." It wasn't really a lie, depending on how she wanted to measure time.

"You should call for an emergency appointment." Anna said firmly.

"No." He replied calmly.

"Cast-"

"No Anna." Castiel repeated.

She took in a long breath. "Very well. Then I will tell you what your therapist should have told you months ago." She reached out and pulled Castiel's hand into hers, holding it tight enough so he wouldn't put in the effort of pulling it back. "You can not live your life for someone else Castiel. Your world should not consist solely of one persons love."

"It doesn't. Dean doesn't want me."

"And look at you." She motioned to his current disheveled appearance. "You are helpless."

"Thank you." He said emotionless.

"Seriously Castiel, you must find your own way...your own life. Basing your entire happiness on one person, and whether or not you can be with them, is extremely unhealthy." She shook her head and looked down at their molded hands. "I've always known you don't think well of yourself, but i thought after you met Sam and committed to him, that you would begin to focus on yourself a little more."

"Why the fuck would i do that?" He gave her a confused grimace. "I don't want to look any harder at myself than i have to."

"That's my point precisely. Do you think its normal that you feel you have no reason to live now that one man doesn't want to be with you? Do you think its common for people to not be able to look at themselves in the mirror?" She swallowed hard and leaned closer to him. "Heartbreak happens Castiel. But you have to love yourself, trust yourself enough to grieve and move on. Make a life for yourself, live everyday for you...not someone else. You cant find true love and happiness in someone else, until you find it within yourself first."

"Love myself? Anna-" Castiel ripped his hand out of hers. "That's bullshit. I didn't need to love myself in order to love Sam or Dean, in fact loving Sam made me hate myself less."

"I suspect your love for Sam was never the kind of love you hold for Dean. I think your love for him was more similar to friendship or even familial, and your uninhibited sexuality made it easy for you to include sex into the relationship, but that doesn't mean you were truly compatible mates."

Castiel just stared at her. He knew she was right, he knew his love for Sam was always more innocent than it should have been, but was never willing to look further into that fact. It wasn't until he fell for Dean that he really allowed himself to realize it. He stood up abruptly.

"I don't want to talk about Sam, Anna." He turned to leave, taking a large swig of gin as he did.

"Castiel wait, please." Anna stood and turned him back around to face her. "You cant keep going this way. You must start taking care of yourself and let Dean go."

He didn't say anything. She didn't understand what he was going through, she never loved anyone the way he loved Dean, he wasn't even sure if she had ever really been in love before. She didn't know what it felt like to feel like half of your soul was ripped from your body and be left with nothing but a seeping hole in your chest. She didn't know what it was to feel like you're dying every moment you're not looking into the deepest green eyes in existence. She knew nothing of his pain, of the crashing waves of his despair.

He turned away from her without a word and went into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. The bed sunk under his weight as he flopped down on it, taking another sip of his liquid poison. He was nearly drunk again, and felt his head begin to spin. Shaking it off, his body moved towards his cell phone on his nightstand. Without thinking, he picked it up and dialed Dean.

Castiel wasn't convinced Dean understood what he had done, letting Castiel go that way. The alchol had erased any shreds of pride he still clung to and Castiel was ready to go all in.

Did Dean know Castiel was falling apart without him? That he would do anything if it meant he could be with him right then?

Didn't he realize they were supposed to be forever?

The gin clouded his mind into forgetting all the reasons he shouldn't leave the message Dean's voicemail requested, and words began tumbling from his mouth in drunken intervals.

"Dean...I-I miss you." He sighed and let his body fall onto his bed. "I miss you and i cant do this. I know it looked like i could...i know i seemed to take it well, but it was a lie. I am a liar. A dirty fucking liar." His tone was a desperate plea and he didn't even try to hide it. "I love you. I love you so much i cant breath, i cant fucking breath without you Dean."

He shook his head at how pathetic he sounded and stayed silent for a long minute. When he finally spoke again, his voice was much calmer, detached even.

"Do you look up at the stars often Dean? I do...I look up and i see millions of reasons we should be together. I see countless bodies of fire and ice and all of them shine for us Dean. I know it, I know it in my soul...we are made of them- the stars...you know that? They are inside of us...burning bright and hot. Like you...like us. The stars are forever Dean...we are forever...don't you see? don't-"

An automated voice told him his voicemail had reached the time limit and Castiel let it fall beside his head on the bed. He didn't care if he sounded insane on the message, he knew Dean would understand. He would understand because he is apart of him, they are but two pieces of a whole. There was only one reason Castiel was on this earth, and it was to love Dean. To be loved by Dean.

If he couldn't have that...if his purpose was hopeless-

His phone buzzed next to his ear and Castiel pressed accept without looking at the screen.

"You know that don't you?" Castiel spoke softly, his mind still working and not giving Dean a chance to catch up.

"Cas." Dean's voice was quiet and hoarse. "I know i said i would be here for you but...you cant do this man."

"Do what?"

"Call and leave me messages like that. That's not how this is supposed to go."

Castiel kept his voice even, "You're right. This isn't how things are supposed to be. I shouldn't be laying here alone...I am supposed to be with you."

"Cas. Please." Dean was whispering into the phone and Castiel closed his eyes to picture him. "don't make this harder."

"Dean-"

"I have to go."

Castiel felt like he had been shot, his body lurched up quickly. "No- please Dean don't go yet. I'm sorry- I just-" He was frantic all of the sudden, his mind racing towards the unattainable. "Just let me-"

"I can't Cas...I just can't." He could hear the shake in Dean's voice and it comforted him momentarily until he heard the click.

"Dean?!" Castiel yelled into his phone, taking it back to look at the screen. It confirmed their terminated call and Castiel's fingers moved to the redial button. He listened as the long drawn out tone of Dean's phone ringing buzzed in his ear.

No answer.

Redial.

No answer.

Redial.

Straight to voicemail.

"No!"

Castiel felt the dam he had created, the block he made to protect his mind from the assault of his emotional damage, crumble all around him as he stared down at the phone in his hand. His heart was hammering silent screams and his body was shaking with the incoming breakdown.

That was it. It was over. Dean wasn't there, wouldn't ever be there. He was done.

Castiel felt himself spiraling, falling deeper and deeper into the empty void that once held all of his hope. Every shred of his will to survive a life without Dean was left in tattered remains at his feet.

His feet made a decision for him, as he moved like mud to Sam's bedside table. The bottle of gin sloshed in his hand and reminded him of its presence. He took a long drink as he pulled open the drawer and stared down at its contents. His hand moved towards the small orange bottle, his thumb fondling over the edge of the cap before popping it off entirely. He didn't think, didn't even really move of his own volition, the bottle just tipped towards his mouth and Castiel let it fall open, and accepted its contents.

Sam's sleep aids were acrid on his tongue and Castiel chased them down with multiple chugs of gin. He didn't even realize what had just happened until the empty bottle slipped out of his hand and fell to the floor. He trudged back to the bed where his phone still laid and climbed on top. He pulled the phone to his ear once more after pressing redial for the last time.

"This is Dean, leave a message and I'll get back to you."

Castiel smiled. It was the last time he would hear Dean's voice, and it sounded like he might have been laughing right before he recorded the message.

He wished he could hear him laugh now.

The phone beeped to signal he should begin speaking, and it took more effort than he expected for his mouth to open and form the words he wanted to get out.

"I'm so sorry Dean." He whispered. "I shouldn't have said those things...you were right...about everything. You deserve so much more than...this. I want you to know that...i want you to know how beautiful you are...how much you changed me...moved me. You need to know that this wasn't your fault...but merely a consequence of the life i have led. I'm so sorry to do this...but i can't...i don't want to do this alone...i don't want to live alone."

His vision was getting blurry, his words slurring slightly and Castiel struggled to remember what it was he was doing, what he wanted to say. "I know i've told you i loved you. I know that. But its not enough...its never been enough to...I did love Sam. I did...I'm so sorry i killed your brother Dean. I would trade if i could...but That's not how the story goes. If I see him...I'll try to explain...i'll make him see...make him understand. He loved you. He will always..."

"I don't know how much time i have...i just...I've always been filled up with the wrong things Dean. I've always been...wrong. You made me feel right...you made me...feel. I'm sorry i couldn't make you see...make you understand. I wish...I wish so many things Dean."

He couldn't feel his face anymore. His eyelids too heavy to hold up. His thoughts began to drift, floating through the strange abyss that was his mind.

"Spinning tops Dean...we are just..." His tongue didn't want to work anymore, his words barely making it through his lips. "spinning tops that never fall..."

His hand let the phone fall to the bed and he vaguely heard a robotic woman speaking in his ear.

Castiel knew he should be afraid, but he wasn't. He had lived most of his life not believing in any afterlife, or God. But now, he wanted to believe in a God that would punish him for his choices. He prayed to be sent to hell, to be thrown into the fire pits of the nine circle of hell, where the treacherous are tortured for eternity. Its what he deserved, its what he longed for, to pay his penitence.

His eyes were closed now, too heavy to hold open any longer. A darkness settled over him, pushing and pulling until he felt himself give up and give in.

Castiel began to fall.

/

 _Take me down._

 _Bring me down._

 _Bury me in the ground where my skin can decay and leave the earth more beautiful than it was before_

 _Bring me to hell. Let the fire warm my cold, lifeless heart._

 _Is it still beating? Has my heart stopped?_

 _Can i still breathe?_

 _Yes, I am still breathing._

 _When will that stop?_

 _Let it be soon._

 _Let it be over._

 _It's getting harder to breath...harder to think...my heart...its..._


	26. All I Want

He's running.

He cant feel his body, but he knows it should hurt. He has never run this hard in his life.

The edges of his vision are blurred, like looking through a glass bottle and Dean tries to blink it away. He has no control over his eyelids though and just keeps running.

He skips the nurse running interference this time. He knows where to go. This time he is going to make it.

He is going to make it.

There is a red headed girl standing in front of the wooden door he is desperate to open, her face morphs green and black and is screaming at him to leave. Dean tried to tell her " _no! I wont go! Let me see him! He needs me!_ " But the words wont come and the monstrous girl vanishes into a puff of smoke. The door knob melts as he reaches for it and he watches as the wood bursts into flames.

He can hear Cas calling out for him. He can hear him screaming Dean's name and he is helpless against the roaring flames. He throws himself into them, not feeling but seeing his skin char and burn to black as Cas' screams haunt him.

"Dean!"

He feels hands on his arms, someone is calling his name.

Someone who isn't Cas. Someone closer.

Dean awakens with a start, instantly aware of the sweat pooling around his sheets. His eyes shoot open and he is staring into the eyes of a woman.

"Dean hey," She sighed and pushed the hair from his forehead. "You back?"

Dean swallowed down the vomit he felt pushing upwards and nodded. "Sorry." He mumbled before pulling himself out of his bed and walking to the bathroom.

"Can i get you anything?" She asked before the door to the bathroom shut.

Dean didn't answer.

He leaned against he counter for a moment, staring up at his reflection before turning on the water of the sink and splashing cold water on his face. The shock helped push the dream away, helped bring him back to present day.

It had been four years since Dean ran down the hallways of that hospital, looking for Castiel.

He had turned his phone off that night, not wanting to have to reject anymore calls from Cas, or see any texts he decided to send. He needed a clean break that night. It was obvious how drunk Cas had been, and Dean didn't want to hear things he knew Cas wouldn't say if he had been sober.

By the time he turned his phone back on the next morning, he debated on whether or not to listen to the message waiting for him. He almost deleted it, feeling like it would be a mercy to Cas, but ultimately couldn't do it.

He remembered the sinking feeling his chest got the moment Cas began to speak. His voice dejected and helpless and Dean regretted not answering the phone the night before. Cas had needed him, and he just cut him off. His breathing picked up as the meaning of the voicemail became more and more apparent and Dean was shaking his head and whispering his dissent into the phone as he slipped his shoes on and grabbed his keys.

He made it to Castiel's apartment in ten minutes, racing up the stairs of the building and ready to bust down the door before finding it already open. It wasn't wide open, but cracked and Dean's heart stopped at the implication. As soon as he could get his feet to work, he had burst through the door, yelling Cas' name and searching through the rooms. When he made it to his bedroom with no sign of Cas, Dean felt himself heave at the sight of the empty pill bottle on the floor, the gin bottle overturned on the bed.

Dean's shoulders slumped, his lips trembled, and his hands went to his temples in an attempt to hold himself together. His legs gave him no more than a moment before he was running out the door. His knee screamed at him, begging him to stop and making it almost impossible to hold the sprint but he pushed through. He scrambled inside of his car and floored it to the hospital.

Dean shuddered at the memory, his body working so hard to get him somewhere his heart was terrified to be. A knock on the bathroom door pulled him back to the present and he turned around to open it. "Hey, you alright?"

Her name was Bella, and she made life less boring these days.

They met at The Bunker about two years after Cas had gone. He had hired her after Ash left for the second time and Charlie all but pushed them together. She was fun, in a crazy steal a boat kind of way, and Dean found it easy to forget everything he never wanted to remember when he was around her.

They danced around each other for awhile, flirting shamelessly for a while before falling into bed together one drunken night. They'd been doing that for over a year now. Dean had been clear that they weren't going to be anything more than that, just friends who fucked when they felt like it, and Bella was more than accommodating to that.

He leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss. "Yeah, just a stupid nightmare."

"You were saying his name again." She said with a kind smile. "A girl could get jealous."

He huffed a fake laugh and rolled his eyes. "Funny."

"Water?" Her eyes had more concern in them than Dean would have liked, and he considered telling her had to get up early and that maybe she should head back to her place, but knew it would be a real dick move.

"I'm good. Just go back to bed." He smiled softly and hoped it made it to his eyes.

She just nodded and turned away, leaving him alone in the doorway. He heard the springs adjust to her weight and let out a loud sigh. His body slumped against the door frame.

At first, Dean was dreaming about Cas almost every night. But after four years, he was down to once or twice a month. It sometimes took him an hour or two to come back down from his dreams, their intensity dragging him back to the emotional turmoil of that time in his life.

Losing Sam. Losing Cas. Everything falling apart around him. He was grateful so much time had passed since then.

Time that was used to heal and move on, as much as he possibly could.

/

"Jeffrey, I can tell you spent more time playing Mario Kart than you did practicing." Dean smirked down at the teenaged boy sitting in the chair with the oversized guitar in his lap.

"I know, I know Dean. But Lewis came over and i really didn't have time after that."

"Hey man, its your choice. You're the one who begged Charlie to get me to give you lessons so you could impress that chick, if you don't want to do this thing I'm happy to be spending my Monday afternoons elsewhere thank you very much." His tone was light and there was smile on his face, but he knew he was getting his point across.

"No- I mean yes i do want to learn. I'm sorry Dean." Jeffrey looked down at the strings and strummed a few chords that didn't make Dean wince.

"Better." He nodded and played a simple chord progression for Jeffrey to mimic.

He had begun giving lessons to the pimply faced teen after Charlie begged him and bribed him with booze. Jeffrey was her girlfriend's little brother, and Dean ended up actually enjoying his sessions with the kid. He didn't realize how much he would like teaching, and he found it incredibly relaxing.

Charlie had been dating Gilda for a little over three years now, and Dean was waiting for the call to tell him they were getting hitched. He smiled at the thought, wondering if she would ask him to be her best man.

Jeffrey's fingers fumbled over the strings and Dean stood up to help him with his placement. "There you go, try that instead."

The teen did as he was told and was rewarded with a slap on the back. "That's it. Awesome man." Dean smiled down at him. "That girl is going to be eating out of your hand."

Jeffrey blushed and Dean smiled casually. "Alright, That's about it for today. You going to practice this week?" He looked down at him skeptically.

"Yeah, I promise." He nodded and stood up, heading over to the case his guitar would be stowed in.

"Any idea when your sister and Charlie will be getting back?" Dean asked, putting his own guitar away. "She keeps texting me random pictures from their trip but i never get a straight answer out of her on when she plans on coming back."

Jeffrey laughed. "Yeah same here. Yesterday Gilda sent me one of a wedding at the top of the Statue of Liberty."

"That's pretty awesome." Dean latched his case shut and headed towards the front door of Jeffrey's house.

"Yeah, but no. I don't know when they're coming back. I know she plans to be here by next Thursday." There was another rush of red on his cheeks and Dean smirked.

"That's right, the talent show at your school." He smiled wide. "You're going to kick ass man."

Jeffrey grinned proudly. "Thanks Dean."

"No problem man." Dean opened the front door. "But you better practice this week, or there will be hell to pay." He pointed back at the boy as he exited the house.

"Yeah, yeah." Jeffrey rolled his eyes and waved him off. "Bye Dean."

"Later kid!" He walked down the driveway to where his baby was waiting for him and stashed his guitar in the trunk.

His smile was wide and easy as he drove to The Bunker for his shift.

He didn't think he would, but Dean really loved teaching kids to play the guitar. It started out as a favor to Charlie, but Jeffrey had told a few of his friends how much he liked learning from Dean and he had a few more parents calling him for lessons. He was thinking about maybe going all out with it, setting up a real business, but hadn't gotten the courage to really go for it yet. There was always a part of him that worried he wasn't really qualified to be hanging around such impressionable youth, but Charlie shut that excuse down pretty quickly. She even offered to help him make business cards and send out flyers to advertise.

After his lesson with Jeffrey today, he was pretty sure he wanted to go for it. He really enjoyed the rush of teaching music. He loved hearing the out of tune pluck of strings turn into beautifully strummed chords, it made him feel accomplished and he the kids were so damn proud of themselves it was impossible not to enjoy it. The money didn't suck either. Most of the parents were pretty well off and he ended up getting a few hundred bucks a week for just a couple hours of his time.

And he could really use the money right now since he and Charlie were planning on opening up a bar of their own. It was something they had joked around about often, but never went beyond stupid dreams of theme nights and masterfully crafted bar tops with their initials carved in it. He remembered the first time he imagined pulling out his pocket knife and engraving a _D.W._ into the cherry stained wood, and he saw his hand cutting a _C.N._ as well.

It was a fleeting thought, one of the weak moments his mind drifted to the life that was ripped away from him. It was a year before he stopped planning his life around Castiel, a year before his brain stopped throwing images of them living a domestic life together. After that, he would sometimes get flashes of the memories he had made for them, but did his best to push them away as quickly as they surfaced.

At first, it was pain that did that. He wasn't able to see those things without his heartbreaking all over again. But then that pain morphed into anger. Anger at Castiel, at himself, at everything that made it impossible for them to be together. He would jerk his head to the side and wince when the bluest eyes ever created flashed behind his own green ones. He pushed all thoughts of Castiel violently away, stuffed them as far down as he could manage, and smothered them in meaningless sex and liters of whiskey.

That was how he and Bella ended up sleeping together for the first time. She was just as drunk, and just as game for any and all shenanigans he drove them to. He knew he was being reckless, and childish, but he just wanted to get lost, be someone else. Someone who didn't lose his brother and his soul mate in the same week. Someone who didn't give up on the one thing that made him feel things he didn't even know possible.

He replayed their conversation in the woods over and over in his head that first year. He imagined all the ways it could have gone differently. He imagined picking up the phone that night instead of letting it go to voicemail. He imagined finding Cas and making it right.

It tore him up. That first year with out him was the worst, and darkest time in his life. He didn't just hit rock bottom, but pulled out a pick axe and dug himself a grave beneath it. He almost lost his job multiple times, tried to drive home drunk more times than Charlie could count, and very nearly died of alcohol poisoning.

By the time Dean had pulled himself out of it, with the help of his family and friends, he felt like he had been reborn. He didn't recognize himself anymore, the tragedy of his life scaring him forever, but the peace he found from coming back had calmed his soul significantly. He let go of all the guilt, all the anger, everything that had pulled him into the deepest pits of his personal hell.

It wasn't immediate, but overtime Dean began to like life again.

He still missed his brother and Cas everyday but it didn't hurt to think of them anymore. Except of course when he woke up soaked in sweat and gasping from the nightmares. Those still plagued him consistently enough that they just became another aspect of his life, and Dean had gotten used to them. It was almost as if his body was trying to remind him of something, with the nightmares, and he had given up on trying to get rid of them.

Dean figured it was just part of losing the person you were supposed to be with, that your mind and body would do your best to push you together, in whatever way possible. It wasn't a concept he accepted at first, in fact when Charlie brought up the possibility of Castiel being his soul mate he balked rather dramatically. But after many drunken conversations, including one where he ended up telling Ellen everything as well, Dean found himself warming to the idea. It would certainly explain a lot.

The way Dean felt about Cas had always been out of his control, always mind bending and all encompassing. It felt destined from the start. He never really thought about there being a path or pre-mapped out course for people, but after everything that had happened, Dean no longer doubted destiny or fate. He knew Castiel was made for him, and he for Castiel. Of course, he felt bad for diminishing Sam and his role in Cas' life, since Cas was never Dean's to possess in the first place; but it felt wrong not to think of Cas as his. He felt like he was fighting against something that had already been planned for, already happened even.

If his life was a history book he was sure there was large chunks blacked out and replaced by the actual events that occurred, like his existence was re-written and Castiel was ripped from it. That thought tortured him for quite awhile, until he had to let it go.

Cas was his destiny.

And now Cas was gone.

It was a fact that still pulled at him, knowing that the person he was meant to be with was lost to him, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it now. Their circumstances made it so that being together was impossible, and even though it killed him to know there was not a single other person on the planet that could make him as happy as Castiel could, he also knew it didn't mean he was fated to remain unhappy forever. He could still find happiness with someone else, even if it was never as good as it would have been with Castiel.

Dean pulled up to the parking lot across the street from The Bunker and slid his baby between two hybrids. He rolled his eyes at their cheesy paint jobs and patted his girl's hood before locking her up and heading into work.

It would be a good night. It was Monday so he would have the bar to himself and he liked that. He didn't mind sharing the bar with Charlie most of the time, but didn't look forward to working around Bella. They had fun together sure, but mostly he enjoyed being back there by himself and getting lost in the shuffle of making drinks and casual conversation with the regulars.

Being with Bella was never something he envisioned happening over a long period of time, but it just kept happening and neither of them did anything to stop it. She never brought up commitment, and the one time he tried to tell her it wasn't something he was interested in she shut him up with a damn good blow job. He likened their relationship to friends with benefits, although he wasn't really sure he could call her a friend. She was fun to hang out with, and he enjoyed having sex with her, but couldn't really see himself calling her over to veg and watch a movie or anything like that.

Sometimes he had a feeling she was developing real feelings for him, like last night with her concern over his nightmare, and considered ending it. Other times though she was out the door after sex before he even had a chance to clean up, so he kept pushing it off.

He walked into the bar and was greeted by warm smiles and a few playful insults. It was like walking into his second home. He hoped the regulars would follow him to his bar when they managed to finally find a space and come up with a down payment.

He really did love those fuckers.

After Cas was gone, it was the bars best kept secret, never to discuss him. Sam was brought up from time to time after Dean had pulled himself back to life, and he would smile genuinely as they reminisced about his brother. He could tell a story, hear his name, even see pictures of him and not feel like he was going to fall apart. It hurt, of course it hurt, but he had found a kind of peace only torturing yourself for a year could give you.

But Cas, Cas was off limits and everyone knew it without Dean ever saying a word. Even after Dean had come back from his year long bender, the regulars never brought him up. The few times Charlie had dropped his name into a conversation everyone would look at Dean, like they were waiting for him to implode. And the first time he very nearly did, but hoped he managed to hide it well enough before excusing himself to the back alley where he threw up all over the pavement.

Over the years, Castiel was still rarely mentioned at the bar, despite Dean feeling confident in his ability to handle such things. He really had found a comfortable state of being lately, and while it hurt to think of Cas more than a second at a time, he was pretty sure he could handle his name being dropped into casual conversation.

"How was the anniversary Gary?" Dean asked, pulling his apron on as Bella counted her tips.

"Eh, wife wasn't pleased with the eats...but she enjoyed the bracelet you picked out." Gary tipped his beer at him before taking a sip.

"Happy to help." Dean gave him a casual salute and went to the end of the bar to grab an O'Douls for Marvin. "Where did you take her to eat?"

"That mexican place down the street."

"You took you wife out for mexican food on your thirtieth wedding anniversary?" Bella cut in, giving Gary the stink eye. "Good lord, I'm surprised you walked in here with your balls still attached."

"What?" Gary raised his hands up into a shrug. "She likes mexican!"

"Everyone likes mexican Gary." Bella shook her head as Dean chuckled beside her. "But its cheap and gives you the shits. Not exactly romantic."

Dean smiled and nodded. "She has a point man."

"Ugh whatever." Gary finished his beer. "'Nother barkeep."

Dean gave him a reproachful glare.

"Apologies." Gary bent his head down. "Would you be so kind as to get off your fucking ass and get me a goddamn beer. Please."

"Much better." Dean said with a nod before pulling the glass from in front of Gary and filling it up from the tap.

"Alright losers, I'm out." Bella pocketed the cash she had folded over. "Don't have fun without me."

"Never!" Gary yelled as she made her exit. She threw a laugh and wink over her shoulder before leaving. "Have I ever told you how much I hate that you've seen her naked?"

"Yes." Dean snickered. "Couple times."

He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and Dean fished it out. It was a text message and smiled when he saw it was from Charlie.

"Cheating on her already?" Gary asked.

"Cant cheat on someone you're not dating Gary." Dean opened the text message but looked up to Gary. "Its not like that with us."

"Hmph." Gary nodded and sipped more of his beer.

When Dean looked back at his phone's screen, he felt his heart rate picking up. He wasn't sure why, there was nothing but a few words typed out and considering the kind of messages he was receiving from Charlie lately, he should be expecting a picture of Rupaul any second now.

 **Charlie:** _Look who I found...brace yourself._

Something was screaming under his skin and he was terrified as the second text came in. It was a image file, and he had to click on the message to download the picture.

"You okay Dean?" He heard vaguely from across the bar, but he had stopped breathing and couldn't do anything but stare down at the file waiting to be seen. His finger hovered over it for a second before pressing download.

"Seriously man, you look like you're about to pass out." Gary sounded like he was getting up from his chair but Dean didn't look up.

His eyes were fixed on the screen of his phone as an image began to display.

He heard a gasp escape his lips, along with a sound he didn't know how to identify as the picture became picture was dark, and the quality was of the bad camera phone variety, but there was no doubt at who he was looking at.

Castiel was sitting at a table about ten feet away from the camera. Even though the restaurant was dark, Dean could see the brilliance of his blue eyes. They were wide and eager, fine lines dancing around them and his face was as bright as the sun. It took Dean a moment to understand what he was seeing, but when he did, his heart melted all over again.

Cas was laughing.

He was wearing a smile so beautiful, so captivating Dean felt his heart stutter in his chest. The man in the picture looked completely different than the man who floated across his mind from time to time. The smile he wore looked foreign and Dean realized it was because he had never really seen it before. His smile wasn't weighted by guilt or any of the other things that kept Cas from being free.

It was radiate. It was breathtaking.

Dean was shaking, there was a hand on his shoulder, and a voice in his ear that he couldn't understand. He tried to make sense of what this meant, what this picture was telling him, what it could mean for him.

The real memory of that night in the hospital assaulted him then and he remembered begging and pleading with Castiel's sister to let him see him. Dean nearly plowed her over to get into his hospital room, but was stopped and thrown out by a pair of security guards.

He could still hear her telling him it was for the best, that Dean needed to let Castiel go, but Dean refused. When he finally managed to sneak back into the hospital, Cas was gone.

He found out later that Gabriel had paid to have him transferred to a hospital in New York and that was the last he heard.

Of course he tried looking for him for months, even driving up to New York and stalking Cas' brother's comedy club until he was thrown out of it as well. Charlie ended up driving up to get him and dragging him home basically kicking and screaming.

It was the beginning of his downfall, the beginning of the darkest time in his life.

Dean had been plagued with thoughts that Castiel was suffering these last few years, that his attempt on his life was only the beginning of his untimely end. He wanted to save him, he wanted to tell him he loved him and that he was sorry for everything but he couldn't. His phone was disconnected and emails he sent bounced back to him.

He could hear Gary saying something about Cas over his shoulder and knew he could get in a lot of trouble that there was a customer behind the bar, but couldn't process anything but this picture of Cas.

A picture of Castiel laughing from his eyes to his lips.

He was practically glowing.

Castiel Novak was happy.


	27. I Found

_February 3rd 2011_

 _They want me to write everything down again._

 _I don't really see the point but it seems if i ever want to get out of this shit-hole, i will have to comply to their demands._

 _Dr. Hester finally allowed me out of the suicide watch room and into a regular room with a roommate. I think i prefer the tiny room with a cot on the floor to the torture chamber i share with Aze. I think that's his name at least, its very difficult to understand what he says through the accent. He has track marks up his arms and skin like wax paper so I assume he is an addict of some sort. He insists on making sharp implements out of just about anything he can get his hands on and i've been forced to tell the nurse about his behavior repeatedly. I found him pissing on my pillow last night._

 _At least i wasn't laying on it._

 _The nurse is nice. Her name is Meg and I'm pretty sure she likes me. She calls me a variety of nicknames that don't really bother me. Her smile is nice enough to make me forget some of the more painful seconds. She gives me extra computer time sometimes if i eat all of my dinner too._

 _I have group therapy in an hour. I really fucking hate group therapy._

 _Everyone just spouts bullshit the counselor wants to hear, anything to get the hell out of this place. Gabriel insists its the best in the city, and Anna claims its somewhere i can recover psychologically, but I'd rather just fucking die and be done with it._

 _I guess that's why they are making me stay._

 _I miss Dean. I miss his smile, his voice, his goddamn earlobes...everything._

 _Anna says he came to the hospital in Arlington but she turned him away. I told her she was a fucking cunt and to never speak to me again._

 _I guess that's another reason they are making me stay._

 _/_

 _March 12th 2011_

 _Fucking Dean Winchester. With his beautiful face and all that goddamn bravado that no one is stupid enough to believe. Who does he think he is? The master of the universe? The creator of all things good and plenty?_

 _I hate licorice. Its like it wants to be sweet but cant quite manage it and decides to be just fucking disgusting instead. You even likes that shit?_

 _I know who._

 _Dean fucking Winchester._

 _/_

 _March 29th 2011_

 _They changed my meds again._

 _They said i was too hostile._

 _I assume my reaction of flicking my psychiatrist off and telling her to go fuck herself didn't dissuade her point._

 _Gabriel came by this morning and brought me some new clothes since i earned that privilege yesterday. I wanted to scream in Meg's face that it was ridiculous that i had to earn the right to wear my own goddamn clothes, but knew it would only lead to reprimands and being pushed back a level or two in the program._

 _I only have four more levels before i can get out of here. As long as i don't have any more outbursts and continue not trying to kill myself...and perform all the stupid therapy lessons...ill be done in a few weeks._

 _Lucy hasn't come to see me, says its not how she wants to see me after all of these years. I think she is an idiot for ever thinking i'll be anything but this._

 _I would like to meet Claire though._

 _I had a dream about Dean last night. It was different than the usual ones. This time, instead of beating me into the ground as he screamed in my face about killing Sam, he was hugging me. Nothing more...just a long, solid hug._

 _I was crying when i woke up._

 _/_

 _April 3rd 2011_

 _I'm supposed to write him a letter. A letter i don't intend to send but write nonetheless. Its supposed to be cathartic._

 _I don't know what i would say anymore...i don't know anything anymore._

 _I don't want to die. I know that at least. I don't know what i'm living for...but i know i'm not ready to leave._

 _It doesn't mean i'm enthusiastic about the prospect of living my life alone...without Dean...without anyone, but i am almost ready to try._

 _I think the letter idea is stupid though._

 _/_

 _April 10th 2011_

 _Sometimes i think maybe i took those pills, hoping Dean would find me and want to be there for me. He would cradle me in his arms and beg me not to go and tell me how he was never going to leave me...that he loved me._

 _I did want to die. But i wanted him to see it. I wanted him to grieve me...because i am that selfish, i am that horrible._

 _My therapist says that's a breakthrough...that i was able to realize that._

 _I told her that was fucking stupid and any idiot would know i wanted Dean's attention, any way i could get it. Dr. Hester told me breakthroughs happen not because we realize something but because we are willing to admit them to ourselves...and move on._

 _I don't know if i'm ready to move on from this, from Dean._

 _He still holds me, he still owns me. My every thought, my breath, my heart...its all for him. Everything I am, everything i will ever be...its for him._

 _I've been told repeatedly how unhealthy that is, that i should not be defining myself by who i love..or who loves me. Those things should not make up who i am as a person, but only be aspects of who I am._

 _I can at least recognize the sanity in that statement...but i am not able to apply it to my own life. Its too difficult to see past him, and look at myself. He is everywhere, under every crevice of my soul...he is lurking in the darkest corners of my mind. He waits and tortures and embraces and loves...he is me._

 _I am told that is wrong._

 _I do not know how to be right...i never have._

 _/_

 _April 12th 2011_

 _I begin the process of my discharge tomorrow. I need to have a few exit sessions, as well as complete the letter to Dean as a part of my final task of healing...or so they call it._

 _I am moving in with Gabriel when i get out, part of the outpatient program, he has to make sure i don't fall off the proverbial deep end again._

 _I sometimes worry that will happen, but it is not how i feel currently. I feel somewhat embarrassed about the worry i caused my family and friends. Anna told me Charlie tried to get in contact with me a few times, but she wouldn't allow it._

 _I almost called her a cunt again, but realized it was probably for the best. Charlie, while a wonderful friend in her own right, will always be linked to Dean. And if i've learned anything in here, is that my relationship with Dean wasn't entirely healthy. It doesn't mean i don't feel the same as i did before...but only that i recognize the problem. Dr. Hester says its a good first step._

 _I think that's good._

 _Aze was finally moved to the criminal ward after he tied me to my bed and stuffed a sock in my mouth. Thankfully, it was moments before life check and Meg came in just as he was straddling me._

 _Not sure what would have happened if she hadn't come in, and I have decided not to dwell on it. I wasn't really afraid, which tells me i am still not in my right mind, but i see no need to tell anyone that._

 _/_

 _Dear Dean,_

 _I've been told it's necessary that i formally let you go. That in order to heal properly, i need to move on from everything you are...everything you represent._

 _And so this is meant to do that. This letter serves as my goodbye._

 _I am not looking forward to a life without you, but i am told if i try, i still have time to live a good one. I want that Dean._

 _For so long i believed that i wanted someone to love me, that i wanted someone to call my own...to belong to someone._

 _But now i realize, that was only a symptom of what i wanted most._

 _What i want Dean, is to be happy._

 _I cant come up with a time in my life i could describe as unequivocally happy. Even with you, there was too much pain...too much guilt to deem myself happy in your arms...no matter how wonderful it felt._

 _I thought i was pretty close at the beginning with Sam, but looking back i know i was only kidding myself. I was foolish for believing i could find happiness inside of someone else._

 _I must find it in myself._

 _I don't really know how to do that, but i'm told i will find my way._

 _Anna once told me I needed to get out of my own way. I think letting go of you, of us...will do just that._

 _I cant end the letter without telling you i love you._

 _Because no matter how i feel about myself...or about our relationship, that will always be true. I don't love you because i want you or need you, it isn't about me at all. I love you because you are meant to be loved. Maybe you were meant to be loved by me, or maybe that was just a beautiful disaster._

 _I love you because of you, because of the man you are...because of the man you want to be. And i always will._

 _So i am letting you go now. Setting you free to be the man you are destined to be._

 _Always,_

 _Castiel_

 _/_

Castiel had been living with Gabriel for over a month before his first and only relapse. The first few weeks had gone relatively well, seeing Lucy and meeting Claire lifted his spirits more than it thought it would. Claire was clever and quick witted just like Castiel, and they bonded quickly over teasing Gabriel. Lucy was quieter than Castiel remembered, but he found himself easing back into their previously well-bonded relationship as well. They had long conversations over leisurely lunches where Castiel pretended to be whole and Lucy pretended not to notice his facade.

Gabriel had found Lucy a job at a tattoo shop near the comedy club, the owner owing Gabe a favor, and she started sweeping floors and cleaning supplies less than two weeks after she got there. Now, she spent most of her free time sketching her own ideas for tattoos, something Castiel had been incredibly impressed by. Her artistic talent was natural, and she got promoted to one of the artists with in a year of starting there. She earned enough money to find a place for her and Claire and they lived just a few blocks away from the parlor.

Gabriel had done incredibly well for himself, opening his own club and booking popular talent as well as performing himself. Castiel had gone out to see his act the first weekend he was out and barely cracked a smile for the openers, but was very nearly rolling on the floor at Gabe's act. He always knew how to make him laugh.

Once Castiel was settled at Gabe's, Anna had moved back to their mother's house, having heard from one of their neighbors that Naomi wasn't doing well. Apparently her benders were lasting for weeks at a time now and the cops were called often. Anna went back willingly to help get their mother on track, and help her the way she had helped Castiel. Castiel thought she was wasting her time, but wouldn't tell her so.

It had been a month since his release and Castiel was laying on his brother's black leather sofa, staring up at the vaulted ceiling and crown molding along the walls edges when his boredom hit him. Gabe was at the club and Lucy and Claire were back at their apartment after spending the day with Castiel at the aquarium.

He thought about calling them and asking to come over, but realized it was going on ten o'clock, and they were likely already in bed. His mind drifted to what Dean would be doing, if he still worked at the bunker and whether he was thinking of him too. He shook his head quickly then, pushing the thoughts away as far as he could.

He stood up from the couch abruptly and grabbed his keys from the counter. There was a small part of him that told him to just go to bed, that nothing good would come of him going out, but Castiel wanted to do something stupid. Thoughts of Dean always did that.

Fifteen minutes later he found himself sitting at the bar down the street, drinking whiskey and pretending to watch hockey. Ten minutes after that he was accepting a shot from a decently attractive blonde with a handkerchief for a shirt. Twenty minutes later, he was fucking her in the bathroom stall, her legs wrapped around his waist as he pounded into her mercilessly. She took it well, even seemed to enjoy the brutal job his dick was giving her, before he pulled out and came all over her bare stomach.

He did have the decency to hand her some tissues though, before leaving the stall and then the bar altogether.

He wasn't really supposed to be drinking and having sex, something his therapist said would confuse his goals, but Castiel felt like he needed to put that final nail in his and Dean's coffin.

He didn't really feel bad about it afterwards, knowing the sex was more of a symbol than anything else, and let himself forget it almost as soon as his feet his the sidewalk outside of the bar. The drinking however, he continued to do for the rest of the evening, finding a liquor store and bringing most of it home with him. He knew he wasn't supposed to get drunk, but he also knew he needed to get back to something familiar. His therapist kept urging him to begin working on his novel again, and he knew whiskey was his writing sweet spot.

By the time Gabriel had found him later that night he was in front of his laptop, a vomit stain on the carpet next to his chair, and his fingers were working furiously.

"Cas! Seriously? What the fuck?" Gabriel threw his keys onto the side table and shrugged out of his button down shirt. "It smells like a prostitutes bathroom in here man. What the fuck happened? Are you alright? Shit-"

"Shut up Gabriel." Cas said calmly, not looking up from his computer.

"Wha-" Gabriel cut himself off, walking over to stand behind Castiel and avoiding the vomit on the carpet. He looked over his shoulder and saw that Castiel wasn't just typing, but actually writing pretty intently. He almost made a crack about cleaning the floor but held back and just patted his little brother on the back.

Castiel woke up the next morning with his head on his keyboard and a post it note stuck to the screen.

** _That a boy._ **

Castiel looked past the note to his computer screen where he found the final part of his novel typed up. He smiled to himself until he remembered retching the night before and looked down to find nothing but another post it note.

** _Don't say i never did anything for you.**_

His smile returned.

Castiel spent the next four years finding out who he was and what he wanted out of life.

The basics he could skip, he knew what kind of music liked, which movies he preferred to watch, how he took his coffee and all the other small details that made him Castiel, but the big picture stuff needed work.

What did he like about himself? What would he fix? Where did he see himself in ten years?

These were questions his therapist forced him to answer.

It took time, and a lot in reflection but after a couple years, Castiel was able to answer those questions.

Where his answer to what he would like to fix about himself initially was 'everything', now he only had a few things written in that column. He doesn't like that he still needed whiskey to write well, although he consumed much less of it now. He doesn't like how deep his voice is. He doesn't like how he sometimes finds himself slouching and is now developing a persistent lower back pain. His biggest dislike though, is that he doesn't like how often he still thinks of Dean, or how his first instinct is to say something sharp whenever someone mentions him.

He was under the impression that after four years, he would have fallen out of love with the man who had wrecked him so thoroughly years ago, but he hadn't. He still loved Dean as much as the day he had kissed him in the woods after Sam's funeral. The love had transformed though, it no longer haunted him. It wasn't something he felt guilty for anymore, it was just another aspect of who he was. His love for Dean no longer made him Castiel, it was just a piece of his heart, a heart that had learned to love a great many things in the years since he left Dean.

His list of things he liked about himself once only held one line: My dick.

He thought he was being a clever smartass, but Dr. Hester only nodded and told him it was good to be confident in his body. Now, four years later, that list has been added to constantly as part of his ongoing therapy sessions. It included things like: I like that i can cut through the bullshit and see the truth around me, I like that i can make people laugh without really trying, I like that I'm smarter than Gabriel, I like my hair- and its inability to be tamed, I like the way I dress and think more people should take pride in their appearance.

The most recent entry: I like that i don't feel broken

He worked tirelessly with his therapist to build a strong foundation of mental health, finding more and more things he liked about himself and about the world around him.

Through some of Gabriel's contacts, he found an editor willing to take him on and helped Castiel get his novel published. It was something of a sensation, when it was released, people either loved it or hated it and Castiel was pleased it evoked so much emotion.

The novel followed a man on his journey through addiction and the way his relationships changed and grew as his life spun out of control and then fell back into place. Castiel drew a lot of material from his own life in writing it, and it was difficult to think of so many people reading something so personal, but was comforted by the fact that no one knew where he drew his inspiration from. The epilogue had been torturous to write, a beautiful picturesque scene between the main character and his lover, watching the sun set over the calm waters of a mountain lake. It was as scene he could only imagine, having never felt that kind of peace before, but hoped to experience something similar.

And he realized, one day staring at his computer screen outside of a coffee shop, that that's where he saw himself in ten years. He would add his laptop and cup or coffee or glass of whiskey, but that's where he wanted to be in the end. Somewhere quiet, somewhere beautiful. In fifty years he wanted to be able to write about the way the leaves fell in patterns around the home he would take his last breathe, he wanted to sit in a rocking chair and stare out a the lake and find countless synonyms for placid. He saw his siblings visiting, and Claire's children jumping off the pier. He saw the friends he had made over the last few years gathered under strung up lanterns and laughing into the moonlight.

Sometimes he would allow himself to imagine who it was or could be sitting next to him, enjoying that life with him, but mostly he just focused on the way he felt when he was there.

He imagined feeling fullfilled, complete.

It hit him then, that he no longer felt incomplete. He had battled his demon, his ever present self-hatred and had come out the other side feeling stronger than ever.

For the first time in his life, Castiel didnt feel empty, he felt nearly whole.

/

Castiel's hand cramped as his fingers griped around the black fountain pen for what felt like the millionth time and signed his name.

"Mr. Novak, thank you so much, I-I have to say...your book helped me get through some serious shi- stuff in my life." A dark haired man with dirty fingers and a crooked smile spoke down to him. "Really, man...thanks."

Castiel smiled warmly up at the man. "Thank you for saying that. I'm glad I was able to affect your life so positively."

The man seemed shocked by the genuinely said kind words, and blinked a few times before being ushered aside by the bookstore manager and the next person in line came forward, handing Castiel her book to sign.

Castiel smiled again, this time up to a middle aged woman with half a shaved head and impossibly big brown eyes. "Hello." He said in his deepest baritone.

The woman's breath obviously hitched as it raked over his body, extremely pleased with what she was seeing. This was the fifth book signing he had done this month and he hadn't spent nearly as much time getting ready this morning as he had all the others. His slacks were dark grey and his shirt was a crisp white, but he didn't pair it with a vest or bother keeping the sleeves rolled down after the twentieth book was shoved in his face.

"Uh- Hi." The woman said shyly as she pushed the book in front of him. "I- uh, loved your book Mr. Novak." Her voice shook of nerves.

"Thank you, and feel free to call me Castiel."

Her eager smile was adorable and Castiel returned it kindly. He jotted his signature quickly and threw her as he handed it back to her. Her delight was apparent all over her face and it gave her the confidence to say something she had obviously been dying to ask because it came out a jumble of syllables.

"Did you base Miles on yourself?"

Castiel gave a small smile and hoped the blush of his cheeks wasn't too obvious. It wasn't the first time he had been asked if the main character of his book (who suffered from drug addiction, depression, and found himself in a very tragic romance) was based on real life events, but he always felt awkward answering it. He had managed to come up with a line to give when it was asked, but for some reason in that moment he was hard pressed to say it.

He cleared his throat and shrugged slightly. "Sometimes."

She was pleased at his willingness to answer, and he saw another question forming behind her eyes. He felt he knew exactly what it would be, and really didn't want to go there today. Someone always asked if the character Jeremy was based on anyone in particular, and Castiel fervently denied that it was, never wanted to betray Dean's privacy.

He smiled widely at her, fully aware it didn't make it to his eyes and thanked her for coming out.

She took it as her cue to move on and smiled back sheepishly before stepping to the side and allowing the next person in line to approach.

Castiel hoped it was time to wrap up soon because he was suddenly hot and thirsty and grabbed the bottle of water on the side of his table and tossed it back to take a long drink.

He wasn't paying attention as the next person in line walked up to the table slowly. When he looked up to the woman with his bestselling author smile plastered on his face, it fell as soon as their eyes met. She was smiling from ear to ear, her bright red hair a beautiful contrast to the fairness of her skin.

Charlie Bradbury was standing in front of him, clutching his book to her chest like it was something precious, and Castiel nearly dropped the bottle of water all over himself.

He wanted to say something, but was at a loss for words, and knew it would be seconds before she broke the silence for him anyway.

When she did her voice was a combination of excitement and playful scolding and her grin was mischievously wide.

"Sign my book Mr. Novak?"


	28. Are You Alright?

Castiel was speechless as Charlie took another step forward.

"Well?" She looked at him encouragingly, pushing her book further in front of him, her smile growing softer.

"Charlie...Castiel stared up at her, eyes wide and nearly filling with tears.

"Hey Cas." She said sweetly. "You've done well for yourself."

Castiel's hand went to the book she had placed in front of him and opened it, but didn't look down or pick up his pen up to sign. "How-"

"Did I find you?" She finished. "Excellent detective work, I really outdid myself Cas."

When he continued to just stare up at her, his mouth slightly ajar, Charlie snickered and continued. "I saw you at dinner the other night and then stepped on a flyer advertising your book signing today. Top Secret stuff buddy."

Castiel's lips twitched as if wanting to laugh, but his pounding heart and racing thoughts prevented it. "Charlie..I don't really know what to say..."

She smiled kindly and reached down to pick up his pen. "How about you sign this, and then agree to meet me for dinner tonight."

Castiel's hand reached for the pen without permission and muscle memory took over as he signed the book without looking down. "I-I don't know-"

"I wont take no for an answer Cas." Charlie looked down at him and gave her best attempt at an evil glare.

Castiel thought for a long moment. His hand was cramped and sending fight or flight, painful stimuli to his brain. He wanted to run, but then again was overcome in happiness at seeing his old friend. He wanted desperately to hug her, something that surprised but delighted him at the same time. He had never been an affectionate person but over the last few years found himself more willing to engage in physical contact that didn't involve sex.

The first time his niece Claire pulled his hand into hers while they were walking down the street, he almost jerked it away. But when he looked down, he saw her hopeful expression and kept their hands together. It was a simple moment, unextraordinary in every way except the brilliance of her eyes in the afternoon sun, but it was a moment he would never forget. Its when he accepted the affection given to him, because he felt he was worthy of it.

He was terrified of diving back into the life he led when he knew Charlie, the life that he led when he was a man he never wanted to be again. There was, though, something deep inside of him that refused to let this opportunity go.

"Alright. Where would you like to meet Charlie?" He closed the signed book and pushed it back to her.

She looked a gleeful kind of shocked, and actually bounced in place. "Gilda, that's my girlfriend, and I went to this awesome place with amazing burgers and an open mic the other night. The name is something like...Bun's and Pipe's...i think?"

Castiel smiled, he knew the place well. It was a small bar, serving only a few things and hosting open mic nights two or three times a week with a regular band every weekend. It reminded him a lot of Dean and the first time he went inside he nearly hyperventilated, but he has been going there regularly for over a year now, the sting of Dean less overwhelming the more he went.

"Yes, I know the place. Is seven alright?"

Charlie pulled the book back to her chest and smiled widely. "You bet'cher ass it is. See you then!" She leaned forward then, and the store manager was ready to run interference but Castiel waved him away and leaned as well, allowing Charlie to place a kiss on his cheek.

"You better not stand me up!" She winked as she turned away and disappeared into the crowd.

/

 **Charlie:** _Guess who I'm having dinner with tonight._

 **Dean:** _You're kidding..._

 **Dean:** _Tell me you're kidding Charlie_

 **Charlie:** _I only speak the truth._

 **Charlie:** _Anything you want me to say to him?_

 **Dean:** _No. He obviously doesn't want to hear from me._

 **Charlie:** _Are you sure? Nothing you'd wish you'd said before? Come on Dean...I know that's not true._

 **Dean:** _Leave it alone Charlie._

 **Charlie:** _We'll see._

 **Dean:** _Seriously Charlie, just don't even mention me. If he asks...I don't know tell him what you want but don't go there._

 **Charlie:** _Fine._

 **Charlie:** _What do i say if he asks if you're seeing someone?_

 **Dean:** _The truth._

 **Charlie:** _Which is?_

 **Dean:** _You know Bella and I aren't anything._

 **Charlie:** _Yeah okay._

***FOUR HOURS LATER***

 **Charlie:** _Last chance, I'm about to walk into the restaurant._

 **Dean:** _I don't know what you want me to say._

 **Charlie:** _Something along the lines of, 'Tell Cas i still love him and if he'll have me I would run away with him.'_

 **Dean:** _Yeah, okay. You do that._

 **Charlie:** _REALLY?!_

 **Dean:** _Sarcasm Charlie. Look it up._

 **Charlie:** _You suck Winchester._

 **Charlie:** _Fine._

 **Charlie:** _I'll let you know how it goes._

 **Dean** : _I'd rather you didn't_

/

Castiel waited at the bar for Charlie. He could feel his skin humming from the excitement and his stomach flipping in extraordinary acrobatic movements. When she finally showed up, his body was so tense her warm hug was like a therapy blanket coating his aching muscles.

"Where is this girlfriend? I would have liked to meet her." Castiel said as smoothly as his voice would allow.

"Oh i left her in the hotel room. I wanted you all to myself tonight Mr. Novak." She patted him on the arm. "Best selling author! That's incredible Cas!"

Castiel smiled sheepishly and shoved his hands in his pockets as he looked down at his shoes. "Thank you. I am fairly proud of it."

"You should be! I read it cover to cover the first day I saw it on the shelf at the B n' N by The Bunker, you know the one with that cute barista? Anyway, i saw it and sat down in the middle of the store and didn't get up until i was thrown out. I actually finished it in my car!"

Castiel laughed loudly, doubling over as he imagined Charlie doing such a thing. "You are quite the character Charlie."

"Oh yeah? Well maybe I'll be featured in your next book too?" She said with a wiggle of her brow.

Castiel knew what she was implying and looked away. He wasn't ready for the conversation to go to Dean quite yet.

"Drink?" His voice was low, and his eyes searched hers for honestly.

Charlie let out a sigh and turned to face the bar. "Oh yes." She raised her hand to motion to the bartender and he chuckled beside her.

He watched as she ordered them a couple beers and went for his wallet before she pushed him away.

"On me buddy." She threw him a wink. "This round at least."

He smirked and nodded. "Deal." Castiel looked around for an open table and motioned towards one. "Should we sit?"

Charlie followed his gesture and nodded, pulling the beers into her hand and pushing cash across the bar. "We shall."

Castiel couldn't stop smiling.

"It's very good to see you Charlie." He said as they sat down at the table. "I honestly didn't know how i would handle this, but now that we're here, i find it oddly comforting."

"You missed me then?" She said with a flirty smile.

"Yes, it would seem so." He matched her grin. "So tell me more about Gilda."

Her face brightened more, if that was even possible. "Oh geez Cas, this chick will be the death of me...in the absolute best way possible." He chuckled. "We met a couple years ago at a game board convention in Asheville, and it was like the stars aligned or something." She shook her head and pulled out her phone. "She is a regulation hottie, and smarter than me...which you know how hard it is for me to admit that." Her phone was in his face then and there was a beautiful brunette looking back at him on her screen. He made a whistle sound and smiled.

"You aren't kidding." Castiel nodded in approval. "She's beautiful Charlie."

"Damn straight." She laughed as she pulled her phone back and put it in her bag. "I'm pretty sure this is it for me."

"You mean...?" Castiel raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Yep. I see a walk down that long aisle in our future. Although i'd rather die than put on a white dress." She clarified.

Castiel chuckled into his beer. "No, i cant picture that."

"Definitely not." Charlie sipped her beer as well and read down the paper menu that held only three items like it was an encyclopedia. "So...what about you?"

Castiel knew what she was asking but needed a moment to formulate the right answer. "What about me...what?"

Charlie gave him annoyed look and sighed. "You know what I'm asking Cas."

"Hmm." Castiel nodded in confirmation before letting out a loud breath. "Nothing to tell really."

"Nothing?" Charlie didn't sound convinced.

"Well, I've gone on a few dates recently. But...honestly i haven't really had the time to do much. I just got back from the book tour and my editor is already hounding me about getting the pages from the next novel i'm contracted for."

"Too busy for love Cas?" She teased.

"Apparently." He said smoothly. "You ready to order?"

"Yeah." She made to stand up but Castiel stopped her.

"What do you want? On me."

She smiled and sat back down. "Guac burger please."

"Be right back." Castiel walked back over to the bar and waited for someone to take his order.

He was pleased with how the evening was going so far, but could tell they were about to encroach on some serious Dean territory and tried to brace himself for that. It wasn't as if he didn't want to know, because in fact, despite how much he pushed the man from his mind over the last four years, he was extremely curious as to what Dean had been up to. It seemed so strange that he didn't know what was happening in his life, as if it was a type of amnesia he was suffering from.

"Hey Castiel." A tall red headed man came up to him then with a wide smile and leaned against the bar. "How are you?"

Castiel shifted uncomfortably for a moment before meeting the man's gaze.

His name was Aaron and he was one of the more recent dates Castiel had been on, if you could call fucking in the elevator of his apartment building a date. Castiel had been pretty drunk, and he regretted it immediately, but didn't have the heart to tell him so. It wasn't a downward spiral kind of mistake, just a stupid night of hormones and Hennessy. Castiel had told Aaron he was going to go on tour for awhile and would stop by when he got back, but forgot about his promise when he agreed to meet Charlie here. If he was honest with himself, he barely remembered he had fucked this guy until he was standing right in front of him.

"Hey Aaron, I'm alright. How about you?" He turned his head slightly to indicate interest.

"Better now." He smiled widely. "When did you get back?"

"Just a couple of days ago." Castiel returned the smile for a moment before turning to face Charlie. "Listen a friend of mine is in town right now, but maybe we could ge together after she leaves?" He didn't want to just blow the guy off all together, he had been in that position and didn't want to make Aaron feel that way.

"Yeah," He nodded eagerly. "That sounds great."

"Okay, looking forward to it then." He smiled for a moment before motioning back to Charlie. "My friend is pretty hungry, you think we can get a couple Guac burgers and another round of beer?"

"Of course," Aaron jumped up and walked to the computer. "Be right out Castiel."

"Thanks Aaron." Castiel pulled his lips up into a grin before turning and letting it fall.

When he sat back in his chair, Charlie was waiting for him with wide eyes. "One of your more recent conquests Cas?"

Castiel looked back to find Aaron staring at him and then turning away quickly, blush rising to his face. Castiel sighed and looked back to Charlie. "I'm afraid so."

"He never stood a chance." She smiled and winked at him. Charlie sipped her beer and started fiddling with the wrapper. "So how are you? I mean...really."

"Really?" Castiel leaned forward slightly as if telling her a secret. "I'm good Charlie. I really am." He let out a soft chuckle.

"Really really?" She was trying to coax him into saying more but Castiel wasn't sure how much he wanted to say.

"Honestly, Charlie." He smiled and leaned back in his chair. "I'm happy. I finished my novel, its doing well. I got a book deal that's bought me a nice apartment on the upper west side. I've made friends, I...I really am doing well."

Charlie narrowed her eyes at him for a second before tipping her beer back slowly, fixing her stare. When she finished her beer she wiped her mouth with her sleeve. "Sounds like you've got it all figured out Cas."

Castiel could hear the disbelief in her voice but he didn't know what else he could say to put her at ease. He sighed and tried again. "Listen, I know that when I left...things were really awful. I am so sorry for the choices I made that affected you, for any worry i caused you. I regret what happened that night, and if i could go back i would change so many things."

The other bartender, the one Castiel didn't stick his dick in, brought them their next round of beers then and pulled the empties from the table. Castiel thanked her before turning back to Charlie who had her hands raised. "You don't need to apologize to me Cas."

"I know I don't need to, but I want to Charlie." He let out another sigh and pulled himself forward, wrapping his hand around his cold glass. "That was a time in my life i'd rather not revisit, but its imperative you know that I am better now. I have worked really hard and I am finally...I don't know...things just feel more real now. I feel more in control of my life."

Charlie beamed back at him. "Cas, I'm so happy for you...really, I don't know what to say except that. I was so worried...i tried to talk to you, to find you after but-"

"Yes, I know Anna blocked you." Castiel interrupted. "I don't hold anything against you Charlie."

Charlie sighed and nodded. "Good."

Their dinner came just as the band was setting up their equipment. Castiel was anxiously awaiting the moment the conversation switched to the green eyed man who they were dancing around mentioning so far, but didnt want to be the one to bring him up.

Charlie took a large bite of her burger, her eyes suddenly focused on everything but Castiel. She hummed around another bite, avocado decorating her chin as she devoured her burger faster than Castiel would have thought possible.

"Good?" He finally said after Charlie had pushed her plate away from her, her hands folding over her belly.

"Best damn burger of my life. But don't tell De-" Her eyes flew open and then shut quickly in a wince. Castiel swallowed hard at the near mention, but kept his face as impassive as possible.

After she looked up at him through her lashes like he was some sort of wounded animal, Castiel smiled softly. "Its okay Charlie, I'm not going to implode."

"Are you sure?" She said meekly.

"Yes." He said it kindly, but firm enough to convince anyone, including himself.

They stayed quiet for another moment before Charlie took a deep breath and let it out in a huff, as if giving up something she was holding onto so fiercely.

"Dean."

Even though he knew it was coming, hearing Dean's name affected Castiel more than he thought it would. He had heard it in his own mind, and on the tongue of his siblings from time to time, but watching Charlie- Dean's best friend- form his name in her mouth, made it much more powerful somehow. She could answer all of the questions Castiel had flying through his mind then. She still got to see him as often as she wanted, she was still in Dean's life.

He took a deep breath and nodded. "Dean."

"Yeah." Charlie nodded and looked back down to her beer.

Castiel wasn't sure how to proceed. There was so many things he wanted to know, and a few he would rather die than hear. His tongue flicked out to moisten his lower lip as he thought it over and felt himself snicker at the memory of Dean telling him how that habit affected him. It brought a smile to his face.

"How is he?" He settled on something easy, a question that could be answered in many ways.

Charlie looked back at him and smiled meekly. "Good." She nodded. "I mean, you know Dean...and after you left...well things were pretty bad." Charlie looked back down to her beer and flicked the peeling label with her finger. "I mean... _really_ bad."

Of all the things Castiel expected to hear, that was definitely not one of them. "What do you mean?" He was leaning towards Charlie now, his palms sweating on the table.

Charlie looked up at him with a guilty expression, obviously debating whether to talk about something that was so personal to Dean. She sighed and looked back to the table before speaking. "Cas, it was...he was in hell." She shook her head and brought her eyes up to him. "Sam had just died and then you...and then you were gone."

Castiel's face morphed slightly in bewilderment, his eyes wide and anxious.

Charlie began speaking quickly, as if the words didn't escape her right then, she would never have the chance again. "I mean- Dean lost his brother and the love of his life in the same week. And the _way_ he lost you? Cas...that destroyed him."

Castiel was shaking his head. "I didn't- Anna didn't tell me about him coming until much later...i had no say-"

Charlie held up her hand to stop him. "I know that, Dean does too. I mean, at first at least...he knew why you weren't getting in touch with him...but later? Cas when you still hadn't called or replied to any of his email after six months? He was gutted."

Castiel just stared at her, his own body feeling carved out and hollow. "I-I didn't realize..." His voice was so soft, Charlie could barely hear him over the band's opening song. "By the time i got the emails, it had been so long...I assumed he had moved on by then." He sighed and his jaw tightened. "I never got the calls...Anna disconnected my phone." He knew his bitterness seeped through each syllable and Charlie smirked.

"I'm sure you gave her hell for that."

"Yes." Castiel gave an unamused snicker. "I had a few choice words for her."

Charlie nodded along and took a long glance at the band before turning her gaze back to Castiel. "Why would you think he had moved on?"

Castiel wasn't sure how to answer that question. At the time, his brain wasn't exactly working to its full potential, and his mental health was in serious jeopardy. He believed Dean had moved on because there was no possible way a man like that would waste much time on a man like Castiel. It was only logical that Dean would have let him go, and moved on with his life.

"Charlie, that was a very dark time in my life...i don't know if i could explain it to you...but it never occurred to me that Dean would be that affected by my absence."

Charlie balked. "You're kidding me right? Cas! The man was so in love with you he betrayed his brother...repeatedly, something Dean was actually hardwired against doing. He- he loved Sam so much Cas...it should tell you how much you meant to him."

Castiel sighed. "I know he cared about me Charlie. But without me there I just figured he would mourn me like he did Sam, and move on."

"Yeah well, you know Dean. He blamed himself for Sam. Then he blamed himself for what you did. Then of course the blame continued when you never came back...his drunken ramblings about letting you down and being a coward were a regular staple for over a year after you left."

"A _year_?" Castiel's mouth hung open.

"Yep." Charlie nodded. "It was a year before he returned to being even close to the man he was before. He was still...not right, but he was finally healing. Even now Cas, I mean Dean is happy- don't get me wrong- he seems to finally be in a place where he smiles more than he frowns. But when you left, it broke him...i don't think he will ever be the same."

Castiel didn't know how to process everything Charlie was saying. He no longer doubted his self-worth, but this still seemed like too much. The man he was back then wasn't worth that kind of heartache.

Didn't Dean realize that?

The man who left all those years ago was screaming at him at the back of his mind, pleading for Castiel to go running to Dean. To pull him into his arms and never let him go. It was earth-shattering to realize Dean had felt so strongly for him, that Csatiel had left such a mark on the man who had branded him for life as well.

The other parts of him though, the parts that made Castiel healthy again, told him to stay put. He didn't want to fall back into old habits, he didn't want to be the man he was when he knew Dean. There was a terrifying feeling snaking under his skin that told him if he ever went back, he wouldn't survive it.

"Charlie, I can't-" He began, his hand outstretching and laying on top of hers.

Charlie laid her hand on his and cut him off gently. "I'm not saying you should come back Cas." She smiled softly. "You - god Cas when i saw you today i thought i was hallucinating the glow all around you! You have no idea how happy it made me to see you so...content. I've never seen you so at peace. I mean you were just signing your name over and over and making pleasant small talk with countless strangers but- I saw it. I saw how easy life is for you now. I don't want you to do anything that puts yourself at risk."

Castiel's heart swelled with Charlie's understanding, at how much she cared for him. "Thank you Charlie. That- that's very touching."

Charlie's grin widened for a moment before faltering. "Cas, I love Dean...but I love you too. And if being with him isn't good for you, if he is the reason you...did what you did, then i don't think-"

Castiel rubbed his thumb over the back of Charlie's hands and stopped her with a shake of his head. "Charlie, I was broken long before the Winchesters came into my life." He smiled woefully. "What I did...it may have seemed like it was about Dean, and perhaps that is what i believed it to be at the time as well, but upon reflection, that moment wasn't about Dean. It was the culmination of years of pain and never ending self-hatred."

Charlie's breath hitched as tears sprang to her eyes, the band's cheerful eighties cover drowning out around them.

"I gave up. I was tired of hurting, of hating and being what i thought was unloved. It felt like i couldn't breathe without him...without either of them. But Dean was only the most recent heartache i could cling to in that moment, and even if it was the biggest, it wasn't the only."

He had a lifetime of sorrows before his life was turned upside down by the Winchester men. His father issues were extensive, his mother never loved him, and he never saw himself as someone worthy of love as a result. If anything, meeting Sam and Dean kept him afloat much longer than he would have been without them.

Charlie squeezed his hand and smiled softly. She sniffed and pulled her hand back to run through her hair. "So then, if you're all nice and healed...why haven't you tried to contact him now?"

Castiel sighed and sat back in his chair, pulling his neglected beer to his lips and sucking down its warm contents. When he finally replaced it to the table, he looked over to the band when he spoke.

"Because despite how much I've healed, I know better than to think Dean would be better off with me in his life." Charlie tried to interrupt but Castiel turned to face her and stopped her. "Trust me, I've thought about this a lot Charlie. Even in my wildest dreams, if Dean did still want me...what kind of life could we have? He will always be Sam's brother, he will never let that go. His family would never accept us."

"You don't know that Cas-"

"It doesn't matter though. We have our own lives now, and like you said, he is happy. And so am I." He looked off to the crowd of people gathering over by the stage. "We don't even know each other anymore Charlie. Who knows if we'd even-"

"Come on." Charlie's eyebrows rose in a challenge. "You two were in love pretty much the moment you met, i don't think you'd have anything to worry about there."

Castiel gave a half smile and sighed. "Maybe so, but I do not wish to disrupt the life he has built for himself." He was tempted to ask more about it, Dean's life. He want to soak up as much knowlege about Dean as possible, but decided it could do more damage than necessary.

Charlie was about to protest his last statement but his attention was brought to the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. He held up his hand to stop her while he dug it out.

The caller ID screen showed a picture of Anna reading a book on Gabriel's couch, Claire's head laying in her lap as her hand stroked through her niece's hair.

He was smiling as he brought the phone to his ear and a finger to his other to drown out the band's music.

"Hey! Can you hold on a second?" He shouted into the phone. He barely heard Anna's reply and motioned to Charlie he was going to be right back before standing and exiting the bar, the brisk spring night cool on his cheeks.

"Okay, sorry about that." Castiel said once he was fully outside.

"Castiel." Anna's voice was calm, but he could hear the distress laced in her words.

"Anna, what is it?" His mind began to race as to what the call was about. Anna was with their mother in Virginia, and he thought it was possible she was calling to get money for a lawyer to bail Naomi out of jail again.

"Mother, she's had a stroke." She said evenly.

The words themselves made sense, but their combination confused Castiel. "A stroke?" He began to pace the sidewalk, his hand absently finding his hair and running through. "How? When?" He knew he sounded upset, but really it was more a curious confusion that strained his voice.

"This morning. She overdosed." He could hear Anna shuffling papers and wondered what she was doing.

"Is she alive?" He was suddenly afraid to hear the answer, despite the nonchalance of his voice.

"For the moment, but the stroke was severe Castiel. They've recommended hospice care."

"Hospice." He said it flatly, like the word didn't mean what it did.

"Yes."

"Alright." He wasn't sure what else there was to say, he wasn't ready to completely process the information. "Thank you for letting me know." He made to end their conversation but Anna's voice cut through the speaker again.

"I need you to come home Castiel." Her voice was authoritative, as if she fully expected the response she would get.

"What?" Castiel couldn't imagine a universe where he would help his mother live out her last days. When he spoke he hoped his dry sarcasm hid the tremor in his voice. "Anna, I don't know if you know this, but mother and I didn't exactly get along."

"Castiel," Anna said patiently. "I understand your relationship with our mother was never ideal, neither was ours. But she is our mother, and you need to have some sort of closure before she dies." He heard her sigh softly before continuing, her voice transforming into slight irritation. "And I would also be appreciative of the help of sorting all of this out. I do not wish to handle all of this on my own when I have three capable siblings to help me."

Castiel's nodded at that, realizing she was right about that. "Fine. But cant i just arrange things from here? I'll take care of any calls or insurance problems...but i really do not need to see her Anna."

"Castiel, if you aren't home in the next few days i will take it as a personal assault."

"Anna-" Castiel was ready to beg but his big sister cut him off.

"No. I need you here Castiel. She is our mother and she is dying...and I need you." Her voice wavered, and he thought maybe he heard a quiet sob escape her.

Castiel sighed and hung his head, his hand sliding behind his neck in a gesture he had adopted over the last few years. He really didn't want to see his mother again, but he wanted to be there for Anna. He wanted to be there for her just like she had been for him his entire life.

His personal hang-ups were going to have to take a backseat this time.

"Alright, Anna. I'll fly down tomorrow."


	29. Indigo Home

Dean felt a warm hand on his back as he pulled himself back to consciousness.

It had been a late night at the bar and then his mind refused to shut down for sleep, still reeling over the fact that Charlie had seen Cas just a few days ago. She had spared him the details of her date with the man who had left him four years ago, except to say that he was coming home to help his sister deal with their mother's medical problems.

It was something that surprised him, that Cas would come back to be with his mother in her last moments, but realized it probably was for Anna, and not for himself. Of course, he didn't really know Cas anymore, it was possible the writer wanted some closure with his estranged mother, but Dean doubted it. Castiel's view on his relationship with his mother never seemed like something he wanted to fix, it was always just a part of him.

Dean saw the torturous looks in his eyes on occasion, whenever someone would mention their mother in a positive way and Cas was unprepared for it. Most of the time he was able to show little to know emotion when something like that came up, but there were times when Dean could see all the damage Naomi did to her youngest son in the way Cas' eyelids fell heavy, or the crystal blue of his irises dulled. It was probably imperceptible to most people, if not all, but for Dean- it effected him not just on an emotional level, but a physical one as well. He had found himself unconsciously reaching out to Cas, laying a hand on his shoulder or brushing his fingers along his forearm. Small gestures that his body gave to comfort Castiel, even when it wasn't apparent Cas needed comforting. It was an instinct, his body just moved to him and became what Castiel needed most in the moment. It wasn't always a touch, sometimes it was a joke or a quick change of the subject, but Dean had found it effortless to sense what was needed of him in those moments.

And now, Cas was coming home to be with his mother as she died. Dean couldn't imagine having to stand at the bedside of the person responsible for so much pain and mourn their death. He didn't think he had that kind of generosity in him, and wondered how Cas was handling it. He considered calling him, now that thanks to Charlie he had his number, but couldn't bring himself to take that step. If Cas wanted to see him, to hear from him, he knew how to get in contact with him. He obviously didn't want that, so Dean did his best to shake thoughts of contacting Cas away.

He wasn't very successful though, pulling out his phone and staring down at the screen over and over the last couple days. He knew Cas was in town now, Charlie had had texted him when they arrived and Dean felt like his skin was on fire all of the time now. He wondered if Cas would just show up at the Bunker, or at his apartment. It was like he was waiting for the moment to happen and his body couldn't rest for fear of missing it.

And now he was in his bed, staring at the glowing red numbers of his clock radio telling him it was four in the morning and there was someone in his bed.

It wasn't unusual for Bella to sneak in at times and have her way with him whenever she felt like it, but there was something about the weight of the hand on his back, rubbing circles in the planes of his shoulders, that told him it was not Bella's hand. He felt like the room was suddenly hazy, like he was seeing the shadows of his room through a cloud of smoke and mirrors.

He knew he should turn around and confirm what his senses were already telling him, but Dean couldn't find the strength to do so. The room went dark again for a few moments, and it wasn't until the soft glow of the street lamps outside filled his vision again, did he realize he had closed his eyes.

The hand stopped moving and his back was suddenly cold, and Dean was immediately terrified that the bed would be empty when he turned over. The thought must have propelled him because he was instantly locking eyes with the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he knew to be in existence.

Castiel had both hands under his cheek, as he laid next to Dean, his body facing his. The corners of his mouth turned up into a soft smile, and Dean couldn't feel anything. He knew he should feel a multitude of emotions, but he couldn't process anything past the fact that he was looking at Cas. The sleep that still pulled at him made Cas' face seem out of focus, and Dean squinted, doing his best to see the man laying next to him better. There were a few lines around his eyes, nothing quite like the wear Dean's own face showed, but there nonetheless. He had neglected to shave, probably for the last couple days, and Dean tried to lift his hand to feel the stubble against his own skin, but couldn't lift his hand.

He knew he should panic, that it wasn't normal that he couldn't lift his hand, but his thoughts were blurred by the image of the man's smile growing wider, his eyes brightening the room as his lips grew further apart. The smile was the same one Cas wore in the photo Charlie had taken, and Dean was sure he had never seen anything so radiate in his life. He wanted to cover his eyes, Cas' smile too close and too bright to be comfortable anymore.

"Cas?" Dean heard himself say, but not feeling his mouth move.

"It's alright Dean." Cas' smile didn't waver as the words escaped his throat. "I'm okay now. Everything is okay now."

"I tried Cas- I tried to find you." His lover's face was blurred further by the tears that filled Dean's eyes.

"You can let go now Dean." Castiel's hand lifted once more, this time resting on Dean's cheek and caressing softly. "You can let me go now."

"No, Cas...I don't- I cant-" Dean was crying, but his sobs were somewhere distant. "Please don't leave me."

"Shh." Castiel moved forward and pressed his lips to the wetness of Dean's cheeks but Dean couldn't feel the soft chapped lips he knew should be there. "I'm better now. You have to let me go Dean."

"Cas please-" Dean pleaded. "I'm so sorry, please Cas, please!" His hands began to grapple for some part of Castiel to grab onto but they kept falling through the man's body.

Castiel seemed to drift above him then, his body hovering over and his eyes latching on and not letting go. "It's for the best Dean." His smile grew wider still and Dean was suddenly terrified of the gummy grin staring down at him. "It's time to let go." Castiel's body began to dissipate and Dean was left grasping at the air above him, the whisper of Cas' voice still in his ears. "Time to let go Dean."

"No! Cas! Please come back! Please!" Dean could hear shouting in the distance, could see his vision fading to black as his body transitioned out of his dream and into the hard reality of his cold and empty bed.

Dean thrashed as he awoke, the cold sweat on his forehead mixing with the salty tears he had shed. His pillow and sheets were damp beneath him, but Dean couldn't find the strength to pull himself out of his bed. His mind flashed images of Cas laying next to him, smiling back at him and he clenched his fists into the sheets. There was a loud growling whine that was coming from his throat, but Dean did nothing to quiet himself.

The dream played on the thing he had been torturing himself over for the last few days.

Castiel was happy.

He had found peace and was living a good life.

Some people may think it strange that Dean knew from one picture that Castiel was definitely living a happy life, but Dean was sure. He could see it in the lightness of his shoulders, the bright blue of his eyes, the well worn laugh lines along his mouth- all of it showed Dean the extent of Castiel's bliss.

He knew he was supposed to be happy about it, that Cas was happy and had overcome everything that landed him in that hospital four years ago, but there was a more prominent feeling that tortured Dean.

Jealousy.

He hated that he felt that way, that he wanted to be the one to make Cas happy, but he couldn't stop. Of course, he didn't want Cas to be unhappy, but secretly hoped his life was somewhat similar to his own. Not a sad existence, by any means, but still heavy with the weight of everything he had lost. Dean had found his own happiness these last few years, and could honestly say he enjoyed his life, but there was that part of him that still belonged to Cas that refused to move on. It still clung to him fiercely and Dean had just about accepted that it would always be there.

He had read old romance novels about couples not being together but being in love forever and thought it never made any sense because with time and perspective, anyone could fall out love, especially with the help of someone new. That theory was quickly crumbling around him though as he lived his life in peace, but still knew his heart belonged to Cas. It had just become a part of him, like his smart mouth or the bow of his legs, loving Cas made him who he was. He did worry that it meant he was ruined for anyone else, that he would never find a partner to share his life with because he would never want anyone the way he wants Cas, but Dean pushed thoughts like that away, having no intention of pursuing a relationship anytime soon.

Dean winced as thoughts of Castiel and his romantic entanglements assaulted his mind.

Had he found someone else? Is that why he was so happy?

The thought of Cas being with someone else made him physically sick and Dean curled up onto his side as he tried to push the thoughts away. Thinking about Cas always led to entire nights without sleep, or possibly more alcohol than he usually allowed himself and Dean didn't want to slide back into bad habits.

Dean forced himself to turn back over to check the time.

It was nearly six and Dean couldn't remember the last time he got up this early but knew he wasn't going back to bed with his mind working the way it was.

He didn't have much to do today, his scheduled guitar lesson wouldn't start until nine and then he was free until his gig at The Vine tonight.

Benny had left the band the year before, having gotten married and adopting an adorable baby girl Dean had nicknamed "Sassmonster." He had found another drummer after only a few auditions, and the band's name was changed to _Mary's Smile_. Dean thought maybe it was stupid the first time he thought of it, but everyone seemed to love it and Dean didn't think it was necessary to explain who Mary was. His mother's smile was one of the last things he remembered of her, before finally blurring from his memories and living only in pictures.

Dean pulled himself up and threw his legs over the side of the bed. His head fell into his hands as he leaned forward slightly, letting his feet absorb the cold carpeted floor and the sweat on his back trickle down his spine. When he finally stretched himself into standing, Dean turned back to look down at his bed for a moment, imagining Cas laying there once more before shaking his head and heading for the shower.

/

Dean arrived with the rest of the band at the bar about an hour before they were supposed to go on. The bar was already pretty packed, the opening band drawing people in as it played popular nineties covers.

He sat on an amp behind the black curtain on the stage and drank slowly from his bottle of water. Dean didn't like to look at the crowd before heading out on stage, he found it made him more nervous and dried his throat out. He could hear people singing along to the music though and the sound was so loud he knew there were a lot of people out there.

He had gotten more comfortable on stage over the last few years, and his band had gained a good following of people who would show up to their gigs regularly. It wasn't really something he was thinking about going further with, not being the type to indulge in the lure of celebrity. He did enjoy being on stage though, and loved singing his heart out to a crowd of people soaking up every note with a smile on their face. It gave him quite the high, and Dean had been chasing that high a few times a month for the last three years.

The opening band began their thanks, and Dean felt his heart beat speed up as he prepared to set up. The crowd cheered loudly as the nineties cover band made their exit and appeared behind the curtain, smiles on their faces.

"Nice job guys, that was awesome." Dean smiled widely as he offered a hand to the singer who approached him.

"Thanks man. Its a good crowd, you'll have a good time with em'." The young man said, tossing his long locks to the side in a way that made Dean think of Sam and his heart stung for a moment.

"Alright then, you guys staying?" Dean watched as his band mates brought their equipment on stage and tried his best to continue the polite small talk bands usually engaged in between sets.

"Yeah man, you guys are freaking awesome!" The kid beamed at him and Dean figured he couldn't be more than nineteen. "You guys doing covers or will you play any of your own stuff tonight?"

"We got a little of both actually. Probably space it out a bit." Dean answered with a nervous smile.

"Oh man, originals can be a bitch at a place like this." He gave him a pat on the back as Dean approached the curtain. "I'm sure you guys will do great though."

Dean huffed out a breath and tossed a smile over his shoulder. "Lets fucking hope so buddy." He heard the boy laugh behind him as he pushed his way through the curtain and plastered on his stage worthy smile. His hand was up and waving and he could feel himself letting go of everything that had weighed him down that day.

His dream had stayed with him all day, but Dean slipped into his stage persona easily as the lights blinded and the crowd welcomed him. When he made it the the microphone waiting for him at the center of the stage, Dean hit it with his hand a couple times, checking that it was on before smiling widely and whooping to the crowd.

"How you guys doin' tonight?"

The crowd cheered and Dean raised his hands in a appreciative gesture.

"We're so glad to be here tonight guys, thanks for coming out to see us!" Dean checked behind him to check that everyone was ready to play. "We're- uh- gunna play some music for you now. So -uh- shut up and like it."

He turned towards the laughing crowd and looked down at the first row of people staring up at him. They were mostly college girls, throwing him seductive smiles and moving their bodies to music that hadn't started playing yet. He smiled at them anyway, letting it grow wider as the first notes began to ring in his ears.

They had developed what Dean thought was a well placed set. They always started with something everyone knew, something that rocked but was easy to sing along to. Tonight they were starting with Journey's bar classic, _Don't Stop Believing,_ and Dean's mouth began to twitch as the words formed in his mind before crooning from his lips.

The crowd ate it up, everyone joining in and holding their drink in their hands as they belted out the well-known chorus. Dean came alive as the crowd grew more enthusiastic, his body swayed as he sang, his head slinging back as he pushed the notes from his diaphragm.

They usually snuck in an original song around the third song, the crowd too pumped up to care that they didn't know the words. Their tactic usually worked, and tonight was no different, the eyes in the audience looking impressed and entertained as Dean worked his way through a rock ballad he and Benny had written together a few years ago. By the time the song was over, Dean was feeling higher than he ever had before on stage, the energy of the room lighting him on fire.

Sometimes, Dean will make a call to substitute a planned original song for another cover, depending on the crowd and how receptive they are but he was feeling encouraged by their response to their music and thought about trying out an acoustic song he had written last year and hadn't played before. Towards the end of their set he decided that they should go for it, knowing at least the girls up front would be eating out of the palm of his hand as he sang it. It was a love song after all, a song he wrote for Cas.

It had taken Dean a long time to agree to sing this song on stage, it being so personal, but something about the night felt right and he was ready to debut it. Dean had been proud that he was able to put his feelings about Castiel into words, seeing as how he was so emotionally stunted, but actually sharing it with other people was still something he struggled with. He knew no one in the crowd would know what he was singing about, or who, but it still made him feel raw whenever he sang it, like he was being stripped away of all his defenses and his heart left open for the world to see.

"Alright guys." Dean breathed heavily into the microphone as he came down from the last song. "You know how we like to slow it down at least once a night so-uh- tonight-" he pulled his guitar into his lap and sat on the stool the bassist pulled out for him. "I'm gunna go ahead and break your heart with a little something i wrote awhile back, hope you don't mind."

His shy smile was met with cheers from the crowd, and some sweet words he couldn't hear from his fan club up front. Dean smiled down at them as he strummed on his guitar once, stopping to tune the strings before strumming again and smiling out at the crowd. He let his eyes sweep across the room, lingering around the people standing against the bar and moving down the center of the group before coming back to his own hands which where strumming gently.

He closed his eyes and let some of the emotion behind the song in, knowing it would be impossible to sing it well without doing so. When his lips parted to sing, he felt something strong pulling his eyes back out into the crowd.

 _I drink good coffee every morning_  
 _Comes from a place that's far away_  
 _And when I'm done I feel like talking_  
 _Without you here there is less to say_

The words were silk on his tongue, and he loved the way they enraptured the people he locked eyes with. His gaze though, felt drawn, like it was being pulled somewhere in particular and he found himself roaming from person to person, looking for the source. His skin felt hot and open and he knew there was something more about the moment than just the high he got from singing on stage. He couldn't find it though, couldn't find whatever it was that made him feel like he was going to float off of his chair and plummet into the earth simultaneously.

 _Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy_  
 _What is closer to the truth_  
 _If I lived till I was a hundred and two_  
 _I just don't think I'll ever get over you_

The draw flickered then, like an electric shock that stuttered for a second before intensifying and lighting the room on fire. His heart was beating hard, pushing blood through his veins in a familiar rhythm that had been lost to him for so long.

Dean searched through the crowd again, his body knowing exactly what it was looking for while his mind tried its best to catch up. He was so overwhelmed by the tremendous pull he almost forgot to keep singing, but then his eyes finally landed on the source of all the energy swirling around him and his mouth fell open, lyrics tumbling out easily.

 _No longer moved to drink strong whiskey_  
 _I shook the hand of time and I knew_  
 _That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs_  
 _I just don't think I'll ever get over you_

The thought that it was just a mirage, that the dream from this morning had somehow manifested in the crowd, didn't even cross his mind as Dean stared openly into the wide depths of Castiel Novak's eyes. The raw magnetism that had pushed and pulled him to meet Cas' gaze had settled into a calming tide that ebbed and flowed naturally around them. Dean couldn't see anyone else anymore, his vision blacking out everything that wasn't Cas.

 _A face that dances and it haunts me_  
 _With laughter still ringin' in my ears_  
 _I still find pieces of your presence here_  
 _even, even after all these years_

Dean's eyes traveled down the contours of Castiel's face and let himself linger on the soft lips that seemed to tremble in the shadows of the bars low lighting. He looked beautiful despite the dismay his face wore. The lines above his forehead that Dean had always wanted to kiss away were on full display, his lips turned down slightly in a way that made Dean's heart stutter.

He knew he should probably feel embarrassed that the man he wrote the song for was standing there watching him, but the only thing Dean could think to feel was grateful. He was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity to sing to Cas again, to sing a song that had so much of himself in it, a song that laid his soul bare. His lips curled up at their edges as he sang straight to Cas, hoping the words found their rightful place in his heart.

 _I don't want you thinkin' that I don't get asked to dinner  
Cuz I'm here to say that I sometimes do  
And even though I may seem to feel a touch of love  
I just don't think I'll ever get over you_

Dean closed his eyes then, tears springing forth and his heart beating the way it had only ever done for Cas. He wanted so desperately to put every ounce of emotion in this, in this one moment where he got to be raw and bare for Cas and tell him exactly how he feels. Dean looked back up at him then, ignoring the tears that fell and blocking out everything that wasn't a pair of crystal blue eyes staring back him. When they made their way home again, Dean's eyes found Cas tilting his head slightly, a beautifully confused look painting his face, and Dean nearly laughed at the sight.

As he sung out the last chords of the song though, Dean kept his lips as steady as possible, knowing how close they were to trembling. He kept his voice as even as he could but he heard himself shake as his lips closed around the last words of the song.

 _If I lived till I was a hundred and two_  
 _I just don't think I'll ever get over you_


	30. Time

Castiel didn't want to go out that night.

In fact, he had come up with multiple reasons why he should stay home with Anna. They had an entire house to go through and a mountain of insurance claims to pretend to read. They were going to put the house up for sale but needed to clear it out first and Castiel had spent the last three days sorting their families memories and possessions in boxes to keep, give away, or throw away. The pile to toss was significantly larger than the other two.

Charlie had been trying to drag him out with her since he arrived home but he was able to dodge her requests to go blow off steam until Gabriel arrived and made it nearly impossible to do so. They were all in the Novak's living room, sorting through DVD's and Charlie had come over to help. Anna was at the hospice house where their mother was rapidly degenerating.

"Uh Cassie, I'm going to go ahead and take the Matrix trilogy." Gabriel said absently as he riffled through the DVDs.

"That's fine." Castiel replied.

"Seriously?" Charlie's head shot up and stared Castiel down. "Cas, the second and third okay, but you're seriously just going to hand over one of the best action movies to exist? Cas The Matrix-"

"Redefined action movies and special effects. Yes I know." Castiel smiled. "I already have a copy."

"Oh thank goodness." She went back to sorting the books from the bookcase.

They worked mostly in silence apart from the occasionally joke from Gabriel and answering laugh from Charlie. They got a long really well and Castiel was sure Charlie would become a regular visitor to New York.

When she was finished placing books in their appropriate boxes she stood up and wiped the dust from her jeans. "So Gabe, you gunna help convince Cas to come out with me tonight?"

Gabriel's ears perked up then and a smirk graced his lips. "Trust me, if i knew how to get the stick out of that one's ass I would have removed it years ago."

Charlie laughed. "Oh come on, Cas knows how to have good time, he's just too chicken shit to go out with me in case he runs into a certain green-eyed Adonis."

Gabe let out a breath of understanding and nodded.

"Would you two please stop talking like i am not in the room." Castiel rolled his eyes and sat back on his heels. "One- I do not have anything lodge in my rectum, at the moment at least. Two- Not wanting to see Dean doesn't make me afraid, it makes me smart."

"He has a point Red." Gabriel defended, standing and placing his hand on Castiel's shoulder. "Seeing Dean would only bring Cassie here back to the dark place." He said it like a joke but Castiel knew his brother was trying to look out for him.

"No, that's not it Gabriel." Castiel shook his head. "Its not that seeing Dean would turn me back into what i was, but that seeing him would probably cause more pain than necessary since its not like anything has changed. Whats the point in spending time with him when I cant have him?"

"Who's to say you cant Cas?" Charlie said with an eyebrow raised. "I mean, if you wanted to-"

"Don't start this again Charlie." Castiel stood up and dropped his pile of DVD's into the donate box without looking through them. "I am happy. Dean is happy. Why ruin it?"

"I don't know...because you could be better than happy? You could be mind blowingly ecstatic?" Charlie insisted, her tone gentle but still playful.

Castiel turned back to look at his brother who only offered a shrug as if you say, 'She has a point but I'm on your side.'

Castiel sighed before turning back to Charlie. "How do you even know he would want to see me?"

Charlie's body began to vibrate in excitement. "Because i know what he wants even if he doesn't. Does this mean you'll come out? Because Dean's band is playing at the Vine tonight and I am going to piss myself from excitement if you agree to this." Her grin was so wide and hopeful Castiel couldn't help but laugh.

He did feel like he needed to get out of the house, the memories he was uncovering were having more of an affect than he thought they would and he felt emotionally drained. He didn't think he would ever be back in this house and now he was not only inside but gutting it of things that helped to blacken his soul. It was cathartic, but distressing at the same time.

Seeing Dean would probably only add to his heartache this evening, but there was a very large part of him that was screaming at him to take this opportunity. It was only one night after all and it didn't have to mean anything more than small talk and catching up. Maybe the years had dulled the affect Dean's presence had on him and Castiel would find it easier to be around Dean and not be with him. There was always the very real possibility that Dean didn't want anything to do with him and that made his body tense with anxiety, but Castiel thought that would probably not be the case. It had been four years, and any anger or blame Dean had held for him before would have probably lessened considerably.

He began to prepare himself for awkward silences and strained conversations but instead of fear he only felt resigned to it. It would only be natural for their first encounter after so many years and so much heartbreak to be that of the typical ex run-in. He hoped for something better, for easy smiles and light conversation, but he prepared for the worst as he nodded to Charlie.

"Alright, I'll go." He turned away from Charlie's excited face and looked at his brother. "But you have to promise to be polite to Dean." His finger was raised in an accusation Gabriel looked shocked to receive.

"What? Me? Come on Cassie, you think i would be rude to the guy who broke my little brother's heart into a thousand pieces and then shat on it? " The corners of his lips were turned up in a devilish grin. "You think me capable of something like that?"

"Yes." Castiel said firmly. "Absolutely."

Gabriel laughed and came forward to place his hands on either side of Castiel's shoulders. "Alright alright. I promise to not hit him or call him anything I wouldn't say in a church." He crossed his fingers over his chest in an oath. "On my honor."

The youngest Novak rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed breath. "I wish Lucy had come, she would have kept you in line."

"Not possible little brother." He smiled wide and looked over Cas' shoulder to Charlie. "So when do we leave? I want to make sure i have time to get dapper before meeting this fucker."

Castiel shot him a reproachful look but Gabriel only smiled and shrugged. "I'd say that in a church."

"Okay okay, you're going to need to chill with the insults dude. Dean is my best friend and while he is a ripe idiot at times, he is a good man." Her eyebrows were raised in a challenge and Gabriel smirked as he stepped closer to her.

"Your best friend has caused a lot of damage to my little brother Red, i think i'm entitled to a verbal ass whipping or two." Castiel knew he was serious despite his playful tone.

"Gabriel, Dean is not responsible for the choices I made." Castiel interrupted, turning his brother to face him. "You know that."

Gabriel huffed but nodded slightly. "Yeah, maybe so. But that doesn't mean i have to like him."

"Fair enough." Charlie sighed. "But lets try and keep the 'fucker' talk to a minimum, kay?"

"I'm not making any promises." Gabriel turned back towards the box of DVD's. "So when do we leave?"

"The show is at nine but maybe we could do dinner before?" Charlie began moving down the hallway towards the bedrooms. "I'm going to go look for some dirt on you joker, i think i'll need some ammo tonight."

It took Gabriel a moment before he was jumping over the boxes in the living room to join Charlie in his childhood bedroom. Castiel could hear him moving things around and throwing distracting jokes around the room while Charlie searched and Castiel chuckled to himself. He was grateful for the friends and family he had, and tried to let their affection hold him together as he thought over what he was walking into this evening.

/

As his feet led him through the doors of The Vine, Castiel was suddenly hit with the familiar sensation of deja vu. He remembered walking into this bar with Sam's hand intertwined in his as his eyes wandered the crowd for Dean. He was ashamed of the memory, but tried to hold on to the feeling of Sam's hand in his for a moment longer before pushing it aside and bringing himself back to the evening.

He followed Charlie, Gilda and Gabriel to the bar where he knew a lot of his evening would be spent. He didn't want to be drunk when he saw Dean for the first time, but his tolerance was exceptionally high and felt like he needed at least a few shots to take the edge off of the enormous moment ahead of him.

They had gotten dinner beforehand and Castiel was bewitched by Gilda. She was sweet and spoke with a shy disposition, but her words were well thought out and Castiel immediately saw the draw Charlie felt towards her. He had gotten lost in conversation with her and by the time they made it to the bar, he was fairly confident he had made another friend.

"Beer?" Gabriel called over his shoulder.

"And something to throw back as well." Castiel called back, the music from the opening band blaring loudly.

Gabriel smirked and nodded, turning back towards the bar and ordering their drinks. They didn't speak as they waited for their drinks, just watched the band sing out a song Castiel recognized but couldn't place.

"I think my ears are bleeding." Gabriel scoffed as he handed out beers and shots.

"I think they're rather captivating." Gilda said thoughtfully. "The lead singer has good stage presence."

Charlie smiled and nodded. "What she said."

"Figures." Gabriel rolled his eyes and then began to look around the crowd. "Wonder if there's a Gilda for me out there."

"You finally ready to settle down Gabriel?" Castiel asked with a quirk of his brow. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"Eh." Gabe shrugged and tossed his shot back. "I'm getting old Cassie, i could use someone to come home to."

"You're not old Gabriel." Castiel shook his head and took his shot as well. He placed the glass on the bar and chased the strong liquor with a sip of his beer.

The band continued to play and Castiel eyes began to search the crowd before landing on the curtain behind the stage and locking in. He knew Dean wouldn't be out in the crowd, that he was probably sitting behind the stage now, preparing himself. It was a fact that comforted him, knowing Dean was so close but not being able to see him yet. He was anticipating that moment more than he knew he should, and couldn't help but feel grateful that he would get to see Dean without Dean seeing him right away. He would have the opportunity to stare uninterrupted, knowing Dean wouldn't be looking back at him.

He was afraid though, that seeing Dean would hurt more than he prepared himself for and steadied himself against the bar as the opening band said their thanks and introduced Dean's band.

"We know who you all came to see tonight and your wait is over!" The singer said into the microphone, his hair cascading over his brow until he flicked it back with his fingers. Castiel recognized the motion as something Sam used to do and his lip curled up in affection. "So lets give a huge welcome to _Mary's Smile_!

Castiel found himself breaking out into a wide grin at the name of Dean's band. It said a lot about who Dean had become, that he was willing to use such a personal aspect of his life in the public and wondered who actually knew the band was named after his mother. His heart began to hammer though as members of the band began to bring their equipment onto the stage. His feet moved him forward and away from the bar as he inched closer to the stage.

His breath picked up and his palms began to sweat as familiar hands pulled at the edge of the curtain and his legs stopped working as Dean's face emerged. The first thing he noticed was a note of sadness in his eyes but it was quickly pushed away and he found himself staring up at a widely grinning Dean Winchester. It wasn't an ingenuine smile, but one Cas knew Dean had perfected over the years. Castiel could see the happiness radiating off of the man on stage, but the smile itself wasn't the one Cas had fallen for all those years ago. It was strained, almost too wide, not quite reaching his eyes, but real nonetheless.

As his mind and body adjusted to being in the same room with Dean again for the first time, he felt Charlie's hand slip into his and he was suddenly desperate for just that. He needed something to ground him as Dean began to speak into the microphone. He felt like he was going to drift away on the soft caress of Dean's voice and clung to Charlie's hand like a life raft. He felt her thumb rub over his knuckles and knew she was staring up at him but couldn't bring himself to take his eyes off of Dean as he spoke to the crowd. His mouth was dry from hanging open too long and he brought the beer to his lips, still staring up at his green-eyed lover and took a long sip to wet his tongue again.

When Dean began to sing the first song Castiel found himself loosening his grip on Charlie's hand and giving himself over to the sound being thrown down to him. He tried to separate the fact that it was Dean singing and just enjoy the music, knowing he wouldn't get through a full set if he kept gazing so intensely at him.

His eyes closed of their own accord and Castiel let himself sway to the music, even joining in the chorus at Charlie's prodding. When the songs began to bleed together and Deans voice became the soothing background of his mind, Castiel went to the bar to grab another round of drinks. He felt Charlie following him and turned to face her after placing his order.

"I'm fine Charlie." He blurted.

"Are you sure?" Charlie said, worry on her face. "I mean you seem fine...but-"

"Honestly, it isn't as bad as i was expecting." Cas smiled and turned to grab the beers from the bartender.

It was true, his heart was only minutely heavier tonight than it had been the last few weeks. Seeing Dean as happy as he was, it was a bittersweet sensation that left Castiel feeling resolute in his decision to keep his distance. He had thought seeing Dean again would tear everything he had healed away, but it only made him feel stronger. Knowing he was doing the right thing by letting Dean go, it made Castiel feel good about himself. It made him feel powerful and in control.

His attention was drawn back to the stage as Dean made his way over to the side of the stage and pulled his guitar up and into his hands. It was once again a familiar scene and Castiel moved closer to the stage as he remembered Dean doing just that before singing to him years ago.

When Dean sat down with the guitar in his lap and a nervous look on his face, Castiel's heart rate picked up again, his chest suddenly constricted. As Dean told the crowd about the song he had written, he could feel his own face getting hot, like the entire room was staring at him. It was a ridiculous thought, that Dean had written the song for him or if he had it would be something Castiel would want to hear, but he still suddenly felt naked.

As Dean's fingers began to strum along the guitar, Castiel felt his heart stop and restart to a new rhythm. It beat along to the echoes of Dean's guitar strings and as Dean began to sing Castiel stopped breathing. His tone was wistful as he sang, and the words stung like the tears that began to collect.

As Dean moved into the chorus, Castiel felt his body sink and soar at the same time. The lyrics were telling him a story he didn't want to hear, but couldn't stop himself from hoping. Hoping the words were true, hoping they could mean more than just a song sung like before. A piece of music wasn't meant to be held at face value, and Castiel knew that even if Dean meant what he had written, it didn't mean he intended to do anything about it.

Could he really mean this? That he would love him forever, that he would never get over him?

He swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat and felt Gabriel's eyes on him as his chin quivered without permission. The world suddenly grew still as he watched Dean's emerald colored eyes dance all around him before landing on his own wide blue ones. It was immediate, the effect Dean's gaze had on him, and Castiel didn't know how to react. He didn't know what Dean was seeing as he looked down at him, but could see the shock and wonder in Dean before the older man's face grew calm and content, never taking his eyes from Castiel's.

The room softened and shook around them as Dean sang to him, their hearts synchronizing once more. Castiel could vaguely feel his brother's hand warm on his back and he leaned into it, needing the support to remain standing. He watched as Dean closed his eyes and saw the glimmer of a tear falling down his face and wanted nothing more than to kiss it away.

When Dean opened his eyes and locked eyes with him once more, Castiel felt his stomach flip over and his head go dizzy. Dean sang the last words of the song and Castiel let out a breath he was unaware he was holding.

Dean held his gaze for a another long moment before breaking it and staring out at the crowd. "Alright guys, that's it for us tonight." There was a resounding applause as well as calls for an encore but Castiel knew Dean wasn't going to indulge them tonight. "You guys were great, we really had a blast." He stood up and raised his hand up in a wave. "We'll be back next month so come back and see us." He smiled back into the crowd, the smile he wore when he first came out but with a notable tension in his jaw.

Dean searched the crowd for Cas once more before blinking a few times and disappearing behind the curtain.

Castiel let himself be led back to the bar where a round of shots was waiting for him. He took it without speaking and avoided everyone's eyes as he prepared for Dean to join them.

Charlie tried to talk to him a few times but Castiel was unable to understand anything she was saying, his mind warped around thoughts of Dean. He thought he heard Gabriel say something about getting air outside but Castiel shook his head and kept his eyes on the empty stage across the room. He didn't want to watch Dean approach, he would rather just have him appear so the temptation to run away was less intense.

After about fifteen minutes Castiel began to fear that Dean had left and wasn't planning on seeing him at all, but his anxiety was replaced with beautiful terror as he heard Dean's hoarse voice beside him.

"Hey Cas." It was mostly smooth but Castiel heard it shake slightly when Dean breathed out his name.

His own voice caught for a second before being able to speak. "Hello Dean."

They stared at each other for a long moment, their eyes slipping back into the comfortable habit. Castiel heard his brother clear his throat, but ignored it for another second as the world continued around them. It was like coming home again, resting in Dean's eyes and Castiel didnt want the moment to end. Finally, after being poked in the back Castiel blinked rapidly and broke his gaze with Dean. It was extremely difficult to do so, the beautiful contours of his jaw and the soft glint of his eyes nearly impossible to look away from, but Castiel turned to Gabriel and sighed.

"Dean, this is my brother Gabriel. Gabriel, Dean Winchester." He looked between the two men, his own nervousness apparent in the sudden rise of his shoulders.

Gabriel slapped his hand down on his shoulder though and Castiel did his best to relax under the pressure. His older brother held out his other hand to Dean and wore a smirk as he looked up to him. "Dean." He nodded curtly and Castiel peeked under his lashes to see Dean's own anxiety apparent in the lines of his forehead as he shook his brothers hand.

"Uh- hey Gabriel, nice to finally meet you man." Castiel could hear the fake politeness in Dean's voice and if it were under different circumstances would have called him out on it, but kept his lips pressed tightly together.

"Yeah, its nice to put a face to the man who-"

Charlie's hand was quick over Gabriel's mouth and she threw a wide grin at Dean. "We're going to go over there now, Gilda wants to meet the singer of the other band."

Castiel shot a glance at Gilda who looked confused for a split second before straightening out her face and nodding. "Yes, I'd like to see if there is a CD i can purchase."

Gabriel's mouth was moving against Charlie's hand and Castiel could see him struggling to speak but Charlie wouldn't let up as she pushed his back towards the other side of the bar. "Come on Novak, move it." She said menacingly.

Castiel was grateful, not wanting to have to apologize for whatever it was Gabriel was about to say. Dean just stood in place, looking a combination of amused and annoyed. It wasn't until the others had made their way across the room did it become apparent that they were alone. Not really alone, since the bar was crowded and their bodies were almost huddled together by a large group of people passing them. The bar was playing music from speakers set up around the room but Castiel could barely hear anything over the sound of his own heart beating.

He didn't know what to say or how to say it. He didn't know where to begin or if they should even go past the polite pleasantries expected of old lovers meeting in a bar. His mouth opened as if words were ready to form and escape but nothing came and he closed it again, his eyes falling to the floor and out of Dean's grasp.

"Do you want to maybe-" Dean shifted in place, his hand finding his neck and Castiel melted into the gesture.

"Yes." Castiel nodded and smiled softly up at the man who let out a relieved breath and let his lips form into the easy smile that took Castiel's breath away.

"Great." Dean breathed out as Castiel turned and led them to the exit.

He knew he should be nervous, to be alone with Dean and not surrounded by a few dozen buffers, but Castiel was anxious to have Dean to himself. It wasn't as though he wanted anything to happen between them, knowing it would only make things that much harder when he went home, but if Castiel was going to see Dean, spend time with him, he wanted to do it right.

The night was warm, and Castiel hadn't noticed he was beginning to sweat through his t-shirt when they made it out to the street. He noticed beads of sweat around Dean's hairline and wondered if they were from the heat or from the pressure of his evening.

They began to walk, their legs taking them through the streets of Arlington, moving steadily together. It didn't feel strange, that they walked in silence, the city was too loud for them to hold any sort of conversation and Castiel liked that he could just walk with Dean beside him and not have to say anything. He felt oddly calm considering the enormity of the situation and wondered if Dean was feeling just as relaxed as he was. The walk helped ground him, gave him something to focus on besides the torturous thoughts of Dean that refused to release him.

As they moved into the neighborhoods behind Clarendon, Dean finally broke the silence.

"I'm glad you came Cas." Dean's voice was soft, his hands stuffed in his pockets as he walked beside him. "I'm sorry about your mom though."

"Thank you Dean. I'm glad I came as well. I must admit it took quite a lot of convincing though." Castiel smiled softly. "Did Charlie tell you I would be there tonight?"

Dean let out a huff of bitter laughter. "Ha- no. That girl is going to be in serious trouble the next time i see her."

"Maybe she thought you would try to avoid the meeting?" Castiel said slowly, hoping his face didn't betray how much Dean's answer would affect him.

"Maybe. But you have to know i wouldn't pass up the chance to see you again Cas...i mean if you wanted to see me." Dean said quickly, his cheeks going red under the moonlight.

"Yes Dean, I wanted to see you." Castiel sighed. "I only needed to be convinced because...well I guess i wasn't sure you would feel the same way."

"Come on man, you know me better than that." Dean said with a nudge of his shoulder before adding more quietly, "or at least you used to."

Castiel didn't know what to say to that so he just nodded and continued their slow pace down the small sidewalk. The street was littered with small houses worth far less than what they would sell for and Castiel absently wondered about the people living inside. He was pulled out of his thoughts by the brush of Dean's arm across his and his feet nearly stuttered to a stop before composing himself.

"So- uh- how are you Cas?" Castiel could tell Dean was nervous, and did his best to ease his mind with the gentleness of his voice.

"I'm good Dean, I'm really good." He spared a glance at the man walking next to him and found his face wearing a painful expression for a split second before smoothing out and going blank. "How about you? Charlie tells me you are teaching guitar and thinking about opening up your own bar?"

Dean let out a slightly strained laugh and shuffled his feet a bit as they walked. "Yeah, well Charlie always knew how to sing my praises."

Castiel gave him a confused look and Dean just smiled and nodded. "Yeah, that's true. I enjoy teaching more than i thought, i'm thinking about doing it on a more professional level."

"That's great Dean. I'm glad you found something that makes you happy." He said it with so much sincerity he hoped Dean knew it was true.

Dean scoffed for a second before blushing some more and turning the conversation back on Castiel. "What about you though? A best selling author living in the big apple? Sounds like you got it pretty made up there Cas."

Castiel shrugged but found his lips curling into a smile. He liked that Dean was proud of him, it made him feel lighter, like a weight was taken off of his chest. "I suppose. I do like it there."

"That's good man, that's...really good." Dean said softly, his eyes on his own feet as they moved across the sidewalk.

Silence broke out again and Castiel didn't know how to fill it. They had coasted through the small talk portion of the evening, and anything said next would most likely hold a tremendous amount of implication. He didn't want to be the first to say anything more than what was already said, but knew it was only inevitable. His heart hammered in his chest as he took in a breath and stopped walking. He turned a terrified looking Dean to face him and smiled reassuringly before speaking. He didn't want him to think he was going to do anything so stupid as to kiss him and took a step back to signal as much.

"Dean, I want you to know how sorry i am for the choices i made four years ago. I have worked very hard to heal and move on, but its important to me to tell you that I never wanted to hurt you...or Sam." Dean's expression softened and he reached a hand out to place on Castiel's arm. Before he could speak though, Castiel continued. "Charlie told me that you had a difficult time letting go, and I am so glad to find you doing so well now...that you have moved on and are happy."

Dean looked like he had been hit with a blunt object for a second before shaking his head slightly and parting his lips to speak. Castiel wouldn't let his eyes travel downward to watch them form his words, knowing it would only lead to something he wouldn't be able to follow through on.

"Cas, please don't apologize man. I mean, everything that happened...it wasn't just you. And when you...God Cas I was really torn up, I was." Dean looked around him and then up to the sky and Castiel knew he was thinking about his next words carefully so he waited patiently for him to begin again. "And you're right I am happy, I like my life now."

Castiel felt like he was punched in the stomach, but his face only wore a smile he hoped reached his eyes. "I'm glad Dean."

They stared back at each other for a long second and Castiel felt their bodies moving closer ever so slowly, but pulled his gaze away just as Dean was taking a bold step forward. The tension was thick and he felt his head swimming as his eyes left Dean's. Castiel turned and began walking again and Dean was left standing behind him before catching up and falling in stride beside him once more.

Of course Castiel wanted to kiss Dean, wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him so tightly his own chest would ache against the pressure. And he knew Dean well enough to know that in that moment, Dean had wanted it too, but Castiel refused to let themselves fall back into a cycle that would leave them broken all over again.

If they gave into their desires, they would be once again left to the shells of their hollowed out remains when they would be forced to separate when Castiel left. They were never going to be forever, so why torture themselves with just for now?

"Cas, I know you have a lot going on with your mother and everything, but I'd really like to see you again before you go back." Dean said softly, there was pain in his voice like he knew he shouldnt be saying what he was, but couldn't help himself. "And maybe we could keep in touch, you know- after you go back."

Castiel knew better than to think they could ever be friends, but was unable to say anything except. "Yes, I'd like that Dean."

"Alright, so maybe we could have dinner tomorrow?" The words were said so slowly, Castiel wasn't sure if Dean really meant them but when he chanced a look over he saw the hope and fear all over Dean's face.

"Yes, that would be nice."

The lovers continued to walk down the abandoned neighborhood streets well into the morning, catching each other up on the happenings of their lives, and falling back into easy jokes and playful jabs. It was a seamless transition from estranged soul mates to whatever it was they were becoming now, and both of their steps felt lighter as they walked side by side through the night.


	31. This Time Tomorrow

Dean wasn't going to read Castiel's book. In fact he refused the first time he saw it in the window of the bookstore under the bestsellers sign. He would pass the store on his way to The Bunker and for months he would see Castiel's name screaming at him behind the large pane of glass. He began purposefully looking away, finding anything he could to distract himself when he approached the window, sometimes crossing the street entirely.

One day, he walked into The Bunker with Charlie leaning against the bar , her head hunched over the very piece of literature that had Dean planning alternate walks to work everyday just to avoid. He tried to pretend he didn't know what she was reading, but Charlie just wouldn't shut up about it.

"You haven't read it?" The words were shrill and she was suddenly backing him up against the shelves of liquor. "This is my third time Dean! You seriously-" she pushed the book into his chest. "have to read this." She looked up at him expectantly.

Dean hesitantly took the book off of his chest and looked down at the cover. He had seen it a thousand times before, but suddenly with it in his hands he could see details he hadn't really noticed before. The title was embossed over a series of very faintly scripted words scrawled across the entire cover. It looked like a journal entry. His fingers traced over the cover, reverent in their exploration before finally lifting it and looking at the inside cover.

The first thing he noticed was the picture.

It wasn't what Dean was expecting. The camera must have been twenty feet away, capturing a candid shot of Cas as he leaned against a brick wall with a newspaper in his hands. He was mostly in profile, and Dean felt his stomach drop at not being able to see Cas' eyes. The photo was in black and white, but Dean could tell there was color in Cas' cheeks, the expression on his face something he recognized as embarrassment. Dean smiled warmly at the sight, knowing Cas probably hated having to have his picture taken and only agreed to something simple like this.

His fingers grazed over the lines of Castiel's body in the photo, his expression soft and wistful as he looked down at the man who had clearly changed so much in the last few years.

"Well?" Charlie asked, pulling Dean out of his Cas induced daydream.

Dean grimaced and shot her an annoyed look. "What? You want me to read it right now?"

Charlie rolled her eyes and pulled the book away from him, leaving his hands cold and empty. "No stupid. Go buy your own copy. Give Cas the royalties!" She snickered as she turned around to place the book back on the bar. "And if you don't then I will. You seriously need to read this Dean."

She was facing him again, her eyes open and kind. "I think it'll help you see a different side of Cas...and what he was going through."

Dean wanted to snap that he knew Cas well enough, and that if Castiel wanted him to know something he should have just told him himself, but bit his tongue and just nodded vaguely.

He remembered staring after Charlie's copy of Castiel's book, wanting desperately to hold it once more.

Now, standing in his living room, with his own tattered, highlighted, and post-it noted copy in his hands, Dean opened it up and skimmed over some of the words Castiel had written about him.

There was a subtly to his words, a certain kind of understatement that left Dean feeling filled up and empty at the same time. The relationship Castiel wrote out for Miles and Jeremy wasn't exactly like the one he shared with Cas, but the intensity of their love was very familiar to him. The way the fictional couple found themselves completely consumed by one another was exactly how he used to feel around Castiel. It burned him, when Cas was close, but the heat felt so good he didn't care if he charred.

Last night, Dean didn't feel that overwhelming sensation of burning when he was with Cas. They spent the entire night walking through the back neighborhoods of Arlington, talking about things as simple as the weather, to as complicated as how each of them dealt with Sam's death and their separation. It should have been strained, it should have been difficult for Dean to breathe with Castiel standing so close to him. But instead of feeling like he was going to drown whenever Cas' arm brushed his arm, Dean felt like he was being washed clean. There was still that spark that told him he still had feelings Cas, that he still _wanted_ Cas, but the heavy weight that had always sat on his chest had lifted.

Dean lost himself in Castiel's words for what was probably the hundredth time, just barely aware enough to feel his phone vibrating in his pocket.

When he pulled it out, Dean's heart stuttered to a stop at the unfamiliar sight of Cas' name on the incoming call screen. It was like seeing a sunflower in the winter, an unexpected but beautiful shock to his system. The corner of his lips lifted in a satisfied smile as he pressed accept.

"Hey Cas." He hoped he sounded as casual as he aimed for.

"Hello Dean." Cas' voice was strained and Dean immediately tensed up.

"Whats wrong?"

He heard a quiet gasp.

"Cas?"

"Oh. I'm sorry...its just...you knew something was wrong." He spoke slowly, as if trying to find the answer himself inside of them. "I didnt think my voice would be so telling."

Dean furrowed his brow and shook his head in annoyance. "Yeah well, it may have been four years Cas but I still know you man. Whats going on?"

Dean had a clear image of Cas smiling into the phone before it turned back into the frown he heard through his words. "Its my mother. She's dead."

"Shit." Dean didn't know what else to say. "Cas...I-

"It's alright Dean. I'm okay." Castiel said quickly. "Obviously, this wasn't exactly a shock. She was in hospice care for a reason."

"I know but still...she was your mom Cas." Dean said quietly.

There was silence then, and Dean checked to see if Cas had hung up but saw the call was still connected. He waited for Cas to say something, the muscles in his jaw tightening.

"Yes. She was." His voice was cold, but Dean heard the shake Cas tried to hide. "Listen, the reason I'm calling is because i need to cancel our plans for this evening. My mother's body has been sent to the crematorium and Anna would like to spread her ashes at Cascades falls tonight."

Dean knew he shouldn't feel as disappointed as he did, knowing a death in the family definitely trumped maybe-sort of dates. "Yeah Cas, I understand. I'm really sorry...how's the rest of your family doing?"

Castiel let out a loud sigh. "Anna is taking it the hardest, but that is to be expected. Gabriel and I seem to be somewhere between general feelings of unpleasantness and calm indifference." Dean could hear someone saying something on the other end and hoped Castiel didn't have to go yet. "Sorry Dean, will you hold on a moment please?"

"Yeah, sure." He didn't know what to do as Castiel spoke with someone about insurance forms. His body felt like it was going to jump out of his skin and he stood up from the couch and began pacing his living room. When Castiel finally sighed back into the phone and apologized again, Dean released a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"I apologize for canceling our plans Dean, I was looking forward to it...but perhaps its for the best." He paused then, Dean's heart plummeting at the implication. "Gabriel has booked us a flight home first thing tomorrow morning."

Dean didn't know what to say but he knew there was no way he was going to let Cas go without seeing him at least once more. He also knew that no matter what Castiel said about his mother, his once best friend was going to need someone to lean on when he finally comes to terms with his mother's death.

"Listen Cas, I don't know if you'd want me to uh- you know...if you need someone to be with you when you do the ashes thing...i can you know...do that."

There was another pause, and Dean could hear his pulse in his ears as he waited for Castiel's reply. When it finally came, Dean heard a tremor in Cas' voice.

"T-thats not necessary Dean. You don't have-"

"I know i don't have to, I _want_ to." Dean raked his hand through his hair and let out a frustrated sigh into the phone. "I know you'd like to pretend your mother's death means nothing to you because she was a shit mother to you but...Cas, i know you. You will feel this at some point and I want to be there for you."

Dean wished more than anything he could see Castiel's face at that moment, be able to see if he hit the mark or if he truly didn't know Cas at all anymore. It was a thought that terrified him, and seemed unfounded after their walk last night, but still made his blood rush more quickly though his veins.

"Thats...thats very kind Dean. Thank you." Castiel was almost whispering, emotion lacing each syllable, and Dean gave himself a mental high-five.

"Of course Cas. What time should I be there?"

"Seven. I'll text you a more specific location when we figure it out." He was back to sounding more put together.

"Alright. I'll be there."

"Thank you Dean. I..." There was a long pause and Dean was literally on his toes as he waited for Castiel to finish. "I'll see you soon."

"Yeah, see you." Dean said quietly, waiting to hear the click of Castiel ending the call before pulling the phone from his ear.

/

It a was half hour drive to the waterfalls at Cascades, and Dean was nearly sweating through his button down and sport jacket. He wasn't sure what exactly he should wear, but figured this was serving as Naomi Novak's memorial and didn't want to show up in jeans and a t-shirt.

He began to regret his decision as he hiked his way up to the spot Castiel sent him, beads of sweat collecting and falling down his brow under the unseasonably warm spring evening. Upon reaching the clearing where the Novak family were already gathered though, Dean was pleased with his choice of attire.

Gabriel and Castiel were wearing suits as well, and a woman who he assumed to be Anna wore a simple dress. She was holding a brown wooden box and Dean felt like an idiot for how long it took him to figure out that it held Naomi's ashes. When his eyes fell back to Castiel's and rested there, he saw the sun reflecting in the younger man's bright blue irises and nearly shielded his eyes from how brightly they shined.

"Dean." Castiel said with a small smile. He couldn't help but return it with a smile of his own, his hand going up and landing on Cas' shoulder easily as he reached him.

"Hey." Dean let his hand travel down Cas' arm and brushed his hand against Cas'.

"I'm glad you could be here." Castiel took Dean's hand and interwove their fingers. The gesture sent tingles through Dean's entire body and he had to remind himself why he was there. He was supposed to be supporting Castiel through a difficult moment in his life, not going down the rabbit hole of their epic romance.

He squeezed Castiel's hand and drew his gaze to Anna. "I'm sorry to meet you under such crappy circumstances." He held out the hand not currently holding Cas'. "I'm Dean Winchester."

Anna smiled slightly and took his hand. "Hello Dean, its nice to finally meet you." He could tell there was more she wanted to say in that moment but her eyes dropped to the wooden box as she let go of his hand.

Dean turned to face Gabriel and gave him a nod. "Gabriel."

Gabriel nodded exaggeratedly in return and mocked Dean's grumble. "Dean."

"Careful you two, don't want anyone to think there's something going on between you." Castiel quipped with a roll of his eyes.

Dean scoffed but did his best to amend his behavior, Gabriel lost his mother too after all. He turned back to face Gabriel and gave him a thin but genuine smile. "I'm sorry for your loss man."

Gabriel squinted at him, and looked like he was going to tilt his head just like Castiel was so prone to do, but just blinked a few times before nodding again. "Thanks."

"Alright, well" Castiel pushed out with a breath. "I guess now is as good a time as any." He looked over to his big sister. "Anna?

"

She looked startled for a moment before glaring back at Castiel. "I think we should each say a few words."

"About what?" Gabriel asked incredulously.

"Gabriel," Anna chastised. "Despite her shortcomings, the ashes in this box belonged to the woman who gave birth to you. Don't you think it would be kind to say goodbye?"

"Uh...I think it'd be kind if she would have not been such a raging alcohol and fucked our family up. Thats what I think." Gabriel shoved his hands in his pockets and looked out over the falls that fell beside them. "Anna I'm only hear because you asked me to, I'm guessing Cassie hear is in the same boat. I don't love the woman who is in that box, and i don't have anything to say about her." Gabriel's lips pressed closed then and Dean felt himself soften to the eldest Novak.

Anna let out a soft sigh but didn't press further. She looked down at the box. "Castiel?"

Dean felt Cas's hand twitch and he brushed his thumb over the back of his hand in comfort.

Castiel kept his eyes on his sister for a long moment, licking his lips as he thought over what to do. Dean knew there were things Cas would want to say to his mother if given the chance, but didn't know if he was ready to go there. When he finally spoke, Castiel voice was like a gravel, a rough scrape against Dean's ears that sent shivers down his spine.

"I suppose the only thing i would want to say is that, in this moment i do not mourn her death. The woman in that box was never a mother to me, and her death does not represent a loss of someone great." Dean heard Anna sigh sadly, but she was interrupted by Castiel. "However, i do mourn something today. I mourn the loss of what could have been, but never was. No matter how much i told myself i was letting her go, letting everything she ever did or said to me go, there was always a piece of me that hoped i would one day know what it felt like to be loved by my mother." The confession hit Dean so hard he felt tears prickling behind his eyes and a reached his other hand to Castiel's arm.

"Its pathetic, I know," Castiel let out a bitter laugh that broke something inside of Dean and his tears began to fall slowly. "But even when i left her behind after i graduated college, even when i worked through my mental health problems, there was always a glimmer of hope that one day she would be there and I would let her." Castiel looked down at the box and then out to the falls. His voice had become shaky and uneven, the true emotion of his words showing through. "So no, I do not mourn the woman in that box, but i do feel a loss today. I have lost the hope of ever knowing my mother's love."

Dean saw Gabriel's hand reach out and rub Cas' back and Dean was grateful to him. If he could, Dean would take every ounce of pain Castiel was feeling then, he would take it all for himself and let Cas be free.

Dean didn't take his eyes off Castiel as the youngest Novak continued to stare out at the water falling before them. He hoped the sound of the falls helped soothe the roar of Castiel's soul in the moment of his confession, he hoped it would help wash him clean of his mother and all of the damage she inflicted on him.

Anna spoke next, her own words cold and calculating, but kind nonetheless. "Our mother's soul was tortured. I regret deeply that she lived her life the way she did...and hope she finds peace." She opened the box then and moved closer to the edge of the cliff where they stood. "I wish she could have had the time to redeem herself in the eyes of her children."

She turned the box over then, letting the ashes fall into the water and removing Naomi Novak from their lives forever.

/

Gabriel and Anna left Dean and Castiel on the cliff, Gabriel reminding Cas of their flight in the morning before his departure.

"Do you have to go tomorrow?" Dean said quietly, as they began to walk back towards the parking lot, their hands still connected.

"I admit, I would have preferred to spend another day here...but the flight has already been arranged and-" he looked down to their hands and smiled wistfully. "-I think its better for me to go back as soon as possible.

Dean understand what he was saying, that Cas feared what would happen between them if he stayed, but Dean didn't want to let him go yet. He knew it couldn't be forever, but he was tired of denying himself something that brought him so much happiness. He wasn't sure how to say what he wanted though so he just nodded.

"Will you be alright?"

Castiel turned his head slightly, regarding Dean's question for a moment before understanding washed over him and smiled softly. "Yes. Saying goodbye to my mother wasn't as emotionless as i had anticipated, but i don't expect a breakdown later."

Dean chuckled softly. "Thats good." They were approaching the clearing before the parking lot and he began to panic. He couldn't let this be the last time he saw Cas before God knows how long. He was suddenly breathing much harder than their exertion required and pulled on Castiel's hand to stop him.

Castiel looked at him questioningly. "Dean?"

He stared at his blue eyed lover for a long moment. Their bodies coated in the shade of the trees above them, the sun dancing in the clearing behind Castiel. He swallowed hard, knowing what he wanted to ask but afraid to hear the answer. His teeth dug into his lip as he worked up the courage to whisper it out. "Stay with me."

Castiel's shoulders sank, his mouth pulled down into a sad frown, and his own voice was hushed. "Dean..."

"Just for tonight Cas." Dean said quickly. "I know we cant...I know you have a life to get back to-"

"-And so do you." Castiel interrupted.

Dean sighed, his own life not even a factor when it came to how badly he wanted to be with Cas but didn't fight him on it. "And so do i. But i just..." He lifted his hand up to stroke across the fine edge of Castiel's jaw and felt the man shudder beneath it. Castiel closed his eyes at the touch, inhaling the moment. "Just for tonight. Stay with me Cas."

Castiel opened his eyes and Dean saw nothing but the calm waters of his own soul. This was right. No matter their life circumstances, them being together never felt wrong. It felt powerful and majestic, and sometimes overwhelming, terrifying and poorly timed, but never wrong. He was fully aware that it was likely he would have to spend his life without Cas, but that didn't mean they couldn't have one night. That didn't mean they couldn't let themselves have this one perfect moment in time.

Dean's pulse steadied into a soft hum, and he assumed it was the gentle thump of Castiel's own heart lulling him into serenity.

They stared at each other for a very long time before Castiel finally spoke.

"Alright Dean, I'll stay with you tonight."

/

Their bodies only separated in the moments where they got in and out of Dean's car. Their hands stayed connected on the drive home, neither of them speaking, but not a trace of uncomfortableness in the silence.

Castiel's finger traced the lines of Dean's wrist as he opened the door of his apartment and led them inside. They moved slowly, no doubt in either of their minds as to how they would spend their one night together, but unwilling to rush it.

Once inside Dean's bedroom, Dean pulled Castiel's other hand into his as he leaned in slowly. He kept his eyes on the enchanting blue ones before him, letting himself be lead by them like beacons bringing him home. The street lamp outside his apartment illuminated the creases of Castiel's lips, their fullness coaxing him forward. He felt his heart let out a sigh of relief as he gently pressed his lips to Castiel's.

It was soft, and slow, and so familiar despite their limited experience together. Castiel pulled his hands out of Dean's grasp to place them on his hips, bringing their bodies together more fully. Dean's hands traveled up Castiel's arms to cup his face, his thumbs tracing the contours of Cas' cheekbones and letting the butterflies in his stomach guide his hips forward slightly. He could feel Cas' tongue licking softly at his lower lip and Dean opened up for him, allowing Cas' tongue to drift inside and stroke against his own. It was so slow Dean could feel every groove of Castiel's mouth, exploring each space like it was precious. Kissing Cas again, it was everything Dean wanted and more. It reminded him of what kissing could really feel like, what its supposed to feel like when you're doing it with the right person.

Castiel's hands gripped Dean's hips harder and Dean brought his hands down to the lapels of Castiel's jacket, pushing it off of his shoulders and letting it drop to the floor. His own sport coat found the floor soon after and they were pulling away then, each of their hands working the buttons of the other man's shirt. They only looked down to the buttons when it was necessary, preferring to stare into each other's eyes as they undressed one another. When their shirts joined their jackets on the floor, Castiel dipped his mouth down to Dean's neck, worshiping his skin with soft kisses as he worked down his chest. Dean's head fell back as Cas let his tongue drag around his nipple and let out a soft moan of Cas' name.

The younger man looked up then, a soft smile on his lips as he took in the sound of his name on Dean's tongue at such a time. Dean smiled back down at him and brought Cas' face back up to kiss him again. This kiss sizzled more, his passion for Castiel steadily becoming harder to control. Dean wanted to take his time though, he wanted to make tonight last for the rest of their lives.

Castiel's hands traveled down Dean's side and landed on his hips once more as he kissed Dean back. Dean's own hands moved to Castiel's head and snaked through his hair, pulling slightly as he slid his tongue over Castiel's. He felt fingers at the hem of his slacks then and the gentle tug of his belt coming lose in Castiel's hands. When Cas' fingers ghosted over his erection as he unzipped him, Dean's hips bucked forward, a gasp escaping his lungs. Cas indulged him for a moment, palming him through his boxers before pushing both his pants and underwear to the floor. Dean stepped forward and out of his pants as he pushed Castiel towards his bed. When the back of Castiel's knee's hit the bed, Cas slid down to the mattress. Dean climbed on top of him as Castiel pushed backwards so that he was laying more fully on the bed.

With Cas beneath him, Dean could pretend that this wasn't the last time he would get to feel this way. He could lie to himself and say that what he was feeling right now, this unbelievable mind blowing moment would happen to him again. But he knew better, he knew he would never feel this way with anyone but Cas. Castiel was his perfect fit, his soul mate, there wasn't anyone else he was better fitted to make love with.

Dean pushed himself back so that he was straddling Castiel and worked open his pants. Cas lifted his hips so Dean could slide them down and pulled them off along with his boxer briefs. He took a moment to appreciate Castiel's naked body fully, letting his eyes rake down his toned chest to the sharp jut of his impossible hip bones, down to the trail of dark hair that led to Castiel's dick. It was nearly touching his stomach and Dean groaned as a bead of pre-come pulsed from its tip.

When his eyes finally made their ascent to meet Cas', he found him taking in Dean's body just as carefully. His eyes were wide, his pupils blown in lust and Dean felt his cheeks flush under Castiel's hard gaze. He forced himself to stay put though, letting Castiel have as much time as he needed to devour Dean with his eyes.

Cas reached up then, gripping Dean by the back of the neck to crash their lips together as he pulled Dean against him. When their cocks slid together this time, there was no rushed or angry jerks of their hips, it was slow and deep, their hips rolling in rhythm to the waves of an ocean. Dean sucked Castiel's lower lip into his mouth and delighted in the moan it elicited from the man underneath him.

The friction of their cocks pushing against each other without lubrication became too sensitive and Dean pushed himself up on his arm so that he could take them both in his hand and stroke them together. Castiel's eyes shut tight and his head tipped back into the pillow as Dean took his thumb and rubbed the slit of Castiel's cock open, pushing pre-come down and around their lengths to slicken them.

There were gasped and moans from both men as Dean jacked them together, his movements careful not to send them over the edge too soon. When Castiel opened his eyes to find Dean staring down at him, Dean hoped Cas saw everything he wasn't saying in his eyes. There was so much he could say to Cas then, so much he could confess and plead for but Dean kept his mouth shut. He let himself whisper Cas' name and curses under his breath as pleasure rolled through him, but never said the words that screamed behind his eyes.

Castiel pulled Dean down for another kiss, his hands roaming to Dean's lower back and raking nails up as Dean licked inside of his mouth. Dean wanted to taste ounce of him. His hand freed their cocks then, a small groan of displeasure coming from Cas mouth before he felt Dean's mouth descending. As he got to Cas' hip bones, Dean sucked them hard, hoping to leave a mark for Castiel to remember him by. Castiel let out a moan of approval and Dean moved to the other hip bone to do the same. He soothed the wound with his tongue before moving back up to hover over Castiel.

Dean stared down at him for a long moment, knowing exactly what he wanted but unsure if Cas was feeling the same way. He leaned over to his bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube. Castiel hummed his consent and Dean began making his way back down Cas' body. He kissed and licked until his nose was brushing the length of Castiel's dick. He loved the sounds Castiel made as his lips pressed along his shaft, dusting wet kisses up and down before licking his was back up to suck the tip into his mouth.

"Oh...god..." Castiel moaned as Dean sucked him down slowly. He could taste the salty deliciousness that was Castiel's pre-come and Dean wanted to milk him as much as he could before slicking up his finger with the lube and pressing it gently to Castiel's entrance.

Cas pushed himself down onto Dean's finger and if it wasn't so hot Dean might have laughed at his eagerness. He continued to work Cas' cock with his mouth, coaxing him to relax and open up as the first finger pushed fully into Cas' wet heat. Dean slid his finger out and in, crooking it to find Cas' prostate for seconds at a time so as not to send Cas flying too soon.

Castiel was writhing beneath Dean, curses spilling from his thoroughly kissed lips. He waited until Castiel was opening up nicely for him before inserting a second finger and coming off of Cas' length to look up at him. The sight was probably the best thing Dean had ever seen. Castiel was looking down at him, completely debauched and breathless as Dean scissored him open. Cas' head flew back into the pillow as Dean found his prostate again and pushed himself down harder onto Dean's fingers.

"Dean...I need...please..." Cas pleaded between gasps of pleasure. "I need...more...Dean..."

"What do you need Cas?"

"You...Dean please...I need you inside me." Castiel breathed out, his body still moving against Dean's fingers.

Dean kissed along Cas' inner thighs as he hummed his agreement. He wanted to kiss the honest-to-god pout Cas' lips formed as he pulled his fingers out and reached for the bedside table to pull out a condom. Dean let his lips linger on Cas' as he ripped open the condom and slid it on. Once he was completely sheathed, Dean settled back between Castiel's legs and aligned himself up against Castiel's entrance.

He wanted to watch Cas' face as he pushed inside slowly, but his eyes closed when Cas' hot tightness overwhelmed him. He opened them after a moment, letting the intensity of the sensation wash over him before bringing his eyes to Cas'.

Castiel was looking up at him like something so special, Dean felt a smile curl at his lips instead of the blush that threatened to come to his cheeks. Castiel had always thought him to be something incredible, and now in this moment, Dean can finally see it in the way Cas was looking up at him as he brought their bodies together fully.

As Dean's hips pushed against Castiel's thighs, they both groaned in pleasure, Castiel pushing himself down more fully as Dean rocked inside him. He pulled back slowly only to push back in again, seeing stars as he did. It was so perfect, Cas' body was made just for him, and his just for Cas. He continued to move in and out of Cas, rotating Castiel's hips so that he could angle the tip of his cock to brush against Cas' prostate. He knew when he had found it because Castiel was clutching at the sheets then, his entire body tense and squirming and Dean began moving faster.

"Oh...yes...right there...harder.. harder..." Castiel bit his lip as he moved against Dean. Dean complied and began pounding his hips into Cas', looking down to appreciate the sheer perfection that was their bodies coming together.

Dean could feel himself getting close and reached between them to wrap his hand around Castiel who let out a groan as Dean began to stroke him.

"Cas...I'm..." Dean tried to tell him he was getting close but the words wouldn't form as his body began to shake and the familiar but also entirely new sensation of a Cas induced orgasm gained speed and rendered him speechless. Castiel was panting beneath him, and Dean wanted nothing more than to make every night for the rest of his life end this way. He wanted to make Cas come undone, wanted to give him the more intense pleasure of his life.

Castiel was screaming his name then, his hand suddenly warm with Castiel's come and Dean followed right after. He cried out into the night as he rode Castiel threw his orgasm, eventually collapsing onto his lovers chest.

Their breaths were ragged as they came down from their climaxes, their chests rising and falling as their minds pushed away the negative thoughts that tried to make their way inside of their perfect piece of heaven.

Castiel's hands were rubbing circles into his back, and Dean was only minutely aware of the sticky mess between them. He pushed himself up so that he was face to face with Cas again and kissed him gently. Dean opened Cas' mouth with his tongue and they kissed deeply, Dean didnt know how long.

At some point, one of them got up to get something to clean up with but after that their bodies found one another again and wrapped themselves around each other. There were soft words spoken, but not the ones that needed to be said.

Dean knew this was never going to be more than this night, this one moment in time where they could forget all the reasons they couldn't be together and just feel.

He knew that Castiel would leave him in the morning and that they would have to go back to the lives they were leading before they reconnected.

He also knew that he still loved Cas with absolutely everything inside of him, and if he let him go again he'd never forgive himself.


	32. Just My Soul Responding

A soft pink glow pushed at Castiel's eyelids, but he kept them closed and allowed himself another moment in Dean's arms. He could hear the steady breath of the man next to him and knew he was still asleep.

He wasn't sure he could move even if he was ready to do so, his body had latched onto Deans, and he could already feel how difficult it would be to remove himself from his bed. There was a brief indulgent thought that Castiel could settle back into Dean's arms and slip back to sleep, but knew it would be better for him to be gone before Dean woke. He had no intention of suffering through another scene like the one in the woods all those years ago, and instead wanted to leave their last memory together a happy one.

With a firm press of his lips, Castiel forced himself to open his eyes. The sun was just beginning to rise, its colorful rays gliding into the room through the slats in the blinds. Castiel carefully took Dean's arm that was draped over his stomach, and laid it next to him, holding his hand for a brief moment before letting it go. He slowly edged himself out of the bed, taking his time so as not to wake Dean with his abrupt absence.

Once he was standing next to the bed, he couldn't help but to stare down at the perfectly sculpted man still sleeping soundly. Dean's brow was furrowed slightly, and Castiel thought he heard a soft whimper escape his full lips. The morning's sunrise made his skin glow, and the freckles that dusted Dean's cheeks were suddenly the most beautiful thing Castiel had ever laid eyes on. He resisted the urge to bend and kiss the brown flecks that decorated Dean's skin, not wanting to wake him.

When he finally managed to pull himself away from his lengthy gaze, Castiel looked around Dean's room as he pulled on his clothes. It wasn't decorated,just a bed, as set of dressers and a nightstand, except for the large landscape painting above the bed. The canvas stretched past the edges of the headboard, taking up much of the wall space. It was unusual, to say the least, that Dean would have such an assuming piece of art- any piece of art really- hanging in his bedroom. It was impressionistic, the stokes obvious and small as they danced around a large blue body of water surrounded by mountains. There was a small brown cottage that dotted the edge of the lake with a pier extending out into the water. Castiel's breath escaped him sadly as he took in the painting's beauty. He was sure he knew why Dean had chosen such a symbolic piece of art as the only decor in his bedroom, and it made Castiel's heart ache.

A quiet, peaceful home; its all either of them has ever wanted and the painting showed just how desperately Dean still yearned for it.

Castiel let out another sigh, buttoned his shirt, and laid his jacket over his arm. He let himself have another moment to stare down at Dean as he slept, and imagined that he was just going off to work for the day and that he would see Dean at dinner that night. He imagined this morning was just one of many that he would leave a peacefully sleeping Dean in bed, only to climb back into it with him at night.

It was a fantasy that allowed his feet to move towards the front door, picturing the look on Dean's face at his return home that evening. He imagined them standing over the kitchen counter eating cold pizza out of the box and talking about their days. He saw chaste kisses goodbye, knowing they would see each other in just a few hours. He saw arguments that ended in tangled limbs, wrapped up in sheets. He pictured an entire life together as he crossed the living room of Dean's apartment.

He wouldn't let the truth truly settle in, the reality of what was really going to happen after Castiel stepped outside this morning. He didn't want to think about how they would never know the feel of casual kisses, or familiar touches that life-long lovers get to experience. He would never have the opportunity to get annoyed at the way Dean left the toothpaste on the counter, or have to defend his taste for cinnamon flavored over peppermint.

His thought were derailed though when his eyes caught sight of something so familiar he even recognized it in the near darkness of Dean's living room.

There, laying on Dean's couch was his book.

It felt incredibly bewildering to see it laying there, splayed open as if put down in the middle of reading it.

Castiel stopped short and just stared for a long minute before walking over to the couch and picking up the book. The pages were worn, a couple torn and a few stains as well. There were passages highlighted and notes written in the margins that Castiel couldn't help but read. The words written in quickly, he could tell, the letter's strokes sloppy and barely legible.

***Why didn't he tell me this?***

***Was that Miles or Cas?***

***Thats not what I meant!***

Castiel's face scrunched in confusion at the last note and turned his attention to the words he had written that inspired Dean's notes.

It was a passage about Miles' suicide attempt and the unfortunate phone call between him and Jeremy. Castiel had fictionalized some of it, not wanting to completely share something so personal with the public, but he had used Dean's words that night in his fictional account. Looking back, Castiel knew Dean didn't mean that he couldn't be there for Cas, that when he hung up that night he was only asking for more time, but at the time it really did feel like a complete rejection, and he wrote those feelings into Miles' reaction.

He wondered how difficult it must have been to read this, for Dean to read how utterly destroyed Castiel was from the events of that day and evening. He felt guilty for putting Dean through what was probably a very confusing and difficult literary experience.

Castiel closed his eyes abruptly as he continued to read over the notes in the margins, realizing he was definitely invading Dean's privacy and not wanting to continue. He replaced the book onto the couch in the same position he found it and headed back towards the front door.

Part of him wanted to take one last look, to absorb every corner and fleck of dust in the room before putting it behind him. He could take each aspect of Dean's life in this apartment and bottle up for safe keeping, taking it with him as he fled back to New York.

The urge to continue the fantasy won out though, and Castiel smiled softly as walked out of Dean's apartment, pretending he was simply going to work for the day.

/

The flight home was something Castiel would have listed as his worst traveling experience of all time. Gabriel had booked them first class tickets, so he was enjoying the free whiskey, but could have done without the running commentary from his older brother, or the nagging sensation that he had forgotten something. It was a feeling like he left his wallet on the counter, or forgot to turn off the stove. His mind was searching for something he had misplaced, even when he was certain there was nothing he had left behind.

"Cassie, we both know what you're subtly freaking out about." Gabriel chided between sips of his cranberry and vodka. "You didn't forget anything but a tall drink of water."

Castiel furrowed his brow and tilted his head as he took in his brother's statement. "I assure you my hydration has been sufficient today." He placed his whiskey back on the fold out table though and thought about ordering some water, not wanting to be intoxicated when they landed.

Gabriel snickered and shook his head. "Sometimes i think you're just about normal, and then you go and say shit like that." He rolled his eyes as the youngest Novak's face scrunched even further in confusion. "Dean. Castiel, its that bow-legged Adonis you forgot."

Castiel's eyes widened slightly at Dean's name but narrowed again quickly. "What does Dean have to do with water?"

Gabriel huffed out a laugh and leaned in closer to his little brother, his voice slow and deliberate like a teacher presenting an extremely difficult lesson. "Its an expression. A tall drink of water usually refers to someone who is tall and extremely good looking."

Castiel's head snapped back at his understanding and then sighed. "I see." He let his head drop back to his headrest and picked up his whiskey for another sip. "Now that i think of it, I have read that somewhere...I'm just a little distracted."

"It's alright, I like when you revert back to helpless little Cassie sometimes. It gives me something to do." He smiled widely and nudged his brother's shoulder with his own. "You know," The humor in his voice had been replaced with kindness and Castiel found his muscles tensing. "I know that leaving Winchester behind has got to be difficult for you, especially since you apparently were busy little beavers last night, but I'm not sure you're doing the right thing here Castiel."

It took Castiel a full minute before he fully understood his brother's words. When he finally came to his senses, Castiel managed to sputter out, "What?"

Gabriel chuckled at his brothers bewilderment, his eyes sparkling. "I don't know Cassie, I mean- trust me- the guy isn't on my Christmas card list-"

"You don't have a christmas card list-"

"Hush. I don't like how things went down between you two and i sure as shit don't trust him to take care of you...or help you take care of yourself...but..." Gabriel trailed off and looked out the window of the airplane. The clouds were bright white and seared Castiel's eyes. "...I don't know Castiel," He looked back to his little brother. "Its obvious you two have something pretty intense. Something I've definitely never experienced. Seems batshit crazy to just give it up like this."

Castiel held his brother's gaze for a long moment before looking down at his hands folded in his lap. His fingers fidgeted as he tried to come up with something to say. He knew Gabriel wasn't going to like the reason Castiel was leaving, but he couldn't come up with anything else to explain himself.

"Gabriel, Dean and I...its very complicated." He shook his head slightly. "For one, he is still Sam's brother. I loved Sam, i met his family as Sam's partner, how would they ever except me as Dean's?" Gabriel made to speak but Castiel kept going. "Of course there is much more to it than that though. The night Sam died, I was kissing Dean...not for the first time either, I pushed Sam out into that cab so i could be alone with his brother. I'm responsible for what happened to him. I may have forgiven myself for this, but it doesn't make it any less true, and Dean- there's no way I could expect him not to blame me still."

"Have you asked him?" Gabriel asked. "He didn't seem like he was holding a grudge yesterday, especially since you two got nice and swe-"

"Of course I didn't ask him Gabriel." Castiel cut him off with an annoyed sigh. "Its not something someone just inserts into casual conversation. But I couldn't ask him to forgive me for something like that...and despite our activities together, it doesn't mean he could truly let that go."

Gabriel shrugged. "Eh, I'd say you're probably wrong there-"

"There is also of course, the matter of four years of separation." Castiel continued, his hand gesturing as he spoke. "Dean has his own life now, he is happy. I see no reason for me to come into and disturb everything he has built...and he showed no sign that he would like me to do so."

Gabriel just stared at him, taking sips of his drink slowly. His expression transformed from something akin to trying to figure out an abstract piece of art to one of utter exhaustion. "You're a fucking idiot. The both of you."

Castiel let out another exasperated sigh and finished his drink. "Say what you will Gabriel, but I'm not going to just insert myself into Dean's life."

"No you'll just insert your-"

Gabriel was silenced with a quick fist to his stomach.

The following few days were spent moping excessively and trying to forget the taste of Dean on his tongue. Gabriel tried to pull Castiel out with him twice already, despite his arguments to let him wallow for at least week first. It was a respectable amount of time, he felt, to grieve his loss of Dean again and then move forward with his life. Lucy came over the first night with ice cream and trashy movies, insisting it was the cure to a broken heart, but Castiel found himself despising the sickeningly sweet love stories and refused to watch anymore.

He took Claire to the zoo two days after he returned, hoping to take his mind off of everything and focus on spending time with his niece. Being the perceptive twelve year old she was though, he was unable to hide his melancholy from her for long.

They were walking through the reptile house when she finally confronted him about it.

"Uncle Cas?" Her tone was nervous, and Castiel prepared himself to answer a question he probably would rather not.

"Hmm?" He kept his eyes trained on the blue spotted frogs.

"Mom told me about the guy...the guy you left?"

Castiel didn't know what to say to the questioning statement and only nodded slightly to signal he would wait for her to come up with something else to say.

Claire looked around for a moment, thinking carefully about her words. "I know i don't know everything, but if he makes you happy...and without him you're...well-" She gestured towards him, " _this,_ I don't see why you don't call him."

Castiel looked down at himself, expecting mismatched buttons or a fly to be unzipped. When everything seemed to be in place he looked back to his niece with confusion in his eyes. "What do you mean... _this?_ Is there something wrong with my appearance?"

 _"_ Yeah- I mean no, like not the way you're dressed or anything just like," she shifted uncomfortably under his hard gaze, "I can tell you're really sad, you know?"

 _"_ Oh." Castiel didn't say anything else, turning to continue walking along the glass cases of reptiles. He didn't know how much he could say to his niece and it still be considered an appropriate conversation for them to have. Although, he also didn't want to treat her in a way that made her feel like he didn't trust her enough to talk openly with her.

Castiel thought over his words carefully before finally speaking again as they exited the Reptile house. "You know Claire, sometimes relationships are far too complicated to work, even if both people really want them to."

Claire scrunched up her face at that. "That doesn't really make any sense. If two people really want to be together, shouldn't they fight for it?"

Castiel sighed and curled his lips into a sad smile. "Maybe in the movies. But in real life...it isn't so simple."

"Well, I think thats stupid. I don't see a reason why you should have to give up something you really want if you could have it." She rolled her eyes in frustration. "I mean, you do realize how stupid that sounds, right?"

He couldn't help but laugh. "Yes. I am aware."

"Is this some star-crossed, give each other up for the greater good, we'll see each other in another life, bullshit?"

Castiel's eyebrows shot up at his niece's curse, but didn't say anything of it. "You think my choice not to be with Dean is overly dramatic?"

Claire looked up at her uncle as if he were the first person out at a spelling bee, a mixture of sympathy and embarrassment in her expression. "Duh."

/

Castiel made it back to his apartment, after dropping Claire at home and having dinner with her and Lucy, by eight that evening. When he approached his apartment door he saw his brother's figure leaning against his door, his body facing away from him. He was on the phone with someone and Castiel could just barely make out what he was saying.

"-know, just chill"

" No- No, seriously this isn't going to work if you're going to be such a raging vagina."

"Touche."

"Fine...any minute."

"Would I let you down? don't answer that."

Gabriel shifted then and saw Castiel coming towards him. His posture instantly changed and his face went beet red.

He spoke quickly into the receiver. "Oh- uh- mayday. ten four. rodger and out."

He hung up his phone and shoved into his pocket like he was hiding evidence of a crime.

"Baby bro!" He said not so casually, opening his arms as if to bring Castiel into a hug.

Castiel was not impressed. He groaned at his brother's appearance and ducked under his outstretched arms to place his key in his door. "Not tonight Gabriel. I'm tired and i just want to go to sleep."

As soon as the door opened Gabriel was pushing past him and walking quickly into his apartment. Castiel stood on the threshold, rolling his eyes and letting out a loud breath of irritation. "Why do I bother?"

"Beats me Cassie." Gabriel threw over his shoulder as he headed to Castiel's bedroom. "Couldn't stop me if you tried."

"What are you doing?" Castiel asked vaguely, knowing the answer would present itself soon enough. He went into his kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. "don't do anything to my pillow Gabriel or I-"

"I'd never!" Gabriel interrupted from the other room, mock hysteria in his voice. "Trust me brother, you're going to want to come with me tonight."

Castiel sighed and walked slowly to his bedroom. "And why is that?"

"Because I'm your big brother and i know what is best." Castiel found Gabriel rifling through his closet, pulling out clothes and putting them on Castiel's bed. "Now change out of your elephant stank clothes and into something i little more 'come fuck me now.'"

"I don't want to be fucked Gabriel." Castiel said as he leaned against his door frame. "Just leave me alone."

Gabriel walked right up to his little brother then, disregarding all notions of personal space. "Trust me Castiel." His voice was serious, something Castiel didn't hear too often. "Just get dressed and come out with me."

"Why?"

"I cant tell you." Gabriel winced but added quickly, "But i promise it'll be worth it. And worth it for you...not me...this is definitely something Castiel Novak wants to do tonight."

Castiel stared his brother down, pursing his lips slightly and turning his head to lean against the door frame more fully as he contemplated his brother's behavior. He didn't know what was going on, but by the way Gabriel was acting, he was sure the evening ahead of him wouldn't let him be in bed by ten. The thought made him groan, but didnt see a way out of it.

With a slow push off from the wall, Castiel nodded at his brother and began changing his clothes.

/8/8/8

Dean changed his sheets immediately.

He would never admit it to anyone but he did soak in as much of his and Castiel's sex smell as he could before tossing it in the washing machine though.

The morning Castiel left, Dean felt a rush of emotions. Happiness that their night together was so perfect, sadness that it was over, bitterness that he woke up alone, anger at himself for being disappointed Castiel didn't stay. He knew why Cas didn't stay, he knew why the writer decided to leave before waking Dean.

It was much easier that way.

He could call Cas a coward, but he wasn't sure he would have done it differently.

Goodbyes were never his thing either.

Still, his body was already itching for Castiel's touch, and his mind was clouded with images of their night together. They pushed and pulled at him until he felt like he was going to go out of his mind.

The first night alone after Cas left, Dean didn't sleep. He tried every trick he knew to help, but found himself startling awake after just a few minutes, thoughts and sounds of Castiel bringing him back to life. It was torturous. He thought about calling him, they had said they would keep in touch after all, but Dean chickened out every time the screen displayed Cas' number. He stared down at the three letters that formed Cas' name and felt soft sighs exit his mouth. He thought if maybe he could just hear Castiel's voice, or they could say a proper goodbye, he would get some sort of closure and be able to start moving on again.

The truth though, was that Dean didn't want to move on. He wanted to curl up in his bed and wallow in his own self-pity that he had let Castiel go again. Sure, he had been unconscious, but he knew what was going to happen when Castiel woke up, and he did nothing to stop it. Dean felt like he was being torn in two by his racing thoughts, the idea of regretting letting him go, and knowing it was what was best for Cas.

Charlie sent him home from his shift at the bunker the next day, telling him he was of no use to her if he kept spacing out every five seconds. He had told her about what happened between him and Cas and she read him the riot act, telling him how stupid he was to let Cas go. He wanted to yell and scream and tell her he knew what a fucking idiot he was, but couldn't manage more than a shrug as she pushed him out the door.

Once he was in his car, he found himself steering towards Bobby and Ellen's house, somewhere warm and comforting to wrap himself in.

As his car turned down their driveway he saw Ellen coming out the front door with her hands on her hips a dishrag in one hand. She watched him carefully with a half-smile as he sauntered up to the front porch. "I was wondering when you were gunna come see me."

"I know, I know." Dean ducked his head. "I'm here now aint I?"

"Yeah all thirty pounds of ya." She held out an arm to wrap around his shoulders as she led them inside. "Lets get you something to eat."

"I knew i loved you for a reason." He gave her a wide grin he knew didnt reach his eyes as he walked through the hallway and into the kitchen

"Oh don't be cute." She smack his rear with the dishtowel she still held and moved towards the fridge. "Got some leftover meatloaf."

"Turkey or the good stuff?"

"Oh its beef." She said with an irritated sigh as she pulled the container from the fridge. "Bobby wont let me get away with the turkey anymore."

"Well yeah, no one wants cardboard for dinner Ellen."

"Hey now, don't go knocking my cookin if you expect to eat boy." She pointed her finger harshly at him.

Dean raised his hands in surrender. "No-no, no knocking. I'd love to eat whatever you make Ellen."

"Damn straight." She said firmly as she made to fix Dean's plate. "So what brings you here huh? Not to say I'm not glad to see you...or that you need a reason to show up, but i have a feeling there is something going on in that big head of yours."

"Oh i don't know just- big head? You think i gotta big head?"

"The biggest." She said over her shoulder as she microwaved his food. "Go on."

"Oh, uh...its nothing. I just...wanted to see you."

"Hmph." She let out a bitter laugh. "And I'm Mrs. Claus."

"Hey! You think I cant just want a little company? Geez, maybe I'll just go see what Bobby is doin' down at the garage."

Ellen pulled the plate of food from the microwave and walked it over to Dean. She placed it in front of him and leaned down to look him in the eye. "You and I both know why you're here Dean, why don't you just cut the shit and we can get to it."

Coming from anyone else Dean might have clammed up hard at that, but from Ellen it was a warm hug presented as a swift kick in the ass and Dean smiled at her even though he was suddenly very nervous. "You know huh? What do you think you know?"

Ellen raised her brow as she backed up and sat in the chair next to Dean. "Oh, only what my gossip hound daughter tells me."

"Jo? What the hell does Jo know?"

"Only what your well-intentioned best friend tells her." Ellen said with a sympathetic smile.

"Wha-?" Dean's eyes widened and then shut quickly as he buried his head in his hands. "Charlie? Charlie told Jo about me and..." Dean didn't want to finish in case he was reading this wrong.

"Castiel? About you and Castiel's forbidden romance? Oh yes, they've been trying to figure out a way to get both of your heads out of your asses. Jo damn near tried to get us to let her go to New York once Charlie found Castiel there."

Dean peeked through his hand for a moment, expecting to see disgust or pain in her eyes but found her wearing a soft smile and an open expression. "Wait...how come Jo never said anything to me, about Cas?"

"Well she figured, rightly so I imagine, that youd just shut down and go all caveman on her. You can be quite the stubborn mule when you put your mind to it." She shook her head with a laugh. "Besides, you had Charlie and if you wanted someone to talk to, Jo knew you'd go to her."

Dean nodded absently as he picked up his fork and began shoveling the meat into his mouth. He felt like he needed to do something with his hands, with his body, before he jumped out of his skin from the shear weight of this conversation. "So...you know then. About me and Cas.." He kept his eyes on his plate, not daring to look up.

"Yeah, I know." She said softly.

"How much?"

"Well," She sighed and sat back in her chair. "I know you two fell for each other when he was still with Sam. I know something happened between you two when it definitely shouldn't have. I know that after Sam died Castiel hurt himself and then left. I know that tore you up worse than anything i had ever seen before and if Jo hadn't of told me about your relationship with him, I would have figured out you were in love with Castiel right then."

Dean chewed his food more slowly as he took in Ellen's assessment. He was terrified of what she would say about all of this. This was the woman who helped raise him and Sam. She was the closest thing he had to a mother after his own mom passed away and the last thing Dean wanted was to disappoint her. Falling for her other adopted son's boyfriend, would probably be on the list of things that would disappoint Ellen.

He decided if he was really going to have this conversation though, he was going to do it right, not hold anything back.

"We slept together."

"Shit boy!" Ellen sputtered. "I thought Jo meant you kissed or something, you telling me you were sleeping with Castiel while he and Sam were still dating?" He saw a protective anger flash over her eyes and Dean scrambled to explain.

"What?! No!" Dean said quickly, his voice raised. "After, I mean two nights ago. He came back because his mother died and we...well..." He looked back to his food and poked it with his fork.

"I see." Ellen said softly. "And he left again?"

"Yeah."

"And you're sitting here wishing he hadn't?" She placed her hand on his arm and Dean looked up to find kind eyes.

"Yeah, but its not like that matters right? I mean we cant actually be together...I mean Sam-"

Ellen raised her hand. "Listen to me Dean Winchester. I am not proud that you and Castiel had a relationship behind Sam's back. I do not like that for one minute and if he was here today I'd let him give you a square one to the jaw." She pointed her chin down and looked at him over her nose in disapproval. Dean felt like his insides were twisting into knots and wanted desperately to escape the kitchen. "But." she raised her finger and her voice softened considerably, "Sam is not here."

Dean heart sunk at the words, their truth making him feel even worse in that moment.

"I'm not going to say that he is looking down on you and just wants you to be happy...because you know there's no way to know where he is or what he is doing. But i do know that he loved you. Sam loved you more than anything else on this earth. If you and Cas had gone to him at the beginning, im sure there would have been some fire there, but you know he would have stepped aside. That boy would have done anything for you."

Dean felt tears pricking behind his eyes but refused to let them through. "I know Ellen, which makes it that much worse that I did what i did...that i feel what i feel-"

"Thats the rub Dean." She shook her head sadly. "You cant help how you feel son, and there is no sense in giving up something just because you think you shouldn't have it. It may sound selfish- but shit- you're getting old, and that makes me nearly decrepit." Ellen laughed and leaned closer to Dean. "If you love him, I mean sing to him in the moonlight kind of love him, there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't go get him."

"But-"

"No, I don't want to hear about Sam and your guilt. Thats in the past Dean. You need to leave it there. You cant change what happened, you cant change a damn thing. You can decide to move forward though, you can decide to let go of everything keeping you from what you want and just get off your ass and get it."

Dean was speechless. All this time he thought Ellen would tear him a new one if she knew the truth about what went down between him and Castiel, and here she is giving him her blessing? It felt too good to be true.

"What about Bobby?" He whispered.

"What about him?" She said with a cock of her brow. "That man don't care about anything but your happiness. He don't know the torrid details, i kept him in the dark about most of it, but if you asked him what he thought you should do right now, i bet he'd ask why you're still sitting here."

Dean could feel his heart pumping faster, his hopes soaring.

"But Cas- he has his own life now...he-"

"Nonsense," Ellen waved him off. "From what I hear that boy is so in love with you he would make room for you if he lived in a thimble."

She smiled warmly at him. "don't for one second think you arent worth the trouble of loving you Dean Winchester. Castiel would be lucky to have a man like you."

Dean didn't know what to say. The tears he had been holding back slowly welled and fell down his face and he allowed himself to be pulled into Ellen's arms. She rubbed his back and kissed his temple. When she spoke, the warmth in her voice washed away any shreds of remaining doubt.

"I think you've got some things to do son."

/

Dean had his phone out the moment his car pulled into his parking space outside his apartment. He searched until he landed on the contact he never imagined himself using.

The phone rang three times and Dean' body was nearly buzzing in anticipation.

When he heard a click on the other end his heart began to pound harder.

Gabriel Novak's voice baited him through the phone.

"Its about fucking time Winchester."


	33. Color Me In

As Castiel allowed Gabriel to lead him into Bun's and Pipes his exasperated sigh is only ignored by his older brother.

"Gabriel, if your intention is to set me up with Aaron again, I can assure you- I can manage my own dates." Castiel said to the back of Gabriel's head as he followed him towards the bar.

"No, no. Young Aaron over there is more an obstacle than a destination Cassie." Gabriel said out of the corner of his mouth as Aaron approached them.

"Castiel!" The young bartender's eyes raked over the smartly dressed Castiel, his lust not even remotely hidden. "It's good to see you."

Castiel managed a polite smile, remembering his promise to call Aaron soon to set up another date. "Yes, you too Aaron. How are you?"

Gabriel cut a hand over Castiel's chest as he addressed Aaron. "Not why we're here lad. How about you bring us a couple IPAs and I'll set you up with someone far hotter than Cassie here?"

Aaron stared at Gabriel like he had three heads and Castiel turned to his brother sharply. " _Gabriel_?"

"Hm?" The eldest Novak rolled his eyes and gave Castiel the decency of a glance before turning back to Aaron. "Seriously. Not kidding here."

Aaron's eyes narrowed and looked to Castiel for help. "Uh..I-"

"Aaron, my apologies," Castiel interrupted. "There are no limits to my brother's indecency. Please ignore him."

"You will do no such thing." Gabriel scoffed. "Actually, you will- after this conversation- and Castiel too."

"What?" Aaron asked with a baffled expression.

"Castiel is spoken for buddy." Gabriel said casually as he looked around the bar. "Like, no hope on earth for you- spoken for."

Castiel's eyes widened and he smacked his brother's arm. "What the fuck has gotten in to you Gabriel?"

"Is that true?" Aaron asked simply.

Castiel turned his gaze to the young bartender and felt himself soften. He felt bad for the guy, he really did. It was obvious the bartender had an enormous crush on him, and Castiel had done nothing to spur his advances. In fact, he had taken liberties he probably shouldn't have, and had quite the time with him in the elevator of Aaron's apartment building. That combined with the occasional make-out session by the bar's bathrooms, Castiel was sure Aaron had every reason to believe Castiel was available and interested. Of course, technically he was available, but not really. His heart was, in deed, spoken for and he most certainly wasn't interested in Aaron's company at the present time. Maybe in a few months when the sting of Dean's absence isn't pooling in his gut like poison threatening to dissolve his existence, maybe then he would call Aaron again.

"Strictly," Castiel said with a sigh. "No. I am not seeing anyone, but- I am unavailable at the present time." He gave the man a small smile. "I'm sorry for the crass way in which you found out."

"Crass?" Gabriel balked. "That was damn near sweet Cassie. How dare you?"

"Oh-um. Okay." Aaron said with a strange expression Castiel couldn't place. His voice was a good mix of disappointment and confusion, but didn't betray anything deeper on his face. "I'll- uh just get those beers then."

"Hey i wasn't kidding about setting you up buddy- I know a guy!" Gabriel called after him as the bartender turned away to pour their beers.

When his brother turned to face him, Castiel made sure to wear his most disapproving glare. "Seriously Gabriel, what's gotten into you? You drag me out- here of all places-" Castiel looked around as if unimpressed, "and act incredibly rudely to someone who certainly deserved better."

"Ah, come on Cassie," Gabriel placed his hand on Castiel's shoulder and squeezed. "I'll make it up to the guy. The bouncer at the club is recently single and ready to mingle. Your bartender will be occupied soon enough."

Castiel rolled his eyes as if to physically display how * _not the point*_ that was. He sighed though and let it go, there was no point in reprimanding his brother's behavior further. "So why here?" Castiel leaned against the bar and looked up to the stage where equipment for open mic night was being set up. "Of all the placed to bring me out of my post-Dean depression, this is the least likely place to do it."

"I'm not trying to bring you out of your little pity party Castiel." Gabriel shot back, turning to retrieve the beers Aaron placed in front of them without catching either of their eyes. "Just call me The Transporter for tonight."

"What?" Castiel asked, taking a small sip of his beer and delighting in the hopped up flavor.

"Delivering the package no matter the cost." Gabriel said in a terribly impersonated british voice.

Castiel just stared at his brother in annoyed confusion. This wouldn't be the first time one of Gabriel's references flew over his head, but something told him he really should try and figure out what it is Gabriel _wasn't_ saying. With his insistence on coming out tonight, then bringing Castiel here and making sure Aaron was no longer a viable option for the evening, Castiel was sure something was up. It was so unlike his brother to not want Castiel to screw just about anyone he cocked an eye at; it was extremely suspicious that Gabriel cut off Castiel's access to an easy lay. His stomach began to curl, reasons not completely known to him.

Castiel took another long sip of his beer before smacking his lips and sighing aggressively. "Alright Gabriel, out with it."

Gabriel just smiled widely at his little brother and shook his head. "What ever do you mean little brother?"

"Don't give me that bullshit Gabriel, what is going on? Tell me now, or I walk out." Castiel said firmly.

Gabriel's smile faltered and raised his arms up to Castiel's chest. "Cassie, have i ever steered you wrong?"

"Yes. Actually, over the course of our lives you have definitely-"

"Ugh- shut up," Gabriel said under his breath and shook his head, placing his hands on Castiel's shoulders. "Just trust me on this one."

Castiel was just about to say that he had absolutely no reason to trust his big brother and he had a sneaking suspicion if he listened to Gabriel he would end the night with glitter in his hair, but the MC for the evening began speaking into the microphone and Castiel gave him his attention instead.

"Alright guys, normally you know we have a pretty strict sign up policy but uh- tonight we have a last minute entry that made a damn good case for himself to be pushed to the top of the call list. So uh- lets start open mic night off right and give uh-" The MC looked down at his paper for a second and Castiel felt his heart rate stutter before the man's lips parted to say the name of the first performer. "Dean- a warm welcome."

Dean.

Not an uncommon name. It didn't mean it was _his_ Dean, it didn't mean the man currently coming on the stage with a familiar saunter and impossibly green eyes, was the same man that Castiel dreamed of spending his life with.

It was a hallucination, something that wasn't unknown to happen from time to time whenever he was consumed with thoughts of Dean and missing him terribly. This was just one of those times and if Castiel closed his eyes and opened them again, he was undoubtedly going to be seeing a stranger coming to sit on a stool on stage right now.

He let his eyelids fall, holding them closed tightly for a long moment before opening them again. The sound in the room seemed to mute and the hand he knew to belong to his brother began to shake him gently. He was sure there was no emotion on his face because Castiel was positive he couldn't process anything outside of basic human functions.

Castiel thought he heard his name from beside him, but couldn't be sure, the roar of his incoming thoughts drowning out everything around him.

Dean is here.

Dean has come to New York and is about to sing.

He felt hope rising, he felt it spreading within him like an unrelenting virus dominating his body. Castiel watched as Dean settled into the stool on stage and fiddled with the strings of his guitar, tuning it slightly before taking a reading of the crowd. Dean's eyes began to search and Castiel felt Gabriel waving frantically beside him. He didn't have the energy to hit him like his instincts were telling him to, instead just staring blankly as Dean's eyes met his own.

When he felt a wash of warmth push at all his senses, Castiel let out the breath he had begun to hold the moment Dean's name was spoken. He wasn't sure when it had happened, his eyes never leaving the perfect green ones baring down on him, but Castiel missed the moment Dean had begun speaking, his mind taking in words he had yet to give meaning to.

"-my first time here in New York so maybe go easy on me, alright?" Dean paused as some people laughed and clapped at his self-deprecating smile. "This-uh- this song is for someone very special to me. Someone I..." Dean just stared back at Castiel and shook his head into his wistful sigh. "Well..."

Castiel waited for Dean to say something else, but the hesitation hung there and drawled out until finally Dean was just clearing his throat and looking down at his fingers as they moved against the strings of his guitar. He felt like he was melting into the sticky mess that was the bar's floor as the raspy chords of Dean's song began to fill Castiel's ears.

/

"It's about fucking time Winchester."

The harsh tone of Castiel's older brother filled the receiver of Dean's phone and he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Is he home?" Dean asked impatiently.

"And what would you do with that information?"

"Gabriel-

"No, you listen to me Winchester, you fuck up with my little brother again, I swear to God I will tear you down one delicious little freckle at a time, you understand?"

Dean suppressed the urge to tell Gabriel to fuck off and mind his business, reminding himself that Gabriel was only looking out for Cas and he would have done the same thing for Sam.

It was then, in that moment of thinking of Sam, that Dean knew things were going to be okay. The momentary flicker of Sam across his mind didn't send Dean into a panicked, guilt ridden mess, and he found himself smiling. It wasn't as if he had forgotten the previous emotional trauma he had endured at thoughts of Sam, he just no longer felt shackled by them. He was letting go of all the pain, all the heartache and for once, he was going to be happy. There was a moment of wondering if he should feel guilty about that, but Dean pushed that aside, knowing it was another thing he needed to release himself of.

"Yeah. I got it." Dean finally said. He was hastily packing a bag in his bedroom, balancing his cell phone between his ear and shoulder. "Listen Gabe, I know i fucked up letting him go, I just-" He cut himself off, not wanting to go into his heart's inner workings with Gabriel freaking Novak. "Im not going to hurt him okay? Just tell me where he is. An address."

"Not so fast buddy." Gabriel clucked his tongue and Dean wondered if it would ever be possible to punch someone through the phone. "I'm not going to just give you Cassie's address. What if he doesn't want you to know where he lives? What if you show up and he is like 'Hey stalker- get a life?"

"Gabe, you seriously think Cas would say that shit?"

"No. I don't. But it still isn't my place to tell you where he lives." Gabriel shot back. "Ill tell you what," Gabriel's voice shifted mischievously. "I'll give you an address and I'll make sure Cassie is there at 8:30 tomorrow night, the rest is up to you."

"Deal." Dean said immediately. He walked quickly to the junk drawer of his kitchen where he kept a pad of paper and pens. "What's the address?"

He wrote it down without asking what kind of place he was supposed to meet them at, knowing he wouldn't trust Gabriel with whatever answer he came up with.

"Okay, got it."

Gabriel's voice changed then, going softer and filled with more emotion than Dean knew him capable of. "I'm serious though Dean, this better be it. I'm talking long haul here, no more games and teenaged angst, you come here...this better be it."

Dean swallowed hard as he looked down at the address he had written out, the numbers and letters blending together as his head swam with Gabriel's words. He had no intention of hurting Cas again, of letting Cas hurt him either. This was just a choice they could make together, they could chose to be together, or they could chose not to, but Dean wasn't going to live the rest of his life thinking he hadn't done everything he could to be with the man he loved. He was ready to spend the rest of his life with Castiel, if he would have him.

"Thats not a problem man." Dean said quietly.

"Alright." Gabriel said firmly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

There was a click and Dean was left staring at the screen of his phone, his hands suddenly clammy. His mind raced but his body stayed stalk still, the shock of what he was about to do holding him still while he processed his plan.

The first thing he needed to do was figure out where this address was, and what he was walking into. His feet moved then, walking to his couch and sitting in front of his laptop that sat on his coffee table. He it opened up and drummed his fingers impatiently as it started up.

Knowing he would see Castiel again so soon had his stomach turning in beautiful anticipation and he could barely stay still. There were pieces of him that worried Castiel would turn him away, but they were tiny compared to the parts that told him it didn't matter. At least, no matter what, after tomorrow night he would know what his future with Castiel was.

His computer finally came to life and Dean opened up his search engine to type in the address. His lips curled into a smile when he read the name of the location he would be meeting Cas, a plan taking shape and casting out all of his doubts.

.

/

Castiel nearly fainted as Dean began to sing. The lyrics so perfectly crafted for this moment, the moment their relationship came full circle, and he was sure Dean had to have written them himself.

 _I tried to repress it_  
 _Then I carried its crown_  
 _I reached out to undress it_  
 _And love let me down_  
 _Love let me down…_

It was true, that Dean had tried desperately to repress his love for Castiel, Castiel had too. When they finally admitted it to themselves, it was completely overwhelming in its power, its finality. They both tried so very hard to take their love apart, remove it entirely, but were never successful.

 _So I tried to erase it_  
 _But the ink bled right through_  
 _Almost drove myself crazy_  
 _When these words led to you_

He wanted to take in more than the lyrics, the sound of Dean's voice, the way his heart hammered in the familiar rhythm set especially for Dean, but he was sure Dean was telling him a story, he was telling him their story, and Castiel couldn't help but dissect each word sung from Dean's mouth.

 _And all these useless dreams of living alone  
Like a dogless bone…_

 _So come let me love you_  
 _Come let me love you_  
 _And then… colour me in_

Let me love you. Castiel repeated the lyric in his head as Dean sang. They weighed heavy in his mind but their meaning was simple.

Dean would let himself love Castiel, if Cas would let him.

 _Well I tried to control it  
And cover it up  
I reached out to console it  
It was never enough  
Never enough…_

As Dean continued to sing, Castiel latched on to each word, taking them in and holding them precious. This was a love letter sung, a ballad of infinite proportions. It was a window into Dean's soul, into his love for Castiel and the struggle he went through when he believed it wrong.

 _So I tried to forget it_  
 _That was all part of the show_  
 _Told myself I'd regret it_  
 _But what do I know_

Castiel could relate so much to the song, he felt he could have written it himself. He had told himself repeatedly over the course of his relationship with Dean how much he would regret pursuing him. Most recently though, when thoughts of throwing every reservation to the wind plagued him, and Castiel forced himself to put Dean out of his mind, his regret came from _not_ pursuing Dean, instead of holding himself back.

 _About all these useless dreams of living alone  
Like a dogless bone…_

 _So come let me love you_  
 _Come let me love you_  
 _And then… colour me in_

As Dean moved into the chorus again, singing the lyrics that were now etched across Castiel soul like a physical tattoo on his heart, Castiel focused his attention on the man singing to him. He had been looking at him the entire song, but his mind's preoccupation with interpreting the words he sang, hindered Castiel's ability to fully appreciate Dean in this moment.

He wore a simple flannel button down, blue and light red lines with a scattering of faded yellow ones, decorated his chest and upper arms. His jeans were faded, the knees nearly worn into a hole, but the threads were still holding on. His face was cleanly shaved, much too smooth to have been done that morning. As Castiel traveled up to take in Dean's eyes, he found them moist and full of something so intensely beautiful Castiel almost looked away. Dean looked as if he were worshiping Castiel, so much love and gratitude going into every word as he sang to him.

Castiel knew what was being sung to him. There was a part of him that feared it was too good to be true, that once again he had looked too much into the song and its lyrics didn't mean what he thought they meant. He didn't want to think that way, but if he let himself dive into the deep abyss that was his love for Dean Winchester, he may never resurface. That thought terrified him, letting Dean in, letting himself believe he could truly have him and then having him torn away again. It was a nightmare Castiel never wanted to live again.

Dean was almost whispering as the last words of his song echoed through the bar. The crowd was captivated, their eyes floating to Castiel as they followed Dean's gaze. He knew he should feel embarrassed under the scrutiny, but Castiel barely noticed.

 _Come let me love you_  
 _Come let me love you_  
 _Come let me love you_  
 _Come let me…_

As the last word hung in the air and Dean's fingers slowly drifted to a stop, Castiel felt himself smiling.

Gabriel's hand was slapping his back enthusiastically as the crowd cheered wildly, even in their modest numbers, able to sound like a summer storm in their applause.

Dean smiled and raised himself up from his stool, bowing subtly and looking around the crowd for an instant before landing back on Castiel. "Thank you guys, I'll- uh- get out of your hair now. Thanks for letting me sing." His smile was genuine as he waved at the crowd, throwing a wink to Castiel as he exited the stage.

"Told ya." Gabriel teased from beside him. Castiel was still watching Dean, who was putting his guitar in a case next to the stage and locking it up.

"Yes." Castiel said absently. "You did."

Gabriel pushed Castiel to face him, "You alright there brother? This okay?" His eyebrows were cocked in slight worry and Castiel chuckled softly.

"I think its a little late for you to be so worried about my reaction Gabriel."

"Maybe so, but I still gotta hear you're cool, before i leave you two to do whatever it is you two are about to do."

"I'm not going to say I'm fine because, well i don't think there is a word to describe how im feeling at this moment." Castiel turned his head to see find Dean coming towards them and his skin began to buzz at the thought of touching him. "But you should go, I want to be alone with him."

Gabriel looked over Castiel's shoulder and pursed his lips. "Yeah, alright. You call me though..if you know..." He kept his eyes on Dean as he approached the brothers.

Dean walked slowly up to stand next to them, his chest perpendicular to Castiel and Gabriel's shoulders as his eyes met crystal blue ones. Just as Dean was opening his mouth to speak, Gabriel shoved his hand out to Dean, forcing Dean to take it and shake hands with the elder Novak.

"Remember what I said Winchester." Gabriel said solemnly, before adding more casually, "Nice pipes."

"Uh- yeah. Thanks." Dean shifted uncomfortably, his hand drifting to the back of his neck and rubbing harshly after letting go of their handshake. Castiel was staring at their exchange, an amused expression on his face until Gabriel took his little brother's face in his hands and planted a hard kiss on his mouth.

Castiel pushed him away as Gabriel let out a loud smacking sound and grinned widely. "Have a good night Cassie!" He was turning and walking towards the exit before Castiel could reply.

Castiel stared after his brother as he made his hasty retreat and suddenly wished he hadn't asked him to go. Now he and Dean were alone, except for a few dozen other bar patrons, and he had absolutely no idea how to start the conversation they were supposed to be having right now. He turned hesitantly so he was facing Dean and allowed them a long stare before turning to his neglected beer and taking a small sip. He needed respite from Dean's gaze, he needed another moment before his life was decided for him.

"Cas-" Dean started

Suddenly talking to Dean about the song he sang, or why he came was the absolute last thing Castiel wanted to do. He was terrified of whatever it was Dean was about to say and his mouth opened for words to pour out, not caring what they were.

"When did you get in?" He said quickly, cutting off a very startled looking Dean.

Dean regarded him suspiciously for a moment before taking a breath and relaxing his posture. "This afternoon. Got a hotel a few blocks up."

Castiel didn't more than a millisecond pass before asking another question. "Did you take a bus?"

Dean let out a laugh. "Yeah, you know me, not getting my ass on a plane if i don't have to."

Castiel nodded appreciatively, his smiled strained as he thought of more to say. "Yes, i understand. Did you have to take off much time at the bar?"

Dean's eyes narrowed, his lips pushing together in a confused frown but he indulged Castiel's avoidance once more. "Switched a few shifts around. No big deal."

"Oh thats good. What about-

"Cas." Dean said firmly, placing his hand on Castiel's arm. Castiel wasn't sure, but he thought he may have leaned into the touch, Dean's hand grounding and centering him back to himself.

"So are we just going to avoid the fact that i just serenaded you in a room full of people?" Dean said with a sly smile that made Castiel's toe's curl.

"It wouldn't be the first time." He said back smoothly, grinning back.

"Right." Dean replied, blush heating his cheeks. "Can we maybe...go someplace we can talk?"

Castiel felt himself nodding before he realized it and snickered at himself. "Yes. I think thats a good idea."

Gabriel had paid for their drinks earlier so Castiel didn't need to worry about that but he still found himself looking for Aaron as he placed his half- drank beer on the bar. He found the bartender staring at him from only a few feet away, and Castiel smiled timidly at him before throwing him a hesitant wave goodbye.

Aaron nodded at him and returned the wave but turned his back almost immediately afterwards. Castiel felt a twinge of guilt, but Dean was placing his hand on the small of Castiel's back then and all thoughts left him.

"Ready?" Dean asked from beside him.

Castiel smiled up at him and nodded, leading them out of the bar and onto the street.

They fell into the familiar rhythm of walking side by side, the streets of New York City far more busy than those of Arlington, though. "Do you want to walk through the park?" Castiel asked, knowing they were only a few blocks away from Central Park.

"Isn't it known you shouldn't walk around Central Park at night?" Dean said cautiously.

"The park is very large Dean, and some places are certainly not safe at night, but there are places that are well lit and near the street." He assured him.

"If you say so Cas." Dean said with a smirk.

Castiel led them to the park, finding a few other couples walking along the outer path as well. Their hands brushed against one another multiple times, but neither of them took the step to intertwine their fingers.

"So..." Dean started.

"So." Castiel echoed.

"I guess i should start, seeing as how I'm the one who pushed my way into your life." Dean said with an embarrassed laugh.

"Dean, you didn't push your way into my life. That a ridiculous thing to say."

"Alright, well, whatever... I just meant i started this so i guess i should be the first to say something." Dean said quickly.

"I'm certainly not going to stop you." Castiel gave him a sheepish smile, watching as the crinkles around Dean's eyes danced under the street lamp's light.

"Right." Dean laughed softly. "Well, uh...listen I just wanted to tell you that i think what we are doing here...its just stupid. I have tried really hard not to want you Cas, I've done just about everything i can think of to let you go...but i cant." Dean paused and Castiel thought maybe he was about to stop walking but Dean kept moving one foot in front of the other. "I talked to Ellen."

Castiel's head shot over, his eyes wide in shock. "You what?! What did she say? Did she-"

Dean raised his hand to stop him. "It's cool Cas. She didn't freak or anything. She has actually known about us for awhile now."

"Seriously?" Castiel didn't know how to respond to this. He had imagined the horrific scene of Sam and Dean's family finding out about his relationship with Dean and it had haunted him, it made him terrified of ever seeing them again.

"Yeah, i mean, she wasn't happy about how it all started. She gave me some shit about that for sure...but by the end of it she was telling me to go for it."

Castiel didn't know what to say to that. One of his greatest reservations about pursuing Dean was that his family would never condone their relationship, and now that fear had been removed entirely. He still refused to let himself give in fully though, knowing there had to be some sort of catch waiting in the darkness.

"Thats...thats interesting." He finally said, keeping his tone even.

Dean shot him a look, but Castiel didn't bring his eyes to meet green. He watched his own feet move down the path, the street lamps casting yellow shadows along the way.

"Yeah." Dean said quietly. "Listen..Cas...I'm not trying to push anything on you or anything...i just, well i knew if i didn't go for this...if i didn't really try at least once I would always regret it."

Castiel understood that, because he wanted that chance too. He wanted to belive that Dean wouldnt truly allow himself to love Cas like the song suggested, but was terrified that he would want to take it back when reality set in. It didn't mean there was no chance of everything being pulled out from under them again.

"Dean, if I am to be completely honest, I was shocked to see you tonight." Castiel said softly, his hands pushing deep into the pockets of his slacks. "You didn't exactly try to get me to stay...and don't think that means I regret our night together, I've always hoped we would get another shot...that we would have a chance to get it right." Castiel stopped abruptly then and Dean easily mimicked him, their bodies turning to face one another. "It was the best night of my life Dean, and I'll never forget it... but i worry you merely chased those feelings here." He sighed as he avoided Dean's narrowing eyes. "What we have is so very complicated and if you are just ignoring the very real reasons I left because you remembered how good it felt to be together, i suggest you think harder about what it is you are saying here."

Dean grunted in annoyance. "Cas, you think i haven't thought this through?" Castiel gave him a look that told him thats exactly what he thought, and Dean sighed and nodded. "Okay maybe i haven't planned this out step by step but listen, all I'm asking for is a chance here." Dean's hand reached forward and pulled on Castiel's forearm to release his hand from his pocket. Dean's calloused fingers latched on to Castiel's smooth ones, holding his hand and stroking its back with his thumb. "Let me take you to dinner."

"A date?" Castiel's eyes widened, his lips curling into a smile without permission.

Dean grinned in response, bouncing on his toes slightly. "Yes. A date. I think its about time we got one of those...don't you?"

Castiel was desperate to agree, but also terrified to do anything other than run away as fast as his legs could take him. He looked down at their interwoven fingers and let out a shaky breath. "Dean..."

"Cas," Dean whispered. "If you don't want to be with me, just tell me."

Castiel's head shot up and his hand followed slowly, cupping Dean's face and smoothing the frown lines that formed there. "Dean no...thats not what this is." Dean stared back at him, patiently waiting for Castiel to explain himself further. He didn't know what to do but to be honest, to tell Dean exactly what it was that was keeping him from jumping in the deep end. "I'm afraid." He said softly.

"Of what?"

There was too many fears to name them all, so Castiel said the first one that came to mind that didn't betray the full extent of his heart's desire. "Of losing myself again."

Dean nodded. "I wouldn't let that happen Cas."

Castiel smiled softly up at him. He stared at Dean for what felt like an infinite amount of time, just enjoying his ability to do so. When he finally spoke, it was as soft as silk.

"Okay."

There were so many other things that could be said in that moment, but that was the only word his tongue would form.

"Okay?" Dean said hesitantly, leaning down slightly to get a better look into Castiel's eyes.

Castiel's smile grew wider and nodded once more. "Okay."


	34. I'm Gonna Be

_May 20th 2015_

 _Tonight, Dean and I go on our first date._

 _To be honest, i've never been more nervous to go to dinner with someone in my entire life. After we slept together, i think its obvious how perfectly we fit together, how well we work physically. And before I left, Dean and I were in sync mentally and emotionally as well. He was once my best friend, the person i trusted most. But that was four years ago, and I've changed so much...what if we are no longer as truly compatible as we once were? Gabriel insists the only difference in my is that i no longer hold myself in such low regard, but i feel different. I dont feel like the same man I was. I never want to be him again._

 _The thought terrifies me. There is nothing I want more than for this to work, for Dean and I to finally find our way together and settle in. I do not wish to be the man i was four years ago, or even who i was two years ago, and i refuse to backtrack to be with him._

 _I'm also worried we will fall into the very real temptation of having sex and not talking about the things we really need to talk about. It would be so easy to just say fuck it and fall into bed together without talking first...but i dont want that. I want us to really figure things out._

 _If i let myself hope for the best, that Dean really can forgive my mistakes that led to Sam's death, that Dean can truly let everything go and let himself love me, and that i can let him...if all of that happens, then maybe we really do have a chance at happiness._

 _/_

Dean stood outside the large cement steps outside of Castiel's apartment building and took in a deep breath.

This was it. This could be his last first date, this could be the first day of the rest of his life. He knew he should be more terrified, but there was a steady calm feeling that drove his feet up the stairs. He pressed the call button for Castiel's building and he was quickly rewarded with Cas telling him he'd be right out.

Dean sauntered down the steps, his legs bowing out comfortably as he moved. When he made it to the bottom, he leaned against the brick post next to the stairs and watched the people as they passed on the sidewalk. Castiel lived in Williamsburg, an area that had become extremely popular with the younger crowd. Of course, it was also ridiculously overpriced and Dean assumed Castiel was getting a shoebox apartment for the price of a townhouse in Arlington, and probably a mansion out where Bobby lived. He shook his head incredulously as Castiel appeared at the top of the steps, opening the large black door and closing it behind him. Dean turned to face him and smiled up at Castiel easily.

"Hey ya Cas." He said overly flirtatiously.

Castiel smiled, his brows cocking in mock annoyance. "Hello Dean."

Dean laughed at Cas' eye roll and watched the slender man walk down the steps, his dark jeans and blue button down fitting his body perfectly. "Ready to go?"

Castiel took a deep breath as he reached Dean at the bottom of the stairs, the older man's face bright and full of anticipation. "Yes."

"Awesome." Dean said as casually as he felt, "Lets do this thing." He held out his arm for Castiel to take and smiled at him expectantly. When Castiel just stared at him like he was offering an explosive device, Dean didn't let himself worry. "Come on Cas, we aint got all day here."

Castiel chuckled softly at that, breaking the spell of his hesitation. He hooked their elbows together without effort. "Are you going to be this obnoxious our entire date?" His voice was playful as he teased Dean.

"Probably." Dean answered back quickly, his smile wide. "See, not much has changed Cas."

Castiel laughed again and let Dean walk them down the street. "Good to know."

"So, you still good with the Italian place?" Dean asked, the heat from Castiel's arm locked with his sending warmth throughout his body.

"Yes." Castiel answered. "Its a short walk from here and the bread is probably a good enough reason to move to New York." Dean smiled and nodded, trying not to notice the way Castiel's blushed at his own words. "I mean to say that it is -um- very good."

Dean figured Castiel was embarrassed because he mentioned moving to New York, and didn't mean to suggest that he wanted Dean to do so, but Dean was unphased. The truth was that he would happily move to New York City if it meant being with Cas.

He was sure to keep his voice even as he smiled over to Castiel again. "I think it would take more than bread to get me here Cas." Dean let Castiel fluster for a moment before adding, "How's the pie?"

He felt Castiel relax next to him as he snickered. "World famous."

"Then I'm sold." Dean answered smoothly. He looked over to Cas right after he said it and found the younger man staring at him. He knew Castiel was trying to get a sense if he was serious, if he would really move to New York, but Dean didn't think the sidewalk outside of a tattoo parlor was the best place for that conversation.

"If you fall on your face, I'm goin with you." Dean said, pulling his gaze from Castiel. "Eyes on the road Cas."

Castiel blinked a few times and then did as Dean suggested. "Its just another block or so." He said quietly.

"Good. There was a free breakfast at the hotel but it was seriously lacking."

"How did you spend your day today?" Castiel asked, throwing his arm out to block Dean's path before he walked across the street and right into a racing taxi.

"Oh, shit." Dean said quickly. "Those fuckers just go don't they?"

Castiel nodded. "Yes, its important to look first."

"No shit." Dean said with a huff. "Uh- my day? I did some tourist stuff, walked around Times Square."

Castiel led them across the street. "Oh I'm sorry, i should have offered to show you around...i just-"

"Didn't want to spend more time with me than necessary?" Dean finished.

"No." Castiel said with an eye roll. "I just hadn't planned on your visit and I had a meeting with my agent this afternoon."

"Agent? There are writer agents?"

"They are called literary agents, but yes. It made the process of getting my book published far easier than if i had attempted to do it on my own."

"How'd you get one?" Dean knew little about getting something published, he just assumed you could just send your book to one of the publishing companies and get it done if they liked it.

"Gabriel knew someone who was taking submissions in my genre. Thankfully Daphne liked it. She then took on the responsibility of shopping around for the best contract from a few different publishers, then advising me on which firm to sign with." Castiel stopped them in front of a small restaurant with a wooden sign above the door. "Unfortunately, the publishers i ended up signing with are expecting another book by the end of the year and I haven't even started anything beyond an outline."

"That cant be good." Dean said with a tilt of his head. "Your agent pissed?"

Castiel laughed. "Not pissed, no. But she did threaten my genitalia if i didn't come through."

"Ouch. Chick means business." Dean looked past Castiel towards the restaurant.

"Usually, yes." Castiel turned to face the door of the restaurant, sliding his hand down Dean's arm and pulling his hand into his own. "Shall we?"

Dean stared at him for a long second before answering. They had settled so easily into conversation he didn't have time to feel nervous on the walk over. But now, having Cas looking up at him, their hands clasped together, Dean felt butterflies dancing around his abdomen. Castiel's eyes shined in the fading light of the day, and Dean felt his entire body tingle with affection. He tried to tell himself it was just dinner, that nothing earth shattering would be decided over a bowl of spaghetti, but Dean was sure this was going to be the most important dinner of his life. His head began to swim with doubt and reassurances, floating in and out and across his brain as quickly as they entered.

When he didn't say anything after a moment Castiel's expression changed into one of tempered fear. "Dean?"

Dean just stared at the younger man for another long minute, a smile slowly pulling at his lips as he felt his nerves lessening. Looking at Cas, even when he could see a sad worry pulling at his eyes, made everything in Dean feel lighter. Just being around Cas made Dean feel like he could do anything, be anyone, and he never wanted to let that feeling go.

"Yeah." Dean finally said quietly, still grinning softly. "I'm ready."

/

Dean wasn't disappointed when their dinner conversation didn't involve their future together. They filled their dinner with laughter and comfortable silences. They talked about Dean's love of teaching music to willing kids, and his dream of opening his own bar. Castiel shared his idea for his next book, a dissection of solitude and what life would look like when living completely alone. Dean encouraged him, despite his feeling that it would be incredibly difficult to write a book with only one character and nothing but inner monologue.

When the bill came, Castiel insisted on paying, claiming that Dean had spent enough getting here and on the hotel. Dean let him pay, but only if Cas agreed to let him buy them ice cream. Castiel agreed, leading them to the Tasty Delight shop a few blocks away as they left he restaurant.

When Dean read the sign out front he stopped short and let his face morph in disgust. "Frozen yogurt? You've got to be kidding me Cas. Do I look like a house wife watching her waist line?"

Castiel rolled his eyes and pushed Dean forward, who had dug in his heels and resisted. "Just trust me Dean. You'll love it."

"I thought you understood me Cas." Dean whimpered. "I thought we had a connection."

Castiel snickered and shook his head as he pulled open the door to the shop. "I'm so glad to see you've toned down your dramatic reactions to food in my absence."

"Caaaas." Dean whined as he was escorted inside. "Don't make me."

Castiel ignored him and turned to the girl behind the counter. "I'll have the butter pecan, he will have the cherry pie."

"Pie?" Dean perked up slightly before slumping back again. "Its not real pie, is it? Its some imitation pie that I'm going to want to murder with your face."

Castiel turned to glare at him and held out his hand expectantly.

Dean stared down at Cas' outstretched hand and raised his eyebrows. "Oh no. I said i would buy ice cream, not this frilly shit."

Castiel huffed out an annoyed sigh and stepped forward, reaching his hand behind Dean and slipping it into his back pocket. Dean's heart lurched in his chest, almost as if it was trying to connect with Castiel's. At this distance, he could smell Cas' shampoo and he inhaled the clean citrus scent slowly. It wafted through him, pulling him forward so their chests brushed together.

Too quickly though, Castiel was pulling back, Dean's wallet in his hand and pulling out a ten dollar bill.

Dean pretended to be affronted as Castiel closed the wallet and handed it back to Dean, but knew he was barely containing his delight. Castiel turned back to the girl and handed her the bill. "Keep the change." He said with an overly sweet tone and Dean rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, go ahead, spend my money on your shitty yogurt crap. I bet they don't even use real milk. Its probably soy, or almond, or gluten free-soy free-calorie free-baby milk- or some shit."

Castiel rolled his eyes dramatically. "You're an idiot." The girl handed him their cups of frozen yogurt and Castiel passed Dean's to him. "Eat it and shut up."

Dean took it with a large frown on his face but allowed himself to be led back out onto the street. He looked down at the cup which held an unnaturally bright red colored frozen concoction and Dean knew he was about to taste something he would rather just throw in the garbage right then.

Castiel made a noise next to him though that pulled him out of his fantasy of chucking the bowl onto the windshield of the nearest taxi. He turned to face him and found Castiel moaning around his spoon, lips plush around the white plastic. Dean's mouth went dry at the sight, imagining those lips soft and wet around him.

He must have had made some sort of sound that betrayed his train of thought because Castiel was looking at him a second later, a knowing glint in his eye. "You'd be just as satisfied if you'd try yours already."

Dean blinked rapidly, painfully pulling his gaze away from Castiel's mouth and back to the abomination in his hand. "You're lucky i like you." He grumbled as he picked up his spoon and held it at mouth level. He shut his eyes and cringed as he brought the spoon inside of his mouth, closing his lips around it and pulling it back out again, letting the frozen yogurt coat his tongue.

Dean's eyes shot open as his taste buds absorbed what he had given them. If it wasn't for the texture, Dean could swear he had just put a piece of cherry pie in his mouth. The flavor burst on his tongue and he was quickly throwing in another bite to be sure he wasn't imagining how delicious the desert was.

"Holy crap." He said around another large mouthful. "Cas." He moaned as he quickly pulled another bite to his mouth and shoved it into his mouth. "Man, i'm sorry. You were right...this is...oh my god." Dean couldn't finish, instead opting for another bite.

Castiel chuckled beside him, taking another bite of his own frozen yogurt and beginning to walk. "Shall I leave you two alone?"

Dean followed after him. "You come here, like every day right?"

"Not everyday, but I bring Claire here at least once a week." Castiel answered, licking his spoon clean before placing it back in his cup. "She prefers the mint."

Dean tried to pull himself out of his pie flavored bliss and back to Cas. "So you guys have gotten pretty close then?"

"I'd say so, as much as a grown man and a twelve year old can I guess."

"She want to learn guitar?" Dean said before he could stop himself. It was crazy presumptous to think Castiel wanted him around long enough to teach his niece how to play guitar.

Castiel's body tensed obviously but then relaxed. "I do not know of any musical interest on her part."

Dean didn't say anything to that, just stuffed his mouth again with cherry awesomeness.

They walked quietly down the street back in the direction of Castiel's apartment. Soon their bowls were empty and Dean was already planning his next trip to Tasty Delight.

"They got any other pie flavors?" He asked as he threw his bowl into the trashcan on the street.

"The flavors change often. I'm sure there will be more to your liking." Castiel assured him.

Castiel stopped then and turned to face Dean. "I know we have a lot to talk about still...would you like to go back to my place for that?"

Dean nodded instantly. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Castiel smiled timidly, something Dean chalked up to nerves and led them back to his apartment.

When they arrived, Castiel held open the large front door for Dean and let him pass. Dean began to walk up the stairway but Castiel stopped him, "I'm right here." He said softly, leading Dean down the hallway to the single door on the left wall.

"Bottom floor?" Dean said surprised. "Have to cough up a shit ton for that huh?"

"More than I should probably." Castiel shrugged. "But I've got nothing else to spend it on really."

He played with his keys a moment before turning back to Dean. "Dean..." Castiel's eyes wouldn't meet his and Dean felt his body tensing. He wasn't positive he knew what was going on behind the most brilliant blue eyes he had ever seen, but he thought he had a pretty good idea.

"Cas," Dean placed both of his hands on Castiel's upper arms. "Nothing has to happen, unless we want it to. There is a lot we need to talk about." Dean smiled as Castiel relaxed beneath his hands. "Besides, its still only our first date- I'm no whore."

Castiel gave him a pointed look and Dean chuckled. "Okay, maybe I'm a little bit of a whore. But not right now, scouts honor."

His smile stayed in place as Castiel turned and unlocked the door to his apartment, pushing open the door and turning on the light as he entered.

Dean had never seen a New York apartment in real life, but he knew they were notorious for being ridiculously small and cramped. He wasn't prepared for the room he walked in to. The first thing he noticed was the hardwood floors under his feet. They expanded across the entire apartment, dipping down a step into the living room and up one into the kitchen where a small bistro table sat against he wall.

There was a set of double windows to the left, large curtains on either side, the color of faded moss. The apartment was decorated in a way that made Dean narrow his eyes and wonder if he had walked into someone elses place.

"It wasn't me." Castiel read his mind. "Gabriel hired someone to decorate the place so it wasn't just white walls and a mattress on the floor."

"I was about to say..." Dean looked around, taking in the crisp white kitchen and the balanced earth tones that colored the living room and hallway. There was an opened door at the end of the hallway and Dean could make out the end of a bed and a dresser against the back wall. There was a shut door next to it, that Dean assumed was the bathroom. "Its nice though, much bigger than i expected."

Castiel shrugged again. "My book did very well." He turned towards the kitchen and Dean heard a cabinet open. "Coffee?"

"Sure." He answered, crossing the living room and standing in front of Castiel's bookcase. He fingered through the spines, reading titles and taking notes as to what Castiel had been reading. "Anything to recommend?" Dean asked.

He felt Castiel's eyes on the back of his head for a moment before his voice was muffled as he resumed making their coffee. "Have you read 1Q84 yet?"

Dean searched for the novel on the bookcase and pulled it out. "No, whats it about?"

"Its a fantasy, rather cleverly told in my opinion." Castiel said from the kitchen. "I think you'd enjoy it."

"Kay." Dean said absently, reading the description quickly. It did sound pretty interesting. He placed the book back on the shelf but Castiel's voice stopped him. He was making his way over to Dean, two cups of coffee in his hands.

"Take it." He urged. "I've already read it, and it is only collecting dust on my bookshelf."

Dean thought about that for a second before nodding. "Thanks." He pulled the book down and placed it on the coffee table before taking his coffee from Cas.

They sat together on the couch, keeping a respectable distance between their bodies. Dean sipped his coffee, taking a much longer time to suck in the hot liquid than was strictly necessary.

Now that the moment was here, the time for them to have that chick flick moment he had asked for, Dean felt his nerves returning.

Castiel broke their silence with a sigh. "I guess if we are going to do this, one of us should probably say something...and seeing as how you started last night, i guess i should be the one this time."

"I'm definitely cool with that." Dean answered around his cup of coffee, looking at Cas out of the corner of his eyes.

"Yes, I assumed you would be." Castiel said with a grunt.

There was another long moment of silence where they each sipped their coffee and didn't make eye contact and Dean was sure this could be used as some form of torture. Finally, Cas cleared his throat and Dean felt his heart begin to beat wildly in his chest.

"Dean. You coming here, I find I am utterly confused by it." Castiel shifted on the couch, pulling his leg up so that it rested more fully on the cushion. "I am extremely pleased to hear Ellen's reaction to our history, but there are other things that keep us apart."

"Like what?" Dean asked, angling his body to face Cas'.

Castiel took a deep breath, obviously summoning a reserve of courage to continue with his next statement. "Like...Sam. Like how it was my fault he died. Are you really ready to forgive me for that?" Castiel's face was pained and Dean had to repeat his words in his mind before believing they came out of Cas' mouth.

"What? Cas...no." Dean was shaking his head and placing his coffee on the table. "How can you...You think i blame you? You think you are to blame for Sam's death?"

Castiel looked at him with a confused expression. "Of course, I mean...i have forgiven myself after a very long period of self-loathing, but it doesn't change the fact that it is true. If i hadn't of pushed Sam away that night, he wouldn't have gotten in that cab."

Dean's head was in his hands then, shaking slowly. "Cas, we cant know stuff like that. I mean, what if Sam would have died no matter what? What if he would have died a lot sooner if not for you? You cant go through life thinking about that butterfly effect crap."

Castiel stared at him. "But-"

"No." Dean said firmly. "If you want to believe its your fault...i guess i cant change your mind. But me? I don't believe it for a second. What happened to Sam was no one's fault but that stupid ass Cab driver."

Castiel looked down at his coffee cup, his expression contemplative. "You really believe that?"

"Yeah man, of course." Dean said quickly. "I know i said some shit right after it happened, but i was so messed up. I mean i was blaming us...i know how wrong that was now but i was so fucked up Cas. I'm sorry...i'm sorry for what i said to you."

Castiel's eyes were on his then, an amazed wonder shining bright behind them and Dean felt like his soul was being kissed.

Cas' voice was quiet. "Thank you Dean."

Silence settled between them again, and Dean was the one to break it this time. "You said there were other things that kept us from being together. What else is there?"

Castiel sighed and pulled his cup to his lips again. "Our lives."

"What?" Dean asked, a puzzled expression on his face.

"Dean, we've lived apart for four years. So much has happened, we've built lives on our own. We cant expect each other to just drop everything for one another."

"Cas." Shook his head quickly. "I'm not asking you to give anything up."

"But that would mean you'd have to, and i cant ask that of you either."

"That would be my choice to make, not yours." Dean said slowly, looking straight into Castiel's eyes, his words firm and deliberate. "Its not that I cant live without you Cas, because i can. I have and i could do it again. You've proven that too...you're happier than you have ever been and that has shit to do with me."

"Dean-" Castiel tried to interrupt but Dean ignored him.

" Its not that I cant- Its that I don't want to. I don't want to live without you Cas, and for once i am going after what i want here. We could go our separate ways and live whatever lives we end up living, but i know where i would be happiest...where i want to end up at the end of the day. Where i want to call home."

Castiel eye's widened, and Dean could see tears in them now, but then Cas was shaking his head and looking down at his hands again. "But Dean you already have a home-"

"I've never seen a place as my home Cas. It was all different crappy apartments until we landed at Bobby's but even then that house was never my home. People have always been my home. My parents, Sam, Bobby and Ellen...you. Cas, my home is wherever you are."

There was a quiet gasp escaping Cas' lips then and his mouth hung open in shock. Dean didn't know if it was good or bad but he had finally said what he needed to say and he wasn't going to take it back. This was his hail mary pass, and he was going all in here.

Dean moved closer to Castiel on the couch, pulling the coffee cup from his limp hands and bringing their hands together. "Cas, I love you. I'm in love with you, always have been and I think its fairly obvious thats not changing." Dean waited a beat as the words filled the air around them and Castiel's lips began to quiver.

He had said everything he could and now he just needed Cas to tell him how he felt. He waited for Castiel to speak but words never came and Cas looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He wasn't even sure Cas was breathing for a scary second there, before Castiel sucked in a shaky breath. He still didn't say anything though and Dean found himself asking a question he was suddenly terrified to hear the answer to.

"Do you love me Cas?"

Castiel's brows furrow then as if asked something in a foreign language, his head tilting as he pondered the apparent audacity of Dean's question. When he spoke his voice was calm and firm, not emotionless but strong in its delivery. "Dean, I'm sorry if I've led you to believe it possible for me not to love you in return." Dean felt his heart expanding, his shoulders releasing tension he hadn't realized he was holding. "I've always loved you, no matter how much I've tried not to, its always been you."

Dean stroked his thumb over the back of Cas' hand, looking back down at their joined hands for a moment before looking back up at Cas' waiting gaze. His eyes were bright with hope, but there was also something stronger shining through, something he was sure looked like fear. "If thats true Cas, why do you look so terrified right now?"

Castiel gave a sympathetic smile, that barely hid the anxiety all over his face. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to look so afraid." He sighed and rubbed his thumb over Dean's hand. "What I said before, about losing myself...its something that truly frightens me. I don't wish to be lost in my love for you, I don't ever again want to feel like my sole reason for living is to be loved by you. And I worry that being with you, actually calling you my own, will make it impossible to recover when i lose you again."

Dean started at that. "Who's to say you'd lose me?"

Castiel gave him a sidewise glance, but his eyes were not unkind. "Our track record isn't great Dean. Someone is bound to get hurt in the end."

"Cas," Dean was shaking his head then, scooting closer to him on the couch. "You're looking at this like its doomed, like we don't have have a chance before we even start. Thats not fair...its not-"

"Its all I know to do Dean. I'm just protecting myself. Say you do move here, start a life with me and leave everything you've ever known behind. What if you end up hating it and resenting me? What if you leave me again?"

"Cas." Dean said firmly. "Thats not going to happen...but say you're right about the part that leaves you alone again. You'd be alright man, you would. You are so much stronger than you know, way more than me. If something happened to us, you'd survive. I know you would."

Castiel looked at their hands again, obviously struggling with believing that statement. Dean continued, "But as far as me resenting you and and all that crap- that shits not going to happen Cas. I don't think you get what I'm saying here...I want you and I want you forever. I'm talking, grow old together and feed each other vanilla pudding because our teeth have all fallen out, forever."

Castiel threw him a look of amused disgust. "Nice imagery."

Dean shrugged. "Hey don't knock my fantasy man, its what I want."

"Really? Thats what you want?"

"Yeah, that and a few other things along the way but the general idea is there. You and me forever, thats all i'll ever need."

Suddenly it was like a switch had been flipped. The edges of Castiel's mouth pulled up at the edges and Dean was suddenly looking at the radiate smile he had only seen once before on Cas.

In an instant Cas was on him, his lips soft but hard with force against his own and he sounded like he was choking back sobs but Dean didn't care because it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. His arms wrapped around Castiel's back as Dean allowed Cas to push his back into the couch. Castiel's hands were at his face, kissing every inch of skin like he didn't have a lifetime to devote to the job.

When Cas finally made his way back to Dean's mouth, Dean reached up and slid his hands through Cas' hair, running his fingers through the mess of black and moaning into Cas' mouth as Cas' tongue stroked across his own. Dean let his legs fall further apart, allowing Castiel to settle between them fully, and bringing their hips together.

They kissed sloppily, the excitement of their decision to be together, to finally allow themselves each other, overcoming all other senses. Dean moved his hands down to Cas' hips to pull him down hard against him, bucking up his own hips as he did, so that their groins grinded together in a shock of raw pleasure.

Castiel was moving then, pulling Dean's shirt over his head and helping Dean with the buttons of his own. Dean felt like he was in a daze, knowing that this wasn't the last time he would be undressing Castiel. That as Castiel pulled Dean's pants and underwear off of him and took Dean into his mouth, it wouldn't be the last time he got to see those perfectly pink lips wrapped around him. It was a beautiful comfort, a simple feeling of home, that Dean had always known he was missing.

Later, as Castiel worked him open and kissed Dean's stomach, whispering reverent praises in his ear, Dean knew he and Cas were absolutely made for this. To love so deeply and completely. It was in them both, this ability to love unabashedly, so fiercely. It wasn't just that they had found the one person who could bring such admiration and worship out of them, it was also that they had purposefully chosen one another only moments ago. They had made a choice, Dean had chosen Cas, Cas had chosen Dean. It wasn't forced upon them or the alignment of stars that pushed them together, it was them. Two men, making a choice about how they wanted to spend the rest of their lives.

And for Dean, it meant so much more that they had done it this way, that they didn't just give in years ago and let themselves be washed away in lust and forbidden love. They didn't find each other again because it was impossible not to. It was deliberate, it was on purpose, and now it was forever.

As Cas finally slid inside of him that night, for the first time filling Dean up with so much more than just himself, Dean knew what it was to feel whole.

He was safe now.

He was home.


	35. You're the Reason I Come Home

_October 25th 2016_

 _Dean insists we carve pumpkins and put them outside our door, but I'm fairly certain thats the same as leaving food or trash outside your door. The landlord would probably frown on it. Although if I'm being completely honest with myself, I know that no matter what I say, there will be a pumpkin carved to look like The Slash outside our door Halloween night. I've been told to 'pick my battles' and I think this may be one of those things its better to just let go and let Dean have his way._

 _But he is definitely cleaning up after it if its smashed into the floor of our hallway again._

 _/_

The pumpkin did get obliterated into their hallway by a teenager wearing a Nixon mask. Dean chased the kid down the street for half a mile before Castiel's yells and his own knee's screams forced him to give up.

"You little shit!" Castiel heard Dean call after the teen, watching the masked figure run off into the night.

Castiel restrained the impulse to say 'I told you so', and only rubbed Dean's back as he made his way back into their apartment. "You almost had him."

Dean slumped against their kitchen counter, his breath still ragged. "I did didn't i?"

Castiel felt the familiar burst of affection at Dean's hopeful gaze and he nodded easily. "Ice?"

"Yeah." Dean hobbled over to the couch and propped his knee up. "And uh- maybe some of that cider?" He asked in a sweet and helpless kind of way that made it impossible for Castiel to refuse. Dean,of course, knew what he was doing and did it on purpose.

Castiel chuckled to himself. "Sure. Hold on."

He pulled open the freezer to grab a bag of frozen peas and threw it in Dean's direction. "Incoming."

Dean caught it easily. "Thanks babe."

Castiel smiled, never getting tired of hearing the endearment. He opened the kitchen cabinet to grab Dean's favorite mug. It was one given to him by one of his students, a picture of a guitar on one side and #1 Teacher on the other. Dean was beaming when he brought it home last Christmas.

Castiel poured some cider into the mug and microwaved it to get it hot before bringing it to Dean. "Have you finished packing?"

"Uh...yep." Dean said not so casually, taking a sip of his cider and turning on the TV.

"Dean, we leave in the morning." Castiel chastised.

Dean gestured towards his leg and pouted, sticking his lip out in a way that made him look both ridiculous and adorable at the same time.

"Dean." Castiel tried to keep his voice firm, but knew he was so close to breaking into the giant smile threatening at his lips.

"Cas." Dean mocked.

"I'm not packing for you." Castiel said, crossing his arms and giving Dean a hard look.

"No, i mean why would you? Its not like your boyfriend just got injured protecting this home from hooligans." He said dramatically, a smirk pushing the corners of his lips.

"You're impossible." Castiel said with a sigh, turning away so Dean wouldn't see his grin. "And don't think this injury will release you of your promise to clean up the hallway."

"Caaaass." Dean whined. "I'm practically on my death bed here."

Castiel laughed in spite of himself and leaned over the couch to kiss Dean's shit-eating grin off his face. "I'll pack. But im not cleaning."

"Deal." Dean said with a smile, pulling Cas back down for another kiss.

/

"I don't know why i let you talk me into this. This is batshit. This is not happening." Dean rambled incoherently from the waiting area at their gate. "Just shoot me Cas. Shoot me and get it over with." Dean clutched his backpack in his hands and curled himself around it. Every time a airport employee's voice came through the intercom his body tensed with worry. Castiel's hand was on his back, rubbing soothing circles as he tried to calm down his boyfriend.

"Dean, you know its very unlikely-"

"If you say some shit about it being more likely to be killed by a bull than a plane crash im going to sock you Cas." Dean knew he was rocking, but couldn't bring himself to care. He hated this. He hated Cas for making him do this and he hated Charlie for getting married in fucking Montana. He couldn't take off enough time at the bar he was working at to make the long drive there and back, and he was stuck flying.

"I wasn't going to say anything like that." Castiel said in a deep baritone, his voice barely above a whisper. "I was going to say that it is very unlikely that you'll be able to continue this mental breakdown with your cock in my mouth."

Dean's head shot up and looking into Cas' darkening pupil. "Say what?"

"Well, in a moment they are going to begin boarding our plane." Dean's gaze darted over to the gate's door where there were in fact people beginning to line up, he let out a whimper but Castiel continued. "And you can continue your downward spiral, or you can listen to my instructions. Trust me when I say those instructions will lead to my mouth being properly fucked."

"Jesus Christ Cas." Dean looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, shifting in his seat to adjust his pants as they became tighter around his crotch.

Dean had gotten used to Cas' dalliance in dominating him from time to time, and Dean had found it more arousing than he thought he would. Sure, there were times when he liked to get thrown around a little during a particularly rough night of sex, but he had never experimented with a real dom/sub relationship. It was something Castiel had brought up after being dragged to that god-awful Fifty shades of stupid movie with his sister, and Dean agreed on a trial basis.

Turned out, Cas was a natural dom, and Dean nearly came untouched just from Cas' instructions. It had become a game for them since then, Cas instructing Dean on what to do, or telling Dean what would be done to him, sometimes in a room full of people in hushed whispers, or through text messages throughout the day. This game had taken many different shapes and forms, but it always ended with mind blowing orgasms and near unconsciousness.

Dean had never had such a satisfying sex life, Castiel filled all of his needs so completely, they almost had their own language when they were in bed together. They conversed with their bodies, subtle touches or quirk of the brow, and making love or fucking like rabbits never felt so good.

The flight attendants voice was coming at them then, and Dean closed his eyes with a groan. "We will begin boarding flight 257 nonstop to Ravalli County, Montana momentarily. Passengers please have your boarding passes out and ready to be scanned."

Castiel pulled Dean's chin towards him so that he was facing Castiel. "Look at me Dean." His voice was smooth and seductive and despite how terrified Dean was about what he was about to do, he found himself melting under Cas' touch. "We are going to stand up in a moment, but first, I'm going to remind you what I'm going to do be doing to you soon. Are you paying attention?"

Dean's breath was coming faster as he took in Castiel's words. He nodded, clutching his backpack tighter to his body.

"Good. First, I'm going to ask the flight attendant for a blanket when we are seated." Castiel licked his lips and Dean felt it in his groin for a moment before he saw the flight attendant move towards the door out of the corner of his eye. His body tensed immediately. "What am I going to do first Dean?"

The question startled him at first but then he remembered. "You're going to ask for a blanket."

"Good." Castiel stood up and held out his hand for Dean to take it. When Dean just stared at him for a long moment, Castiel leaned down to place his lips against Dean's ear. "Once I have the blanket, I'm going to reach under it and place my hand on you."

Dean swallowed hard, his pulse quickening as Castiel's hot breath tickled his ear. Castiel stood back up then and held out his hand once more. This time Dean took it, placing his backpack on his back and then joining hands with Castiel once more. "Good." Castiel smiled and brushed his lips against Dean's. "Very good."

Dean let out a shaky laugh. "What's next?"

"We're going to walk to the gate's door and hand the flight attendant our tickets." Fear flashed through Dean's eyes but Castiel continued talking. "Remember what I said i would do after I put the blanket over us?"

Dean nodded. "Y-you said you'd put your hand on me."

"Thats right. I'm going to unzip you and take your cock into my hand. But not before I have you lick it wet for me." Castiel whispered and Dean let out a quiet groan. "Will you do that for me?"

Dean nodded again.

"Good." Castiel pulled on Dean's hand to move them forward. "When i stroke my thumb across the back of your hand, I want you to imagine its your dick I'm stroking. Can you do that?"

Dean whimpered slightly but said that he could.

"Good." Castiel led them towards the door, stroking Dean's hand slowly. As they moved forward and he could feel Dean's hand growing tighter, Castiel sped his ministrations, releasing a quiet moan he knew only Dean would be able to hear. The tactic had the desired effect, and Dean was relaxing again as they approached the man taking tickets. Castiel leaned over and whispered, "Don't look at him, just look at me, just feel me."

Castiel held out both of their tickets and Dean didn't know what the flight attendant was doing because he was just looking into crystal blue eyes and letting himself get lost in the feeling of Cas' hand on him.

"Great, thank you!" The flight attendant said, already moving on to the person behind them as Castiel pulled Dean forward and into the narrow hallway that led to the plane's door.

Dean felt his heart begin to pound faster then, the walls of the hallway closing in and he pulled on his hand slightly, ready to turn around.

Castiel kept moving them forward though, his voice a delicate rasp of chords. "After I take you into my slick hand, I'm going to stroke you." Cas whispered, leaning close. "I'll stroke you until you're painfully hard and begging me for release Dean."

Cas' voice cut through his half-formed escape plan and Dean swallowed back another groan. "Thats- uh, gonna be difficult on an airplane Cas."

Castiel gave him a pointed look and Dean clamped his mouth shut. Who was he to refuse airplane sex?

Cas' plan to distract him was working though, his thoughts jumping to all the different ways they could have sex on the flight for a few moments before being pulled back to the very real moment of having to step onto the plane. He stood there, Cas already having stepped inside and holding his hand over the threshold, and silently begged the world not to make him do this.

He definitely wanted to join the mile high club if he was going to have to be up there, but if there was any chance he could get out of this all together he would give it up. Castiel looked at him expectantly though, and Dean knew he really had no choice.

He was Charlie's best man, and Cas was standing up for her as well. They had to be there, and Dean was definitely going to have to take this last fucking step onto the plane.

"Mame?" Castiel's voice sliced through his internal anguish and Dean looked up to see him speaking to an older woman wearing a flight attendant uniform. "Would you mind bringing us a blanket? Row 4, Seats A and B."

Well that did it.

His dick twitched in definite interest and then Dean was on the plane.

"Certainly sir." The woman said as Dean came closer. "I'll get that to you as soon as you are settled."

"Thank you." Castiel said kindly, throwing a suggestive glance to Dean before turning towards the aisle to walk to their seats in first class. He stopped in front of the fourth row and turned back to face Dean.

Dean's eyes were wide again, his terror of their surroundings and the loud sound of the airplane's engine, warring with his libido for dominance. Castiel didn't say anything, just pushed Dean's backpack off of his shoulders and placed it in the overhead compartment before doing the same to his own. "Sit down Dean." Castiel said smoothly.

Dean did as he was told, grateful that Cas had gotten them first class seats and had more room to spread out. Castiel sat down next to him then, immediately placing his hand on Dean's thigh. Dean's eyebrow's raised as Cas' pointer finger grazed along the inseam of Dean's jeans. He knew he was definitely half-hard at this point and if Castiel continued to talk dirty to him it was possible Dean would come untouched.

He wondered if that was Cas' plan all along for a moment before the flight attendant was coming towards them with the blanket in her hands. Castiel removed his hand from Dean's thigh and he felt its absence far more harshly than he wanted to admit.

"Here you are." The woman said with a wide smile. "Is there anything else I can bring you? A pillow?"

"Perhaps later," Castiel said easily. "This will be fine for now. Thank you."

Dean was licking his lips then, the roar of the engine only a steady hum as Castiel did as he promised and placed the blanket over their bodies after fastening their seatbelts.

The flight wasn't full, the first class seats being only a third filled and no one sitting behind them yet. The coach passengers would be entering from a separate entrance, so they didn't have to worry about prying eyes.

"Do you remember what I wanted you to do next Dean?"

Dean smirked and nodded. He took Castiel's hand into his and brought it up to his face. He made a quick glance around before bringing Cas' fingers into his mouth and sucking on them one by one. Castiel's eyes darkened, his pupils blacking out his blue irises quickly. With the next flick of his tongue, Dean flattened it out and brought it to Castiel's palm, moistening his soft skin.

With his other hand, Castiel reached under the blanket and placed his hand on top of Dean's growing erection. "Very good Dean."

Dean wanted to roll his eyes at the compliment of getting hard, but it actually made him feel even more turned on. In a way, it actually was impressive he was able to focus on Cas, and what his plans were enough to push his fear of flying away.

Soon, Castiel was pulling Dean out of his jeans, replacing his hand under the blanket with the one Dean had made slick with saliva.

A man's voice came through the speaker system then. "Attention passengers. We will be taxing to the runway now, please stay seated and I'll have you on your way to Montana in no time."

Dean stiffened in his seat, his stomach jumping to his throat.

"Dean, look at me." Castiel said, taking Dean's hardness and wrapping his hand around it. "Remember what I said i was going to do? Tell me."

Dean swallowed back bile that threatened to escape and nodded. He allowed himself to think only of what Castiel was doing, slowly rubbing his thumb over the head of his dick, stroking softly to bring him back to full hardness. "You're going to wrap your lips around me."

"Yes. I am." Castiel said soothingly. He knew that once the plane was racing down the runway towards takeoff, no one would be in the aisles. It was amazing luck that no one was seated behind or next to them, and Castiel was fairly positive he could pull this off without anyone noticing. "The plane is going to stop soon before taking off. When it does, i am going to continue to stroke you, I am going to make you forget." He leaned forward and placed a wet kiss at the bolt of Dean's jaw. When he whispered in Dean's ear, the heat sent shivers through Dean's body. "Then when the plane starts to move, I want you to close your eyes." Castiel continued to move his hand under the blanket, moving it up and down Dean's shaft, slowly at first and then quickening his pace. "Once your eyes are closed, I'm going to suck you down. You're going to feel my tongue in your slit and then the back of my throat swallowing you whole."

Dean whimpered, his breath going ragged at Castiel's words. His dick was throbbing now, the promise of more than Cas' hand turning his thoughts away from anything but getting that perfect mouth on him.

Dean vaguely felt the plane come to a stop. His eyes searched the cabin quickly, but closed instinctively as Cas gripped him more firmly and upped his pace. "What's going to happen Dean?" Cas whispered.

"The plane is going to go." Dean said between pants. "I am going to close my eyes."

"Good." Castiel praised, licking up Dean's neck and placing a kiss to his jaw again.

"Then you are going to suck me." Dean managed to get off, a combination of fear and arousal making it difficult to get out the words.

"That's right."

The plane's engine turned over then and Dean had a momentary flash of the plane blowing up around him, but Castiel's hand movements pulled him back to what has happening to his body. He could already feel the familiar deep heat of his release in his abdomen, spreading calm through him.

When the plane began to move, Dean resisted the urge to panic and instead focused all his attention on what Castiel had instructed him to do. Dean caught Cas' gaze for a moment, soaking in the affection and lust staring back at him before closing his eyes like he was told to do. He felt Castiel shift in his seat and Dean was eager to feel himself getting lost in the wet heat of his boyfriend's mouth.

The plane was moving faster now, and Dean began to wonder if it was really supposed to move that fast and if maybe something might be wrong, but then Cas was ducking under the blanket and there was a tongue on his cock and all thoughts of the plane and how fast it was going was lost. Castiel hummed around his shaft as he sucked Dean down, using his tongue to massage the throbbing vein running up the middle.

Dean threw his fist into his mouth, biting down to contain the groan of pleasure that threatened to be released. He had the vague idea that the plane was shaking slightly around him but all he could really process was Cas' mouth around him, taking him to the back of his throat and swallowing him down. Dean threw his head back, the new angle of his body as the plane lurched back and up not registering, and clenched his jaw. He was already tingling with the beginings of his orgasm, Cas' technique was flawless, bringing him closer and closer to the edge as the plane began to climb in altitude.

Dean barely noticed they were off the ground as the plane lifted. Cas was swallowing him down again and it was so fucking good he couldnt help but to buck his hips up into Cas' mouth as he came. He stifled his moans just barely, shooting everything he had down the back of Castiel's throat. Cas took everything he had and popped off after a moment, licking Dean clean carefully.

Dean still had his eyes closed, his entire body still swimming in his orgasm as Cas came out from under the blanket. There were lips on his then and the faint taste of himself. He kissed back just enough to not be mistaken for unconscious, and he felt Cas grinning against his lips.

"You did so well Dean." Castiel's gravely voice held him close.

Dean chuckled. "Yeah, you too Cas."

Castiel leaned back into his own seat then, reaching under the blanket to put Dean back in place and zip him up. He removed the blanket from their laps just as the fasten seat belt signs were turned off and they were informed they had reached a safe altitude to move about the cabin. Dean knew he would normally start freaking out about that, but he couldn't manage much more than a light groan, his mind still totally fucked out.

"You got plans for when we land Cas?" Dean said breathlessly, taking Castiel's hand. "Or what about turbulence? I may need another distraction." He winked across at the younger man.

"I have been thinking about how we could fit two grown men in one of those bathrooms." Castiel said matter of factly. "I believe it possible if you do exactly as I say."

"We cant be in the bathroom when we land though."

"True, that would only be during the flight when you needed _reassurance_." Castiel said with a smirk. "For landing, I expect you to occupy your mind by reciprocating."

"You want me to blow you while we land?" Dean asked with a raise of his brows. "What if i freak out and bite down or something?"

Castiel laughed. "Then I hope you clear your mind and concentrate only on getting me off."

"You're a dirty bastard." Dean chastised, a laugh in his voice.

"When the situation calls for it." Castiel said wickedly. "Are you opposed to the plan?"

Dean thought about that for a moment. He was terrified of the plane landing, but he also knew how much he loved sucking Cas and making him come. It definitely could be a good enough distraction if Cas was running his hand through his hair, tugging and pulling while Dean's tongue lapped up-

"Yeah- I mean no. Love the plan." Dean said quickly. "Although I may not be able to wait until we land."

/

"You know, when Charlie asked me to do this, I straight up told her no at first." Dean smiled widely and surveyed the small group of people seated at the dozen tables in front of him. A few laughed, most just smiled and nodded and Dean searched out Cas' eyes to settle his nerves before he continued. "I've never been good with this stuff, you know, love and feelings and all that..." He shifted uncomfortably as a pair of elderly woman pursed their lips at him, but a quick glance at Charlie's bright eyes and kind smile told him he was on the right track. "...but Charlie insisted so here I am."

"Hell yeah!" Charlie yelled out from the table closest to the dance floor where he stood.

Dean blushed slightly, but his smile grew wider. "See? The woman is crazy. You've got your work cut out for you Gilda." He raised his glass at Charlie's bride who chuckled and nodded her head like she knew exactly what she was in for and couldn't be happier about it. Dean moved his gaze back to Cas, who was sitting at the table next to Charlie's and looking up at him with an encouraging smile.

"So, I decided if I was going to do this, I wanted to do it right. I know I'm supposed to give some sort of advice about marriage, but seeing as how I'm not married, I think I'll stick to what I know...which is not a whole lot so bare with me." More laughter from the crowd and Dean was beginning to feel lighter. "First thing-" Dean raised his hand, his pointer finger extended to the top of the tent they sat under. "Fight naked." There was a pause and then a burst of laughter and Dean held his hands up in defense. "Hey, hey! There isn't a person here who could look their spouse in the eye and fight with them if they are buck-ass naked. Its a fact. So you just go ahead and start taking off your clothes whenever one of you looks ready to rumble." He threw a hand over to Cas, who began to blush instantly. "He knows what I'm talking about."

Dean allowed the laughs to die down before continuing. "Two!" He let his middle finger join the pointer. "Kiss first thing in the morning, halitosis be damned." There was a collective's of 'Awws' and then people were clinking their silverware on their glasses to have Charlie and Gilda kiss. When they obliged there was a combination of cat-calls and sweet encouragements.

Dean threw them a smile and continued. "Three. don't get wasted on the same night. One of you needs to make sure no one gets killed, and hangover breakfasts are always better when made by someone who hasnt spent the night over a toilet."

There was laughter, but Dean threw Castiel a wink after that one, that being a rule they had instituted after a very stupid night involving a pac-man machine and three overly juicy watermelons.

"Four. When getting naked doesn't work, keep the fight on topic and fair. Its incredibly easy to go from who takes out the trash more to debating the reason for rising gas prices." The guests burst into laughter and Dean nodded and pointed to Cas. "I know, I know, true story though guys."

Castiel rolled his eyes and shouted through cupped hands, "If you werent so damn stubborn we would have been in bed before three am that night!"

Dean waved his hands, shaking his head. "Don't listen to him folks, the guy is a master manipulator." Dean shrugged. "But he brings up a good point, if you cant solve it by midnight- go to sleep and see if it still matters in the morning. I know people say never go to bed angry, but trust me, nothing good happens in a fight after midnight."

There was applause there and lots of nodding heads and Dean was feeling incredibly confident as he winded down his toast. "So there's some my words of wisdom, but a wedding toast wouldn't be complete without some words about the woman who named me her best man." Dean walked a little closer to the edge of the dance floor and caught Charlie's eye.

"You, Charlie Bradbury, are an extraordinary creature, and I don't know what i would have done with out you in my life. You pushed me when I needed it, coddled me when i wouldn't admit i needed it, and were just an all around awesome human being for the entirety of our friendship. You deserve absolutely every moment of the happiness your life with Gilda bring you, and I cant thank you enough for helping me find my own happiness." Dean felt himself tearing up, but pushed it back with a half-smile and glance outside of the tent and into the mountains. "Without you, Charlie- I would have been lost along time ago." With that, Dean looked back to Charlie and saw tears running down her face.

That was enough to let his own tears spill over the edge and Dean shook them away with a laugh. "You see? You get me crying in public! You must be something special." He looked over to Gilda then and smiled softly. "You've landed yourself one hell-of- a woman, Gilda. Take care of each other."

Gilda blew him a kiss and Dean's smile grew wider. "To the happy couple! May they love each other through their last breath, and into the next life. Cheers!"

There was a roaring applause then and Dean was walking over to hug Gilda and Charlie, kissing them both and accepting their thanks.

Charlie was nearly squeezing the life out of him, but Dean didn't care. He was deliriously happy for her, and hugged her tightly in return.

"I love you." She said over the cheers and clicks of cameras.

Dean kissed her forehead and pulled away, a playful smirk on his face. "I know."

/

Castiel watched as the sun's rays grew dimmer behind the mountain range in Hamilton, Montana. He could hear drunk wedding guests partaking in a group dance he had never heard of and had no interest in joining in on. Instead, he sat back in an Adirondack chair a few hundred yards away from the wedding tent, a glass of red wine in his hand, and a lazy grin on his face.

The scenery was beautiful, something Castiel had pictured in his mind thousands of times before but never witnessed himself. The wedding was held at a vineyard surrounded by mountain range. Autumn was quickly dissolving into winter, but the foliage decorating the area was vibrant in reds and yellows, especially with the sun casting beautiful bursts of light under the leaves. It was a sight Castiel felt himself melting into, the expansive beauty, the infinite power of these pieces of nature living through life times, it was breathtaking. The things those mountains had seen, the countless amount of people who had laid eyes on the branches of the tallest trees, it was a mind-numbing, yet pleasant stream of consciousness for Castiel.

He didn't hear the footsteps approaching, but could still feel the air shift around him, and Castiel knew he was no longer alone.

"Liked your speech." He said quietly, eyes still transfixed on the gorgeous scene nature had gifted him.

"What'd you expect?" Dean said with only a note of anxiety, something no one else would have picked up on.

Castiel smirked, but still didn't tear his eyes away. "I wasn't sure to be honest. The last line was particularly well formed."

"Oh shush." Dean said, slipping down to the chair next to Cas' and taking Castiel's hand. "So what if i stole that part from your book, it's kind of like you gave them a speech too then. You know?"

"I don't think Charlie would mind my words being included." Castiel said with a smile, finally pulling his gaze over to Dean for a moment. "As many times as she has claimed to read it, she probably recognized the quote anyway." The sunset was making Dean skin dance beautifully and Castiel sighed as he basked in his boyfriend's physical perfection.

"What?" Dean said with a raise of his brow.

"Oh, nothing." Castiel answered teasingly. "I don't want your head getting so big it cant fit back on the plane."

Dean snickered and gave Cas a toothy grin. "You think I'm gorgeous."

"Certainly not." Cas said casually, looking back to the mountains. "Didn't even cross my mind."

Dean squeezed his hand and leaned over the chairs to place a kiss on Cas' temple. "Liar."

They sat in silence for a few moments, Castiel passing his wine to Dean to share, and listening to the wedding party get louder and drunker. It wasn't as if they didn't want to enjoy the party, because they both had every intention of dancing their asses off that night, but it was a shame to throw away a perfectly good sunset.

Being out there, the open air crisp and clean, full of nothing but oxygen and possibility, Dean and Castiel felt closer to something they both had been dreaming of. Dean's painting was placed above their bed in their apartment in New York now, and there had been conversations about dropping everything and moving to the mountains, but nothing had come of it yet.

Dean had found a decent job at a bar near their apartment with Gabriel's help, and his business giving kids guitar lessons had been going extremely well. Castiel didn't need to live in New York to write, but it did make meeting his many contacts easier.

They had made life work in New York, but sitting in those chairs, surrounded by everything and nothing, it was like the final piece of their puzzle.

"We could do it." Dean finally said, passing back the glass of wine and pointing out to the mountains. "There is no reason we cant."

Castiel sighed wistfully. "No, there really isn't."

"You know, Gilda's family is from here." Dean said slowly. "She and Charlie were talking about moving back."

Castiel's eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Yep. Charlie told me this morning."

"Huh." Castiel said casually, as if a life altering conversation wasn't taking place between them.

"Yeah." Dean said just as simply.

They didn't say anything more, just listened to the music behind them as they watched the sun's rays finally disappear behind the mountains.

/

"Are you sure?"

Dean turned around to face his boyfriend, biting back the irritated remark he was about to snap back when he saw the worry in Cas' face. He placed the silver urn back on the coffee table, and put both of his hands on Castiel's shoulders.

"Yes." Dean said softly. "This is our home now, right?" He searched Castiel's eyes as the younger man nodded easily. "Forever?"

"Of course." Castiel confirmed. He looked away from Dean then, regarding the boxes pushed against the wooden frames of their new living room. They hadn't even come close to unpacking yet, despite having moved in over a month ago.

The night of the wedding they made a drunken decision to move to Hamilton, Montana, something they immediately shared with Charlie and Gilda. They proceeded to begin jumping up and down repeatedly, which caused Gilda to break a heel and Charlie to spill beer on her pants.

Once sober the next morning, they all joked about how ridiculous that would be, moving across country for no reason other than just to do it. But then Charlie gave Gilda a pointed look, which made Dean look to Cas similarly, and then they were all silent for a full minute. Thirty seconds later they all began jumping up and down again.

Six months later, Dean and Castiel were moving into their three bedroom log cabin with a dock leading right out to Flathead Lake. It was close to Hamilton where Charlie and Gilda had bought a townhome, but far enough away for them to escape to their own piece of paradise everyday.

Dean had plans to offer his services to teach guitar to the local kids, but he and Charlie had also began brainstorming again about opening their own bar again. There were loud discussions over the family style dinners Castiel and Dean had begun to host every thursday night with Charlie and Gilda. Cas had found he had a lot in common with Charlie's better half after they began to leave Dean and Charlie to battle out beer coaster shapes, or the merits of frozen drinks, alone. He was pleased to learn what a talented artist Gilda was, and they began working together on an illustrated book of poetry.

Castiel had found it easy enough to transition from writing in his apartment or coffee shops in New York, to writing in the large office their new home boasted. The room had a window that expanded across the entire back wall, looking out over the water with the mountains perched beautifully around it. Sometimes when he found himself unable to break through something, he would bring his laptop outside and sit on the dock, letting his surroundings inspire him the way he had always envisioned they would.

It was the beginning of a lifetime, and neither man had ever known true peace until they were able to call that cabin home. It was their dream, their anchor to the life they planned to live together.

"It's just." Castiel continued, bringing his focus back to Dean. "Are you sure its the right time?" His hands were fidgeting by his side.

"Yes." Dean said patiently, sliding his hands down Castiel's arms to his restless fingers, squeezing them softly. "This is where I want to spend my life, this is where I want us to live out the rest of our days... and I think this is where he would want to be too."

Dean looked over to the urn that held his little brother's ashes and smiled sadly. "He always said somewhere beautiful, and I honestly don't see how there is anywhere more beautiful than this place. The scenery alone would justify it, but its also where we are going to call home. I cant think of a better place to finally lay Sam to rest."

Castiel stared at him a long moment, letting his impossibly blue eyes fix on Dean's determined green ones. It was a home in and of itself, Dean's eyes. The way they welcomed him from the very first time they met, Dean had made room for Cas in the deep forrests of his irises.

There was nothing more familiar to him now, the flecks of gold that shimmered around emerald green, those were the colors Castiel saw when he closed his eyes. Those were the colors he was sure made up his very own soul.

Finally, he let out a long breath and nodded. "Alright, lets do it."

Dean smiled and leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on Castiel's lips. When he pulled back, Dean squeezed his partner's hands again before letting go.

He led them out to the dock, Sam's urn in his hands, Castiel's footsteps in step with his own beside him.

"Alright Sammy, final stop." Dean said quietly, a teasing smile on his lips but a tremor in his voice. Castiel placed his hand between Dean's shoulder blades and rubbed softly. There was that sense of being uncomfortable for a moment, the three of them on the dock and their history suddenly flashing bright before them.

Dean sighed and opened the urn. Sam's ashes were inside of a plastic bag inside, and Dean unzipped it. "I hope you like this place as much as we do buddy."

Castiel looked out over the water as Dean began to pour Sam's ashes over the lake. Part of him felt like he was intruding on a special moment between brothers, as if he was still the man who came between them. He tried to shake those thoughts away though, as he willed himself to watch Dean release his little brother back to nature. He felt tears dampening his cheeks, and let them be, wanting to feel the additional chill the wind brought.

There was so much he had never gotten a chance to say to Sam, and so much he was grateful he never had to. The last part was a selfish thought that made him close his eyes and wish he could take back immediately. The truth was, Castiel would give up anything to have Sam be standing on this dock instead of floating beneath it, including his relationship with Dean.

His love for Sam, while not the same as his love for Dean, was still special. Sam would always be the man who showed Castiel a life worth living. He was the first person Cas let himself love, the first person he trusted to love him. in return. Sam was exactly who Castiel needed when he came into his life, and Castiel would be forever grateful to him for that.

As Dean poured the last remnants of ash into the calm ripples of Flathead lake, Castiel felt a piece of himself detach and slip into the water as well, sailing away by Sam Winchester's side.


	36. Epilogue: Heal

_October 15, 2070_

 _The story of our life together is like the well worn material of a beloved article of clothing._

 _Rippling out like waves,_

 _Threaded lifelines of fabric._

 _They weave together and fray apart,_

 _Different pieces of a whole._

 _There is beauty in its simplicity,_

 _An exceptional love affair in rags._

 _Full of stitches and seams,_

 _Fragile but difficult to shred._

 _A weathered piece of cloth,_

 _An immeasurable amount of joy._

 _/_

 _January 25, 2071_

 _I took my coffee next to Dean this morning. It was very cold, and i swear i could hear him laughing at me as I shivered. Claire made omelettes, despite her youngest child throwing a fit about her choices._

 _Despite how loudly i protested, I am very grateful Claire and her husband have moved in with me. Their presence has eased my loneliness, and their children remind me so much of our Henry._

 _He says he is bringing a girl home to visit this summer, someone he met on a dig. I am happy he has found something he his so passionate about, but i do wish there were more archeological dig sites in Montana._

 _He called yesterday, like always. I don't know if he even meant to, or if it was just by habit that he called on Dean's birthday. I spent the day in bed, and Claire let me. I read over some of my old journals. I started with when i met Dean and got all the way through when we adopted Henry, before falling asleep._

 _It amazes me, how intensely i felt for Dean and how quickly i felt it. My love for him was incredibly powerful, and at times so gut-wrenchingly painful, it is a wonder we were able to grow old together._

 _Stories like ours rarely have happy endings, and we got one._

 _We spent over fifty years together. We had a child, a boy we name Henry who lit up a world we were convinced couldn't get any brighter. Our home was filled with the clack of my keyboard, the strumming of Dean's guitar, the laughter of our friends and family, the soft rap of our son's first steps._

 _Our home surrounded us in love and comfort when we needed it._

 _It provided a final resting place for Sam, and just last August it did the same for Dean._

 _I hear him in every creak of this house._

 _I see him in every shadow the clouds cast across our bedroom._

 _I feel him in the breeze, i feel him in the sun's warmth._

 _Dean is everywhere, he is all around me._

 _He still sets the rhythm of my heart._

 _When it finally decides to stop, I will join Sam and Dean in the water._

 _It hurts, everyday it hurts to not wake up with him by my side. Kissing me good morning and raking my hair across my forehead. Its so painful, sometimes i fear i may not survive it._

 _But then I am reminded of everything else my life has given me, that my most precious gift was not my only. Dean is gone, but i am still surrounded by life._

 _As I sit here, remembering all of the heartache i went through years ago, and the tremendous sorrow i experience now, I am reminded of a quote from Leaves of Grass, the Whitman book Dean and I read together. It's something that has occurred to me, over and over through the years and I find it befits this journal entry more than any other._

 ** _"It is a painful thing to love a man or woman to excess,"_**

 ** _"But yet,"_**

 ** _"It satisfies, it is great."_**


End file.
